Not sure what this means

[Blue824]

So as it says in my little intro, my bf and I have been doing long distance for the past year, after dating at college for two and a half years...neither of us knew what to do after graduation except I knew there was noooo way in hell i''d be staying in DC! nor was it a realtionship we were going to just end. This past Oct/Nov was when we started the engagement talks and sort of figured out our timelines, which led me to PS to start doing some research!

We just passed that one year long distance mark and found out that he was accepted into a MA/PhD program in Chicago! So he moves here in August and I''m pretty happy and excited! But then there is this whole wave of other emotions I wasn''t expecting. I mean, this is what we''ve been working toward the entire year, and now I''m just all like "what if he moves here for me and we break up?" and other "what if" questions and I seem to alternate between pure excitement and worry and negativity that its not going to work out. This year has been extremely hard on us, me especially, and now there is some damage to repair...I have a tendency to push everything away that can hurt me, and doing long distance hurt me, so there are some things i have to overcome when he is with me all the time again. and then its the whole integration to my family and he has no friends here and just all these things keep running through my mind that can go wrong. I''m not in any rush for engagement, now especially since we definitely need to work through some issues that developed over the year.

Obviously there are tons of details I''ve excluded, and I hope what I wrote makes sense...I feel that now I know he''s coming here I should be 100% excited and not have these other worries, but I do. Is that weird? normal? a sign???

I''ve shared my concerns with him, been totally upfront. He says he can''t wait to come and work on rebuilding everything to where it was. My friends think I''m absolutely ridiculous for even thinking that. Anyway, so I just feel what should be totally happy and exciting has become almost stressful to me! So I just needed to get that all out at once, because I don''t think I''ve been able to verbalize all of that to any of my friends and they''ve never done long distance so it can be hard for them to relate. For them long distance is when they''re on seperate vacations

 

[ammayernyc]

Everything you''re feeling is perfectly normal!
A year is a long time -- especially in relationship time. It''s a definite adjustment to go from not seeing someone to seeing them a lot.
It''s good that you''re upfront with him. Keep that part up!
Don''t make any decisions about the relationship until you''ve had time to get used to him being there with you. Then you''ll know your feeling are real instead of just insecurities.
Good luck!

 

[Munchkin]

If it's abnormal, then I'm in big trouble!

I am in a similar situation. We have been together for six years, (also since college). We have been long-distance for the past FOUR years. (can you tell that it is a touchy subject for me?

) This August/September we will finally be living near one another. A few months ago I actually told him we had to step back and analyze our relationship, because I didn't want him to move/leave his job for us to just break-up. I was terrified that by finally living near one another we would systematically stifle our relationship.

I am still worried about it. What I keep coming back to, however, is that I would never want to look back and say "I wonder how things would have worked if we weren't long distance?" I don't want regrets. I want to give this thing my all. Further, I am willing to say good-bye to feeling lonely, having to sort out all our problems over the phone, our inability to be spontaneous and only seeing his face two weekends a month.

I've come to the conclusion that this being "in limbo" and feeling like I've had a "phone boyfriend" for four years is probably not better than finding out for certain if we can be together forever. I would rather be sure than spend any more time saying "hopefully."

Wow. That was kind of cathartic! Obviously, I don't have any answers. I can assure you that you are not alone. Feel free to vent to me!

Munchkin

 

[Croí]

hi Blue
*HUGS* for you hon.

first of all, I have learned from experience that the Universe is pretty impartial - it can give you roses or horses**t - and a lot of that depends on YOU and the energy you put in. pagans believe that all you "put out" comes back to you tri-fold and I try to keep that in mind.

I have never done the long-distance thing, I very much doubt that I could and I admire you and your bf for managing it for a year. I think that, in itself, says a lot. I think if you honestly sat down and wrote out the pro''s and con''s about having him with you (as opposed to far away) you might find the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff.

For one thing, I think a lot of what you are worried about you should try to consciously let go of because the simple truth is that most of it falls into the category of "unknown" and you can only cross those bridges when you reach them. He may get on great with your friends and make new friends in school who will become friends of both of you etc. etc. I think it''s totally normal to be nervous simply because this is a HUGE step but don''t start self-sabotaging things before they have even begun.

I know of which I speak, I used to be like that and always seemed unable to see the good without seeing the ''but what if ?'' scenarios. Now I make a conscious effort (because those "what if''s ?" still come up) to put the doubt and negative things aside and REALLY concentrate on the great stuff. It will be what you two MAKE it and from what you have said you two have a great open communication and his response to your fears has been to reassure you that he cannot wait to begin to get things back to being great between you two and I honestly don''t think you can ask for more than that.

Question WHY you are questioning and doubting ........ is it all just unbased nerves and ''normal'' jitters and fears or is there something more to it ?? Did something happen in the past year that has made you doubt (maybe so deeply that you are hardly even really acknowledging it yourself ?) that you two have a future ??

Only you have the answers but I know that when one expects things to go badly, often that''s exactly how the cookie will crumble when the time comes.

What do you want in this ? Does it make you happy to think of him being there with you 24/7 ?? Which feelings dominate ? The happy ones or the nervous ones ?? These are all questions you have to ask.

Then you can ask my two favourite, best and most effective, question of self.

Am I doing/reacting/being from a place of love ?

OR

Am I doing/reacting/being from a place of fear ?

Anything motivated by fear tends to not have the best ending ........ overcome your fear and ''operate'' from a place of love and THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER !

btw, I am really speaking from experience. After my horrible previous relationship experience, I really did (subconsciously) sabotage things with Peter and I in the early days. I was not a nice person to him sometimes and I used to look for pitfalls and faults and cracks in the armour. Truth was I was scared. Finally though I just gave myself a kick in the arse and said "you big eejit, this is an amazing man and he''s putting up with all your crap and he wouldn''t do that if he didn''t seriously want a relationship" so I tried to trust in everything more and in him more and in what he said and how he felt etc. etc. and the better I got at that, the better things were for us and now I''m DELIRIOUSLY HAPPILY MARRIED and I honestly can say that I may never have got here if I had not made a real concerted effort to change MY outlook and MY approach.

Try to get to the WHY of all you are feeling - then maybe you''ll find some answers.

Wishing you all the luck in the world and "here" for you ....

C

 

[Erin]

make a conscious effort (because those ''what if''s ?'' still come up) to put the doubt and negative things aside and REALLY concentrate on the great stuff. It will be what you two MAKE it

I completely agree with Croi

 

[JCJD]

I know EXACTLY how you''re feeling! FH and I were long distance for 4 years while I was at college (7hr drive apart), and during the school year, we only saw each other once every 10 weeks. We got to spend winter vacation, spring break, and summer in the same city together, but it still felt like long-distance somehow. After I graduated, I decided to go to grad school, and the advisor I wanted to work with was at BF''s college! Score!! But it took us a while to get used to being in the same city again. We had dated for almost 2 years before going l-d, but we were both REALLY young then and not very serious, so in a sense, we''ve "only" been dating l-d. We grew a lot as a couple in that year I was back in town. It helped solidify our sense of togetherness and how we communicate with each other. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it helped us both really know that s/he was The One and that we could do this relationship thing together. We had to work through our own issues as well, but doing so has made us stronger. And it was really nice being able to drive only 15 mins to see him! So, don''t worry that this is a "sign" or anything like that. L-D is a very strange thing... it can, IMO, make or break a relationship. My freshman year RA told me once that she could tell immediately which girls in our dorm were going to stay with their L-D bf''s and which ones weren''t. If I were you, I''d take it as a good sign that your friends think you''re crazy for worrying! They can see more than you do about your relationship. Also, you both know there are issues you two need to work through and you''re willing to actually work on them, not just push them aside - that''s great! So don''t worry and put that energy into working on your relationship!

 

[Matata]

Nice post Croi. Your perspective extremely refreshing and uplifting.

 

[blueroses]

Blue, your anxiety isn''t anything out of the ordinary for your situation, and I think it really just speaks to how MUCH you love your BF and value the relationship--especially if you tend to box up or keep at bay emotions that hurt you.

Distance sucks. My bf and I have been long-distance for extended periods 3 times in our relationship (it probably adds up to over a third of the 8.5 years.) It is HARD and when one moves for the other--or at least TO the other--who''s more established, as it will be for your bf joining you in Chicago, I think it''s normal to have some worry about getting "you" back as a couple to where you were, as well as fitting him into your life there that you''ve built up without him. There WILL be some growing pains as you settle into your life together in Chicago, (and there will be moments where you''ll probably second guess yourself) but, at least in my experience which is certainly flawed, this is par for the course and it WILL turn out all right!!

As usual, Croi is full of wisdom--I think what she said about feeling through the motivations of your feelings (love vs. fear) about this is so true.

Are you afraid that it won''t be perfect, or are you afraid that it won''t be?

(((HUGS)))

 

[MelissaSue]

FI and I started out long distance.. away at school.. for about 6 months.. which was fine.. . then had a long wonderful summer together and then went back long distance for another semester.. That second long distance was the HARDEST time in our relationship by far.. I didn''t think we were going to make it through.. Because we were SO serious about each other.. so in love.. but we couldn''t spend time together. There were other things going on too Mostly.. us getting sooo serious.. and me getting a little scared! We were talking about getting engaged at that point.. and I''m so glad that we didn''t.. because I don''t think we would still be together today if that had happened. I just had so many doubts at the point.. I ended up moving back home after that semester and things got back to normal.. and then two years later we finally got engaged!
I''m not sure what the point of this is.. but I guess just that its natural to have doubts about relationships.. especially in periods of change. I''m sure that once you guys are together again.. everything will be wonderful!

 

[Blue824]

I stayed away from my post until this morning because after getting it out, I definitely needed some time off from thinking about it...I wanted to thank you so much for just making me feel normal! Its rough when the people around you have not experienced a similar situation and therefore, do not understand all of the emotions related to it. I knew someone here would be able to help!

Croi -- I spent a lot of time just thinking about the questions you posed. I know it is just nerves...nerves & unfounded fears, so you''re right, I need to focus on the positivies, not the "what ifs." The problem was, that maybe my original concerns were normal, but then I built it up into a huge thing worrying about if my concerns were normal. It really got to the point where these thoughts were overwhelming me. They started with a tiny what if a couple weeks ago, and then just manifested into a monster! I let myself worry and worry instead of focusing on the excitement. If I let these nerves prevent him from coming here, I would probably be haunted by a regret. We are so happy when we are together, and when I''m not off worrying, there''s no doubt in my mind that I can''t wait for him to be here.

Munchkin & JCJD -- you two are amazing for making it through 4 years of long distance. Like, I really am in awe. I constantly think about how difficult this past year has been, and how much we have been though. It has given us a different understanding of each other...how we react to situations, helped us communicate even better than before, and after surviving I can''t help but think that will only make us stronger when we''re together. Munchkin, I have the same feelings of "limbo" and I can''t wait for that to end. Looks like we''ll be finishing up this ld stuff around the same time too, so I''d like to extend the same offer to you - if you need help making it through the final stretch, feel free to talk to me!

I can''t wait for things to be back to normal, or the new normal we''ll create.

Thank you so much to everyone who responded! Thank you for reassuring me that these feelings are normal, for listening and for giving me advice for dealing and deciphering these emotions. Your help is priceless, and I don''t know how to truly convey how much better you made me feel....Once again, the LIW (both current & former) have done it again with their awesome advice!

 

[JCJD]

Just remember this: Worry is undue concern for things we have no control over. I am a total worrywort, and this quote has helped me to stop. It''s a waste of energy, pure and simple. Focus instead on how to tackle the problem at hand!

 

[perry]

Blue...

Hold am image of the life you want, and that image will become fact.

That does not mean that you will not have to work on it or that there won''t be roughspots.

In the end, relationships prosper because of a deep committment to working through issues.

Oh, and I understand your comment about pushing people away at times. Me too. Hopefully I have grown past that on most things now.

I am sure that things will work out if both of you want it to.

Perry

 

[elephant]

Blue -- I really understand how you feel. My bf was deployed overseas for six months and we could only communicate via email and occassionally phone. And right before he came home, I was extremely nervous for all the reasons that you mentioned: what if we did this and waited for each other and it turns out horribly? I wasn''t sleeping -- it was just plain awful. And while I would like to say, everything was fine and we had a fairytale ending, that''s just not the way it was, unfortunately. Those months after he came home were very difficult for me. I definitely alternated between wanting to leave and wanting to stay. Things had changed, I had been changed by the experience and so had he. Things are GREAT now, but it took a long to get that way and things still aren''t perfect (although, when ARE they anyway?

).

I think that the thing you have to focus on is that you love this man and that you can work through anything. With every relationship comes change and with change can sometimes come some turbulence. But, the important thing is that you have to remind yourself that you are committed to working this out to the fullest extent and it sounds like to me that he is as well. Feel free to PM me if needed.

Some suggestions that I would have is to try to just normalize things. I''m an overanalyzer and one day I had been overanalyzing things with my bf (as usual) and he just said: why don''t you stop talking about these things and let''s just have a normal relationship. I was sort of shocked -- while I thought that I was just communicating, I realized that I was just stressing verbally. And while I can''t stress the importance of excellent communication, my advice to you is to just let things unravel as they may and not to overthink things! (That''s REALLY difficult for me!) I guess what I''m trying to say is that you should tell him your concerns, but don''t let them overwhelm your relationship.

Good luck to you and your bf! I''m sure things will be great!

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Blue,

It''s good to know that you are feeling better. I think him moving there is a big change, and is bound to switch the dynamics of the relationship a bit, which naturally makes you question things a bit. My friend has been seperated from her husband for 2 years! They''ve never actually lived together, because of visa/immigration problems. He''s going to be arriving in Canada from the US within a few months. She''s excited, but scared because of many of the same reasons you are a) He has no friends here, and Quebec is french! He doesn''t speak a word of french b) Integration into the family c) Trying to see if they can live together. I think the main thing to remember during a this type of transition, is that you are both in this together, and you will work it out together. Whatever comes now cannot possibly as difficult as a long distance relationship. Hugs! Let us know how it goes.

Ally

 

[Blue824]

elephant -- thanks for sharing your story with me. i know it is unrealistic for me to expect everything to go smoothly, but hopefully we''ll just ease back into things and pick up where we left off....ahhh, wishful thinking! i know there will be a period of adjustment. I do the same sort of thing, the verbal stressing, and my bf is always like just wait and see how it goes! i''m so lucky he puts up with me

alley -- thanks, I am feeling a little better. i think the post was just what i needed to get me to start dealing with my feelings and thoughts instead of letting them sabotage things. I cannot imagine being married for two years and not having lived together yet!

It''ll take me a little while, and I''m sort of cyclical with my emotions, so this won''t be the last time I''ll tackle these emotions. Next time I''ll have this thread with all the stories and advice to reference. I really am trying to adopt what JCJD said...."Worry is undue concerns for things we have no control over" I wrote it down in my calendar just to help me remember. Its not going to change overnight, but I think that will really help me stay focused.

 

[NoonersMom]

Blue..... You are going to be going through a change & it''s going to be different. I fully agree with what Croi & BlueRoses said. Try to be present in the here & now with your boyfriend. Give it some time & things will work out as they are suppost to. Your BF sounds wonderful as he was fully open to what you had to say. That says a lot right there. Good luck! We are here for you if you need an ear to bed!