shape
carat
color
clarity

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant.

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Circe said:
I am so very terribly sorry for your loss. I can feel how you struggled with your decision, and for whatever a stranger's opinion is worth, I think you did the right thing, to spare her the probability of great pain. And also for what it's worth ... I lost a wanted child five years ago, at just about the same point in the pregnancy. And it completely broke me for a year or so: I don't know how much of it was a variation of postpartum hormones, and how much can be attributed to the uncertainty and self doubt that I felt as I tried to conceive again. I lost another two pregnancies that year, thankfully earlier on, and I didn't start to feel hope until that third one, ironically enough, when I had to face the fact that it hadn't been anything I'd done ... it was a medical issue, and one I'd have to figure out how to treat. It turned out to be a blood clotting disorder. I went to one of the best fertility specialists in the city - any of you in NYC, I recommend Cristina Matera as highly as one possibly can - and she got me tested for everything under the sun, and six months later I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was absolutely terrifying: I felt like I couldn't trust my body at all, like I couldn't keep the baby safe until he was out in the open. Thank goodness, my team of very professional docs - from the fertility specialist to the blood specialist to the thyroid specialist to the high-risk pregnancy specialist to the high risk pregnancy psychiatrist - got me through it without my losing my mind. But I don't think I'll ever forget the nightmarish experience of giving birth to my dead child. And I think it's a cruel holdover that in our society, women are all too often expected to keep pregnancy losses a secret, or to brush them off like they're no big thing. It's repugnant. I don't know if you're seeing anybody to talk, but I know for me, a) first talking about it here on the boards, then, b) realizing which of my friends were there for me, and, c), finding a trained professional to help work through all of the conflicting griefs and fears and rages probably saved my sanity. It sounds like you've been incredibly brave and incredibly strong throughout this ordeal. But I really hope that you can lean on whomever you need, from us on out, to achieve the healing you need.

Circe, thank you so much for sharing. I share your disdain for how pregnancy loss is treated by our culture; the fault is seemingly the mother's, something to be ashamed of and not validated as a legitimate loss. Just because nobody saw her on anything but an ultrasound, somehow that makes her less real. I do find myself often daydreaming of gazing into her eyes, and I understand how powerful that moment is when mother and baby are established as distinct people. But she *was* a person, dammit. As were the babies you lost. I am so sorry that you had to give birth in the ward of a hospital where healthy babies were being born all around you.

I vacillate between wanting to talk about it, and allowing my head to dip under water, where it's quiet and dark and muted. I am grateful for the support of this community and have come back to this thread to read everyone's responses many many times- I'm probably more than half the clicks on this thread.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Lone_Wolfe said:
Of course she was a life, she was you daughter. She was loved and wanted. I have no words that will ease your pain, but I'd give them to you if I had them. What was her name?

Andelain, thank you for your comforting words, and thank you for asking her name. I never tire of saying it, as I am not destined to use it nearly as much as I had hoped. Her name was Uma. It means 'tranquility' in Sanskrit and I had chosen it for several reasons, including the fact that it is the first 3 letters of the surname I have had since birth (I didn't change my last name after getting married.)

Ironically, it seems I will be seeking Uma in a literal and symbolic sense for the rest of my life.

Thank you for letting me share her name.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
tbaus said:
ksmom, I'm so sorry for your loss.I feel your pain so clearly, as I went through something very similar this year. My doctor recommended waiting until the very end of 19 weeks for my anatomy scan, in order to get more accurate pictures. Because of this, by the time we found out our son had severe hydrocephalus (at 19w6d) it was too late for an abortion and I had to wait another 2 weeks to be induced. It is still a time I cannot think about without falling apart. But like I said to my husband, I would rather deal with this pain for the rest of my life than see my child suffer. Thank you for sharing your story. It is not something many people share and you help us who have been through something similar feel less alone. I hope you find that with time your wounds will heal.

Tbaus, huge hugs to you. How you tolerated that period of limbo between being told something might be wrong until it was confirmed, and again from diagnosis until delivery, I will never know. I was crawling out of my skin in just the few days between diagnosis and abortion, every kick from within shattered my heart into a million pieces as I knew we were contemplating her end.

Thank you for sharing. I hope the very same for you, that you may find comfort in your loved ones and others of us who can relate to what you have endured. And I too hope that time will help to heal us as much as is possible.
 

Bella_mezzo

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
5,760
KSmom, I have started to write and stopped so many times over the past few days.

It is clear how loved and wanted Uma was (and still is).

I am constantly amazed at the grace and strength shown by the mothers on pricescope in the face of seemingly impossible and devastating circumstances.

I am lending my voice to the chorus of women here who are recognizing and celebrating Uma's transformative life, and sharing your grief in her loss.
 

Tourmaline

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 17, 2013
Messages
2,560
Oh wow, my heart goes out to you. I believe I would have done the same thing in that situation. Big. big hugs.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Bella_mezzo said:
KSmom, I have started to write and stopped so many times over the past few days. It is clear how loved and wanted Uma was (and still is). I am constantly amazed at the grace and strength shown by the mothers on pricescope in the face of seemingly impossible and devastating circumstances. I am lending my voice to the chorus of women here who are recognizing and celebrating Uma's transformative life, and sharing your grief in her loss.

Thank you so much for your touching words Bella. I am so grateful for this community and for the outpouring of support and understanding.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Tourmaline said:
Oh wow, my heart goes out to you. I believe I would have done the same thing in that situation. Big. big hugs.

Thank you so much for your support Tourmaline.
 

JGator

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
1,422
KSMom, I feel like we have a connection as my daughter's initial's are KS. Also, i read your SMTR thread (beautiful ring) and found out you are South Asian, and my DH is South Asian. My ering and wedding band are from Leon also. I think Trisomy 9 is very rare, and unfortunately we have that in common, too. The 3-year anniversary of the day we found out about the MC was last Saturday. Hard to forget as it's my FIL's birthday. I love the name Uma. It really is meaningful. Are you planning to try again? If so, feel free to join us in the TTC for 6 months+ thread or the regular TTC thread. I have found it's a great place to talk to others in the same boat. Also, you could check out the RESOLVE boards for a larger group and potential support - http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
JGator said:
KSMom, I feel like we have a connection as my daughter's initial's are KS. Also, i read your SMTR thread (beautiful ring) and found out you are South Asian, and my DH is South Asian. My ering and wedding band are from Leon also. I think Trisomy 9 is very rare, and unfortunately we have that in common, too. The 3-year anniversary of the day we found out about the MC was last Saturday. Hard to forget as it's my FIL's birthday. I love the name Uma. It really is meaningful. Are you planning to try again? If so, feel free to join us in the TTC for 6 months+ thread or the regular TTC thread. I have found it's a great place to talk to others in the same boat. Also, you could check out the RESOLVE boards for a larger group and potential support - http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/

JGator, thanks so much for writing. You're right, our lives do have many parallels and I felt that connection to you the instant you mentioned your own son having trisomy 9. I am sorry that you received such awful news on what should have been a day of celebration. I hope the years have helped to lessen the pain but I imagine the anniversaries are still painful reminders.

It's weird, before I became pregnant with Uma (thank you for your compliments on her name) I was ambivalent about having another baby- our son has special needs, and when he was young it was particularly difficult. Thankfully he is much better now, but the anxiety of what might become of him was crippling, and I had sworn to myself that I wouldn't subject myself to that again with another baby. However, since losing her, I want another baby more than I have wanted anything in my life. We have been trying to conceive since March with no luck, and I will certainly join the ladies on the TTC for 6+ months thread. I have lurked on there but haven't found it in me to speak up yet. I do appreciate how kind and supportive everyone is to each other though, thanks so much for the invitation and for the other link too.

Warm hugs to you.
 

JGator

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
1,422
KSMom, hugs to you too. We started to TTC again after my sleep deprivation ended earlier this year. I could not fathom having another child while our daughter was waking up multiple times/night. After I was able to sleep again, I started thinking about her growing up without siblings and potentially not having us either when she is our age since we're in our early 40s. So, I am currently seeing an RE and going down this path. We are thrilled to have her, and I almost feel like I am rocking the boat by thinking about having another or wanting too much of a good thing. I also have a deep-seated fear that we will lose her - like she is too good for this world or too good for us to have. Strange, but I lost my own father at a young age, and others close to me have died at young ages so I feel the reality and possibility of loss more than most do, I think. I am glad that your son's special needs have become less difficult over time. I wish you the best in your journey, and I am certain that you are a wonderful mother and will be again to a future sibling for your dear son. Hopefully, Uma will watch over your son and future child as well.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
JGator|1412781083|3764290 said:
KSMom, hugs to you too. We started to TTC again after my sleep deprivation ended earlier this year. I could not fathom having another child while our daughter was waking up multiple times/night. After I was able to sleep again, I started thinking about her growing up without siblings and potentially not having us either when she is our age since we're in our early 40s. So, I am currently seeing an RE and going down this path. We are thrilled to have her, and I almost feel like I am rocking the boat by thinking about having another or wanting too much of a good thing. I also have a deep-seated fear that we will lose her - like she is too good for this world or too good for us to have. Strange, but I lost my own father at a young age, and others close to me have died at young ages so I feel the reality and possibility of loss more than most do, I think. I am glad that your son's special needs have become less difficult over time. I wish you the best in your journey, and I am certain that you are a wonderful mother and will be again to a future sibling for your dear son. Hopefully, Uma will watch over your son and future child as well.

Oh, I think I understand how you feel about losing her- I feel very similarly about my son. While I haven't experienced much personal loss aside from our daughter and my grandparents, I feel as though my professional background (I am a pediatrician) has exposed to me the fragility of life, and the devastation of watching children suffer and die. I too have started seeing a NP who specializes in RE, and I just had a sonohysterogram done yesterday which shows probable scar tissue in my uterus. I hate having ultrasounds or any manipulation done to my cervix/pelvis, it is all so painfully reminiscent of what I went through with the abortion. I hope you have found hope in your own journey and I hope to join you all on the TTC boards soon.
 

monkeyprincess

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2009
Messages
2,873
ksmom, I am late in seeing your story, but as everyone has already said more eloquently than I could, I'm so terribly sorry you were faced with that decision and for the loss of your precious baby. I hope you have found comfort in sharing your daughter's story. I agree with JGator that you should join us in the TTC thread if and when you feel up to it.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
monkeyprincess said:
ksmom, I am late in seeing your story, but as everyone has already said more eloquently than I could, I'm so terribly sorry you were faced with that decision and for the loss of your precious baby. I hope you have found comfort in sharing your daughter's story. I agree with JGator that you should join us in the TTC thread if and when you feel up to it.

Thank you so much monkeyprincess. It has been comforting to share her story and to receive the kind support of this community. Thank you for the invitation to join the TTC group and I will definitely see you there soon. With all these invasive tests and interventions under way, it's getting increasingly difficult to deny that we are actively trying to have another baby.
 

Steel

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
4,884
Hi ksmom, Your're not alone so don't be lonely in your grief. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I have no words to comfort - there is nothing to comfort the loss of a child. I'm thinking of you.


Please join the 6+ thread when you can; every woman there needs and gives support, a great bunch of girls.
 

apacherose

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 19, 2014
Messages
1,322
Dear KSmom, I don't know how I even stumbled on your post, I only just discovered these forums of PS exist- but I can't not post and tell you how much I ache for you and your dear Uma. Losing her- all that you and she went through- words cannot describe- just know that my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I am so truly sorry for your loss.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Thanks so much, steel and apacherose, for your kind and supportive comments. I am finding my way over to 6+ today, I'm feeling particularly downtrodden as I've learned that I am once again not pregnant this cycle despite several interventions.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Just wanted to express my gratitude once again for the lovely support here, and share a happy update with those of you who helped me through the most heartbreaking time of my life.

After TTC for most of the year following my loss, I got pregnant right around Christmas of 2014. Sadly that ended in miscarriage and I underwent a D&C in the beginning of 2015; unfortunately, the timing was such that I received the lab report confirming an abnormal pregnancy as the cause of the loss at almost a year later to the day of learning of our daughter's trisomy 9 diagnosis.

I decided not to pursue further fertility treatment, feeling drained after my experiences with loss. Then a day after my son's 5th birthday, I learned that I was pregnant once again, having conceived naturally. The pregnancy was a healthy one and I delivered my daughter just a few weeks ago. I cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine.

Here's a photo of her wearing my 'push' present (this is PS after all ;-) )

Many thanks again to this lovely community for the warmth and support.

image-2714028153.jpg
 
Q

Queenie60

Guest
Congratulations to you! Enjoy your children. I had a similar experience when I was making my family. Many infertility treatments, a few losses - and when we gave up BINGO!!! I wish you much happiness :love: :wavey:
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
ksmom|1451933416|3970489 said:
Just wanted to express my gratitude once again for the lovely support here, and share a happy update with those of you who helped me through the most heartbreaking time of my life.

After TTC for most of the year following my loss, I got pregnant right around Christmas of 2014. Sadly that ended in miscarriage and I underwent a D&C in the beginning of 2015; unfortunately, the timing was such that I received the lab report confirming an abnormal pregnancy as the cause of the loss at almost a year later to the day of learning of our daughter's trisomy 9 diagnosis.

I decided not to pursue further fertility treatment, feeling drained after my experiences with loss. Then a day after my son's 5th birthday, I learned that I was pregnant once again, having conceived naturally. The pregnancy was a healthy one and I delivered my daughter just a few weeks ago. I cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine.

Here's a photo of her wearing my 'push' present (this is PS after all ;-) )

Many thanks again to this lovely community for the warmth and support.


ksmom, I had missed your post earlier and had tears in my eyes reading this thread. I loved the name you gave your daughter who has since passed on - so beautiful.

I saw this picture pop on my newsfeed earlier today and simply loved it. Now that I know it is yours, I am absolutely thrilled.

Congratulations, I am so incredibly happy for you and your family.
 

JGator

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
1,422
KSMom!!!! I am thrilled for you!!! Congratulations! Please post in the 0-12months thread. My son is 10 weeks old today. Love your present and her hand!!!
 

Asscherhalo_lover

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
5,703
So much yay! Congratulations on your healthy little girl and that fabulous push present!
 

Dandi

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2006
Messages
6,652
Oh ksmom, I'm so so thrilled for you!! That chubby, teeny hand :love: Utter perfection!!!! :appl:
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Queenie60 said:
Congratulations to you! Enjoy your children. I had a similar experience when I was making my family. Many infertility treatments, a few losses - and when we gave up BINGO!!! I wish you much happiness :love: :wavey:

Thank you Queenie :) I have heard from several others who also went through something similar- once they stopped trying to get pregnant, it happened for them too. I never dreamt that I would be so lucky as you all!! Thanks so much for your well wishes.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
kama_s said:
ksmom, I had missed your post earlier and had tears in my eyes reading this thread. I loved the name you gave your daughter who has since passed on - so beautiful. I saw this picture pop on my newsfeed earlier today and simply loved it. Now that I know it is yours, I am absolutely thrilled. Congratulations, I am so incredibly happy for you and your family.

Kama, thank you for taking the time to read through the thread and for your comment, especially your comment on Uma's name. With this pregnancy, I considered reusing Uma as a middle name and even thought about it as a first name, but I ultimately decided against it. Her memory makes this moment and this baby so much more precious to me than I ever could have fathomed.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
JGator said:
KSMom!!!! I am thrilled for you!!! Congratulations! Please post in the 0-12months thread. My son is 10 weeks old today. Love your present and her hand!!!

Congratulations to you JG!! I knew you were pregnant but I stopped following the TTC threads while you were still early on in your pregnancy. So happy for you! I will try and find the 0-12 month thread. :)
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Asscherhalo_lover said:
So much yay! Congratulations on your healthy little girl and that fabulous push present!

Thank you so much Asscherhalo_lover! :) and thank you again for your kind and supportive words not so long ago. I won't soon forget the compassion I was shown here.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
DanDiAnDi said:
Oh ksmom, I'm so so thrilled for you!! That chubby, teeny hand :love: Utter perfection!!!! :appl:

Thank you Dandi! Aren't their fingers and toes impossibly small at this age?? I know I won't be able to keep this up for much longer due to fatigue (she's not even 3 weeks old yet) but I find myself awake at all hours of the night staring at her tiny features in wonder. 'Perfection' is absolutely the right word. :)
 

Bella_mezzo

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
5,760
KS-I am so happy to hear of your daughter's arrival. :appl: :appl: :appl: Congratulations!!!!

I am sorry that your journey to her was so long and hard and know that Uma will always have a special place in your family as well.

Your push present is lovely:)
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
53,978
Oh so thrilled and happy for you ksmom!!! What a beautiful baby girl!!! Thank you for sharing your happiness with us and I am sending you much love and many hugs for a wonderful future with your lovely family! :appl: :appl: :appl:

If you are OK to share I would love to know her name. What a sweet little girl. And I have to say that push present looks perfect on her. :love: :bigsmile:

So happy for you and your family ksmom!
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Thanks for coming back and sharing your happy update. It's so uplifting to read stories like these. I could not be happier or more excited for you. Stunning push present as well!
 
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