Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regrets?

[ruby59]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

It saddens me to think that a person doesn't feel he/she is enough without a child or spouse.

Each person is whole and complete on their own. There isn't 'something wrong' with a person who doesn't have a child or spouse.

There are so many different reasons why a person may or may not have children, and may or may not have a spouse.

In the thread asking those with children if they have regrets, I don't think anyone will post that they are a parent and regret it.

I have children and love them more than I can express.
However, without getting into specifics, its safe to say I know of parents who regret having a child.

I included having or not having a spouse because it seems there can be views, expectations, and opinions about that as well. We don't all have to reproduce or live under the same roof as someone else. External pressure, or what we perceive as external pressure, should not dictate our self-image or sense of worth.

I mean this with the utmost respect, December Fire - I think it's easy to say "You should feel like you're enough without a child or spouse," when you have been able to have children. It's impossible for you to understand how it feels to be childless, so it's unfair to make such a statement. For the record, I'm happy for you (and anyone in my life also) that you have kids and have been able to have that experience.

People often say things like "not everyone is meant to be a mother." And clearly I wasn't meant to be one, or I would have been able. But every time someone says this, it stings and causes me pain. And it's almost always someone who HAS children who says this to me, which hurts a little extra, because they TRULY cannot understand how it feels to be childless and sad about it.

Thank you for bringing this up, Violet.

My SIL has anti sperm antibodies and was unable to have children.

It devastated her especially around kid family holidays, like Christmas and Easter. She avoided going to malls and certain stores and restaurants because of it.

She has now come to terms with it but will truly never get over the fact that she wanted children very badly but could not have them.

She also suffered from comments like you are too uptight, and if you only relaxed, you would get pregnant.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I appreciate you starting this thread, Jambalaya. I am also curious if I will have regrets about not having a child. I've often said that I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them. I'm of childbearing age (for a few more years), but there's quite a lot that has gone into the decision not to have children up to this point. DH and I have prioritized other things--financial stability being a big one, then education, and careers. After working very hard to get to a certain point in our lives when we can easily travel, save easily, and are getting ready to buy our first house, I would also now be considered of "advanced maternal age," which I have to take seriously because of other genetic factors that we both bring to the table.

It's not a simple question, and I never assume that it's an easy decision for people who don't have children--lots of women I know who don't have kids have, at some point, let me know that their decision wasn't just one factor--it was multiple things (their partner being a big factor), or the decision was made for them by having infertility or other medical issues that would complicate pregnancy to the point that it would be dangerous for them to have a baby.

A related story: I wasn't watching my weight in the last year very well, and when I went to a work training event in the fall, people saw me who hadn't seen me in a while, and a woman I've known since I was 17 looked at my pudgy belly and said, excitedly, "Are you...???!!?" And I responded, "Nope, just FAT!" And she felt so bad. I was embarrassed, and so so so angry. I would NEVER ask someone if they even PLAN to have kids, let alone look at their body and decide it's appropriate to ask if they are pregnant without being explicitly told so. This is why we still need feminism.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Hi, Rubybeth. I agree that for some, there are many factors that go into the decision not to have kids. (Of course, there are many women without kids who are 101% certain and are "Nope! Definitely not! All good here!" but that's not really what this thread is about. Had I been 101%, of course there'd have been no need to start it.) But for other women, who are on the fence, things like timing, and marriage quality, and a myriad of other things can be factors that tip the scales one way or the other.

If I had had a different marriage, and had it younger, I may well have had kids. But I didn't want them at any cost.

The final decision was made for me because he walked out...but actually, in hindsight, one of the side benefits of not having reproduced with that particular man is that I didn't end up forever connected to his family. His family were cold, not nice, and absolutely not my types. A sister-in-law, who married into the family and had one child, also didn't like them and would visibly bristle at any reminder that her son was biologically connected with them! She really didn't like her/our in-laws! My former MIL said that this SIL would say, in front of her, "Oh, well, that's the [xxxx] family for you!" My MIL was offended, but I secretly thought it was pretty funny because I felt the same way!

I guess it's about counting your blessings, but I'm just reflecting today on how one positive side effect of not having kids is that I wasn't tied to that family forever and I didn't mix my genes with theirs. This is a good thing!

Rubybeth, I hear you on the comments. Oh, man, when I was married! Once, a few years ago, I'd left my job due to a bad work situation and I was telling a group of people at a party that I'd done it. They were all like, "Yay!! Good for you!" and on hearing the noise, this guy pipes up, "Are you pregnant?" Why couldn't he just have said, "Hey, what's going on? What are we celebrating?"

And another time, when I was really young but married, I'd got a new job that I was very proud of - it was with an amazing, world-famous company. Again, I was at a social gathering and I said that I had some good news, and this woman - who was younger than me and very career-focused, never seemed interested in kids herself - well, she patted her stomach and raised her eyebrows at me when I said I had good news. Typing this, the anger I felt is coming back. I could have punched her in the face! So completely disrespectful and ruined my job news, too.

When I was engaged, I said to an aunt that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, and she told me I was immature.

Yeah. Fun times.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Rubybeth, I hear you on the comments. Oh, man, when I was married! Once, a few years ago, I'd left my job due to a bad work situation and I was telling a group of people at a party that I'd done it. They were all like, "Yay!! Good for you!" and on hearing the noise, this guy pipes up, "Are you pregnant?" Why couldn't he just have said, "Hey, what's going on? What are we celebrating?"

And another time, when I was really young but married, I'd got a new job that I was very proud of - it was with an amazing, world-famous company. Again, I was at a social gathering and I said that I had some good news, and this woman - who was younger than me and very career-focused, never seemed interested in kids herself - well, she patted her stomach and raised her eyebrows at me when I said I had good news. Typing this, the anger I felt is coming back. I could have punched her in the face! So completely disrespectful and ruined my job news, too.

When I was engaged, I said to an aunt that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, and she told me I was immature.

Yeah. Fun times.

Ugh, I would be so mad! I would have retorted, "Actually, by considering the question of children thoughtfully, I am more mature than the general population!"

The one nice type of comment we sometimes get from people is that we'd make wonderful parents. I think that's why we get comments to the effect of "when will you have kids?" People see us as being very loving, stable, caring people, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. We also both work in professions in which we work with kids or our work influences kids, and so we both have the intellectual knowledge to raise intelligent, healthy, well-adjusted, children with appropriate boundaries and attachment, but because of this knowledge, we also know how you can pretty easily mess up your kid for life! We have a few more years to decide, but we are both very satisfied with our lives as-is, so I don't think either of us will be devastated if we don't end up having a child.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I never wanted children. I prefer jewelry and purses because I don't have to buy them clothes or put them through school.

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I was at my sister's house last night, visiting my sweet nephews (4 & 6), and a friend from high school was over with her two kids. Her children were wild and crazy and so are my nephews, so it was REALLY loud and insane, which I love to watch (the joy).

My friend's daughter did something funny, but borderline obnoxious (involving throwing food) and I laughed because she really has a HUGE personality and she reminds me of myself in my youth - funny, but likely to drive a parent insane. I remarked that the daughter was hilarious, and she said "Yeah, it's hilarious if you don't have children." Just...OUCH. I left shortly after that - truthfully, I'm probably one of the ONLY adults in the world without children who would have found that kid hilarious. Most childless people would find her obnoxious, uncontrollable, and rude. Sometimes it just sucks trying to navigate life in a world where it's divided between those who have children and those who do not.

 

[meladori]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

for cultural reasons, my mom has been putting pressure on me to have kids but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. husband and I live apart due to work reasons (language barrier in the other one’s country, lack of job opportunities) and see each other on weekends, and I’ve never felt this overwhelming urge to be a parent the way some people do. even if we resolved the geographic situation by me moving to husband’s country (because he refuses to move here) I’d have to take a massive pay cut and kids take a lot of financial resources and familial resources which I won’t have access to. if I stayed here I'd essentially be a solo parent most of the time. for me it's one of those things that sounds good in theory but in practice would probably be very difficult and not as rewarding as it seems to be.

 

[Alybetter]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Addressed to women because we have our biological choices curtailed in a way that men don't:

I guess I'm thinking about this stuff because it's Valentine's Day, and I was thinking about my ex.

I don't have kids because my former marriage, and my ex-husband, was unstable. Lots of mood swings, bad temper, and walkings-out. I would have liked children if I'd been in a stable marriage, but I didn't want them at any cost. In the end, the decision was made for me because he walked out on me when I was 42 after a decade of marriage. He came back for quite while but I'd been so hurt that it was never the same, and after he left me, I'd already decided for good before he came back that I wasn't going to have kids with him. (It wasn't all as bad as I describe. There were good times too but my ex had some significant mental and emotional difficulties.) My cousin was very different - I've written about her here before. She said her whole life would be meaningless without kids, and she had them with a man who was horribly abusive, physically. Their kids are growing up seeing Mommy not allowed to have any dinner and called a rhymes-with-witch and all manner of things. But she wanted to have children whatever the cost, and I didn't feel that way.

I still wonder if I did the right thing. Kids of mine would have grown up in an unstable household with a ton of tension and would have absorbed some very unhealthy behaviors. Although he wasn't physically abusive, he was certainly emotionally abusive and pretty horrible sometimes, including ignoring me LOTS. It was something of a relief when he left me. I truly believe that he would have walked out on me and any kids if we'd had them - I know him and I'm sure that kids wouldn't have stopped him leaving.

However, if I'd had kids with him...I'd still have them now, but instead, I only have extended family and some lovely friends. It seems that everyone I know has kids, but in fact well over 20% of women my age don't have them.

So, to others who didn't have kids for whatever reason, do you regret it? Do you think you'll regret it in the future? Do you feel the odd one out sometimes? And how do you explain when people ask you about it? Just the other day, a co-worker asked if I was anti-kids. It's not as simple as saying "I never wanted them." I don't want to explain to people about my ex and his challenges. It really wasn't simple in my situation. I'm mostly happy with my decision - I think having kids with my ex would have been immeasurably hard and I just wasn't prepared to make on 90% of the responsibility. I also thought it was wrong to bring a child into a home which I knew was frequently unstable and unhappy. But sometimes I wonder, you know? Maybe I should have just gone for it, like other people do.

The research is confusing, but it basically says that parents are less happy day-to-day but feel a deeper sense of reward overall than people who don't have kids.

I know for some people, it's simple - they didn't want them. But for people who weren't sure and ultimately opted out, or who were stymied by circumstance, how did you resolve this issue in your life?

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman who doesn't have kids.

Thanks!

J.

I'm sorry that circumstances make you feel like you have to explain yourself.
I'm sorry if you wanted children but feel that time has passed and you can't have any.
Life is more than having children. It is no longer necessary for survival of species. I'm sure there are ancient biological drives that influence people to feel like they need to procreate, but the truth is they do not.
I think it's wise and unselfish that you didn't bring children into a bad situation, I wish more people made the choice you did.

Find things, animals, people that you love and care for. Give your love to something or someone that deserves it. That's just as fulfilling as having a child. You sound like a brave woman and good person who made a difficult choice.
The club of moms is not everything it's cracked up to be.

 

[Kbell]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Hi all! Old lurker... what a wealth of information this site provides! Anyway...
I have gone back & forth on this. When I was 20s-30s I definitely did not want children at all.
Totally against it. As I got to mid-late 30's I started to change my mind. Around 39 my ex husb and I
started to try (he really wanted kids thus helping shape my decision) but it was not in the cards for
us. Multiple miscarriages later I gave up. We researched adoption but the wait & the money felt like extortion!
I honestly felt like I was being punished financially for not being able to do something most women can do
so naturally. And the problem could have been my ex as well, who knows - we never got tested. And in hind site
a narcissist (my x) does not make a good co-parent or life partner so that situation worked out for the best.

As a woman in her mid forties I have mixed feelings now.
In a way, I wish I had at least one to give my all to, but on the other hand I love my pretty carefree
lifestyle. I'm also the most impatient person I know which might not be the best quality for a mom.
(case in point I bought a diamond because I want one & wanted control over which one instead of waiting for my BF
to get one - he is totally OK with this and is paying for it lol)
My best GF has young twins and I have watched them grow, throw tantrums, etc and I know
all she goes/has gone through as a single parent. I have no idea how she does it. So most of the time
I am very happy with my boyfriend and pets. There are those rare times when I long for what I'm sure I'm
missing but those times are very rare. My boyfriend commented the other day how cute a baby would be with
us as parents - that's one of those times that makes me ache a little, but then it quickly fades away. Most of my friends
children are older now so I'm not around a ton of little one's to get that awwww I wish I had one feeling.
I am totally OK with how things turned out and have no regrets about prior decisions, even bad ones. Life's full
of things to enjoy and is very short so I've stopped beating myself up or asking what if & just enjoy what is & what
can be. At this point & age I am set on not having any.

I try never make comments or question anyone about having or not having children. It's a very personal decision and one doesn't
know the exact circumstances as to why one does not have them.

 

[Strawberry129]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I didn't know that so many PSers were childless (or childfree?)....

My fiance and I are 29 and 27 respectively. We've discussed this many, many times. He knows where I stand with having no kids. We still have a few more years and I don't doubt that people do change, maybe we will. I already told him that don't expect it however cause my mind is pretty much set. I've seen my niece/nephews do cute things, and I've seen many upon many 'non-hallmark' moments with them. Sometimes, the grass is just greener on the other side, but it's really not. Of course, there's moments where people wonder how life could be different if they had taken a different path (career, had different parents, lived in a different town, won the lottery)...but it should just be a fleeting thought because this is your life now and it's important to enjoy it for what it is.

I won't ever know how a woman who wanted kids but can't have them will feel, and I'm truly sorry that life is crazy that way. What I can say is that you are WORTH having a happy life...so try to find love in other places (pets, niece/nephews, or hobbies) like another poster said. Try to find something that you get fulfillment out of...

When people ask me about kids, I just tell them "Nope, we're not interested." I fight back rudeness with blunt, short answers. Kids aren't something that you can return at Walmart within 30 days, so I respect those who put a lot of thought into it.

----------------
Also, I don't look at parents any differently because they had kids. I don't think parents are better than me for 'self-sacrificing' their life and time for this kids. Some parents are crappy and this should not make them better than me. For good parents, they've made that choice and they get fulfillment out of it, I don't see it as something that should make them better than me. I intend on donating all my money to cancer research for kids when I die, it's my choice and it's not to win a "better-than-this-person race." We're all worthy of being equal (until proven otherwise) parent or no parent. It's how you treat others that should determine if you're a contributing member to society or not and not whether you gave birth.

 

[Alybetter]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I didn't know that so many PSers were childless (or childfree?)....

----------------
Also, I don't look at parents any differently because they had kids. I don't think parents are better than me for 'self-sacrificing' their life and time for this kids. Some parents are crappy and this should not make them better than me. For good parents, they've made that choice and they get fulfillment out of it, I don't see it as something that should make them better than me. I intend on donating all my money to cancer research for kids when I die, it's my choice and it's not to win a "better-than-this-person race." We're all worthy of being equal (until proven otherwise) parent or no parent. It's how you treat others that should determine if you're a contributing member to society or not and not whether you gave birth.

Exactly.

 

[Kbell]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

----------------
Also, I don't look at parents any differently because they had kids. I don't think parents are better than me for 'self-sacrificing' their life and time for this kids. Some parents are crappy and this should not make them better than me. For good parents, they've made that choice and they get fulfillment out of it, I don't see it as something that should make them better than me. I intend on donating all my money to cancer research for kids when I die, it's my choice and it's not to win a "better-than-this-person race." We're all worthy of being equal (until proven otherwise) parent or no parent. It's how you treat others that should determine if you're a contributing member to society or not and not whether you gave birth.

Thankfully, none of my circle is in this "better than" race. My biggest pet peeve is when acquaintances will say "it's because you don't have kids" any time you have something nice or go on vacation. It's so lame & untrue - like somehow these things are just handed to you as some prize for not having children - not because you worked your butt off or anything. One of my best friends and her husb also work their butts off and go on vacation with & without their 2 kids literally more than anyone I know. They're on a great vacation with the kids right now lol.

 

[cmd2014]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I've found that this thread has given voice to many of my experiences. My husband and I were not able to have children, and at 38 I had to have a hysterectomy secondary to the issues that caused my infertility. We also tried adoption, but found the fees and the wait times prohibitive. Even for international adoptions, which we would have happily done.

I'm 45 now. I'm happy in my life. This might not have been how I would have chosen to go all else being equal, but I have found happiness in other ways. I enjoy leisure time, traveling, my husband, my job. I don't believe that we need children to be happy. Or loved. Or unselfish. I am not lonely. I actually enjoy my spouse most of the time. I have a nice life.

But being childless isn't a picnic either. And it's mainly because of other people. It never fails to surprise me how people can sometimes be so carelessly, thoughtlessly, casually, awful. I'm not even sure they are aware how hurtful they can be.

Because I am a professional woman, people often assume that I hate children, that I didn't want children, or that I over-prioritized my career and got too old to have children. None of these things are true. My fertility issues began in my teens/early 20's (maybe even earlier) - long before I would have been ready to raise a child. But because of these assumptions, I have spent a lifetime doing my best to be graceful in the face of hurtful remarks about when, whether, or why we were not having children on other people's timetables. I've had remarks about my "aging eggs," about "being careful not to get too old" while "putting my career first," about "depriving" our parents of grandchildren, and about how I will "change my mind" about having children once I get older.

I have had people intrusively insist that (*insert any variant of unproven alternative medicine treatment here*) will "cure" my infertility because it did for a friend of a friend. Trust me, if Chinese herbs/acupuncture/transcendental meditation (or "just relaxing") worked, I wouldn't have paid (physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially) for fertility drugs, elective surgeries, and ultimately IVF before admitting that I just couldn't do it anymore.

I also can't tell you how many people have cheerfully told me that once I adopted a child, I'd suddenly start pumping out children of my own (because that too apparently happened to someone they knew), or who have expressed incredulity about how freaking difficult it has been to be successful on the adoption front.

I've had women tell me that I will never know what "real" love is because of my childless state (because somehow I am missing a love chip that only comes with children and not from any other relationships in life?). Or that parenting is the only thing that makes a person unselfish (take THAT Mother Theresa!).

I don't know who will care for me when I get old (so please, stop asking!).

And no, I have never worried that my husband would leave me because I was unable to fulfill the only function that I apparently have as a wife. He actually loves me, enough that he married me knowing what the deal was likely to be, even though I know he always assumed that he'd have children of his own.

But what is really hurtful has been how I have been slowly edged out of all of the friendships that I used to have. At first it was just a subtle assumption that my time was less valuable. That I should be the one to travel, be ok with last minute cancellations, or work my schedule around everyone else's because it's 'easier for me' as the one who doesn't have kids. Which I happily did. But then my friends slowly stopped making time for me because it was easier for them to maintain friendships with other women/couples who have children. There was no room for me in the midst of soccer meets, school assignments, play dates, or the busyness of life. My house is inconvenient to come to because I don't have a children's play area (or a handy playmate) - I know this and I freely admit it. But I've been told that it's too much trouble for me to come to them and visit while their children play in their own comfortable space because that "puts the burden of hosting on the person who has the least time to do it." Plus, "I wouldn't understand anyway" even if they did make time for me and wanted to talk about life. My love of being an aunt doesn't count in these circles. The fact that I actually (for the most part) enjoy their kids doesn't either. It's a sad message, really. Because this difficult and painful thing happened to me, I'm somehow less worthy of being a friend.

So for me, I would say that this is the real cost of not having children. Not really belonging anymore. Or at least not in the ways that I had assumed I would. I hear from my single friends that their couple friends do the same to them. Such is the apparent drive to be with others exactly like us... (ETA: before anyone gets too sad...please know that I made new friends! People who I love dearly and who love me. It just sucks sometimes that I felt that I had to).

So being on a path that is not the norm is hard. It doesn't mean that it's the wrong one. It's just not the well traveled one.

My hope Jambalaya, is that you can read this and realize that some of what you have internalized says more about the people saying it than it does about you. That you can find happiness in your own life, regardless of whether or not it turns out exactly the way that you might have hoped. That you are worthy of being loved (and that you are loved if you look around for it), that you are not selfish just because you didn't give birth, that motherhood is not some magic empathy pill or selflessness potion, and that if your child-blessed friends drift away, it's about them, not about you. And that you are not alone. We are out here. We're just a little harder to spot.

 

[House Cat]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Dearest J,

My mother said she wanted me but throughout my entire life, she treated me as though she didn't. She was abusive and neglectful and jealous. I have SO MANY ISSUES, J. Really, I am a total mess. My little brother, who is 11 years younger than me...is even worse. We were put on the earth to serve that woman and whenever we stepped out of line, meaning...whenever we had a need of our own, we were taught a lesson.

My brother had a great dad, by default, I had a great step-dad. This man has been there for us through EVERYTHING. He has shown us unconditional love, caught us when we've fallen, saved us when we made a total mess of our lives. What he couldn't do was protect us from her, keep her brand of abuse from creating a gargantuan whole in our hearts, protect us from the extreme PTSD that she put into us, make her not our mother. His love, as powerful as it was, could not save us from her terror.

So yeah, that man of yours would have been a shitty dad and he would have abused those kids, and you would have had them, but it is likely that you would have had to watch helplessly, as the pain that he caused made your children unreachable with God knows what...mental illness, addiction, self harm, or even blaming you.

As Tacori said, I have the utmost respect for you because you didn't bring children into that home. I hope that you can feel at peace with your decision. You are a woman of great strength.

 

[Strawberry129]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I've had women tell me that I will never know what "real" love is because of my childless state (because somehow I am missing a love chip that only comes with children and not from any other relationships in life?). Or that parenting is the only thing that makes a person unselfish (take THAT Mother Theresa!).

I don't know who will care for me when I get old (so please, stop asking!).

And no, I have never worried that my husband would leave me because I was unable to fulfill the only function that I apparently have as a wife. He actually loves me, enough that he married me knowing what the deal was likely to be, even though I know he always assumed that he'd have children of his own.

But what is really hurtful has been how I have been slowly edged out of all of the friendships that I used to have. At first it was just a subtle assumption that my time was less valuable. That I should be the one to travel, be ok with last minute cancellations, or work my schedule around everyone else's because it's 'easier for me' as the one who doesn't have kids. Which I happily did. But then my friends slowly stopped making time for me because it was easier for them to maintain friendships with other women/couples who have children. There was no room for me in the midst of soccer meets, school assignments, play dates, or the busyness of life. My house is inconvenient to come to because I don't have a children's play area (or a handy playmate) - I know this and I freely admit it. But I've been told that it's too much trouble for me to come to them and visit while their children play in their own comfortable space because that "puts the burden of hosting on the person who has the least time to do it." Plus, "I wouldn't understand anyway" even if they did make time for me and wanted to talk about life. My love of being an aunt doesn't count in these circles. The fact that I actually (for the most part) enjoy their kids doesn't either. It's a sad message, really. Because this difficult and painful thing happened to me, I'm somehow less worthy of being a friend.

So for me, I would say that this is the real cost of not having children. Not really belonging anymore. Or at least not in the ways that I had assumed I would. I hear from my single friends that their couple friends do the same to them. Such is the apparent drive to be with others exactly like us... (ETA: before anyone gets too sad...please know that I made new friends! People who I love dearly and who love me. It just sucks sometimes that I felt that I had to).

So being on a path that is not the norm is hard. It doesn't mean that it's the wrong one. It's just not the well traveled one.

My hope Jambalaya, is that you can read this and realize that some of what you have internalized says more about the people saying it than it does about you. That you can find happiness in your own life, regardless of whether or not it turns out exactly the way that you might have hoped. That you are worthy of being loved (and that you are loved if you look around for it), that you are not selfish just because you didn't give birth, that motherhood is not some magic empathy pill or selflessness potion, and that if your child-blessed friends drift away, it's about them, not about you. And that you are not alone. We are out here. We're just a little harder to spot.

Can I give you 10000 likes for this post? You've hit everything on the nail and have a very good approach when it comes to having no kids. It's easy to throw pity parties for one self, but it's hard to accept things as they are and yet still see the beauty in your life and appreciate life for how it turned out.

I never got the you don't know what 'real love' is. I love my mom differently than the way that I love my fiance, but make no mistake that I would give up money/material possessions for their good health and lose limbs before I would want to lose them. If that's not 'real love,' I don't know what is. Besides, if only 'real love' can exist between a mom/child, then does that mean that their love towards their husband is fake? That's as strange as saying if you didn't grow up with a mom/dad, grandparent, siblings, {insert relative} you don't know love. Real love comes in many forms. Period. I think part of why parents say this is just to 'one up' the next person and make it so that only their love is 'pure.'

You're more than an oven to pop out kids and that doesn't make you any less of a woman. It's their ignorance that allows them to think that way. I wonder how great their marriage is if they see their husband/wife only as an oven/sperm donor instead of a life companion.

I agree that the problem is with your friends. People without kids still have errands to run, work, house chores, health issues that needs to be addressed, house renovations, etc, etc. Sometimes, people drift away just because of changes in lifestyle. If you became a billionaire, it's not you that's changed...Many times, It's the people who are your friends that try to dissociate from you since you suddenly don't know their 'daily sufferings' anymore. You're suddenly not on 'their team' anymore, and they think that you're judging them for their life choices. Then, you have to find other friends who "gets it" and I'm glad that you are. Don't get me wrong, losing friends is hard and I'm sorry that your friends don't look at you the same. You seem to have a great husband, good friends, and a positive outlook on life and you're awesome!

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

But what is really hurtful has been how I have been slowly edged out of all of the friendships that I used to have. At first it was just a subtle assumption that my time was less valuable. That I should be the one to travel, be ok with last minute cancellations, or work my schedule around everyone else's because it's 'easier for me' as the one who doesn't have kids. Which I happily did. But then my friends slowly stopped making time for me because it was easier for them to maintain friendships with other women/couples who have children. There was no room for me in the midst of soccer meets, school assignments, play dates, or the busyness of life. My house is inconvenient to come to because I don't have a children's play area (or a handy playmate) - I know this and I freely admit it. But I've been told that it's too much trouble for me to come to them and visit while their children play in their own comfortable space because that "puts the burden of hosting on the person who has the least time to do it." Plus, "I wouldn't understand anyway" even if they did make time for me and wanted to talk about life. My love of being an aunt doesn't count in these circles. The fact that I actually (for the most part) enjoy their kids doesn't either. It's a sad message, really. Because this difficult and painful thing happened to me, I'm somehow less worthy of being a friend.

So for me, I would say that this is the real cost of not having children. Not really belonging anymore. Or at least not in the ways that I had assumed I would. I hear from my single friends that their couple friends do the same to them. Such is the apparent drive to be with others exactly like us... (ETA: before anyone gets too sad...please know that I made new friends! People who I love dearly and who love me. It just sucks sometimes that I felt that I had to).

Yes. This. Every word. I'm so sorry to hear that you have also experienced this - it's really lonely. I too made new friends, but was sad that I felt I needed to, and felt I no longer fit in in my own established relationships that I spent years creating and nurturing. Hugs to you.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

CMD, Thank you for such an honest post. Please know you were not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I think many of us have had the same experiences you listed.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I never wanted children. I prefer jewelry and purses because I don't have to buy them clothes or put them through school.

Thanks, MB. So, definitely no regrets?

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I was at my sister's house last night, visiting my sweet nephews (4 & 6), and a friend from high school was over with her two kids. Her children were wild and crazy and so are my nephews, so it was REALLY loud and insane, which I love to watch (the joy).

My friend's daughter did something funny, but borderline obnoxious (involving throwing food) and I laughed because she really has a HUGE personality and she reminds me of myself in my youth - funny, but likely to drive a parent insane. I remarked that the daughter was hilarious, and she said "Yeah, it's hilarious if you don't have children." Just...OUCH. I left shortly after that - truthfully, I'm probably one of the ONLY adults in the world without children who would have found that kid hilarious. Most childless people would find her obnoxious, uncontrollable, and rude. Sometimes it just sucks trying to navigate life in a world where it's divided between those who have children and those who do not.

Violet...oh no, what a hurtful comment. I am so sorry about what you've gone through on this issue, and remarks like this must be very hard to hear. Despite everybody knowing that it's very hard/impossible for some people to have kids, I do find that everybody just assumes that a given woman didn't want them, if she doesn't have them. I remember so many hurtful remarks from people back when I was married, from people who had NO way of knowing if I'd had six miscarriages or had been trying and trying with no luck. For all they knew, I could have been fighting major depression about it. I wasn't, but they didn't know that, and the hurtful remarks kept coming. Sounds as if your situation is similar. Never seems to occur to ANYONE that perhaps a woman without kids couldn't have them!

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

for cultural reasons, my mom has been putting pressure on me to have kids but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. husband and I live apart due to work reasons (language barrier in the other one’s country, lack of job opportunities) and see each other on weekends, and I’ve never felt this overwhelming urge to be a parent the way some people do. even if we resolved the geographic situation by me moving to husband’s country (because he refuses to move here) I’d have to take a massive pay cut and kids take a lot of financial resources and familial resources which I won’t have access to. if I stayed here I'd essentially be a solo parent most of the time. for me it's one of those things that sounds good in theory but in practice would probably be very difficult and not as rewarding as it seems to be.

Sounds as if you have some reservations, Meladori. But I think you're young, and have some time? Maybe wait and see if your circumstances change and see how you feel down the road.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I'm sorry that circumstances make you feel like you have to explain yourself.
I'm sorry if you wanted children but feel that time has passed and you can't have any.
Life is more than having children. It is no longer necessary for survival of species. I'm sure there are ancient biological drives that influence people to feel like they need to procreate, but the truth is they do not.
I think it's wise and unselfish that you didn't bring children into a bad situation, I wish more people made the choice you did.

Find things, animals, people that you love and care for. Give your love to something or someone that deserves it. That's just as fulfilling as having a child. You sound like a brave woman and good person who made a difficult choice.
The club of moms is not everything it's cracked up to be.

Thanks, Alybetter. It is indeed hard to be a non-parent when the vast majority of your peers are parents. I do also think there's a lot of judgement toward women without kids. Yes, time passed - my childbearing years were during that marriage, and he was just impossible. I do make the most of my freedom, and I think I made the right decision - I'd be a struggling single mom now, with no guarantee that he'd pay child support. (You'd be amazed how many men get out of paying.)

I agree about finding other meaningful things in life. I think there will always be a deep, child-shaped hole inside me, but I still think that's better than bringing a child into a bad situation. He had some serious mental and emotional challenges, and any child could have inherited those, too, whether genetically or by copying behavior. For me, at least, I don't think there's anything I could do in life that would quite make up for not having a child of my own, but I deeply believe that we would not have been a happy family, and you can't miss what you've never had so most of the time I'm fine about it. I'm just aware that, for me, there are depths of my soul that will remain forever unplumbed. But better that than have a kid with the ex - of that, I'm certain.

Thanks for your reply above.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I didn't know that so many PSers were childless (or childfree?)....

My fiance and I are 29 and 27 respectively. We've discussed this many, many times. He knows where I stand with having no kids. We still have a few more years and I don't doubt that people do change, maybe we will. I already told him that don't expect it however cause my mind is pretty much set. I've seen my niece/nephews do cute things, and I've seen many upon many 'non-hallmark' moments with them. Sometimes, the grass is just greener on the other side, but it's really not. Of course, there's moments where people wonder how life could be different if they had taken a different path (career, had different parents, lived in a different town, won the lottery)...but it should just be a fleeting thought because this is your life now and it's important to enjoy it for what it is.

I won't ever know how a woman who wanted kids but can't have them will feel, and I'm truly sorry that life is crazy that way. What I can say is that you are WORTH having a happy life...so try to find love in other places (pets, niece/nephews, or hobbies) like another poster said. Try to find something that you get fulfillment out of...

When people ask me about kids, I just tell them "Nope, we're not interested." I fight back rudeness with blunt, short answers. Kids aren't something that you can return at Walmart within 30 days, so I respect those who put a lot of thought into it.

----------------
Also, I don't look at parents any differently because they had kids. I don't think parents are better than me for 'self-sacrificing' their life and time for this kids. Some parents are crappy and this should not make them better than me. For good parents, they've made that choice and they get fulfillment out of it, I don't see it as something that should make them better than me. I intend on donating all my money to cancer research for kids when I die, it's my choice and it's not to win a "better-than-this-person race." We're all worthy of being equal (until proven otherwise) parent or no parent. It's how you treat others that should determine if you're a contributing member to society or not and not whether you gave birth.

Thanks, Strawberry. It's good that you know your own mind on this issue. When you're married, as your thirties go by, you'll need a thick skin and a variety of pithy replies to the baby pressure. (I found the pile-on really happened after I got married, as opposed to just being engaged - perhaps because no one "expects" you to be pregnant yet. And it never ends, because you met new people all the time and many people are hard on married women without kids. Some of us have discussed here the comments we've received.)

I have definitely internalized some of those negative messages so it's refreshing to read your comments about parents not being better and that they get stuff out of it, too.

What I really love is when a married mom says that she fully supports women who don't have kids and freely admits how much work and worry it is, and that while she would never swap her own, she feels that not having them is totally understandable. Women like that are so honest and empathetic, and balanced in their viewpoint.

Sadly, there are many more who think that our lives are meaningless and unimportant without kids.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

----------------
Also, I don't look at parents any differently because they had kids. I don't think parents are better than me for 'self-sacrificing' their life and time for this kids. Some parents are crappy and this should not make them better than me. For good parents, they've made that choice and they get fulfillment out of it, I don't see it as something that should make them better than me. I intend on donating all my money to cancer research for kids when I die, it's my choice and it's not to win a "better-than-this-person race." We're all worthy of being equal (until proven otherwise) parent or no parent. It's how you treat others that should determine if you're a contributing member to society or not and not whether you gave birth.

Thankfully, none of my circle is in this "better than" race. My biggest pet peeve is when acquaintances will say "it's because you don't have kids" any time you have something nice or go on vacation. It's so lame & untrue - like somehow these things are just handed to you as some prize for not having children - not because you worked your butt off or anything. One of my best friends and her husb also work their butts off and go on vacation with & without their 2 kids literally more than anyone I know. They're on a great vacation with the kids right now lol.

Hi, Kbell - see, that judgement thing is right there. You have nice things because you don't have kids. I guess they're saying that while you may work for these things, parents work too but give their money to raise their kids, making them more selfless. It's definitely a message that I've internalized. I feel a lack of confidence and kind of...sheepish, for not having kids. I just have to keep remind myself a big reason many parents have kids is so that they'll have someone in their old age - meaning that it's not always an entirely selfless enterprise.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

cmd2014 - I just wanted to thank you so much for your heartfelt post and to say how sorry I am for everything that you've gone through on this issue. The medical stuff sounds hard enough, but plus the awful comments and plus the friends drifting away...that's hard. Thanks for sharing. It's been more comforting than you can know.

In my case, I've done some of the drifting myself. Sometimes I felt the silent judgement. A couple of mom friends simply wouldn't let me say anything about pregnancy, children or childbirth without contradicting me in a pompous tone, presumably because I haven't been through it. But I thought I would go through it, so I read lots and lots about it. I know what meconium is and what a bloody show is, and how babies often look very much like their fathers at birth, even if they end up looking more like their mother's side. But no, I wasn't allowed to say anything. I was with a friend once whose baby was about 8-12 months, I can't remember, and it was the first time I'd met the baby. I cooed over her and asked my friend whether she thought the baby looks more like her side or her husband's side. Her ungracious response? "I just think she looks like a baby." It was the kind of smackdown that moms can sometimes give to non-moms, and I just don't think she'd have said that to a fellow mom. It's not that the comment itself was so bad, it's that it clearly came from a place inside her that had a lack of respect for me as a non-parent.

Sometimes, the toddlers were really badly controlled and I couldn't get through one sentence without the parent needing to attend to the child, for the whole visit.

But the most common reason for friendships with parents fading is that, after my friends had a child, I never saw them alone again, even though they were all married. With one friend, it's been eleven years, and another, almost five. Another one insists that I come to dinner at her house with her husband and children - which is fine, but she will never go out alone with me. Not ever. Not once. These are all people with involved husbands and more than enough money, yet after the baby came along, we never spent time as two friends again. THAT I found hard to cope with. Totally understandable if someone is a single parent or doesn't have a lot of money. But this wasn't the case. You'd think a hardworking mom would love to have a break for a couple of hours with a friend who doesn't have to co-ordinate her own babysitting - time to shoot the breeze at a nice wine bar, a dinner out, maybe a spa afternoon. But no, I found that most people were totally uninterested in being friends in the same way after they had children. Another young friend of mine has just has a baby and she says she's free for dinner anytime, she can just leave the baby with her husband. I find that amazing. It's too good to be true!

Thanks again for writing about your experiences, cmd. If some people are so wrapped up in their children, we're probably better off with friends who have time for us, anyway.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Dearest J,

My mother said she wanted me but throughout my entire life, she treated me as though she didn't. She was abusive and neglectful and jealous. I have SO MANY ISSUES, J. Really, I am a total mess. My little brother, who is 11 years younger than me...is even worse. We were put on the earth to serve that woman and whenever we stepped out of line, meaning...whenever we had a need of our own, we were taught a lesson.

My brother had a great dad, by default, I had a great step-dad. This man has been there for us through EVERYTHING. He has shown us unconditional love, caught us when we've fallen, saved us when we made a total mess of our lives. What he couldn't do was protect us from her, keep her brand of abuse from creating a gargantuan whole in our hearts, protect us from the extreme PTSD that she put into us, make her not our mother. His love, as powerful as it was, could not save us from her terror.

So yeah, that man of yours would have been a shitty dad and he would have abused those kids, and you would have had them, but it is likely that you would have had to watch helplessly, as the pain that he caused made your children unreachable with God knows what...mental illness, addiction, self harm, or even blaming you.

As Tacori said, I have the utmost respect for you because you didn't bring children into that home. I hope that you can feel at peace with your decision. You are a woman of great strength.

Housecat, thank you very much for this reply. You articulate many of the fears that I had about having children with this man. When I was reading about domestic violence to try to help that situation with my cousin, I read that sometimes children can copy the behavior. While my husband wasn't physically violent, the silent treatment was - well, the majority of my marriage was the silent treatment. Can you imagine bringing a child into that? I might have ended up with both a spouse and a child who refused to speak to me! Thank you for ridding me of the notion that one sane parent would have been enough. I think that, with a father like the child would have had, the effects on the child would have been multiple and hard to predict, but I know enough to realise that it would not have been good. Thank you so much for the common sense and the reminder.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Thanks to everyone who said they respect the fact that I didn't bring a child into a bad situation. Makes such a change from negative judgements that the world often makes on women without kids!

Of course, I'll never know if I did the right thing - and I have many moments where I think I should have just charged ahead regardless, like some others do who don't have the ideal partner - but on balance I thought it was too risky, and I was too cautious to have kids in anything other than a good situation.

It's just a pity, that's all.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

deleted

 

[coda72]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I can look this issue from both sides, as I waited until I was 40 until I decided to try and get pregnant. In my 30s I was enjoying life, and didn't really want to have kids. My husband and I travelled extensively, and were happy with just the two of us. We talked about retiring early. Right when I turned 40 though, I started thinking I would regret not having a child. So, we decided to try and have one, although I did not want to undergo fertility treatments if it didn't happen naturally.
I was very lucky to be able to conceive and had a baby girl at 41. I'm now 44 with an almost 3 year old, and now we're most likely going to sell our retirement home so we can send our child to a good school, and I have mixed feelings about this. I don't regret having a child, but obviously my life is completely different as a result. I love my little girl with all my heart and would never say to her that I wish I wouldn't have had her, but at the same time I wish I could do want I want and live where I want. I feel very selfish even writing this, but I'm putting my honest feelings out there.

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

But what is really hurtful has been how I have been slowly edged out of all of the friendships that I used to have. At first it was just a subtle assumption that my time was less valuable. That I should be the one to travel, be ok with last minute cancellations, or work my schedule around everyone else's because it's 'easier for me' as the one who doesn't have kids. Which I happily did. But then my friends slowly stopped making time for me because it was easier for them to maintain friendships with other women/couples who have children. There was no room for me in the midst of soccer meets, school assignments, play dates, or the busyness of life. My house is inconvenient to come to because I don't have a children's play area (or a handy playmate) - I know this and I freely admit it. But I've been told that it's too much trouble for me to come to them and visit while their children play in their own comfortable space because that "puts the burden of hosting on the person who has the least time to do it." Plus, "I wouldn't understand anyway" even if they did make time for me and wanted to talk about life. My love of being an aunt doesn't count in these circles. The fact that I actually (for the most part) enjoy their kids doesn't either. It's a sad message, really. Because this difficult and painful thing happened to me, I'm somehow less worthy of being a friend.

So for me, I would say that this is the real cost of not having children. Not really belonging anymore. Or at least not in the ways that I had assumed I would. I hear from my single friends that their couple friends do the same to them. Such is the apparent drive to be with others exactly like us... (ETA: before anyone gets too sad...please know that I made new friends! People who I love dearly and who love me. It just sucks sometimes that I felt that I had to).

What you said above *completely* recounts my experience too. I invested a ton of time into friendships, both here and outside of here, only to be excised from those friendships once they became moms and I wasn't. It was incredibly hurtful, and truthfully it still does sting me that my friendship and support wasn't valuable enough to overcome my choice not to have children.

I followed along as their kids had torticolis, eating issues, reflux issues, sleep regressions, breastfeeding struggles, and the whole gamut. For someone who's never had children, I know more about what happens during childbirth and the wide array of challenges the first years of life present than most non-parents should because I cared enough to really be vested in their experiences and offer support. In fact, I became so fluent that when we visited my friend's cousin and she mentioned a recent doctor visit and needing to keep her 3-month old son positioned so he'd look right, she was floored when I said "Oh, they concluded it's torticolis?" She couldn't believe I even knew what it was.

But, that genuine caring and support wasn't enough - all that mattered was that I wasn't a mom and I found myself suddenly on the other side of the 'no entrance' door to those friendships. Apparently, no other life experience matters if you aren't a parent, and non-parents need not apply.

I'm sorry this happened to you too. It's disappointing, especially from people you thought were capable of so much better.

 

[MJ_Mac]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

This has been a painful thread to read. My heart goes out to all of you due to circumstances and/or health issues that don't have children. I feel bad for the ones who are childless by choice who have been the brunt of rude and heartless comments. I too am childless but it's much too complicated to get into. I will say that when I was younger I didn't have the burning desire to have children that some women have, maybe because I knew my chances of conceiving were almost nil and that being pregnant could possibly jeopardize my health. I missed the window of adoption and as someone in this thread mentioned it can be expensive and can take years.

I have childless friends who have been through everything shared in this thread. All of you have expressed their struggles and mine so concisely. I remember when a former co-worker of mine actually got right into my face and asked point blank "Why don't you have kids, what's the problem?" She was about 6 inches from my face and wagging her finger at me. I remember the shock, the horror and the embarrassment of that situation. What I don't remember is how I answered. I know what I would say now if she were to ask me that same question .

So in answer to the question - yes, I'm okay with it but I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it once in a while. I can't go back so I don't dwell on it.