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Heartbroken and confused, some insight please

usnwife

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 27, 2009
Messages
98
allycat0303|1389661643|3592261 said:
Hey everyone,

I read every post. I was clinic when I wrote it (burst into tears.. like an UGLY cry twice) O I am just very confused.


4. He feels that if we were to do a long distance relationship, I would find someone better and leave him. And he would be stuck at 40 years old without a wife or children. Now I have to be brutally honest with guys. I have been on and off about him coming with me on fellowship. I have said that I would leave him once my fellowship was done (more then once). And I have felt that maybe being away from him for a year, would help me find direction.

About two months ago, I made him sign the equivalent of a pre-nup in Quebec...he said he didn't care, but that night, we had a huge fight. He was very irritated by it. He did ask me two or three times if I loved him and saw a future with him. And in retrospect, my answers were evasive.

I don't understand? You work 120+ hours a week. You threaten to divorce. You basically start preparing for divorce i.e. prenup. Now, you are heartbroken and confused that he is either going to leave you now or stay for the money? I have read what you wrote, and I feel sorry for your husband. I am sorry that you feel bad too. You are a very smart, hardworking woman so you will be able to move forward from this situation. I wish you and your husband the best, either together or separate.
 

ame

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Messages
10,869
About all I have for you Ally besides hugs and support, is that you probably should move on, meet with an attorney in whatever spare time you have and forge a plan to move along in your life without this one in it. He's been unfaithful, that alone, for me anyway, is the end of marriage. No repair, no therapy, no helping that. He left the marriage for whatever reason, and that ends that. You've put in a lot of time to your career, while trying to deal with his varying moods, and even one facet of that is totally exhausting. Pre/post-nuptial agreement or not, he left the marriage, probably more than once, or ongoing. That's all I would need to know that this marriage isn't working anymore. But the inclusion of differing opinions on kids, and the pressure associated...you two just are no longer a good match, though from old posts, I am inclined to think you really weren't to begin with, and you both were either too comfortable or too "in love" with the idea of being together despite the incompatibility to see it.
 

iluvcarats

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
2,855
Ally, I just want to say that I'm hoping today is a little better for you. You have such a bright future ahead, and I hope it makes you feel good to know that there are a lot of complete strangers here thinking of you, and wishing you all the best.
 

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
25,241
appletini|1389796823|3593247 said:
... Relationships should not be that hard or have so much drama. You should bring out the best in each other and be a great team. That being said relationships also need to be nutured and maintained, you have to make time for each other.

Not to sound too harsh but life is all about choices. You can choose to be happy, you can choose how you treat others, you can choose how you respond and react to situations. The rest of your life is a longtime--it should be but we never know how time we will really have. Only you know what you are willing to live with....

This sums up my advice.

I want to add one other observation. Ally, i you have been with your husband since you were so young, and in a drama-filled relationship that whole time, then your personal growth as individuals, particularly in the domain of emotional maturity, may have stopped when you were very young. When all your time and energy is focused on the drama drama drama, then there is little time to learn who you are, to learn self- and other-compassion, and to learn how to be a good romantic partner -- yes, that job takes as much work and preparation as becoming a doctor! Being single is not something horrible. It could be something fantastic for you both.

PS: I know quote a few women who divorced in their early 30s and all of them are now remarried, happier, and many had kids (or more kids). Life doesn't end at 33. In many ways, it begins.
 

TC1987

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2011
Messages
1,833
LaraOnline|1389659228|3592236 said:
...

In my view, it is entirely fair that he can see one path as being childless and living with a degree of luxury. He should have a share of the spoils of your career if he has sacrificed all personal opportunities to see you through your career. I think it is quite common for the dominant partner with the all encompassing career to downplay the emotional support that comes from the supporting partner, but I don't think you should ignore the impact your career choices have made on his life.

If the man had a decent enough career wherever they are located for Alley's schooling, I should think that he hasn't sacrificed much at all, considering there are no children to pay for.

Here is what I would say to that man in the even of a divorce, Alleycat: "If you want a share of the spoils, you also agree to assume a share of the debt along with that. Otherwise, walk away and leave my income be mine, because I am going to need ALL of it to pay off MY debts!" And I would not back down.

My ex husband rang up over $39,000 in credit card debts and another $12,000 in debts when we separated. His debts were not for joint items. They were things like camping gear, woodworking tools that he bought for his business, and guns. So, what I told him is "You can't have it both ways. If you want to take all of YOUR stuff, you will take all of YOUR debts with it. Otherwise, I am taking HALF of all that stuff, along with that HALF of the debt you trying to stick me with." And the courts concurred, and in the end, I wrote him a check for only $500 and I walked away.

I look at your income potential the same way: Even if he supported the household for a while, that was then, and he's talking about the future. So, if he wants a share of the future income, he can also take a share of the debt associated with it. He can't just stick you with all of the debt and also expect you to hand over part of your salary.


Regarding children: I don't have any. I have no regrets. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I made the right decision there. I never craved the work of motherhood. If fact, I pretty much had decided by age 6 that I didn't like the mother / family servant role and all and I found it intolerably unfair and also intolerably boring. There were a few times, where, if things had gone right, I might have had one child. But that would have been my limit. I love working, I am career oriented, and also I like to have loads of quiet time by myself or with very low-maintenance people so that I can concentrate and study without interruptions.
I know few men who are willing to sacrifice their personal lives and their fun in order to do the actual routine and immensely time consuming work of raising children. Most just want to leave it to the wife/mother and not be greatly inconvenienced. Since you have put so much effort into a career that you love, and there is no guarantee that the man will stick around anyhow, I'd at lease file for a legal separation and would go right on with whatever needs to be done careerwise. And not even think about that husband much. Set him free, and if he never comes back, then you can go right on with your career and meet someone else.

My parents have been together since childhood. Time changes people. Personally, I'd call their relationship no prize, and I would not put up with half of what my mother has put up with over the years. It sounds like your career is taking off nicely, and maybe the husband has issues with the balance of power now. They are his issues. If he wants to leave, let him go. Either way, you still need to have a means of earning a living, so focus on the career.

eta: I agree with Gypsy. You can freeze your eggs and have kids later. Even use a sperm donor and/or hire a nanny.
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
Last comment. Ally, should you decide to divorce, please consider having your old posts and this one, deleted. And do not post online about your relationship. Anything you say in a public forum (which I think we often forget the internet is) can be used against you. And that includes things you said five years ago.
 

ame

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Messages
10,869
Id probably go so far as to delete your entire account if possible.
 

ruby59

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 5, 2004
Messages
3,553
I agree about deleting the posts regarding your relationship with your husband. In case you two do decide to divorce, lawyers now a days look everywhere for dirt to use against you. Why give them ammunition?
 

pyramid

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 10, 2002
Messages
4,607
I hope things go well for you Ally. I have been through a separation. My husband cheated and it had been going on for a while before I found out. Possibly years. Not saying there was not fault on both sides but by that stage he had left emotionally and I was definitely out for good when i found out.

I really am writing to say that Positive Thinking was one of the things that got me through and it does get better every day and you do get stronger, although you are obviously a very strong person in other ways anyway.

Another thing I found was that we all have a subconscious and there were things in my marriage I had not let come to the surface or squashed down. Also after a bit of time things would come together like a jigsaw, things which did not make sense on their own but when you got the full picture you just knew which way you thought and wanted to go.
 

hlmr

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 21, 2004
Messages
2,872
Just wanted to wish you well, Ally, and I hope you all the wonderful advice you have been given will help you in making a decision that is right for you. I have been with my husband from a very young age too, so I understand the angst associated with considering life without him. That being said, my opinion is that you two are both good people living life in a bad relationship. May I suggest you take the time to write down all the positive and negative aspects of your marriage and all the reasons why it could or couldn't work. Perhaps two lists; one emotional and also one analytically focused. Please take good care of yourself during this difficult journey.
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
TC1987|1389812658|3593438 said:
LaraOnline|1389659228|3592236 said:
...

In my view, it is entirely fair that he can see one path as being childless and living with a degree of luxury. He should have a share of the spoils of your career if he has sacrificed all personal opportunities to see you through your career. I think it is quite common for the dominant partner with the all encompassing career to downplay the emotional support that comes from the supporting partner, but I don't think you should ignore the impact your career choices have made on his life.

If the man had a decent enough career wherever they are located for Alley's schooling, I should think that he hasn't sacrificed much at all, considering there are no children to pay for.

Here is what I would say to that man in the even of a divorce, Alleycat: "If you want a share of the spoils, you also agree to assume a share of the debt along with that. Otherwise, walk away and leave my income be mine, because I am going to need ALL of it to pay off MY debts!" And I would not back down.

My ex husband rang up over $39,000 in credit card debts and another $12,000 in debts when we separated. His debts were not for joint items. They were things like camping gear, woodworking tools that he bought for his business, and guns. So, what I told him is "You can't have it both ways. If you want to take all of YOUR stuff, you will take all of YOUR debts with it. Otherwise, I am taking HALF of all that stuff, along with that HALF of the debt you trying to stick me with." And the courts concurred, and in the end, I wrote him a check for only $500 and I walked away.

I look at your income potential the same way: Even if he supported the household for a while, that was then, and he's talking about the future. So, if he wants a share of the future income, he can also take a share of the debt associated with it. He can't just stick you with all of the debt and also expect you to hand over part of your salary.


Regarding children: I don't have any. I have no regrets. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I made the right decision there. I never craved the work of motherhood. If fact, I pretty much had decided by age 6 that I didn't like the mother / family servant role and all and I found it intolerably unfair and also intolerably boring. There were a few times, where, if things had gone right, I might have had one child. But that would have been my limit. I love working, I am career oriented, and also I like to have loads of quiet time by myself or with very low-maintenance people so that I can concentrate and study without interruptions.
I know few men who are willing to sacrifice their personal lives and their fun in order to do the actual routine and immensely time consuming work of raising children. Most just want to leave it to the wife/mother and not be greatly inconvenienced. Since you have put so much effort into a career that you love, and there is no guarantee that the man will stick around anyhow, I'd at lease file for a legal separation and would go right on with whatever needs to be done careerwise. And not even think about that husband much. Set him free, and if he never comes back, then you can go right on with your career and meet someone else.

My parents have been together since childhood. Time changes people. Personally, I'd call their relationship no prize, and I would not put up with half of what my mother has put up with over the years. It sounds like your career is taking off nicely, and maybe the husband has issues with the balance of power now. They are his issues. If he wants to leave, let him go. Either way, you still need to have a means of earning a living, so focus on the career.

eta: I agree with Gypsy. You can freeze your eggs and have kids later. Even use a sperm donor and/or hire a nanny.

How does a married person not assume the debt of their marriage partner? In your case, you had to take the whole thing to court.

Perhaps there are cultural differences here but in my world I am responsible for my husband's debts unless like you I go to great efforts and expense to prove otherwise.
And if I am also sacrificing in terms of debt risk, reduced life style, increased home responsibilities and greatly reduced or non existent leisure time, all so I can further my partner's career than yes, I *do* see myself as 'worthy' of some of the spoils of those choices, further down the track, if those spoils appear. I may not get the glory, I may not be the 'driving career force' In The marriage but I have supported that career development in every meal, every lonely day and night and every loving word and expect to improve my circumstances through my work and risk and life choices, as we all do.
To be asked to make the personal sacrifice for the sake of another's career, only to be hauled in for a post nup just as light is dimly appearing at the end of the tunnel would have been hard emotional nut to swallow, surely.

Marriage is about a genuine sharing of a life together, especially if it happens earlier in life when hard work and sacrifice is required. For my man and I, we're not house mates, breaking down every bill and chore into his and hers. Perhaps kids has something to do with that. But as a wife I am certainly responsible for any bills my man rings up. Whether that relates to humongous study debts incurred in another country, I'm not totally sure. But we paid ours off, together. Out of our 'joint estate'.

Each of us has a history. Yours is different to mine. Really it's up to alley to decide in what light she views her husband. I know my man can go from hero to villain and back again depending on the day. But the default settlement over here is that debt incurred by one partner is generally payable by either and in any case it all comes from the same pot assuming you have assets to cover.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
33,852
dk168|1389744092|3592815 said:
I am child-free and do not particular like kids, prefer cats and dogs, and have one each, they are my children substitutes! :bigsmile:

DK :))
plus they don't talk back at ya... :bigsmile:
 

Rhapsody

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2005
Messages
391
Oh Ally, I am so sorry you are going through this. But sometimes love is just not enough to sustain a relationship. And all the wanting for things to be what you know they *could* be won't help.

We had some bonding moments over frustration with our SO's choosing to spend time playing sports or what-not instead of spending time with us. My husband and I also met in high school and had a lot of bad relationship habits to break because of that, so the comment that you might be stuck in these "immature" interactions with each other could be spot on. And when you're so busy it can be easy to avoid dealing with these problems.

Life tends to only get more and more crazy, and it seems like you guys have never found a balance between spending time working on your marriage and focusing on your careers. A few years after we got married I was set to start my PhD program and my husband wanted to start a new business. We spent at least a month discussing the logistics, what the repercussions of each choice were, how we felt about everything. It was some ugly work, but we didn't want to make any moves unless both of us were really supportive of each other. I'm not certain about this but it sounds like you plan to move ahead with you career plans with or without him, and you have to be ok that one possible outcome is that he won't follow you to where you need to go. I know it sucks when it seems like the goal-posts are moving ( he wants kids, he doesn't want kids) so as you try to intellectualize each option every position can be argued. The only thing that works for me is keeping very strong hold to my nonnegotiables and be open to compromise any where else.

Like Appletini said, life is about choices. Sometimes it feels like its a lose-lose situation, but you have to choose and move on. Don't want to suffer the death from a thousand paper cuts while you guys have the same argument over and over.

Big hugs!!
 

nkarma

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2009
Messages
644
Ally,

I am sorry you are experiencing this deep low right now. Big hugs....I know it hurts badly.

I did go back and read most of your previous relationship posts. From those, I think you will stay in this relationship and get a lot of satisfaction out of it. You two seem to always work it out and are drawn to each other. Like most your friends on here, I don't think it's a good idea to continue, but it's obvious how much you get from this relationship. Only the the two of you know what's best for yourselves and your relationship.
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
27,198
Hi Ally,
I've been around a while and remember a lot of your old threads. Big hugs...

I just want to let you know that I was married at 29 and seperated 5 years later.
I remarried at 38 and went on to have 2 kids. 33 is still young in my book. You
Deserve to be happy and cherished. Figure out what it is you need to be happy.
Meanwhile it sounds like your husband is also trying to figure out what will
make him happy (nothing wrong with that) . And if you both want the same thing
Then you both are going to have to reprioritize and find a way to put your marriage
first. I don't see how it will ever work without major dedication on both your
parts ...and that may not even be enough.

I just want to let you know that you can have a happy future. See a counselor and
Figure out what you want and need.

Big hugs...
tyty
 

GracieLee

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2013
Messages
15
rosetta|1389708608|3592459 said:
I'm really sorry you're going through this ally!

As a fellow doctor, I'm going to give it to you straight. You know I know the life, god knows I've done the hours. It's effing hard on relationships. Only the rock solid ones survive.

You and your husband aren't on the same page. At all. You don't respect him. You don't trust him with your money (the pre nup). You don't want kids (admit it. You're working flat out. How are you going to raise kids working 120 hrs a week?) He is jealous of your career. He doesn't really want to give up his job to follow your fellowship. He really wants kids (he just said he didn't so he could stay with you).

You may love each other, but you both want different lives to the ones you have now. You've both been compromising, but a compromise can only work if you both are truly ok with said compromise. You're not, are you?

Yon simply can't go on like this. Either you both need to make drastic changes (and make your peace with these changes) or go your separate ways.

Here's what I would do, if I wanted to stay in this marriage: reduce my work hours, have kids, destroy the pre-nup, ask him to change his hours so he does most of childcare (but make sure I also work less so I do some), ask him to give up the pot.

If neither of you wants to change the status quo, then things will get worse and you might as well call time now.

I'm sorry if I've been too blunt. Big cyber hugs xoxo


"From tyty333
Hi Ally,
I've been around a while and remember a lot of your old threads. Big hugs...

I just want to let you know that I was married at 29 and seperated 5 years later.
I remarried at 38 and went on to have 2 kids. 33 is still young in my book. You
Deserve to be happy and cherished. Figure out what it is you need to be happy.
Meanwhile it sounds like your husband is also trying to figure out what will
make him happy (nothing wrong with that) . And if you both want the same thing
Then you both are going to have to reprioritize and find a way to put your marriage
first. I don't see how it will ever work without major dedication on both your
parts ...and that may not even be enough.

I just want to let you know that you can have a happy future. See a counselor and
Figure out what you want and need.

Big hugs...
tyty "

I think Rosetta and tyty333 said it best....

HUGS to you Ally. Trust in yourself and have no regrets.
 

Ella

Brilliant_Rock
Staff member
Premium
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
1,621
Ladies, please keep the language clean.
 

Imdanny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2008
Messages
6,186
monarch64|1389765503|3593071 said:
junebug17|1389763480|3593047 said:
I am very saddened and disillusioned by this thread. Smith, you were treated very badly and you didn't deserve it. You offered your opinion, as is your right and just as everyone else did, and I'm sure many who responded didn't read the plethora of Alley's past posts, or did research - are you kidding me???? - several others felt the need to bully you with condescending and obnoxious behavior, just because they didn't agree with you. I'm so glad you came back and defended yourself.

You have been nothing but nice and helpful, and you don't deserve the treatment you've received here - I always knew PS had its cliques, but lately it's becoming more apparent and I don't feel comfortable remaining a member here. I've been here over 4 years and never really felt like I belonged. The fact that there are apparently behind -the -scene groups makes me even more uncomfortable, and I just don't like a lot of the things that have been happening on PS recently. I'm 53 years old, I don't need to go through high school again.

I'd encourage you to stay, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that because I am discouraged by what is going on on PS and I'm going to leave as well. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel so badly, you have always been very kind to me, even remembering to ask me about my mother, which I appreciate so much.

Junebug, your post is making me really sad. Please don't leave. I think you're one of the saner voices here and I would really hate to see you leave this community. Of course there are cliques, and that sucks for people who aren't included in them. But, please know that not everyone is involved in a clique and some of us just really appreciate the community. I have always enjoyed your posts, and I am pretty sure others have as well. You and I had an issue once that really made us upset because it was a total misunderstanding. I hope you know that it upset me as much as it did you. I really hate that there is so much strife happening tonight.

I agree with junebug. The best interests of this community include INCREASING membership. Telling people they shoundn't comment and practically inviting people to leave are things we aren't entitled to do and I object to treating people this way. That's all I'm going to say about it.
 

onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Messages
2,216
Ally, I am also coming out of lurkdom to express that I am so sorry you are going through this, but this latest crisis in your relationship may be the wake up call that you needed to make some changes in your life (whatever they may be). I have no real words of wisdom except to say that I hope you make the decision that will sit best with you in the end. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do and when you and how you should do it, but ultimately the decision regarding your marriage lies with you. And I think that it's very important for you to be at peace with any decision you make. I just wish you the best in your future, whatever that may be!

*As a side note, it is good to see PSers from back in the day popping in to give encouragement.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Hi Ally,

I haven't read a lot of the posts, but I'm thinking good thoughts for you. It's been, what...10 years since I've been reading your posts (I think you were one of the first stories I read when I was lurking).

Your relationship has never been healthy. I think you know that. I hope you find strength to move on. I am not sure if you will, but I hope you do.

Best wishes to you.
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
4,881
Thinking of you Ally. Though I haven't been around as long as TGal I am very familiar with your past posts. I agree with what she said about your relationship but only you and he truly know the inside of your relationship. Best wishes to you to figure out a path forward.
 

joflier

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2007
Messages
3,504
Hey Ally,
I'm popping up out of the world of lurking to just offer my support for you during this tough time. Everyone has posted some very good insights and thoughts, so I don't have too much to add. Just allow yourself some time to grieve. Do you have family in the area? When I went through my divorce, emotionally, I leaned pretty hard on my family, and let me tell you - they were the strongest and most never-failing shoulders to cry on. Don't be afraid to reach out to your family just to express some of your feelings and let them help you get through this! Also, as others have suggested, try and find a therapist to talk to. It's so beneficial to have a neutral party to listen to your feelings, but to also help guide you through the next steps. Take care of yourself and be strong. This is a rough time for you, but the silver lining is that the rough times don't last. It takes time to get through it, but life will carry you on to new and better things.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
joflier|1390103343|3595914 said:
Hey Ally,
I'm popping up out of the world of lurking to just offer my support for you during this tough time. Everyone has posted some very good insights and thoughts, so I don't have too much to add. Just allow yourself some time to grieve. Do you have family in the area? When I went through my divorce, emotionally, I leaned pretty hard on my family, and let me tell you - they were the strongest and most never-failing shoulders to cry on. Don't be afraid to reach out to your family just to express some of your feelings and let them help you get through this! Also, as others have suggested, try and find a therapist to talk to. It's so beneficial to have a neutral party to listen to your feelings, but to also help guide you through the next steps. Take care of yourself and be strong. This is a rough time for you, but the silver lining is that the rough times don't last. It takes time to get through it, but life will carry you on to new and better things.

I hope you are doing well joflier. IIRC, I created your avatar during those tough times. A phoenix does rise from the ashes...
 

Mayk

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 12, 2011
Messages
4,772
Alley you've gotten a lot of advice but the one thing I would echo is counseling... as some one who when through a divorce at 42 years old I was in a marriage that had drained the life out of me (both my interest in fun things and a financial drain (his business was a hobby my career supported us)) the counseling helped me "right myself", heal and learn to move on. I found the most perfect man and my life couldn't possibly be any happier. My Ex remarried and truly I think he found someone who understood him better than I did. In the long run it was a painful experience, re-entering the dating world at 42 was scary but as I look back now almost 9 years later I'm so glad I made the decision to take my life in a different direction. Getting control and understanding what you need/want is the first step of empowering yourself.
 

joflier

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2007
Messages
3,504
TravelingGal said:
joflier|1390103343|3595914 said:
Hey Ally,
I'm popping up out of the world of lurking to just offer my support for you during this tough time. Everyone has posted some very good insights and thoughts, so I don't have too much to add. Just allow yourself some time to grieve. Do you have family in the area? When I went through my divorce, emotionally, I leaned pretty hard on my family, and let me tell you - they were the strongest and most never-failing shoulders to cry on. Don't be afraid to reach out to your family just to express some of your feelings and let them help you get through this! Also, as others have suggested, try and find a therapist to talk to. It's so beneficial to have a neutral party to listen to your feelings, but to also help guide you through the next steps. Take care of yourself and be strong. This is a rough time for you, but the silver lining is that the rough times don't last. It takes time to get through it, but life will carry you on to new and better things.

I hope you are doing well joflier. IIRC, I created your avatar during those tough times. A phoenix does rise from the ashes...

Hi TGal - I am doing very well! I'm in school working on business degree (plus work) and have a wonderful partner that I've been with for over 3 years now. Life is pretty busy these days so I've been absent from PS aside from popping over to lurking every couple months. All of you here on PS were so supportive and wonderful when I went through my divorce, and I can see that all of that support and kindness is still there by reading all the responses to Ally's situation. Even if I don't have a chance to log in much anymore, I always have warm fuzzies about the friendships that came from this site. And the Phoenix you made for my avatar was an important symbol at that time. I have a small picture of one in my office at work as well. No matter what life throws at you, I think it's important remember the struggles that came before. It helps put everything in perspective. Now I think it's Ally's time to rise like a Phoenix.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
joflier|1390170406|3596410 said:
TravelingGal said:
joflier|1390103343|3595914 said:
Hey Ally,
I'm popping up out of the world of lurking to just offer my support for you during this tough time. Everyone has posted some very good insights and thoughts, so I don't have too much to add. Just allow yourself some time to grieve. Do you have family in the area? When I went through my divorce, emotionally, I leaned pretty hard on my family, and let me tell you - they were the strongest and most never-failing shoulders to cry on. Don't be afraid to reach out to your family just to express some of your feelings and let them help you get through this! Also, as others have suggested, try and find a therapist to talk to. It's so beneficial to have a neutral party to listen to your feelings, but to also help guide you through the next steps. Take care of yourself and be strong. This is a rough time for you, but the silver lining is that the rough times don't last. It takes time to get through it, but life will carry you on to new and better things.

I hope you are doing well joflier. IIRC, I created your avatar during those tough times. A phoenix does rise from the ashes...

Hi TGal - I am doing very well! I'm in school working on business degree (plus work) and have a wonderful partner that I've been with for over 3 years now. Life is pretty busy these days so I've been absent from PS aside from popping over to lurking every couple months. All of you here on PS were so supportive and wonderful when I went through my divorce, and I can see that all of that support and kindness is still there by reading all the responses to Ally's situation. Even if I don't have a chance to log in much anymore, I always have warm fuzzies about the friendships that came from this site. And the Phoenix you made for my avatar was an important symbol at that time. I have a small picture of one in my office at work as well. No matter what life throws at you, I think it's important remember the struggles that came before. It helps put everything in perspective. Now I think it's Ally's time to rise like a Phoenix.

Sorry for the thread jack...

So nice to hear that joflier! I'm delighted for you. I hope Ally will find happiness soon too. Best continued wishes to you!
 

galeteia

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2006
Messages
1,794
De-lurking here - I'm another who grieves to see this, but is unsurprised.

Ally, as one of the folks that has been around since the days before your marriage, I can only echo what TGal said about the health of your relationship over the years. You two have been a square peg in a round hole for a long time, and you both have suffered a great deal as a result.

We counselled you not to enter this marriage until your relationship had the red flags resolved, and it seems that they are just as present now as they were all those years ago, even if the superficial details have changed. He went to counselling without you in secret, after refusing to go for the sake of your relationship (for years!), I can only take this to mean that he is trying to find the means to end things, and everything else (the kids, your fellowship, the other woman) are just an excuse.

You are a strong, capable, wonderful woman and you (both) have outgrown this relationship-- move on and find happiness with someone who you respect, an equal partner. You are not a meal ticket to someone's "luxurious lifestyle".

----
Edit: As for the off-topic brawling in someone's thread about a pending divorce - shame on you all. There is a time and a place to squabble, having the online equivalent of a bar fight in a thread about the end of someone's marriage sure as heck ain't it. :nono:
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Thinking about you, Ally.
 

crown1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Messages
1,682
Has anyone noted she has not been back to this thread in a while? Maybe she is staying quiet since it has generated a lot of posting on this thread and generated another? I sort of think from reading this and past posts that she comes to vent and get support not really get advice. Her privilege, what ever reason, it surely brought out lots of lurkers. Just my observation.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
I think she said her sister was getting married in five days. I'm guessing she might have a full plate at the moment ....
 
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