Maybe a Lady In Waiting?

[totallyfree]

Hi all, I've been a PS stalker for a few years and now I need some advice!!

I've been with my partner for about 4 years now. We've been talking about the future recently, the talks have transitioned from 'in the future' to 'when we get married' to 'our kids' so from my point of view the commitment is there. And this is where I need your advice: he's in the army and for the second time I'm about to leave my job and my friends to move with him - this time all the way across the country. While I don't need a proposal, per say, I do need some sort of commitment that no matter how hard it might get we'll work through it and that 'just breaking up' is no longer the easy way out. But hey, a proposal would be nice too :p

I've been looking at rings and diamonds and will definitely head over to Rocky Talk when the time comes to pick a stone (I'm thinking low colour - very warm, and high carat - 5?) but for now I need a little reassurance that men do eventually get there!

None of us want to be the ultimatum-giving gal, but I am making some significant sacrifices (again!) to make this relationship work and I wouldn't mind an indication from him that this relationship is for a long time, not just a good time!

Any advice, please!

 

[sparkle45]

Hi TF!

I don't think you're asking too much at ALL!! But I definitely think you can go about letting him know how you feel without "giving an ultimatum".

Some options:

Jokingly: "So, I'm leaving this job that pays _______, and all my friends (again), and moving _____ miles away, etc,etc.... just wondering, if anything special is waiting for me on the other side of the move. NUDGE* NUDGE* NUDGE*" If you say it right, in a fun moment, and actually nudge him, etc maybe that would take all the pressure off of him to reply seriously in that moment. It would more... be the first indication from you to him that you actually want a real commitment. In my experience with guys, if an idea wasn't THEIR idea, they need some no-pressure time to let it sink in and get used to it.

Romantic: Make him a special dinner, decorate all nice, etc, then just get all up in there, serious eyes and all. Gently bring up the "future and kids" conversation, then take it a little further. For instance, you could ask him how long he thinks it would be before the two of you could afford a ring/wedding/honeymoon. Or just the ring, if you wanna be real pointed. lol That way you can get him talking about a timeline to at least get inside his head a little and find out if he's even been THINKING about proposing. If he has, he'll probably be able to respond pretty quickly. If he shies away from answering, he either hasn't given it much thought yet ORRR he's in the midst of planning the proposal and wants to avoid the topic for that reason.

 

[pandabee]

Welcome! I think it is fair for you to at least ask that if you move across the country for him, you need to know whether he is also in this for the long haul. Even if your conversations trend that way, for us ladies we sometimes need to hear the actual words (so try to make sure he gets that).

I don't want to burst the bubble, but you are looking at 5ct rings? Even in low color, those do cost a pretty penny. Just want to make sure you know what kind of budget you need to work with! If that is the case, then I can't wait to see your ring

 

[sonnyjane]

I don't think you're off base at all. My husband is in the military. I've moved several times and it's a huge sacrifice on your part.

The only thing I do think you need to reevaluate is your ideal ring. 5ct is a pretty outlandish request of a soldier!

 

[sonnyjane]

I did want to come back and ask a follow-up question.... Does he talk about the marriage timeline at all? When he popped new orders and you found out he had to move, was it automatically assumed that you'd be moving with him, or was there a discussion about making that big choice - again? I moved with my husband across the country before we were married, but we knew that we'd be getting married after his next deployment so there was a definite end in sight. I don't think that asking for a timeline is out of line, especially since you've been together for four years. To be honest, after four years of dating and after LIVING TOGETHER, you should feel perfectly comfortable saying "so, when are we getting married?" If you DON'T feel comfortable saying that, then there is something amiss. Good luck.

 

[Julysnight]

Hi,

As the other ladies suggested, you should just ask. I think it is more than fair that after 4 years of dating and living together you would want to know where you stand. I only gave my SO a year before I asked him where we stood. You don't need to give an ultimatum, Just ask for a timeline. When I asked my SO for one he said he couldn't give me one, so my response was " I have too much self respect to wait around for something that may or may not happen, so perhaps you need some time alone to think about your future and how and if I fit in it" He didn't need much time to think, the very next day he was telling me he didn't want to be without me and was asking ME what my timeline was. I never had to give him an ultimatum. We are not engaged yet, and I'm not sure if he is planning to propose any time soon but I am sure he knows I'm not going to wait around indefinitely . I love him with all my heart and I feel lucky to have him in my life but he is just as lucky to have me in his too. Don't be scared to ask for what you deserve. I think by now you deserve to know where you stand.

 

[totallyfree]

Thank you for your replies and sorry for the delay - the boy has had laser eye surgery and I've been directing him around the house :p

When he was all doped up on drugs the nurse asked if I'd be a fiance next time she saw him (a bit cheeky, but well meaning) and he said that he hoped so!! He doesn't remember that day at all so I'm not going to bring it up but it sounds like I might not have to wait years after all

As for the ring, we've been very fortunate in money and I'm looking second hand at this stage. I absolutely want to see any diamond before we buy so it might be a bit of a long journey for the perfect stone :p I'm allergic to rhodium in my ears nowand have moved to yellow gold earrings, so I'm looking at a yellow or rose gold setting which has made me considered rubies as an alternate to a diamond - and I have no doubt the boy will go through diamond price shock lol!

As an extra surprise he attempted to smuggle my Christmas present into the house and I caught him looking guilty - so now it's hidden somewhere at home and I'm exercising some serious self control to stop going on a present hunt or checking the bank statement! I've never had a surprise present before (I don't really like surprises) so he's enjoying the suspense.

Have a very safe holiday to everyone and hopefully I can update you all on the present status after the 25th!

 

[totallyfree]

I had to share this: my ultimate-win-the-lottery-ring!!

http://www.paulbram.com.au/store/engagement-rings/the-monaco-ring-vl117.html