Anyone been through a divorce before? Seeking advice.

[ihy138]

Divorce is really hard, no matter what the reason. It really is like a death. My advice is to be kind to yourself. I think no one really knows how they will react until they are in the situation. I took time to heal after my divorce. It was the best thing I could do for myself and my child. I will say, being on the other side, I am SO glad I finally looked after ME. Some relationships do not work. I was with my ex for a LOOOONG time. I am so happy and feel like through the process I really got to know who I was. Something I never really focused on in my 20s. Best of luck. You can do this.

Thank you for this. I'm so happy that you've been able to move on and get to know (and LOVE!) yourself as a result. You're right. This is a loss I have to grieve. I'm grieving my future, the loss of friends that I don't doubt is coming, and the loss of our shared home. I think I am in the denial stage. It feels like a dream. I never thought about this happening to me, not in this relationship. Like you, I am a counselor (I remember that from your other posts). It's hard to put ourselves first sometimes, isn't it? We are so used to looking after others. I need to put myself first. Thanks!

 

[ihy138]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this.

My best advice is that you don't owe anyone an explanation.

No one knows what goes on inside a marriage aside from the people who are in it. Please are going to ask you ALL SORTS of questions. Some of which you won't want to answer, NONE of which you have to answer. REALLY. You can say, "I'm not going to discuss this."

Not, "I'm not going to discuss this NOW."

Not, "I'm not going to discuss this WITH YOU."

Not, "I'm not READY to discuss this."

NO.

"I'm not going to discuss this."

You can do whatever you want later, but in the moment that answer will give you distance and let you decide, on your own terms and in your own time, WHAT and WITH WHOM you want to discuss ANYTHING, IF EVER. And of course people will form their own opinions about what you *mean* ("Oh, she's so upset/hurt/insert-other-emotional-assumption-here that she's just not ready," or whatever) but the conversation should be shut down at that point (regardless of what that other person is thinking) and YOU can open it back up in the future ON YOUR TERMS and IF YOU WANT TO.

I know this sounds easy to say and tough to do, but trust me, it's not as bad as you might think to accomplish and IT WORKS.

My two cents -- take it for what it's worth!

Big hugs outgoing to you my friend!!!!!

I think the questions are what I dread the most. It's awkward, and people mean well but they can't read my mind or magically know what is going on. I can't talk about it yet without crying. I hate being vulnerable in front of people. I'm holding back from telling people until I feel confident I can talk about it in a strong way. Thanks for your empowering words. I will use this advice.

Scandinavian - Thank you so much! I lol'd when you called him a creep! It almost feels criminal to talk about my husband that way, but this is the man I chose. I appreciate your kindness. Whether the right guy exists or not, I know I'll be okay just by myself.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Divorce is really hard, no matter what the reason. It really is like a death. My advice is to be kind to yourself. I think no one really knows how they will react until they are in the situation. I took time to heal after my divorce. It was the best thing I could do for myself and my child. I will say, being on the other side, I am SO glad I finally looked after ME. Some relationships do not work. I was with my ex for a LOOOONG time. I am so happy and feel like through the process I really got to know who I was. Something I never really focused on in my 20s. Best of luck. You can do this.

Thank you for this. I'm so happy that you've been able to move on and get to know (and LOVE!) yourself as a result. You're right. This is a loss I have to grieve. I'm grieving my future, the loss of friends that I don't doubt is coming, and the loss of our shared home. I think I am in the denial stage. It feels like a dream. I never thought about this happening to me, not in this relationship. Like you, I am a counselor (I remember that from your other posts). It's hard to put ourselves first sometimes, isn't it? We are so used to looking after others. I need to put myself first. Thanks!

I am still bouncing around the five stages of grief but it does get easier and most the time I find myself in acceptance. I don't think we can usually predict these types of things. As you know, human beings are unpredictable. I remember I had an old co-worker that used to tell the patients, "if you want to catch a different fish you gotta change the bait." It was when I was building the courage to leave. It stuck with me and I knew I had to heal because there was no way I wanted to repeat my patterns of codependency. Just beside we are counselors doesn't mean we don't feel pain. Don't be ashamed to see someone to help you cope/grieve. I needed a few good sounding boards in my life. In the meantime we are hear. Sometimes we need people to help carry us until we are strong enough to walk on our own. (((hugs)))

 

[ihy138]

Hello Ihy,
I also want to take a moment and say also how sorry I am for you that you are going through this difficult time. I also wanted to let you know how brave you are and for the courage you have for stepping out and letting us know. This is the 1st step in many that you will have as you let others know of your situation.

Now that the holidays are upon us, you will need to even take more care of yourself as it will become obvious when you arrive without him at family gatherings or celebrations. I would encourage you to not move back with your parents since you have been living on your own (although for the last 3 years with him) and going back to live with your parents may become difficult as you settle into a new life. They may want to help you, but you may see it as intrusion or you may become co-dependent on them for emotional and financial support.(without evening realizing it! Like the frog in the slowing boiling water slowly and then the frog becomes cooked..) Perhaps consider living with your friend as then you can share expenses, have someone to do activities/events with, and slowly grow your life on your own terms.

The other thing I thought about is seeking financial support from your 'ex.' You let us know that you did not have shared accounts and your money was separate, however you did say ' I do feel I am owed something because of all the money that I put into our shared home and our lives together. Never mind what the wedding cost!'

Is he willing to give you money so you can start a new life? I wouldn't ask him like, 'Can I please have some money?' I would say, I would like $7000 (or whatever you think..) as I believe I contributed this amount in the past 3 years to our household expenses and the wedding costs. This money will be for me to begin my life as there are living expenses which I need to cover as well as expenses for debt we had in our marriage.

I think you should not leave until you receive that money and make sure he doesn't get to leave until you get that BANK CHECK (no personal checks!) Ask sooner than later and before the holidays!

I also want to let you know of this nonprofit organization: http://www.divorcecare.org/
From their website: 'DivorceCare seminars and support groups are led by people who understand what you are going through and want to help. You will learn how to heal from the deep hurt of divorce and discover hope for your future'

I found out about this group from a local organization where I live, but I have not attended. I hear that others I know found it to be helpful. There's also a 'Surviving the Holidays' seminar as well and you have to put in your zip to see if there is a seminar near you.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best--there's only one of you and you deserve the best life. You are special and I do care. I believe the responses you have already receive is because we all care.

<3 C4C

Thank you, C4C. I had no idea about that website. I'm looking at it now and there are actually meetings near me! I'm excited to learn more about this. I agree that the holidays are going to be challenging. I may make a deal with him to come to all the functions with me and I'll go to his so we don't have to have the conversation with our families until afterward. That would be my preference, but I don't know how healthy this is to still be in each other's lives. I'm dreading the conversations with family, and I'd do anything to delay them for a year. I know my parents will be supportive. I just hate to think of breaking their hearts.

Thanks also for your advice about money. I am going to think really hard and try to think of a fair figure to ask him for. I'm sure he'd rather do that then go through a lot of litigation, etc. I am thinking of friends to ask who might be looking for a roommate. Many of them are partnered up and probably don't want a third wheel such as myself! I'm very particular about how I keep my home, so I'm not easy to live with and I think I might make a roommate miserable. I know I won't be homeless, and for that I am grateful. Thanks for your kind words of support.

 

[cmd2014]

I agree that the holidays are going to be challenging. I may make a deal with him to come to all the functions with me and I'll go to his so we don't have to have the conversation with our families until afterward. That would be my preference, but I don't know how healthy this is to still be in each other's lives. I'm dreading the conversations with family, and I'd do anything to delay them for a year. I know my parents will be supportive. I just hate to think of breaking their hearts.

Ihy,

This is happening to YOU, not your family. You do not need to 'protect' them from your pain, and to do so robs you from accessing support and mobilizing your resources. The person causing everyone pain is him, not you. Plus, engaging in a holiday sham is just a bad idea for eveyone concerned. I think if you think about it a bit, you'll agree. It's best not to pretend to be a couple when you aren't. It's too easy to either slip into denial or to feel totally isolated in your pain and the great big lie that you'd be telling everyone who should be supporting you.

I wish you all the best in moving forward. This is painful now, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find happiness in your new future. Your best years are still ahead. They always are!

 

[lovedogs]

Ihy,

This is happening to YOU, not your family. You do not need to 'protect' them from your pain, and to do so robs you from accessing support and mobilizing your resources. The person causing everyone pain is him, not you. Plus, engaging in a holiday sham is just a bad idea for eveyone concerned. I think if you think about it a bit, you'll agree. It's best not to pretend to be a couple when you aren't. It's too easy to either slip into denial or to feel totally isolated in your pain and the great big lie that you'd be telling everyone who should be supporting you.

I wish you all the best in moving forward. This is painful now, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find happiness in your new future. Your best years are still ahead. They always are!

I cannot tell you how much I resonate with the bolded part of this. I am also in the mental health field, and it's funny how many of us have difficulty with self-care. It doesn't even occur to me to treat others like I would treat myself. One of the things I've learned through my own therapy journey is that if I'm ever not sure that I'm treating myself well, I should ask, "what would I say to a friend talking to me about this?" I think that you (Ihy) would tell that friend/client that he or she ISN'T RESPONSIBLE for anyone else's pain, and it's time to put their own needs first! You would tell that person that this is the time to lean on others rather than being the strong/stable one who takes care of everyone else. This is one of the moments in life where it's not only "ok", but NECESSARY for you to put yourself first. You owe it to yourself, and people who love you will be supportive. And if for some reason anyone isn't, I'll happily come to whatever city you are in and yell at them for you

 

[katharath]

ihy138 - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you'll take the good advice that I've seen here and care for YOU.

 

[ihy138]

I agree that the holidays are going to be challenging. I may make a deal with him to come to all the functions with me and I'll go to his so we don't have to have the conversation with our families until afterward. That would be my preference, but I don't know how healthy this is to still be in each other's lives. I'm dreading the conversations with family, and I'd do anything to delay them for a year. I know my parents will be supportive. I just hate to think of breaking their hearts.

Ihy,

This is happening to YOU, not your family. You do not need to 'protect' them from your pain, and to do so robs you from accessing support and mobilizing your resources. The person causing everyone pain is him, not you. Plus, engaging in a holiday sham is just a bad idea for eveyone concerned. I think if you think about it a bit, you'll agree. It's best not to pretend to be a couple when you aren't. It's too easy to either slip into denial or to feel totally isolated in your pain and the great big lie that you'd be telling everyone who should be supporting you.

I wish you all the best in moving forward. This is painful now, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find happiness in your new future. Your best years are still ahead. They always are!

cmd - Thank you. You're right. I'm dealing with this all on my own and I think it's because I'm afraid of the shame and feeling embarrassed. Other people will judge, but they do anyway. I feel the need to say "HE cheated on ME" to everyone just to make it seem like this is not my fault. But I'm also a private person and I don't like talking about my business. But that means that I won't get any support either. I hear what you are saying about the holiday charade. It might not be in our best interests to celebrate separately. I'm just prolonging the inevitable.

 

[CJ2008]

hi ihy

I don't have any advice really but I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I can imagine it must be very painful. and so many other things.

Take care of yourself and come here as often as you need for support, to vent, for whatever you need.

 

[ihy138]

Ihy,

This is happening to YOU, not your family. You do not need to 'protect' them from your pain, and to do so robs you from accessing support and mobilizing your resources. The person causing everyone pain is him, not you. Plus, engaging in a holiday sham is just a bad idea for eveyone concerned. I think if you think about it a bit, you'll agree. It's best not to pretend to be a couple when you aren't. It's too easy to either slip into denial or to feel totally isolated in your pain and the great big lie that you'd be telling everyone who should be supporting you.

I wish you all the best in moving forward. This is painful now, but you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find happiness in your new future. Your best years are still ahead. They always are!

I cannot tell you how much I resonate with the bolded part of this. I am also in the mental health field, and it's funny how many of us have difficulty with self-care. It doesn't even occur to me to treat others like I would treat myself. One of the things I've learned through my own therapy journey is that if I'm ever not sure that I'm treating myself well, I should ask, "what would I say to a friend talking to me about this?" I think that you (Ihy) would tell that friend/client that he or she ISN'T RESPONSIBLE for anyone else's pain, and it's time to put their own needs first! You would tell that person that this is the time to lean on others rather than being the strong/stable one who takes care of everyone else. This is one of the moments in life where it's not only "ok", but NECESSARY for you to put yourself first. You owe it to yourself, and people who love you will be supportive. And if for some reason anyone isn't, I'll happily come to whatever city you are in and yell at them for you

You are too sweet! I imagine that my friends and family will be very supportive, but I appreciate your offers of supportive yelling. I have A LOT of trouble asking for help. I think it's a curse for people like us in the helping professions. I hate being vulnerable, but I encourage people to do it all the time. I need to start practicing what I preach to others. Thank you for that reminder.

 

[ihy138]

katharath and CJ2008 - thank you both for your comforting words. They mean so much to me.

 

[appletini]

first of all *hugs*

second I echo NEL with the Dr. Willard Harley books. They really helped my husband and I get through a rough patch. Things didn't improve overnight but looking back we have made a lot of progress (we both read them). Even if you decide to get divorced, IMHO the books will be a good read for your future relationships too.

 

[ihy138]

first of all *hugs*

second I echo NEL with the Dr. Willard Harley books. They really helped my husband and I get through a rough patch. Things didn't improve overnight but looking back we have made a lot of progress (we both read them). Even if you decide to get divorced, IMHO the books will be a good read for your future relationships too.

Thanks for your advice! Do you recommend a particular book that you found helpful? I saw that he has a few of them. Thanks again!

 

[azstonie]

Hugs and encouragement to you, ihy.

I got divorced at age 35 after 2 years of under-the-same-roof and 1 year of me and my lawyer trying to get a very simple divorce accomplished only to be met with lots of "I lost it" "I forgot to show up" "Huh?" kinds of mayhem from my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I hope to not offend you below. I'm going to do for you what my friends did for me when I was a very similar position with my very similar husband.
**************************************

He is done with you as his wife. He is past the point of closure, even.

He has considered this for a long period of time and he has closure on being done with your marriage. He went to counseling in a hope that the counselor would take you off his hands in terms of bringing you to reality on this. He doesn't want to be a bad guy even though he sure as hell is. He was at minimum unfaithful emotionally and you have no idea if he has been unfaithful to you sexually. You only know about *this* woman. There well may have been others. That doesn't matter, because ONE affair is enough to show you that you are married to a cheater. Cheaters lack integrity. They are narcissists. You were married and unless you two had an agreement for an 'open' marriage he lied to you and was unfaithful. Make no mistake, he could have asked you for a separation while he pursued his relationship with this other woman/other women. THat would have shown some character and integrity and he would have SHOWN YOU SOME RESPECT AS HIS WIFE to have not lied to you about this. He did not. He enjoyed the sneaking around and the lying and so did she. What a rush, right? DIrty sneaky sex is better to some people. They had a secret that you were not apprised of. On some level, he has no respect or affection for you. He has done this at least once that you know of, he is going to do it again in the future no matter WHO he is married to. Cheaters are cheaters because they get something they need out of that dynamic. You are 28 years old, a cool person (I know this because I've seen your posts here and when I bought the sapphire ring from you/our emails) and YOU DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING MARRIED TO A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND THE EXPOSURE THAT THIS BROUGHT/BRINGS TO YOU.

You are not parents so it is not necessary for him to preserve a co-parenting type of relationship although you feel that he will allow joint custody or visitation of the dog.

He doesn't have the balls to make a clean break with you; in fact, HE wants YOU or your counselor to handle that for him! What a chump. "Ihy, I want a divorce. You've been a good wife to me but I want out of our marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with you "

He could have gone that route. He did not.

If you have not established your own checking account and credit DO IT RIGHT NOW. Take what is yours out of the checking account, hell take his too, let him get a loan from his mistress if he needs money. Buy a car if you need one. Get your own housing happening---my advice is not to stay in the marital abode any longer than is necessary: Fresh start. Decorate the way YOU like it. YOU/YOU/YOU now. Get a lawyer PRONTO and get the divorce going.

BTW< he's been planning this for quite some time. Advise your lawyer to look for hidden assets/cash.

Enjoy your friends who are supportive, plan some small trips and fun events, always be anticipating something in your free time no matter how small, a movie, a meal out at a new place, a little retail therapy, whatever brings you a smile. I scheduled time to cry so I did not cry at work. Once your allotted cry time is over, get active with something be it exercise, a book, etc.

Azstonie - You did not offend me at all. I really needed to hear a lot of that. I'm sorry you went through divorce as well, but I'm so happy to hear your life changed for the better. I think you're right, that he doesn't have the balls to break it off. Even after he came to me and said we should go separate ways, he has since come back and said he's not sure. We have all of our money separate, so I don't have access to his and he doesn't to mine. I'm grateful for that. I might have otherwise been tempted to clean him out in a moment of pettiness. I'm also grateful to have a job that I can support myself, my own car, pay my bills, etc. I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if we were truly intertwined. Maybe that was part of the problem to begin with.

Same situation for me, ihy, in terms of him not making the clean break. As months of that BS rolled by, I had a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious): "I don't know what I want" means "I want to keep things cushie for me while my girlfriend decides what she's going to do."

I rented a condo in the nicest place in town with a coworker to share expenses. Life was good, not having to live with the me-me-me-oh-dear-who-shall-I-choose BS which was all DuH could talk about. I had an active social life, lots of dates, and more invites to things because I found out people didn't much like my DuH Got a good lawyer and got the divorce going. 24 hours before I moved out of the marital home, DuH was doing his usual BS and at that moment I was done with it and I told him "I'm making this easy for you---*I'm* leaving *you.* I'm moving out tomorrow so don't be here. I've already met with a lawyer and the papers have been ready for weeks. Knock yourself out with the ladies!"

I met my husband, now of 21 years, at work. Got a second master's degree. Had 3 promotions at work in the year it took to get him into court, I was worried he might try for alimony but I found hidden money so he was focused on wriggling out from under that.

Thank GOD my philandering, character-deficient DuH tired of me early in (2 years) because my REAL life was launched the day I walked and let the door slam behind me

We were both married to our husbands, they just weren't married to us. As the weeks go by, you'll start sleeping well, you'll smile more than cry/feel sad, and you're going to meet some nice men who remind you of what it is to be the object of someone's love, desire and whole-hearted respect.

YOU GO, GIRLFRIEND!

 

[LadyBlue]

I went almost for the same situation. I got married at 25 and at 28 my then husband asked my for a divorced. It was very surprising for me, just a couple month before that on Valentine days he gave me a letter saying a was the love of his life. After 2 weeks that he had leaved me I found out that he was "starting" a relationship with a coworker. He was probably involved before, i just will never know.

We lived in a very expensive city so I had to move back with my parents in a different country. I lost all my dreams, hopes (we were TTC for over a year), I lose my job, all my friends, my furniture (because I could not bring it with me). I cried a single day for over a year. I was in counseling for a year as well. It took me over two years to start feeling well.

Now I am 33 and I am getting married in a week. You will get better, not now, not soon. But one day you will forgive him and you will be able to look back with out start crying.

Hugs!!


Enviado desde mi iPhone utilizando Tapatalk

 

[ihy138]

Same situation for me, ihy, in terms of him not making the clean break. As months of that BS rolled by, I had a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious): "I don't know what I want" means "I want to keep things cushie for me while my girlfriend decides what she's going to do."

I rented a condo in the nicest place in town with a coworker to share expenses. Life was good, not having to live with the me-me-me-oh-dear-who-shall-I-choose BS which was all DuH could talk about. I had an active social life, lots of dates, and more invites to things because I found out people didn't much like my DuH Got a good lawyer and got the divorce going. 24 hours before I moved out of the marital home, DuH was doing his usual BS and at that moment I was done with it and I told him "I'm making this easy for you---*I'm* leaving *you.* I'm moving out tomorrow so don't be here. I've already met with a lawyer and the papers have been ready for weeks. Knock yourself out with the ladies!"

I met my husband, now of 21 years, at work. Got a second master's degree. Had 3 promotions at work in the year it took to get him into court, I was worried he might try for alimony but I found hidden money so he was focused on wriggling out from under that.

Thank GOD my philandering, character-deficient DuH tired of me early in (2 years) because my REAL life was launched the day I walked and let the door slam behind me

We were both married to our husbands, they just weren't married to us. As the weeks go by, you'll start sleeping well, you'll smile more than cry/feel sad, and you're going to meet some nice men who remind you of what it is to be the object of someone's love, desire and whole-hearted respect.

YOU GO, GIRLFRIEND!

The bolded part really hit me. That's the most painful part, I think. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a really, really strong woman. I can tell just by reading this. And I'm so happy that you got the life you deserve. You actually got me a little excited to think about what life could potentially be for me - I'd like to go back to school and get into some new hobbies, spend time with friends. The thought of dating again makes me cringe. I'm going to talk to a lawyer. I think that's best, and your story helped me see that. THANK YOU!!

 

[ihy138]

I went almost for the same situation. I got married at 25 and at 28 my then husband asked my for a divorced. It was very surprising for me, just a couple month before that on Valentine days he gave me a letter saying a was the love of his life. After 2 weeks that he had leaved me I found out that he was "starting" a relationship with a coworker. He was probably involved before, i just will never know.

We lived in a very expensive city so I had to move back with my parents in a different country. I lost all my dreams, hopes (we were TTC for over a year), I lose my job, all my friends, my furniture (because I could not bring it with me). I cried a single day for over a year. I was in counseling for a year as well. It took me over two years to start feeling well.

Now I am 33 and I am getting married in a week. You will get better, not now, not soon. But one day you will forgive him and you will be able to look back with out start crying.

Hugs!!


Enviado desde mi iPhone utilizando Tapatalk

LadyBlue, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I appreciate you sharing your story. It must have been a very difficult experience, but to hear that you are getting married soon warms my heart. Thank you for your kind words. I know this will get easier someday, but I just want to be there now. If only we could skip the hard stuff!

 

[ihy138]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hugs
Glad you will follow up with her.. She sounds great., Keep seeing her, she's going to make this transition less hurtful to you... And all of us here, well we are here for you.... You are not alone!! xo

 

[katharath]

Wonderful about your therapist!! You're getting to where you need to be, slowly but surely. It will take time. Just hang in there and look out for your best interests. It will be an adjustment, but you can do it.

 

[Joel21]

I've always blamed myself for some of the breakups that I've had in my life. Of course it's not the same as divorce, but I think the best way to move forward is to learn to forgive yourself first, and then your partner.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

I totally relate. I'm going through a very challenging separation, and without sharing too much detail at his urging we went to counselor. He was not able to continue with it (enough said on that) but I continue to see her for solo sessions. She's helped me make sense of what exactly the hell happened to my marriage, what my role was/wasn't in its end, and how I am moving forward.

I had to take the reigns split wise and basically just told him what I was going to do, and worked out a compromise on some of the bigger points. I know he's angry and I don't expect that to get better anytime soon, but I at least have a clear vision of what my future can be now and YOU WILL TOO!

 

[Begonia]

I don't have any advice beyond what others have given you, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you through this difficult time.
It doesn't make much sense to you right now, but later the clarity will come.
Take good care of yourself - eat well, exercise and sleep as much as possible.
Big hug dear girl.

Begonia

 

[junebug17]

Ihy138, you have already received really good advice and I don't have much to add to it but I wanted to offer my support so my post will echo Begonia's - I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult thing and I'm sending lots of comforting thoughts and support to you. You are the same age as my daughter so I have a soft spot for you and what you're experiencing. I know things seem very bleak right now and you are really hurting but please remember you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You probably don't feel very strong right now but believe me, you are a lot stronger than you think. You will make it through this. You will be happy again. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and do what's best for you. Please reach out to friends and family for support, and we are here for you too whenever you need us. ((((HUGS))))

 

[minousbijoux]

We were both married to our husbands, they just weren't married to us. As the weeks go by, you'll start sleeping well, you'll smile more than cry/feel sad, and you're going to meet some nice men who remind you of what it is to be the object of someone's love, desire and whole-hearted respect.

YOU GO, GIRLFRIEND!

I love this and from my own experience, couldn't agree more!

 

[iwantsparkle]

I want to say - I think you are handling this all quite well.

I didn't read all of the responses, but I agree that this is like a death.

Short version of my drama: I was with my exH from about 21-31. He cheated. Denied it and lied about it. I was desperate to make things work. But so very angry, so it was impossible. He dropped me off for work one day and left town. Because he was such a coward. I was devastated. Just as I was starting to move on, he reached out to tell me he wanted to be back together. I foolishly agreed. And then he disappeared again. I reached out via email and apparently his new fiance didn't like that. And that was that.

EDIT: This wasn't the woman he cheated on me with. He had apparently fast-tracked a new wife.

I was so grief stricken and confused. I had never really been alone, either. It was a shock in so many ways, big and small.

I can remember it being 5:00 on Friday and I would tear up walking to my car after work. The weekend seemed so long and hollow.
My best friends weren't local and I didn't have a family support system. Dark times, man.

Fast forward almost five years and I am so glad, SO RELIEVED that he left.

My only regrets are that I didn't leave him after he cheated. And that I didn't keep any composure during that drama-filled time.
I cringe at how desperate I acted. Never again.

I wasn't ready to date for awhile. I took that time to learn to live alone and to do things I'd always wanted. Even small stuff like - I didn't know how to properly swim - so I took some lessons. Stuff like that. Just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Oddly, I never felt failure. But I have heard that a lot from others. You can't do it alone. If someone else is a dud, then how could you have made it work?

I wish you all the best. If you are feeling low, just remember that this is a season and you won't feel this way forever.

EDIT: Oh, and I got my master's degree during this time. It was a push I needed. If you want to get a doctorate - go for it!

 

[azstonie]

Its my experience, and that of my friends, family members, coworkers, gym buddies, ETC., that men don't leave until they have the next woman lined up and ready to go. If the guy is wishy washy with their wife about whether or not they want to stay in the marriage, its because the girlfriend has not fully committed yet, so bets are being hedged and comfort ensured until the man is DOUBLE DOG CERTAIN he's got the next one ready to take care of him.

I was sure my ex-husband had not cheated. He would NEVER do that to me. No way. Sure, he might decide he wanted to change his life including me but he would NEVER be unfaithful, he'd tell me the truth first. I would have bet my life on that.

And then the waffling and wishy washy stuff started up---"I love you but I don't know how much I love you, its not the same as when we first started dating," "I don't know if I even want to be married," "I'm so confused." Ad nauseum for months. I asked around and sure enough, it was a coworker of his. I sat in the parking lot of their office and watched their body language and I knew then. I talked with the coworker's husband and he had no idea of what was going on. I was sorry to raise the topic for him but it was kinda funny because coworker and her husband WORKED IT OUT and stayed together and my soon-to-be-ex was left without a wife or girlfriend, waaaaa! and had a divorce action pending in court to deal with too, plus DuH needed some financial assistance paying all this monthly bills without my income added in (I found a scratchpad where DuH listed all his bills and his income WITHOUT MINE, he was going to need some help paying the cable TV and electric bill).

So to sum up, if your husband or boyfriend is waffling about you/the relationship, its only because all his plans aren't yet fully in place. He'll keep ya around for his convenience and comfort until all his ducks are in a row.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

He's a classic cake-eater (he likes having his cake and eating it, too). He likes that you're meeting some needs and she's meeting others...he'd prefer not to give either of you up. It will stay like this forever until you change it. And by keeping his affair a secret, it allows him to spin the story to your friends. He'll say neither of you were happy for a long time, the marriage just wasn't working, etc. etc. All lies to make him look better. And will leave the door open for him to introduce the new woman without the stigma of her being the homewrecker that she is.

 

[liaerfbv]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

He's a classic cake-eater (he likes having his cake and eating it, too). He likes that you're meeting some needs and she's meeting others...he'd prefer not to give either of you up. It will stay like this forever until you change it. And by keeping his affair a secret, it allows him to spin the story to your friends. He'll say neither of you were happy for a long time, the marriage just wasn't working, etc. etc. All lies to make him look better. And will leave the door open for him to introduce the new woman without the stigma of her being the homewrecker that she is.

The bolded really rubbed me the wrong way. It puts the blame of the affair on the woman and not the one breaking the wedding vows. Her husband is the homewrecker here.

 

[ihy138]

Thank you Kaleigh and katharath. I do feel that I am moving in the right direction. It's hard when you're living in the same place. I really am grateful for and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support that I have received here at PS. It made me feel so much less alone.