FSIL troubles...again

[arkieb1]

I am Sooooo glad this isn't the same person you went to all that trouble to find the stunning stone for. This one sounds very hard to please and I am glad you reminded her the day and whole thing is about you and your future husband not about her. I got the sense back when you had the size drama with the dresses she is very immature and this proves it. Move on, celebrate with gusto and your real friends if she missed out and then whines about that too then its tough luck for her!!!

 

[Niel]

I am Sooooo glad this isn't the same person you went to all that trouble to find the stunning stone for. This one sounds very hard to please and I am glad you reminded her the day and whole thing is about you and your future husband not about her. I got the sense back when you had the size drama with the dresses she is very immature and this proves it. Move on, celebrate with gusto and your real friends if she missed out and then whines about that too then its tough luck for her!!!

Yeah I love his brother. And i love his brother's girlfriend. I am so happy to help them any way i can because i know they will appreciate it, and makes me happy to do something for them. Like a normal person would do for family And i will love to have them in the family. Whats amazing is how different i feel about the men in his family vs the women. The men seems so welcoming and friendly, the women seem so selfish and distant. I dont know.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Doesn't sound like she wants to be in it. Not sure why you'd want her in it. Sure it sounds nice to have fsil in but it's way better to have loving supportive people, no?

 

[Niel]

Doesn't sound like she wants to be in it. Not sure why you'd want her in it. Sure it sounds nice to have fsil in but it's way better to have loving supportive people, no?

before FI and i were even engaged she asked him, in front of me, if she could be in our wedding. On his side of course. I had immediately blurted out no.. but walked it back by saying he has too many friends. If she was in his side I wouldnt have enough people to be on my side. So she asked us if she could be, essentially.

And the reason I asked her is because my FI asked me to. He knew I didnt want her in it, as she has done many unbelievably rude thing to me in the past (ive gone over it in other posts, wont dig deep into it again) He knew she would be upset and in his mind he thought she would cause more drama by NOT being in it than being in it. Thought it would subdue her.

 

[Niel]

thank you everyone who posted! I really appreciate absolutely everyones support! We have had arguments in the past that I have lost my cool , but this one I really hadnt. I could have, but its gotten to the point that I will just let her dig her own grave while i watch. No reason to help.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I agree 100% with Junebug's advice on the previous page. Every word.

In addition, I would suggest that you let your FI handle ALL communication from now on. Part of that arrangement, though, is that he does not pass along to you things she or his mother say! That sort of deafeats the purpose of him handling them, KWIM? It is hard for you and him not to talk about her, but part of setting boundaries and handling troublemaking family is that the related partner in the couple deals with the troublesome ones--- and it ends there! So he communicates with her and you just sit back about everything.

And also, you can't control how his family "sees" you. He can't either. If they decide that you are a bitch, so be it. Catering to a bratty ingrate is not how you want to start out your life togther!

 

[sonnyjane]

And also, you can't control how his family "sees" you. He can't either. If they decide that you are a bitch, so be it. Catering to a bratty ingrate is not how you want to start out your life togther!

Yeah. I'd rather be a bitch in the eyes of others than be a pushover in my own.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I agree with Dreamer and Sonny. This is your day and it needs to be how you envision it. I am so glad your FI is up to the task of kicking her out if need be. That says a lot about him. It is your memories not hers feelings that are in question here. Please don't cater to someone so spoiled and selfish only to regret it later. Sometimes keeping the peace is not the right thing. Letting her get away with that kind of behavior just sets you up for many more problems later. Make your day and your bachlorette party exactly as you see it. It sound fun, I don't know why she would want to miss it!

 

[kenny]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

This. This. 1,000 times this. I know it's "complicated", but by keeping her in your party, you're ensuring that you have drama and egg-shell-walking moments up to and including your wedding day.

My Fi does not want me to throw her out. Not because he doesnt want her out, but because he knows ill be painted the villain in his families eye.
His family doesnt ever do anything to temper her selfish tendencies.
Havent as long as ive been around, and from what my FI tells me, sense forever. Hes concerned ill be forever painted as the B*** because they will chalk it up to "oh shes just being typical her."

So just marry this guy and turn yourself her doormat because this spoiled brat, and the family that created and nurtures her behavior, is more important to him than you are and he doesn't even see it.
Great.
Can you say, Red Flag?

I strongly feel NOW, before you marry this man and his family, is the time to take a stand.
Tell your fiancé, it's you or her.
He must chose whom is more important, you or his sister.
Only then can you decide whether to marry him, because now it is like he is already married.

Marring a man who does not put you first is a recipe for a very unhappy life.

Being seen as a villain by a family capable of this crap is actually a compliment.

 

[Niel]

Her family meaning the rest of her family... FI doesnt put up with her. Like i said, hes the one who called her and told her she was treating me poorly, also hes the one ready to kick her out of the wedding.

I have no question my FI puts me first, he just does it in the way he feels best for our entire family long term.

 

[Autumnovember]

This would be the time you put het on your pay no mind list. Let her be. Enjoy your bachelorette party and more importantly enjoy your wedding. This is one of those times in your life that you should be nothing but happy... don't allow this childish behavior taint that no matter how hard it will be at times. I would no longer say anything to her about this bachelorette, she either comes to it or doesn't, thats it.

 

[ckrickett]

Her family meaning the rest of her family... FI doesnt put up with her. Like i said, hes the one who called her and told her she was treating me poorly, also hes the one ready to kick her out of the wedding.

I have no question my FI puts me first, he just does it in the way he feels best for our entire family long term.

I think it is great that he supports you, that is terribly important. I do understand the juggling act though. Dealing with weird families are really tough. I do hope it works out. Keep us posted.

 

[msop04]

This would be the time you put het on your pay no mind list. Let her be. Enjoy your bachelorette party and more importantly enjoy your wedding. This is one of those times in your life that you should be nothing but happy... don't allow this childish behavior taint that no matter how hard it will be at times. I would no longer say anything to her about this bachelorette, she either comes to it or doesn't, thats it.

I agree with Autumnovember... don't even mention the bachelorette party again -- she knows the date and time. She also just wants to argue and act an a**. Let her stew on whether or not she'll come, and try your very best not to let her immature actions have any more hold on you than they already do. This woman does not deserve to occupy your brain space. At all.

Good luck, Niel.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay, your sister is in charge of your party, right? So, really, I would imagine your FSIL can attend both your party and the Halloween party, right? Why not just tell her that you'd love to have her there but she's free to do both in one night. At a recent shower I was at, a gal left early b/c she had been invited to three showers on the same day and the guest-of-honor understood. It's not like people don't get invited to multiple events the same night. There is also no reason your FSIL should stay the whole time if she is fussy because realistically, it might just not be something you wanna deal with, right? You want to have fun! Figure out a way to have her participate, then send her on her way to the other party and you and your friends/family who remain will have a great time.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

It's a crazy rule that we have to keep up relationships with relatives who treat us like sh*t. Kenny has suggested, you can kick the woman out of your life...I would say take a break for a few years and see if things change. Maybe she'll mature. If not, then you know it was not meant to be. I had to do this with toxic relatives and took a break and then tried again and you know, NONE of them changed. Now, my husband is dealing with the same learning curve. We're all over the place with various relatives...the heart breaker is his younger sister has become anti-kids, so if it's a ladies night, she's okay, but if she has to be around her nephews or go to a baby shower, she doesn't respond to text messages. I wasn't sure if it was us or not, but then was invited to a girls' event (baby shower that wasn't part of my family but was part of the SILs) and everyone except her showed up so I know it's HER, not me, or my kids. So, look at your situation the same...it's the FSIL, not you, your friends, future marriage, or even the Halloween party...the FSIL has issues... Just let her go do her thing and YOU have an awesome party.

 

[minousbijoux]

I really wouldn't stress over it. You can keep it simple and not engage in the drama if you choose not to. Tell her it was the date you chose and that's that. She can choose to go to either one or both. End of story. She can only drag you down if you let her. My own sister chose not to go to my bachelorette party (about 20 years ago), but in the grand scheme of things, do you think it matters? Heck no. I recall feeling slightly irritated that she didn't go, but then life goes on and you realize how little those sorts of things matter in the big picture.

I could not have said it better - it seems that you are getting caught up in the drama yourself! If I were you and soon to be married, I'd be enjoying it and spending my time doing fun things that make me happy instead of getting pulled into her world.

 

[lknvrb4]

I am so sorry, she sounds like a real pain. She is being very selfish for sure. It is your "day" you do it how you want to do it.

 

[momhappy]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

This. This. 1,000 times this. I know it's "complicated", but by keeping her in your party, you're ensuring that you have drama and egg-shell-walking moments up to and including your wedding day.

My Fi does not want me to throw her out. Not because he doesnt want her out, but because he knows ill be painted the villain in his families eye.
His family doesnt ever do anything to temper her selfish tendencies.
Havent as long as ive been around, and from what my FI tells me, sense forever. Hes concerned ill be forever painted as the B*** because they will chalk it up to "oh shes just being typical her."

So just marry this guy and turn yourself her doormat because this spoiled brat, and the family that created and nurtures her behavior, is more important to him than you are and he doesn't even see it.
Great.
Can you say, Red Flag?

I strongly feel NOW, before you marry this man and his family, is the time to take a stand.
Tell your fiancé, it's you or her.
He must chose whom is more important, you or his sister.
Only then can you decide whether to marry him, because now it is like he is already married.

Marring a man who does not put you first is a recipe for a very unhappy life.

Being seen as a villain by a family capable of this crap is actually a compliment.

I disagree with this. I don't feel the situation is serious enough to stir up some her-or-me ultimatum. There are lots of issues that might warrant a deal-breaker in a marriage (drug addiction, cheating, lying, etc.), but a difficult SIL is not one of them (at least in my book). Everyone has family drama of one sort or another. How you choose feed into it is up to you. When you marry someone, you become a part of their family - for good or bad. I think that learning how to cope effectively is far more productive than giving your fiancé an ultimatum. Saying "her or me" is not at all fair and will likely cause more drama. This is not to say that you need to be a doormat to a spoiled brat. You are all adults and I'm sure that there are ways to cope. When she rears her ugly head, you can firmly, but politely, stand firm.
I have mentioned before that I have a horrible SIL. She is in her 40's and literally acts like a 16 year-old girl. Does it bother me? Of course, but only as much as I let it. She tries to control and monopolize everything and if it doesn't fit with the needs/wants of me and my family, then I politely stand my ground and let her do her thing (which always involves crying, pouting, berating me to anyone who will listen to her woe-is-me stories, etc.). It can be difficult at times, but its certainly not a "red flag" or a deal-breaker in my marriage. In the grand scheme of things, it's pretty minor actually. Marriage/relationships are about working things out. Not ultimatums (unless something far more serious is going on).

 

[movie zombie]

I see i'm not alone in thinking your fiancé should now do all communications with her.
I hope you make sure he does just that.
a simple, 'gee, honey, your mom said x,y,z today and it seems your sister has some issues/questions/ideas that she needs to communicate to you'........

no further communication with her at all would seem to be a recipe for success in that when you do as stated above "you are pulled into her world" and out of yours.

and personally I wouldn't care what the future in-laws think.........if they are enablers then they are enablers. you won't change that. you can remove yourself from the equation and let your fiancé handle it.

if he has to handle it enough perhaps he'll tell is sister she's out!
and maybe just maybe he needs to tell her she's crossed a line already and that if she does it again she's out.

there are books re Toxic In-Laws that I think you may want to read......most do talk about removing yourself from the equation. just 'cause you marry into a family doesn't mean you have to part of the disfunction.

 

[momhappy]

^While I agree that you don't have to participate, even removing yourself from the equation is still "participating" on some level. I pretty much remove myself from interactions with my SIL, but inevitably, there are times when we are in the same room together. It takes some effort on my part to keep myself removed, which is far better than the alternative of getting caught up in the drama. I'm polite and courteous - not overly chatty because that would just be fake. I stand firm when she steps on my toes and for the most part, my husband handles interactions with her (and usually ends up taking the brunt of her wrath, which is part of the consequences of removing myself from the equation).
Marrying into a family means that there will always be some level of family dynamics to participate in. No family is perfect. There has been a lot of good advice given here and I agree that limiting your interactions with SIL is wise. It's definitely a difficult situation and one that many of us have to deal with. One of the best things that my husband and I ever did was moved away. Family politics/drama is SO much easier to deal with when it's not in your face all the time

 

[distracts]

Well like I said I haven't said a thing to her sense she blew up. Plan not to. Your right I shouldn't engage her. But I have to talk to her as it will cause friction if I do nothing till the wedding. KWIM?

You're not the one causing friction. SHE is the one causing friction. Don't talk to her. Don't let it get to you. Have your fiance do any necessary communication with his family. If they say "but Niel isn't talking to Bitch," he just needs to reply that Bitch was making Niel feel unwelcome and HE decided that you would not talk to her until she apologized and behaved herself. YOU had nothing to do with this decision but HE doesn't want to risk his family stressing you out before the wedding by behaving like asshats to you. He should also express how hurt HE is that HIS SISTER obviously doesn't want to be in the wedding. Doesn't matter what his parents/sister say - he just needs to keep repeating those points and not engage with any of their comebacks.

It's a crazy rule that we have to keep up relationships with relatives who treat us like sh*t. Kenny has suggested, you can kick the woman out of your life...I would say take a break for a few years and see if things change.

Yep. If they're toxic... chop chop. I ain't got no time for that.

 

[Niel]

.... thanks everybody.


FI just got a text from his mother saying he should keep out of it. I'm about to roll my eyes back into my brain!

Still haven't heard anything from SIL.

I'm taking everyone's advice in. Haven't decided what I'm doing so currently I'm just ignoring her. I I don't here a sincere apology soon there might be more action taken.

 

[momhappy]

^Why not lower your expectations of her? Lowering your expectations means that you will no longer let down/upset by her. If you expect that she will act like a spoiled brat, then she's meeting your expectations and you can just roll with it. If you expect things (like an apology for example), then you will be let down when you don't hear one (and I'm going to guess that she is not going to apologize). People don't apologize for things that they don't accept blame for. In her mind, she offered to "help" with the party and she let it be known that she had plans on a particular date. You chose that date anyways (because you had every right to) and she felt hurt/wronged by that. No matter how much you try to minimize her plans (the "annual kegger" as some of have called it), it was still her plans and therefore important to her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending her behavior/actions in any way - I agree 100% that she's acting like a spoiled brat. However, I'm simply trying to get you to see the situation as it may exist in her eyes/mind, which might explain why you probably won't be getting an apology any time soon.
I expect that I will go through life and my SIL will always act like a complete jerk. That way, I'm not surprised or angered by her typical actions/behaviors. I've even gotten to the point where I almost laugh it off. We went on vacation this past summer and she was there. On one of the vacation days she tried to get everyone to engage in her plan, but many of us didn't want to. When things didn't go her way, she started crying in the parking lot of a restaurant. I looked over, walked away, got in the car, and left. Not worth it. Her problem, not mine. It was exactly how I expected her to act/behave on vacation, so I was able to tolerate it much easier.

 

[tammy77]

.... thanks everybody.


FI just got a text from his mother saying he should keep out of it. I'm about to roll my eyes back into my brain!

Still haven't heard anything from SIL.

I'm taking everyone's advice in. Haven't decided what I'm doing so currently I'm just ignoring her. I I don't here a sincere apology soon there might be more action taken.

FI should send one right back at her saying his mom should heed her own advice and stay out of it herself! Keep to the high road but don't be a doormat. She sounds like a spoiled brat and her mom is a total enabler. Princess can wait her turn, this is YOUR wedding!

Seriously though, it really is important that his mom learn boundaries too. It's completely inappropriate for the FSIL to complain to FMIL and gang up on you, yet send your FI texts saying to stay out of it. He's just leveling the field and trying to diffuse the situation because it's his family...and show unity of the two of you. I think it's really great that your FI is doing this now. You have a keeper!

 

[armywife13]

Having read this and your previous threads about issues with her, I am not sure why you are feeding into it. Like I said in the thread about the bridesmaid dresses, you either need to bend and do what she wants to stop her whining or do what you want and ignore her whining. Plain and simple. Figure out if you want to stand up for yourself and do what you want, or change your plans to cater to her. It appears that this is going to be a lifelong battle with her, so you need to stop complaining about the hand life has dealt you and just decide how you are going to handle her from here on out.

 

[Niel]

Having read this and your previous threads about issues with her, I am not sure why you are feeding into it. Like I said in the thread about the bridesmaid dresses, you either need to bend and do what she wants to stop her whining or do what you want and ignore her whining. Plain and simple. Figure out if you want to stand up for yourself and do what you want, or change your plans to cater to her. It appears that this is going to be a lifelong battle with her, so you need to stop complaining about the hand life has dealt you and just decide how you are going to handle her from here on out.

I don't consider addressing my frustration to a group of people who's opinions I value complaining. And you see this as black and white while I do believe its a very muddled shade of grey.
.
My current solution and what I think we will do goes like this. My FI has plans to talk to her again. Tell her that a wedding parry is meant to be loving and supportive of the bride/groom on their big day. Suppose to be happy about the union of these two people and willing to be there for the person. If she can be supportive of us or the wedding she needs to reconsider bring in it.


Let her take it from there.

 

[msop04]

I don't consider addressing my frustration to a group of people who's opinions I value complaining. And you see this as black and white while I do believe its a very muddled shade of grey.
.
My current solution and what I think we will do goes like this. My FI has plans to talk to her again. Tell her that a wedding party is meant to be loving and supportive of the bride/groom on their big day. Suppose to be happy about the union of these two people and willing to be there for the person. If she can't be supportive of us or the wedding she needs to reconsider being in it.

Let her take it from there.

I understand what you mean, Niel... nothing is ever black and white when dealing with family. And I think this is the absolute best way to handle it -- by letting DF do it!!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

As someone in a cross cultural marriage, I can definitely understand a lot of the shades of grey, not only do we have two families in my case, we have two entirely different frameworks for how to understand the concept of family, oy. I've often had to play go between between my family and my hubby, and while on the surface it's easy to say "well why do you put up with your parent's drama/nonsense/childishness" etc, it's hard to understand the intricacies in each family and the dynamics of what's been their normal for what is likely a very long time. I also have a difficult SIL, but luckily for me, hubby and his family are all in agreement that she's ridiculous, she also made some random demands regarding my wedding, and while I found her attitude ridiculous for a grown woman, I realized that some battles aren't worth fighting. I don't mean give in, I just mean it's not worth a fight, lol.

When I find myself getting fed up, I think of her as a 3 year old (which she basically act like). When an adult engages in a real "argument" with a 3 year old, it's pointless. So I just smile at her and nod, and pretend she's a toddler, I treat her like a toddler and set clear boundaries and keep my calm and make it clear that when it comes to certain decisions, I am the authority (and the adult).
So far it's worked, she threw a few tantrums early on, but it didn't change my behavior so she stopped putting in the effort, in fact I think she sort of likes me now, haha.

Anyways, it sounds like you did all the right things in being calm and clear in your message. The party will be on this date, it's what works best for most people, sorry if it conflicts with her other plan, you would love to have her attend but she is free to choose which party she would like to go to. And then I wouldn't bother having to explain to her why it's on that date any further, it will just give her more things to retort or misinterpret, I would just keep copying and pasting that same phrase until she either understands or gets tired of beating a clearly dead horse.

 

[momma2boys]

Hi, Niel - this is my first post on Hangout...I just want to say that NO ONE should bring any negativity to one of the most special times of your life. I think it's really hard for some people to put themselves aside for the happiness of someone else. And it really sounds like you are trying to compromise but it's all or nothing for her. It's not your fault that she is seeing things from only her perspective.

Keep us posted, I hope you can work this out soon (meaning, I hope she apologizes soon) so that you can move on from this and focus on more happy things like you should be during this time!

 

[monarch64]

Niel. It really stinks that you are dealing with this; I'm so sorry.

When I read things like your post here, I always wonder if anyone involved considers how this will affect everything involving family later on. Like, if you have children, and she's the aunt, will you even remember or care (or will she?) about the bachelorette party? I understand that she's probably hurt you deeply with her behavior. But how will you deal with her later in life?

Do you think she will really muck up your wedding? Does she have a good relationship with your brother? I haven't read your other threads about her, sorry to say. It sounds like they have an ok relationship, but she is maybe upset to be "losing" her brother? Are they very close?

i only have one other sibling, my brother, who is 4 years older. We were quite close growing up, until he turned 16 and started driving and dating. I really hated every girl he went out with. I was very angry because he wasn't "mine" anymore. (This subsided when I turned 16 myself and started dating, of course!) I wonder if she is stuck in the mindset I was... while it isn't healthy, it is a point to ponder.

You said her family has never done anything to make her stop her bad behavior. What do you think they should do? You know, you really can't control what's already happened. You can only control your own behavior towards her.

I guess what I'm saying is you're going to HAVE to be the bigger/better person here. It sucks, but that just seems to be the way it is.

Someone else said either give her her way aka back down, or tell her she has to do it your way. I'm not sure that's the best thing to do. I wonder if you can't hang out with her soon and have it out, if you have to have words, so be it. Maybe you could come to some sort of compromise? You're going to be her sister-in-law, too. You'll have a lot of family holidays/occasions when you have to deal with her, and she, you. You know?