Proposing on someone else''''s wedding day??

[bennyboy96]

I need some help and advice on a proposal idea. My GF and I have talked and we''ve planned on getting engaged sometime by the end of summer....August/September. We will be in Vancouver and Seattle in early August for her cousin''s wedding on Vashon Island, WA. I am thinking about proposing on a Saturday, the day of the wedding, at a pretty awesome waterfall 30 min outside of Seattle. After proposing, then brunch and champagne right above the waterfall at a 5 star restaurant/hotel. Also, surprise her when we get back to Seattle with a night at a really nice 4 star hotel with a premium room. We''re both mid 20''s and budget conscious so we''re not used to living the high life like that. Her cousin''s wedding is later that evening at 5pm.

My issue is that the timing works out to do it like this, but I don''t want to "upstage" her cousin and the wedding at all by proposing earlier that day. Do you think the bride or any of them family would look poorly on this or would they look at it as adding some more romance/happiness/celebration to an already romantic/happy/celebratory day? Another option is to let my GF decide if she wants to tell everyone that day or wait until after the wedding.

I could do it some other time in our own city, but I think the timing on vacation combined with the waterfall and a nice room make it really perfect. I could do it a few days earlier on the trip (Seattle or Vancouver) but can''t afford the really nice room/hotel for more than one night. I could wait until the day after the wedding but we fly out that day and wouldn''t have the nice room to celebrate in.

Any ideas or advice or opinions would be helpful.
Here''s a link to a pic of the falls and the restaurant for celebratory brunch... http://www.snoqualmiefalls.com/
Ben

 

[ammayernyc]

I think that since it''s a family wedding, you shouldn''t do it on the day of the wedding. Maybe the day before or the day after. Otherwise, it''s definitely upstaging.

 

[blueroses]

I would vote for the day after.

That way if there''s any after-wedding brunch, you can share the good news, but it doesn''t steal focus from the bride and groom. Plus, the newlyweds can feel like they had sort of a hand in it in the future as if their romance "inspired" you so they can feel involved for posterity w/o any upstaging going on.

 

[Cath]

Before the wedding or the day of the wedding is the same in my opinion -- it''ll still be before the wedding. You''re definitely in danger of upstaging the wedding either way.

I would only do it if:
1) You know FOR SURE that her cousin won''t mind.

2) You''re not sure about the cousin, but you know your girlfriend won''t mind keeping quiet at the wedding. She has to be OK not spreading the news or showing off her ring to others until after the wedding is over. She could still wear the e-ring to the wedding, just not deliberately point it out to people. (of course, if the ring is a big honker, then this probably won''t work.)

If you think your girlfriend will be unhappy having to keep it low-key at the wedding, then I''d wait until after the wedding to propose.

 

[ammayernyc]

Another thing... you want the day you propose to be her day. Not the day of her cousin''s wedding and the day you happened to propose...

Doing it on a ''stand alone'' day makes it special for her... as much as it would be overshaddowing her cousin''s wedding, her cousin''s wedding would also be overshowding her engagement day...

 

[NoonersMom]

Given that it''s a family wedding, I would wait until the day after. I''m with the rest of the group on this. You don''t want to tick off half the family that early into the proposal. I''m sure there will be other opportunities, however, best not to do it right out of the gates.

Good luck!

 

[bennyboy96]

Thanks all for the advice. The problem with doing it the following day is that we leave that day on a flight around 6pm and wouldn''t really get to celebrate in another town at a nice hotel. I guess I could look into leaving Monday instead of Sunday and getting the nice room/hotel Sunday night but that''ll cost me an additional $300 plus any cost to change flights, which I don''t really have considering buying the ring and paying for this vacation.

Do you think the family might be OK with it if we didn''t announce it until the day after the wedding? Of course, that may be hard for my GF to do and then it isn''t "her day". It''s just hard because the dates work out well with our plan and as a girl who knows an engagement is coming very soon, she will just be all gaga at the wedding and I thought it would be a good weekend.

Any other thoughts are appreciated!

 

[bennyboy96]

So nobody thinks that proposing the morning before the wedding and letting my GF decide if she wants to tell anyone at the wedding or if she wants to keep it "our little secret" for at least a day is a good idea?

 

[ammayernyc]

Maybe do it on the day before you go up... or on the plane. That way you can celebrate before the wedding. I still think the wedding day is a bad idea. You want it to be special... not lumped together. Especially since it''s family.

The day will be special no matter what. You don''t need to stay in a fancy hotel to prove that...

 

[Munchkin]

Please, please, please, please don't propose before the wedding! I absolutely understand that it would be a great opportunity to spread the happy word with loved ones and enjoy the time in a different city! But please don't!

The main reason is that the wedding should be the bride's day, and the enagement should be your gf's day. Neither should have to share. Even if the bride swears up and down that she won't have a problem with it happening just before the wedding, it will inevitably take some of the focus off the bride. To be frank, (I am not trying to be mean, just honest

) it would be rude. (I'm sorry, my Emily Post of a mother has ingrained her teachings so far into my head that I was physically unable to not write that.

) Everyone should ooh and ahh the bride that day. There is plenty of time for relatives to ooh and ahh over your engagement another day.

Have you considered waking her up in bed the morning after and proposing? That way you could still spend the whole day celebrating in the other city. Or, you could secretly arrange to spend an extra night and add to the romance aspect.

I do undertand your question and the sincere motivation. I think that this is one of those things that women feel more strongly about than men. Please take my word for it. While it might be fine with some brides - most would feel a bit upstaged. (We do tend to get a bit crazy as the big day draws closer!

)

Good luck. Please take my words as sincere advice.
Munchkin

ETA: Sorry, one more thing. I do know of one bride who was asked ahead of time if an engagement could be announced at her and her groom's wedding. She said it was fine. But it wasn't heartfelt. She simply thought she would sound selfish and possessive if she told the truth. It ended up not happening that day, anyway. She was truly happy that the couple was nearing engagement, but she didn't relish the idea that the wedding, which she had toiled over to make wonderfully special - and truly about their unique relationship; would be used as a platform.

 

[Cath]

I don''t think letting your girlfriend decide whether to keep it secret or not at the wedding is a good idea unless you think she''ll choose to keep it a secret.

If you definitely want to propose the morning, I think you have to keep it low-key at the wedding. It''s only fair to her cousin.

And I second what ammayernyc just said. You don''t NEED a fancy hotel for a "perfect" proposal. The proposal will be special no matter what. You don''t really even need to propose in Seattle. Even though the waterfall is very nice, I think it would be just as nice to propose a couple of weeks before the wedding where you two live, and incorporate elements/places that have special meaning in your relationship.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 4/19/2005 6:12:33 PM
Author: Munchkin
She was truly happy that the couple was nearing engagement, but she didn''t relish the idea that the wedding, which she had toiled over to make it wonderfully special, and truly about their unique relationship; would be used as a platform.

This is key here. Your girlfriend''s cousin and her fiance have toiled for months, perhaps a year or more, making this day theirs and theirs alone. Their wedding reflects their personality, their unique relationship, and their special love for one another. Don''t propose to your girlfriend on or just before THEIR special day unless you ask the cousin specifically AND you receive an enthusiastic heartfelt approval of this plan.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/19/2005 5:23

9 PM
Author: bennyboy96
Thanks all for the advice. The problem with doing it the following day is that we leave that day on a flight around 6pm and wouldn''t really get to celebrate in another town at a nice hotel. I guess I could look into leaving Monday instead of Sunday and getting the nice room/hotel Sunday night but that''ll cost me an additional $300 plus any cost to change flights, which I don''t really have considering buying the ring and paying for this vacation.

Do you think the family might be OK with it if we didn''t announce it until the day after the wedding? Of course, that may be hard for my GF to do and then it isn''t ''her day''. It''s just hard because the dates work out well with our plan and as a girl who knows an engagement is coming very soon, she will just be all gaga at the wedding and I thought it would be a good weekend.

Any other thoughts are appreciated!

Please....don''t do it. Don''t propose before the wedding.

Have you thought about how awful it would be for your GF to be SOOOOOOOOOOO excited that she''s engaged and not to be able to share that excitement?

I would be BURSTING and want to share the news with everyone......and it would be a downer to have to keep it a secret.

I know you want to celebrate with the nice hotel room, but is that really worth it if it comes at the expense of your GF not being able to TRULY celebrate her engagement and share her excitement because she can''t tell anyone?

It''s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you don''t get a chance to do it over. If the special city/special room means that much to you, then it''s worth the extra $300 to stay another night. OR......see if you can change your reservations to stay at the nice place the *next* night and stay someplace more modest in advance.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Could you stay in a nice hotel the night of the wedding?? Then you could order breakfast in bed the morning after and propose to her then!! Then you''ll still have your romantic night in the hotel and can continue the romance into the morning with a ring!!!

 

[Momoftwo]

Don''t do it right before or on the day of the wedding unless you do it a couple of weeks before because it could be seen by the bride as infringing on her day. I would do it either in July or after the wedding and that way it''s not interfering with their day. Some people are really funny about "their day" They really feel it belongs to them even though it really doesn''t because lots of people get married every day, just not people you know. Remember when you go to someone''s wedding it''s about them. Unless the engagement is already established, you may really ruin your relationship with the couple. Find a special place and time for you and don''t make this wedding trip the time. It''s not worth the problems it could bring up in family. Think about everyone, not just yourselves.

I''m going to say something that''s probably controversial to those not engaged or married yet, it''s not about where you propose , it''s about the marriage. It''s how you live your life together. The proposal is special no matter where you do it. A waterfall isn''t that important nor is a city. It''s such a small part of your life together. I''m speaking from 24 very happy years of marriage. It''s how you propose (feelings, etc), not where! Yes, where may make a memory, but it won''t make a lasting marriage. You''ll have a lot more memories of your life together. What does a room have to do with it? You can get engaged and celebrate without a hotel room.

 

[Buena Girl]

Maybe when you are on vacation and seeing all of the beautiful sights like the waterfall, you could capture them on video or lots of pictures or audio equipment. Then propose later (like maybe a week or two later) and recreate a similar mood. If you video the waterfall, maybe when you propose you can already have the video playing loudly in a room, and lead her in the room blindfolded. If there is a special scent, like flowers you saw that weekend, you could have a fresh bouquet of them and have her smell them while she is blindfolded. And a special food from that weekend in tupperware, that you open up have her smell while blindfolded. Try to remember distinct things from the trip that she could recognize.

You could get down on bended knee with the ring, and tell her to take off the blindfold. And then propose

You could tell her how much you wanted to propose that weekend, but you wanted the moment to be all about her so that is why you waited, etc.,etc., and all of the other sweet things you plan to tell her.

Just an idea.

 

[bennyboy96]

Thanks for everyone''s advice...Buena Girl, great idea! So I think it''s a pretty overwhelmingly no to proposing on the wedding day. I''ve considered doing it the day before or after and I think I have a plan.

A few weeks before leaving for the trip, I can secretly ask her boss if she can have off the Monday following the wedding and that I''m planning to propose...I''m sure it won''t be a problem. I don''t mention anything the first few days of the trip or on the day of the wedding. We wake up early Sunday morning (the day after the wedding) and go to the waterfall and do the waterfall proposal with the champagne brunch above the falls afterwards. I forgot to mention that the waterfall looks like two seperate rivers merging as one as it goes over the edge...sort of symbolic of two people coming together and taking the plunge. The restaurant has a seperated VIP type table that I could possibly get and have them get some rose petals or something for the table. I could get her sister to photograph or video the proposal from above the falls so as to not be seen.

That afternoon we could do whatever she wants, or I could find something nice and romantic to do that afternoon in Seattle. The night at 7pm we fly out. She would think it''s all done...the engagement day, the weekend, the vacation, etc. She''d be coming down from a high earlier that day and reality would be setting in about driving back home (she lives an hour away from me) and about going to work early the next day. She wouldn''t know until we get dropped off at a nice hotel in downtown San Diego (our hometown) that I already got her off work the next day and we have all Monday to relax and enjoy an extra day together in the surrounding of a nice romantic hotel. Again, we''re in our 20''s and budget conscious so a 4 star hotel would be really cool. We could do the breakfast in bed and the rest on Monday.

I think this pretty much fits in what I want to do and what I think she''ll like without sharing the day with her cousin which could be bad for both parties involved (as everyone mentioned). It''s done after the wedding and there''s still plenty of surprises! What do you think? Is this much better than the original idea?

Thanks again for the advice and ideas!
Ben

 

[Munchkin]

So much better!!!!

I noticed that you did still type "day before" in there. Please, don''t. I type that for the exact same reasons that it wouldn''t be a great idea to do it on the day of. You would still basically be announcing your engagement at the other person''s wedding - even though it happened the day before. It would still be stepping on toes.

I love your new idea. (Insert me being brazen here

) I would suggest that if you want footage of the proposal, that you ask her sis to photograph it rather than video tape it. Why? 1) You could use the photos for all sorts of things wedding related (i.e. engagement photos, save the dates, cover of thank you notes, etc.) 2) With the falls and the distance, you would likely only hear rushing water on the tape. You risk having noisy, unsteady footage of the engagement. Personally, I would love it if my BF arranged for black and white photos to be taken of the whole proposal. (Guy asking, girl''s reaction, hugging, etc.)

She will LOVE getting an extra day to celebrate with you! That is a fantastic idea.

If things start getting costly, the first thing I would toss out is the rose petals. IMO, the best, most romantic part of a proposal is the expression of emotion and commitment from the guy - not the staging.
Good luck!
Munchkin

 

[bennyboy96]

The revised proposal would be the day after....
I had considered doing it earlier in the vacation...on Thursday, the first day there, but have decided on the day after the wedding, on Sunday.

 

[Cath]

The revised plan sounds great!

 

[fire&ice]

Wow, I guess I''m in the minority. Though I don''t think it''s a good idea to propose the *day of* the wedding, it''s no bride''s business when you propose. I would have NO issues if someone came to my wedding newly engaged. Why would I? In fact, I would announce it & celebrate the journey they are about to enter. Weddings are romantic. I see nothing wrong with proposing a few days before so her family can share (yes, share) the joy. I wouldn''t shout it from the roof - just keep it low key.

My hubby proposed before several rounds of weddings. I can''t remember he or I thinking - oh, I can''t do it before so and so''s wedding. Everyone wanted to see the ring and give their best wishes. Nothing was taken away from the "bride''s day". And, I would have never given it a thought at my own wedding - and as stated - extra reason to celebrate. But, I don''t buy into it''s MY day thing. I loved my ceremony. The party afterwards was not for me. I was more concerned with MY GUESTS having fun.

Just my 2c.

 

[njc]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new plan!!! It will be perfect and to surprise her with the extra day off from work will be even cooler!!!

Im trying to think how i would feel if someone got engaged at my wedding. I guess i wouldnt be horribly upset, but its supposed to be our day... I waited for it long enough!!! I had to wait for my proposal an extra 3 weeks because the day FI was going to propose i called him to let him know one of my best friends had just gotten engaged... he didnt think it would be fair to her and i agree. We got our seperate time in the sun... or sparkly diamond!

 

[Fiancee to be]

Great idea, good luck!

::drops pants:

 

[codex57]

I''m much in favor of the new plan. It sounds great.

Personally, I wouldn''t care if someone proposed on my wedding day. However, I''m constantly reminded by my fiance that I don''t get offended by a ton of stuff that normally is considered insulting. Just to be on the safe side, I wouldn''t do it before the wedding. The day after is much better and your plan sounds like it would work great. It''s just best not to tread on any toes if possible. The bride and groom might not mind now, but that wedding weekend, all the stress will come up and they very well might be very upset at you.

 

[bennyboy96]

I think I''ll also get my mom to get into the hotel room Sunday night (in San Diego) before we arrive on the plane and put some champagne on ice, chocalate dipper strawberries, rose petals all over the room, etc. If her sister takes pics of the proposal from above, and if she gets back to SD before we do, I might be able to have her get one developed and put into a frame in the room before we show up.

 

[elepri]

The new idea sounds great! While i see nothing wrong with proposing a few days before the wedding, proposing on the actual wedding day would be pretty horrible. It puts your GF in a situation where she has to choose betwee stealing the spotlight fro the bride or keeping quiet when she''ll be dying to let everyone know she''s engaged. Either way, it would put a damper on the engagement. Definitely do it when she can share with everyone, sounds like you have a great plan!