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Feeling awfully guilty about engagement ring...

Kensington

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2014
Messages
31
Bonfire|1484873496|4116732 said:
Goodness knows your feelings are your feelings. I think it's great that this opened a dialogue with you and your DH. It sounds like you both are in agreement on this going forward. That's what is important. You cleared the air about it, explained how you feel, he understands and told you how he feels. It's good that you can communicate openly with each other. You are laying a good foundation for your marriage. :wavey:

Thank you, Bonfire! You are so sweet, I really appreciate you dropping in again :)

It was very nice to clear the air. And it was especially nice to hear from everyone here. Talking through things (with both DH and you PS'ers!) really helped. The weight hasn't entirely been lifted, but it's a much lighter load to bear today :razz:
 

LLJsmom

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
12,633
Good for you for having a honest heart to heart with the hubby. Only good things can come from that. Kudos for recognizing how much your personal background and upbringing colors all your thoughts about money, spending etc. I come from an immigrant family that is exactly like that. Most members still are. My kids however are NOT!! So my take is you are relatively young and no kids, maybe never. BUT, if you ever do have some, and you spend hours in labor, give birth, nurse till your boobs feel like they will fall off, stay up all night, spend your hard earned money on lessons and clothes and toys and maybe private school and giving everything to your family, you might stop and go wait. What about me? That was my personal story. And the light bulb did not come on until I was 40 when my kids were 6 and 9. LOL! That's ok. I fully realize that may not be you. But if it is, you have a fabulous Tiffany engagement ring in the bank and you will then be mentally and emotionally ready and willing to wear it. Good luck girl. You've got a great DH. He's a keeper, and so is that gotta be blingtastic Tiffany engagement ring.
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
May 11, 2012
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9,786
How about you suggest to him that he or you or even better both of you buy a small simple diamond maybe something like a August Vintage stone or a new perfectly cut Antique style diamond from Victor Canera or a small perfectly cut modern round brilliant with hearts and arrows and put it into a simple, comfortable bezel and wear it and your band all the time, something that didn't cost that much that you can crash, bash, smash and it won't matter at all.

Perhaps when he sees you wearing something like this all the time, enjoying it because there is no guilt about how much money is tied up in it and no concern over losing it then he will soften to the point where you can sell your Engagement Ring or you can just keep it too and wear it for special occasions only like you do now. That would be what I would call best of both worlds.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Try to remember that this was a gift for you and you can enjoy it however you'd like. If having it safe in a bank makes you happiest, then that's not something to feel bad about. My first post to PS 10 years ago was about how I felt guilty about my ring. That was a LONG time ago--I no longer feel that way. I rarely wear my ring, but I love it. It was a wonderful gift from my loving husband and I'm extremely sentimental about it, but I don't need to wear it every day to appreciate it.

When I look at my ring I remember the night he proposed. I remember opening the tattered box that he'd been carrying around with him for months (long story). I remember what he said to me when he proposed. I remember our wedding vows. And the funny thing that I LOVE diamonds. I think they are beautiful. I love MY diamond, it's my favorite! But I just don't love wearing jewelry on a day-to-day basis. It's that simple, and that's not something to feel bad about.

I hope that in time you'll worry less about it and just enjoy your ring for the beautiful gift that it is--whether it's on or off your finger! Or find a solution that makes you (both) happy!
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,541
Kensington|1484859861|4116640 said:
Thank you for your thoughts, cmd!

You're right that guilt always stems from some sort of feeling of responsibility. While I didn't ask for an expensive ring, I also knew that DH wanted to get a Tiffany ring (he's one of those guys that always thought that was par for the course for proposing/getting engaged). I had suggested going non-Tiffany or even using an heirloom from my aunt, but he hadn't liked those options and when it came to the proposal/engagement, I really wanted to leave things up to him. I tend to be the more decisive (read: micro-managing) person in our relationship and this was one thing I wanted to stay out of and defer to him about. But now that the ring sits at the bank (and with hindsight being 20/20 and all), I think, "I should've kept trying to talk him out of it/kept insisting that he use the heirloom." Because at least that wouldn't have cost anything.

I am trying to think of it in the big picture and that over the course of our lives, it isn't that big a deal. And thinking about how it's not the ENTIRE amount wasted does help me feel much, much better.

Oh and my not wearing it doesn't have to do with price, it's just that a plain band is so easy and my style overall has shifted. My other jewelry also sits in the bank now, but those don't cause such guilty feelings (compared to the e-ring) because they're just not that valuable.

If it makes you feel better, I went the opposite route to you and I too have regrets. My DH wanted to spend $$$ on my ring. It was normal in his group of friends. I'm like you, I grew up with messages around frugality and responsible spending, and I was shocked by what he wanted to spend at the time. I insisted that we revise the budget to a fraction of what he was prepared to spend. And I got a ring that at the time felt appropriate to me (it's just under a half carat, set in a simple platinum cathedral style solitaire setting). Even then my family not so subtly made it known that they were concerned about how much had been spent on it at the expense of more practical things...

Fast forward 18 years. DH and I are now at very different ages and places in life. What seemed like an astronomical amount of money to me at the time doesn't seem like such a big deal now. What seemed 'appropriate' at the time, now seems a little...underwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I love my ring and wear it every single day (and have since the day he gave it to me). But now there are barriers to upgrading. Sentimental reasons (because this is the ring he gave me). Financial reasons (because now it would feel irresponsible to spend the money on a large jewelry purchase when it could go towards any number of more practical things). Also, there's a realization that when he gave me the ring, that was pretty much the last time that his money and my money were separate. So anything that large purchased now would need both of us to contribute to - and this means that it would no longer solely be his gift to me (which matters to him). Plus, the money that he had earmarked for the ring went to other things - none of which were significant. We didn't use the money towards a down payment for a house (we were too young and too transient to commit to one place until our careers were more established). We didn't invest it or put it into retirement savings. I can't honestly say what we spent it on.

So if I had to do it again, I'd let him have his way, and say thank you, and try not to let messages about money from my family color my feelings about it. I hope that some day you can do the same.
 
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