How young is to young?

[NYCsparkle]

Date: 7/2/2007 5:12:16 PM
Author: Pandora II
Hmmm, I will probably get seriously flamed for this but here goes.

If I have children I would be worried if any of them got married before they were 30. I will be getting married at 36 and I only now feel totally happy and comfortable with my life, my FI and above all myself.

I am such a different person from who I was ten years ago and have lived my whole life over again since I left school. I have dated a variety of different men and know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy. I have had boyfiends who lasted longer than some of my friend''s marriages.

My sister married at 26, before she had had time to grow as her own person and given the chance again she would have waited.

If you consider that many of us will live to 80+, it seems odd to rush into picking one''s life partner so young.

I will add here that I live in a very cosmopolitan city where people come from many different walks of life, countries, religions and everyone I know has at least one degree and a pretty serious career. Also every single one, without exception, of my school/university contemporaries who married before the age of 26 are now divorced, single parents or getting married for the second time. This probably does colour my view considerably.

My mother married at 21 (my father was 32) and I was born within a year. She always urged all of us to live a lot before we settled down. She and my father also have a ''perfect marriage'' and I was only prepared to marry if I could find the same thing as them.

I''m not saying it can''t work - but it worries me that your gf is worried what people will think.

i agree with much of what you have said. the best advice my mom gave me was--don''t get married young, travel, establish your career, and figure out who you are alone before settling down with someone. at 21 yoiu don''t know much about life...you live and learn. 21 is when your life begins and new opportunities are everywhere--thats how you grow. theres a book called starter marriages that my friend has...its about marrying young, divorcing, and going on with your life. actually all of my friends who married by 25 are now divorced--we are now 31-34. marriage does not = a grown up responsible adult life.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/2/2007 5:24:21 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 7/2/2007 5:16:55 PM
Author: princesss
Pandora, how wonderful that you can look at your parents'' marriage like that. I feel the same way about my parents, and decided a while ago that I''d only say ''Yes'' if I knew I could have what they have - after 24 years my parents still seem ridiculously in love with each other, no matter how stressful life can be.

I feel very fortunate to have such wonderful role-models. It did make me sad for a long-time though. I dated so many dreadful men I began to wonder if my father was the only decent man out there!

Everywhere I looked marriages were falling apart: filmstars, celebrities, my friends. I am a terrible romantic and believe it''s possible to love one person completely forever. I thought I''d be a mad old spinster with 17 cats... and then I met FI and we are so terribly like my parents are together it''s almost scary!

 

[anchor31]

The age subject has come up over and over... just do a search for "age" and "engagement" and you''ll find a few threads.

I got engaged at 21. I''m 22 now, getting married not quite three months after my 23rd birthday. I''ve had comments from people, especially those my age. Don''t I want to do other things first? Travel, etc.? The way I see it, whether J is my boyfriend, my fiancé or my husband won''t change my traveling abilities, or my abilities to study if I decide to go to grad school, or whatever. Long distance, business trips, student exchanges, we''ve done it before, and if we have to do it again once we''re married we will. We just moved in together (2 months ago too), and we''re basically living like a married couple... Would waiting 5 more years change our relationship, make our future marriage better? We can''t know for sure, but it seems unlikely. We''ve been together for 4 years now, and getting married is the next step we''re ready to take together.

As I said, it''s been discussed before, and I think the best thing that has been said is that it varies from person to person, from couple to couple. Some people are ready to get engaged and married in their early 20s and some people are not. Everyone has different personalities, goals, perceptions and needs... People who are more family-oriented (like me and my fiancé) may feel ready to marry younger than people who are more career-oriented. Nobody but you can judge if you are ready.

Have a talk with your GF and explain your intentions clearly (you don''t have to give her a date, "within the next year" would work). Ask her point blank if it''s what she wants and if she feels she is ready. Remember that everyone has an opinion, and ultimately everyone else''s opinion is not what really matters.

Good luck!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/2/2007 5:12:16 PM
Author: Pandora II


I will be getting married at 36 and I only now feel totally happy and comfortable with my life, my FI and above all myself.

To me this is the key.

I think that you can be too young at ANY age unless you are totally comfortable with your life (your realistic plans for the future).

 

[In the rough]

If you love her today, you will love her tomorrow and if you are meant to marry her, the same will be true years from now. I feel you should take time and enjoy eachother...you are already living together, so what is the rush to marry...especially if it may cause tension with her family. I would wait...but at the end of the day, you have to do what''s right for you...Good luck...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I was 22 (2weeks shy of my 23rd b-day) and my husband was 27 when we got married. We had been dating nearly three years by then and were completely ready to be married. We had the important talks and went through our church''s pre-marital counseling. We knew where the other stood on issues like money, sex, kids, religion, politics and careers. We know how to fight fair and how to communicate. Most of all, we love each other and realize that marriage is about compromise, communication, trust and sacrifice.

I think you need to sit down with your gf and start really talking about your future and about the issues I posted above. It concerns me that she''s worried about what other people will think. If she''s not 100% sure that she wants to get engaged/married then she shouldn''t do it. People do change a lot in their 20''s and that''s a fact of life. Are you willing to grow and change with her? Are you willing to accept that some changes may be tough on your relationship? It''s not just on her though - you''ll grow and change as well. Is she ready to accept that?

Marriage is hard work and you have a lot of work to do before you get there. Good luck!

Jess