Crazy? Yes, but had a good idea

[stacyQ]

Second part to the crazy saga...... thanks to all of the GREAT advice that I received on the board, I had the idea to make a list of five questions for my boyfriend that I needed more than vague answers to for me to continue in the relationship. I left the questions on his computer so they would be there when he got home from work (I go to class at night, so he had three hours to be alone and answer them). I asked him to write the answers down, because sometimes people put more thought into their answers that way. I told him that I would answer the questions to, and that later when I got home we would compare our answers and find out if we truly were on the same page. I asked questions like "What have you told friends about our relationship when asked how serious you are about me?" and "What exactly do you need from this realtionship or personally to feel like you want to get engaged?"

Well, he answered all of the questions, his answers matched mine, and he apologized for flipping out last week. I was just over emotional because I have been dicked aroound by guys before, and never thougth he would do the same (good thing he wasn''t). Turns out, he sees engaement as the same as being married, while I see engagement as only being a small step there. I would like to get engaged sooner and then wait to get married, while he would rather wait to get engaged and then get married right away. So we agreed to compromise, he will have to propose sooner than he would like and I am going to have to wait longer than I would like.

Thanks guys, I credit you all for keeping me sane and giving me those hard questions to ask. I still have a relationship becasue of it.

 

[blueroses]

Good for you Stacy....I''m really glad he was responsive to that.

If it''s not too nosy of me, I''d love to know what the questions are--I bet there are other LIWs who could find that kind of dialogue-opener w/ our bfs helpful!!

 

[MissAva]

I was just thinking the same thing Blueroses...

 

[blueroses]

Matatora, seriously!!! We need to share the wealth when we find a tactic that works!!

 

[stacyQ]

Here they are, in order. And mine were specific to my situation, but the idea is that writing stuff down forced him to structure his answers, and since it is delayed response, he is not going to pop off and say something unintentionally hurtful like week.

1. How serious is this realtionship to you in relation to your past relationships? (We both answered that this was the first relationship for both of us that we had even entertained the possibility of marriage with).

2.Has anyone (family or friend) asked you about how serious you are about our relationship, and if so, what did you tell them? (We both answered yes, and both said that we hold told others that this relationship was "the one". I just hadn't heard him say it in front of me ever).

3. What are your plans for the next five years and what kind of ideal chronological order would you like for things to happen in? (Our lists scarily came out the exact same with slight variance on the time frames........ even though I was writing mine in class instead of listening to the lecture!)

4.Am I included in your financial goals, and what exactly are those goals? (I asked this because a previous boyfriend of mine was really stingy, and Ed makes a ton more money than I do, his answer was yes btw).

5. What exactly do you need personally/from this realtionship in order to feel ready to be engaged? Married? Have children? (This is where his *in my opinion* kinda weird ideas about engagement came out, but both of cited the need for better communication skills before engagement, so we are looking into that).

It was as much about getting the answers as it was about getting them in a way I could deal with.

 

[lilyinct]

Good for you! What a calm and rational thing to do, to write out some questions...which then forced him to really think about the situation, as well as where you''re coming from. I''m very happy for you!

 

[memsy]

Thanks for posting the questions, Stacy! I bet you''ve helped alot of people. I''m not even on the list (and don''t want to be) but I still may use your questions!

 

[msb700]

im happy that everything has been clarified for you Stacy and im sure sharing all of ur feeling in such a rational and reasonable manner has just elevated ur level of communication and understanding for each other!!

im glad everything worked out for u, wish u all the best!

 

[MissAva]

Ohh intreasting questions.