Cold feet? Or something else?

[sumbride]

Hmmm... well, see, my FI and I both believe in "alone time". He has his basement den that I sometimes call his "cave" because that''s where he crawls off to. He goes down there toward the end of the evening to spread out and watch tv and many nights he falls asleep on the futon and doesn''t come to bed until 2 am. It used to really bother me because I felt like we weren''t being close but then I realized it wasn''t personal and he just wanted to stretch out by himself before getting in the crowded queen sized bed. Of course, by the time he shows up, 2 or 3 of the cats have claimed his spot. He doesn''t do it every night because I did say "hey, can we ''go to bed together'' occasionally?" and he got what I meant, but then sometimes he comes to bed and I''m reading and not ready to turn off the light.

I really think a good chat will clear this all up.

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/21/2006 3:13:49 PM
Author: sumbride

I really think a good chat will clear this all up.

I agree. Most guys don''t like to talk, but guys and gals are so different, it often saves a ton of headaches and misunderstandings.

 

[nytemist]

We''ll talk over the weekend and see what''s up. He was really distracted earlier when he called me, so I think it''s got to be something work-related.

Even though it''s not a big place, we do have our alone time. Example- I watch Bridezillas, he plays guitar- things like that. But it seems that there has been a sizable shift in moods the past 2 weeks. Maybe it is realization that he is getting married and I will be there ALL THE TIME.

Deco- that is one one thing we certainly agreed on. With his dramatic sleeping and two cats that like to walk on your head or curl up and sleep so you can''t move your legs, we are using my bed. He has a full, I have a wrought iron frame queen with memory foam mattress.

 

[AmberGretchen]

nytempist - I hope that your discussion goes well.

I also wanted to throw out there that my DH and I had a rough period before the wedding. I think it can just be such an overwhelming stressful situation, both emotionally and in terms of dealing with people, families, logistics, money, etc... that its pretty natural to not feel like this is your "closest" time. Definitely there are some issues here you two should talk about, but I think its OK for everything to not be perfect or even peaceful right now. DH and I were both SO HAPPY on our wedding day and things have been fine since, so I really think it can sometimes just be the stress of the wedding and everything it means and everything you both have to deal with surrounding it.

Good luck, and I hope that experience helps a bit to read about.

 

[firebirdgold]

I must admit, as the extremely messy moved-in-on I''ve been dragging my feet a tad. My fi is the one teasing me saying that I must not really love him or I would be farther along getting stuff ready.

That was until he came over last night to measure closet space in the new bedroom and discovered the closet in my current bedroom that I had a while ago cleaned out for him.
The problem was that I had since used it to shove things into so my place would look cleaner and then had failed to deal with it. (a common theme with me)

He found digging through the four feet of stuff to be highly amusing and called it archaeology.

I found it to be horribly embarrassing for the first half hour, but his unremitting good humor about it eventually helped me to relax. Since he didn''t run away screaming even after he found the mummified orange (or was it a tangerine originally?) I''m feeling a bit more reassured. (No idea how that got there, really!)

Now he believes me when I say that I''ve been overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task. I''ve also been worried that when he moves in he''ll discover the extent of my flaws and not want to spend the rest of his life with me. I''m not as worried about that any more.

Anyway, I hope your talk this weekend goes well. I just wanted to give you a little more insight into why someone would be reluctant when faced with the imminent prospect of someone moving in with them. Hopefully that or work stress is all that''s bugging him. Good Luck!

 

[nytemist]

I talked to him late Friday evening and I asked him him what was bothering him so badly. He says nothing. I didn''t push the issue. I told him that I was a annoyed at his recent behavior and wanted to know what was causing it, could I help or was it something I did. He said no, there was no problem with me. It''s a work thing and if he doesn''t want to tell me, fine. Just no more reflecting it on me.

I didn''t stay at his place this weekend. I stayed home to continue cleaning and getting things organized to pack. I put some stuff in the car and made the hike up to his place. I open the door and come in with bags. He was sitting there watching tv and he looks up at me and says "what''s all this?" I said in a joking voice I''m moving here remember? You''re marrying me?

He then gets this look on his face like ''what do I do?'' Then he says I didn''t know you were bringing things with you this early. I said I told that I would start moving the beginning of Oct. That is next week. Are you not ready to share your space? He said no, but his face was screaming yes. I put my things in the bedroom and said sort yourself out the next couple of days. This isn''t going away. Then I left. He called yesterday to apologize for being weird. I said whatever it is, you have to figure it out before I''m there full time.

Despite the many times he''s said ''I can''t wait to be married''; ''I''m so happy with you'' and all that, he''s developed some bigtime marriage panic.

 

[codex57]

oooh, not good. How long have you been engaged and how long til the wedding? I hope this isn''t one of those incidents where he waits until the day of the wedding to finally accept everything. That''s a movie script and real life usually doesn''t follow the movie script. It can, but I wouldn''t hold your breath.

Hopefully more time will be what it takes for him to get used to the idea.

 

[nytemist]

We have been together since Feb 2, 2001, got engaged Feb 8 of this year and the wedding is 5 weeks from tomorrow, on Halloween.

I''m just going to go about my way, bring things over, arranging, do some decorating and just let him get used to seeing all my things showing up. If he doesn''t like how something is arranged, he will tell me. Although, he balks at the the idea of me putting up my swords and daggers due to worry about the catsgetting hurt by them.

 

[codex57]

yeah, just keep moving in slowly. Eventually, he''ll get used to your stuff in "his" place soon enough. Just keep plowing through.

I''m pretty sure it''s not cold feet now. Just the shock of realization that the "change" is here. Well, I guess you can call that cold feet, but it''s the normal kind and nothing too serious. I''m sure you guys will be fine.

 

[firebirdgold]

Sorry to keep bouncing from optimist to pessimist, but...

This is your quote from the ''what kind of groom is he'' thread:

"I constantly ask "How about this? What do you think of that?" His answers are usually, "yeah, sure", I don''t care", "whatever". I told him that this is OUR wedding, there should be input from you. I asked him directly "what do you want to do/have for the wedding?" He wants good music (I''m picking it for the iPod) and good slice of the wedding cake."

Um, sweetie? Kinda not so good sign here when you combine it with the blank look he gives you when you show up with a bag of your things even after your talk. And wanting good music yet not bothering to pick it out does not qualify as wedding planning involvement. "I don''t care" and "whatever" are not the same thing as "whatever you want honey, I just want you to be happy and have the wedding of your dreams" response most show-up grooms give.
I don''t really know you or him but from a totally outside non-observer''s perspective this is starting to go beyond warning bells and into the realm of an iceberg-ahead horn.

 

[nytemist]

Indie- I do understand what you are telling me. That is why last night I kind of snapped and told him if this means so much to him some more passion and interest has to happen. If not, let''s not do this. That definately got his attention. I said I shouldn''t have to say anything to wake you up like that. He said that he does worry about how different it''s going to be with me around all the time because I don''t have the best relationship with his cats. He thinks I''m going to hate living with them to the point it affects our relationship. I was kind of suprised at that. I asked, you have been flipping out about that???!?!?!!?!?! It''s a non-issue to me. That seemed to be a weight off him. I just couldn''t believe it... that what he was getting upset about. I''m fine as long as they don''t start leaving my presents in my shoe or something.

Yes, he needs to get out more.

 

[firebirdgold]

ROFLMAO Oh god, I laughed so much it hurts!
When men go for cats they sure don''t do it half-assed.

My fi and I''s worst issues tend to pet related too! Before a single one of his books came over to my house he had to carefully inspect the entire place to make sure it was safe for his cats. Funny, my cat hasn''t managed to killed itself off in the three years I''ve lived here!

 

[nytemist]

It''s not too, too weird, but he''s a little out there! He and his sister treated these cats like their children. I know anyone who truly loves their pet does this. I did it when I had a dog years ago. This was the trigger for my stuff coming in. I own stuff that is glass that the boys can destroy- shot glasses, vases, candle holders, figurines. Also, things that could hurt them, pewter figurines, wrought iron wall peices, and medieval weaponry. He is so afraid of something falling off the wall and coming down on a cat that he doesn''t even want me to put them up! This will be a sticking point in the next few weeks- the tug of war that we will need shelves and that he doens''t want a ton of holes in the walls. I said we have a few weeks to figure out a middle ground.

He also worried because his boys are chewers. Especially plastic. CD cases, bags, tape. He always has to stop them from trying to eat something. Then if there is something they really want to get to, they will stop at nothing to jump or climb to it. It will be child-safety place- all the shelves or wall hangings high enough they can''t jump up on it or get to it from furniture. It will be very interesting.

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/27/2006 7:18:36 PM
Author: nytemist
It''s not too, too weird, but he''s a little out there! He and his sister treated these cats like their children. I know anyone who truly loves their pet does this. I did it when I had a dog years ago. This was the trigger for my stuff coming in. I own stuff that is glass that the boys can destroy- shot glasses, vases, candle holders, figurines. Also, things that could hurt them, pewter figurines, wrought iron wall peices, and medieval weaponry. He is so afraid of something falling off the wall and coming down on a cat that he doesn''t even want me to put them up! This will be a sticking point in the next few weeks- the tug of war that we will need shelves and that he doens''t want a ton of holes in the walls. I said we have a few weeks to figure out a middle ground.


He also worried because his boys are chewers. Especially plastic. CD cases, bags, tape. He always has to stop them from trying to eat something. Then if there is something they really want to get to, they will stop at nothing to jump or climb to it. It will be child-safety place- all the shelves or wall hangings high enough they can''t jump up on it or get to it from furniture. It will be very interesting.

Just point out if the cats are so clever as to require such effort to cat-proof the place, then they''re not dumb enough to be killed by a falling object.

 

[firebirdgold]

Cats are not going to be impaled by falling objects. [
] However I do recommend you guys invest in a couple of glass-fronted cabinets. I''ve got one from Mexico that doesn''t look at all ''precious'', but rather medieval instead. Unlike mine, his cats will knock anything off onto the floor that they possibly can budge. So my breakable decorative objects are going behind glass. You can get bookcases from ikea and others that have glass doors as well.

 

[sumbride]

Yeah, I don''t decorate to protect the cats... they''re pretty swift when they need to be... I decorate to protect my things FROM the cats! Our shelves are up high to keep stuff from getting knocked over because HIS cat (which I asked him to adopt...) loves to knock stuff over. My cats never do this, but now that Bill the Cat (yes, we named him that!) has moved in, nothing is sacred... and my great-grandmother''s Niolak vase is in a glass-fronted cabinet mounted on the wall. I have a collection of ironwood carved turtles that I''ve yet to unpack.

tell him there''s a reason spackle was invented. Put as many holes in the wall as you need to feel at home!