Scared of Weddings

[Erin]

I''m scared to propose.

It''s not that I don''t want to marry her - I do!!!!!!

I just don''t want to go through the wedding. I''m not really a shy guy, I do sales for a living - but that''s with people I don''t really care about. A wedding will be in front of my family, her family, my friends, her friends, our friends, people I work with, she works with. I just don''t want to be on display like that. I''ve never been one for everyone making such a fuss over me. Standing up there with all eyes on me - just scares the crap out of me.

Eloping is not an option. She has family members who have been looking forward to this for 30 years. She wants to wear a white dress and have her father give her away. I understand that''s almost every girl''s dream. But what if I just can''t do it?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Have you discussed your concerns with your GF? If not...you need to start there....

That being said, marriage is about compromise...this will be the first of many...I can appreciate you''re shy and do not want to be the center of attention, but also consider your GF''s feelings. Knowing what she wants and you want, the two of you can come up with something together that suits the 2 of you...Maybe you can compromise and make the ceremony really short! My ceremony was only 15 minutes, which allowed enough time to declare our love, but we didn''t want a ceremony longer than that...

Good luck!

 

[JCJD]

Sorry you''re feeling petrified! My thoughts on this matter are that if you are truly afraid of being fussed over in a traditional wedding situation, if she truly wants a big to-do wedding, and the two of you truly want a marriage out of this, you two need to discuss your expectations and fears regarding engagement and marriage. Marriage is about compromise. You both need to give and take to make a relationship work.

I''m not married yet, but here''s me and my fiance''s situation. I''ve always wanted a wedding, but I don''t want any of the stress of planning it myself. If we could have afforded to get a wedding planner, all I would have taken care of myself would be my dress, who my bridesmaids are, made sure there''s vegetarian food for me at the reception, and chosen what wedding band I get, and I''d be perfectly happy to elope or have a small destination wedding to pare down the planning stress. He, on the other hand, wants a big to-do. He was thinking of inviting his grandmother''s 4 or 6 sisters AND THEIR FAMILIES who he hasn''t seen in a decade to our wedding. We''re opposites in this situation, so we needed to come up with a solution that both of us were happy with. We''re having a medium-small ceremony and reception, about 100 people, and he is contributing a lot of effort in the planning to keep me from spontaneously combusting. As a result, I''m less stressed out, he''s getting a big to-do, and we''re doing it together.

Talk to your girlfriend about your concerns, hear her out, and see if you two can come up with a solution that you both are happy and comfortable with. Good luck!!!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I totally understand your feelings of not wanting to be on display. My husband and I definitely felt like that too- we didn''t want everyone staring at us, watching our every move, etc. I don''t know how many people you plan on inviting, but one way that helped us a lot was that we really limited invites to GOOD friends and semi-extended family- like my aunts, uncles, and cousins. That was we felt less stared at and less of a curiosity, and more just like a bunch of people having a good time and celebrating a wonderful event.

We had a non-Communion Catholic wedding, which lasted probably 1/2 hour. Our reception went on for maybe 5 hours or so but I didn''t feel stared at, even during the spotlight events (like the cake cutting or first dance). Honestly, what people say about it all going to fast is true- the time FLEW by.

Hope you can work things out.

 

[Matata]

Ask your doctor for some anti-anxiety medication to get you through it.

 

[onedrop]

Any possibility of secretly getting married at the courthouse, and then doing the "big" wedding as planned? At least that way you''ve said the vows and been through it once. So when the actual wedding happens you''re not as nervous. Short of that, I''d say suck it up. By all means don''t let your fears about a wedding prevent you from proposing. A wedding is a wedding, but a proposal is about a marriage.

Definitely communicate your concerns to your GF. Keep us posted.

 

[elepri]

There are so many options between eloping and having a huge, fancy wedding. Have a small wedding, with just close family and friends, get married in a small ceremony (doesn''t have to be city hall) and have a big party afterwards, make sure everyone is dancing, cut out the stupid rituals like bouquet/garter toss, etc, and won''t be on display. If you''re still terrified, there''s always valium to get you through the day (although then you can''t drink

)

 

[aljdewey]

Petrified.......you can do it.

My husband Rich is the most severe introvert I know with everyone but me. With me, he's the biggest goof on the planet. Around others, it's like he's on guard all the time. Every conversation is a possible pitfall of potentially saying the wrong thing for him. I am completely the opposite---total extrovert with my family/friends. I don't like to be the "focus of attention" event-wise typically, but I love to socialize.

Rich explains to me that it's completely stressful for him in social situations; he doesn't really feel comfortable (even though he likes all my friends/family). It's just that socializing doesn't come naturally for him. He literally feels mentally drained after a summer cookout......like he's run a marathon. I've learned that the most he can typically handle is about 3 hours at a cookout with 6-7 of our friends, so we bring separate cars and he can leave when he likes. It's THAT pronounced.

Having said that, Rich did amazing at our wedding. We kept it to only immediately family (parents, sibs/spouses) and only the most intimate of friends. We didn't invite casual acquaintenances, aunts/uncles/cousins, or co-workers. There were only 29 people at our wedding including us, and I honestly think that made it much more comfortable for him. He wasn't "on display" to the world, and didn't have to worry about what snide comments would come from people who didn't know us well.

I worried tremendously how he'd fare on that day. He was so focused on ME that the rest of it was peripheral, and that's how he got through it. He joked and said he felt like his cheeks were bleeding after an hour of pictures (!!!), but he really enjoyed the day.

You'll do fine. Keep in mind WHY you're there, and allow yourself to get caught up in the moment of the event. It will be fine.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I agree with the other comments about having a smaller wedding. . .another thought is possibly seeing someone who can teach you some breathing and relaxation techniques. . .proper abdominal breathing will help keep you calm and focused. Practice the exercises every day, preferably twice a day, until the wedding or they won''t work!

Oh, and valium does help too. . .if you opt for this route, take just a tiny amount otherwise you''ll just end up zombied out, and what fun is this?

Michelle

 

[Erin]

Thanks for all your kind words. We did sort of talk about it this past weekend. She said she''s told me from the beginning that we could have an intimate ceremony and then a big party. Right then I realized I don''t want a wedding at all. I mean I want to be married to her but we could go to the courthouse or to Vegas, but why do we HAVE to have a wedding? Then she became upset saying it''s what nearyl every girls wants - do I not deserve the once chance I have? Then I felt bad and guilty but not enough to say, okay then let''s have a ceremony with invitations and tuxes and flowers and a dj...... I don''t know how to explain it. I guess at first I said I was scared of the proposal to cover for the fact that I don''t want a wedding.

We''ve been talking around the subject for almost a year now (been dating for almost 4) and everytime she feels cheated. She tells me how much she''s willing to comprise but it doesn''t matter. I tell her how what I really want in my heart is to be married to her - not the whole fanciful wedding. She''ll say of course the marriage is what''s really important but why can''t I have what every woman has the privelege to experience.

I wish I could put into words how I feel, but I just can''t. I just would like to avoid the wedding part altogether and just go to the courthouse. Any advice?

 

[kaylagee]

I second the therapist idea. Maybe s/he can prescribe some exercises or, at last resort, meds for this.

I was having *horrible* panics about the wedding ceremony. Since my husband is French and I'm from the US we went to the courthouse(to be married) about 3 months before the wedding ceremony to get the paperwork(for the French gov't) rolling.

So, we were already legally married and I'd have recurring thoughts of cancelling the ceremony and party. For the same feares..'all eyes on me', etc. (Hey, imagine being the bride!! eeek! The groom has it easy. We have a pretty good idea of how the guy will look. Very little room for error. Unfortunately not so for us gals!)

I thought I'd fumble the vows, trip over my dress... or just faint!(I tend to pass out when overwhelmed...low blood pressure). My husband really wanted this wedding more than I did... his family was coming over from Europe... my relatives from the East Coast, so I was basically trapped. LOL!

Even the morning of the wedding I was talking to dh joking that we could just run away, across the field and through the farm(behind my parents house) to the highway. Dh even admitted that he was feeling nervous too and it sounded like a good idea.
***
With all my insanity, I survived it and I'm really glad that we went through with the ceremony. The memories, the photos, the food(laughing), the warm energy from family and friends.

It was much different than I'd imagined. There was such feeling of support..no one was there to ridicule or tear down. If so, at least that was completely overshadowed by the positivity of the day. One of the best of my life.

A therapist/psychiatrist could totally help you work through the anxiety. If I hadn't gotten some sort of handle on my fears about the wedding I'd have cheated myself out of a beautiful thing too.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I wish I could put into words how I feel, but I just can''t. I just would like to avoid the wedding part altogether and just go to the courthouse. Any advice?

Yes, my advice is IF you''re not up to seeing a hypnotist/therapist for relaxation techniques, get an RX for Xanax. This WILL relax you. . . (but don''t take a whole pill or you''ll fall asleep

)

FWIW, my husband and I eloped in Vegas and had a great time because this was what we BOTH wanted. . .if only one of us wanted to do this, we wouldn''t have had a fun experience. . .You''ve got to compromise on this matter so that your FI is happy!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/20/2005 1:38:42 PM
Author: Petrified

She said she''s told me from the beginning that we could have an intimate ceremony and then a big party. Right then I realized I don''t want a wedding at all. I mean I want to be married to her but we could go to the courthouse or to Vegas, but why do we HAVE to have a wedding? Then she became upset saying it''s what nearyl every girls wants - do I not deserve the once chance I have? Then I felt bad and guilty but not enough to say, okay then let''s have a ceremony with invitations and tuxes and flowers and a dj...... I don''t know how to explain it. I guess at first I said I was scared of the proposal to cover for the fact that I don''t want a wedding.

We''ve been talking around the subject for almost a year now (been dating for almost 4) and everytime she feels cheated. She tells me how much she''s willing to comprise but it doesn''t matter. I tell her how what I really want in my heart is to be married to her - not the whole fanciful wedding. She''ll say of course the marriage is what''s really important but why can''t I have what every woman has the privelege to experience.

I wish I could put into words how I feel, but I just can''t. I just would like to avoid the wedding part altogether and just go to the courthouse. Any advice?

If you cannot bring yourself to compromise even a little from your position, then I fear you have a problem that may cost you the girl.

Not being under scrutiny or feeling on display is deeply important to you.....and that needs to be taken into consideration. A wedding of *some* sort is deeply important to her.....and that needs to be taken into consideration, too. This is much different from something trivial.....it''s not "well, I don''t want to go to your company Christmas party".

Also, you need to know this is about more than "a wedding"....it''s about fulfilling a lifelong dream of hers in *some* way. Yes, the marriage is the big-picture important thing, but that doesn''t mean some form of wedding isn''t still important to her....and clearly, it is.

I can understand not wanting to be on display....I didn''t want that either, and I was the bride. Fair enough request. If she''s truly willing to compromise, then I think a workable solution is a small, intimate ceremony with immediate family/friends only......and no "big party" afterward.

Do something more low-key after the ceremony....maybe a backyard BBQ or all go to a restaurant for a quiet dinner. No DJ. No tuxes. No chicken dance. No garter toss. No "first dance" in public.....you can save a first dance for when you are alone, by candlelight, in your honeymoon suite.

Marriage is about compromise.....taking into consideration what each person wants/needs and finding a happy medium. If you expect to be able to do it when you''re married, I don''t understand why you can''t (or won''t) do it now. There is a vast range of possibilities between the two extremes of "courthouse wedding" and "big party".

As the woman in this situation, I would expect some sort of compromise, and if none were forthcoming, I''d have to sit down and give serious thought to whether or not this is the person I want to forge my life with.