I could use some advice please, ladies.

[BonnyLass]

Hello Everyone,
I've been lurking here for a while and thought I'd seek your views on some things I've noticed about my relationship. I'm 33, he's 31, and we've been together for 13 months and LIWitis has set in.

Here's the deal: we have different styles when it comes to communicating and emotion. He took forever to tell me he loved me (at nearly the year mark) and he hasn't said it since. He's the type of guy where less is more- he's not effusive with emotion or communication. We've had talks about our different styles and he said that just because he doesn't emote much doesn't mean he doesn't care for me.

Not surprisingly, I've been the one to initiate these rare conversations because I've felt my needs aren't being met. I'm not at all a gold digger and truly believe that the thought matters most- aside from paying for most dates when we go out, he's never given me a gift. Before our 1 year anni I was hoping he'd bring it up, but he didn't, so I said I'd like for us to at least acknowledge it with a toast or something when the time comes. Nothing happened.

Of course I'm highlighting here the worst part of the relationship for me- we have great times and do discuss emotional things, but he hasn't brought up the future. Aside from asking, while drunk, what kind of wedding I'd want when we were discussing a wedding we had attended, he hasn't said anything. At 33 I don't want to waste my time, yet the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that, for me, being completely up front all the time and being the main instigator of relationships has worked against me. I know we are all different but the book The Rules was a revelation for me- it's about letting him take the lead in the relationship in the beginning because guys and girls are fundamentally different. This is a huge oversimplification, but I think we don't realize how little things we do or bring up scrare the hell out of them and actually push them further away from us. Because of this, I've really held back and have been more relaxed. I know I'd like to marry him, but is he giving me signs that he's not really wanting to progress, or because he's naturally so slow and takes his time is he still in the game?

I'm sorry this was so long but I'm keen to hear your viewpoints and experiences pertaining to this! Thanks!

 

[misscuppycake]

I'd like to start by saying that my boyfriend and I also did not say I love you until the one year mark and we rarely say it now, but it certainly doesn't mean we don't have strong feelings for one another. Some people are simply not brought up to express their emotions so freely; as long as he is showing love in other ways, I think that's perfectly acceptable.

However, I am a strong believer in the idea that if you're not satisfied (in any way) in a relationship, you have to say something. Communication is key and no matter what kind of personality the other person has, speaking up is the only way to make a change. It might surprise you AND him. I find that with guys, sometimes they don't even realize there's a problem until it is clearly and blatantly brought to their attention. So I think if you put it all on the table, no matter what he says or how he responds, at least you won't be in a mental "limbo" anymore. You deserve to know how what his take on all of this is, especially if you see yourself having a long term future with him.

 

[lkc84]

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this. I cosign what misscuppycake said. Communication is key, and if something is bothering you, you need to speak up. I think the pushing away happens when women (or men, it can go both ways!) continually go on and on about an issue, which it sounds like you definitely don't do. So bring up what is bothering you and make sure he knows it's really important to you, let him respond, and then see what happens. A lot of times men hear you even if you think they don't, and a lot of times will take steps to fix it. They just have to know the problem. I speak from experience, I have been with a man who doesn't emote much for almost 8 years.

After a year, in your 30s, I think it's totally fair to have a "where do we stand" conversation. Calmly ask him, and see what he says. At least that way you'll have the information and can use it to decide what you want to do.

Good luck!

 

[fabulousfindk]

I feel for you! My SO is not always a big talker. I am the type to want to hash it all out right then and there if I'm upset about something, but sometimes SO needs a day to think about things and then will want to continue the conversation once he's had a chance to get his thoughts together.

What if you tried writing him a letter or email and asked him to write you back? Would that be easier than talking? Or tell him how important it is to you that you communicate about the status and goals of the relationship, and then leave the ball in his court as far as starting the conversation?

 

[AmeliaG]

I think 'The Rules' work to attract a certain type of guy. One who's comfortable taking the initiative and knows what he wants rather quickly and acts on it. Some women think this type of man is too controlling. It looks like you attracted another type of guy so I don't know if 'The Rukes' will work for you.

 

[boysenberry]

I haven't read The Rules, but I find it hard to take those things seriously because they just seem like excuses for guys to be a-holes. Ok it may be against their "nature" (evolutionarily speaking) to settle down or be with a strong woman, but that's no reason for you/us to tip-toe around them when our needs aren't met. It may be against his nature to emote and listen to your feelings, but it is part of being a reasonable mature adult to have honest conversations about your relationship, and it's not like you are asking for this kind of heart to heart every week.

With SO, I have always been ready for the next step first (saying I love you, discussing moving in, talking marriage) and although I feared that my perceived aggressiveness would drive him away (and at times it seemed he was reluctant), I think our relationship is healthier because we were able to talk it out. He has even said that he is better off because I "forced" (joke) him into those things. Not that he wasn't ready or didn't care about me, but he was just more prone to inertia and didn't naturally think about next steps. My point is, inertia doesn't equal lack of caring or a fundamental need to be the one in charge. If you know that you want more, you should be allowed to have an adult conversation about it. Good luck!

 

[sonnyjane]

Oh dear. I have a few friends that follow "The Rules" religiously and they are all in their mid-30's and still single. I agree with the PP in that "The Rules" work on a very specific guy if you're a very specific girl, but for most relationships, it's just bogus.

You said that you're disappointed that he has never bought you a gift, but have you ever asked for one? I know that my husband isn't the type to go out and surprise me - and for that I'm actually kind of thankful. Instead he will ask "What do you want for Christmas?" for example. If I say nothing, I really mean nothing. If I say "these Marc Jacobs sunglasses" (last year's gift), he will get me said sunglasses. The key to communicating with men is not to beat around the bush or play games or hope that they will read your mind. You need to be direct, and as has been said already, a year into your relationship when you're both in your 30's means that you are perfectly justified in having a clear discussion about this. If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up and he isn't responsive, then you probably aren't a good fit.

If you really would like to turn to a book for relationship advice, even though it's become a bit of a joke, the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is really eye-opening. Men will do whatever they need to whenever they need to in order to get what they want. If he's not making forward progress, it's because he doesn't want to. With my husband, we never had to have any big talks or "where do you see this going?" discussions. We were always on a very clear path toward marriage (dated 18 months, moved in together for 6 months, got engaged, and married 6 months after that). It took no convincing on my part, nor do I think something like marriage should take convincing. A man will either be into it, or not into it (at least not yet), and there's not much you can do to change that.

I'd sit down for the big talk and if you don't like the answer, you probably know what you need to do for yourself.

 

[boysenberry]

You said that you're disappointed that he has never bought you a gift, but have you ever asked for one? I know that my husband isn't the type to go out and surprise me - and for that I'm actually kind of thankful. Instead he will ask "What do you want for Christmas?" for example. If I say nothing, I really mean nothing. If I say "these Marc Jacobs sunglasses" (last year's gift), he will get me said sunglasses. The key to communicating with men is not to beat around the bush or play games or hope that they will read your mind.

Haha this is me too - I just ask for specific things and I get them. But then I decided that I was ruining surprises for myself, so I specifically asked to be surprised. We'll see whether this backfires on me :p

 

[sonnyjane]

You said that you're disappointed that he has never bought you a gift, but have you ever asked for one? I know that my husband isn't the type to go out and surprise me - and for that I'm actually kind of thankful. Instead he will ask "What do you want for Christmas?" for example. If I say nothing, I really mean nothing. If I say "these Marc Jacobs sunglasses" (last year's gift), he will get me said sunglasses. The key to communicating with men is not to beat around the bush or play games or hope that they will read your mind.

Haha this is me too - I just ask for specific things and I get them. But then I decided that I was ruining surprises for myself, so I specifically asked to be surprised. We'll see whether this backfires on me :p

I enacted that policy after I was gifted a very, very, very, very, very crappy pair of studs from a mall that he spent entirely too much money on. Surprises are great - he will surprise me by bringing home a burrito for me for dinner or by cleaning the house while I'm at work, etc., but to spend $1,000 on something that is a) ugly and b) overpriced by about $800 is unbearable for me!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

You need to read The Five Love Languages. Not everyone expresses their love the same way, but knowing how you want love expressed to you and how your SO wants love expressed to him..it is a huge eye-opener! If you need words of affirmation and he isn't giving that to you, then there is no way you're going to feel completely fulfilled with him just sitting around saying nothing.

About the gifts thing; I actually had this conversation with DH early on in our relationship. I am a gift giver. I like to buy him random clothes and things that I know he will like. In the beginning, I was doing all the giving and while I don't need any large gifts, I told him it would be nice if he thought about me every now and then and bought me some lip gloss or a book that I mentioned or something to show he was paying attention when I talked about stuff. It wasn't the things that I was after, but the gesture. And you know what, he listened!! Now, DH is the very best gift giver ever! (Like, he will hold on to things that I mentioned 6 months ago and surprise me right out of the blue!) But I can tell you what, if I never would have mentioned anything, he wouldn't have thought about it on his own. Not because he isn't thoughtful, but because his idea of thoughtful is doing the dishes and not buying me a purse lol And I know that if I want to surprise him with a nice gesture, I will do the dishes or clean the house. You have to know your partner and it sounds like you just need to sit down and have a good conversation about it. If you SO isn't interested in having a meaningful and deep conversation about your future, then you might want to consider if you even want a future with him in the first place.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

My DH seems to live by the rule--always implied but never stated.

He asked me to marry him, to which I replied, "You know, you've never told me you loved me". He looked at me with incredulity--he thought he had, and acted the role, but never, actually, stated the same.

Sometimes I think it comes as a surpirse to men, that implied isn't actually stated. We all need verbal confirmations and validations, it is part of relationships and communication.

cheers--Sharon

 

[boysenberry]

About the gifts thing; I actually had this conversation with DH early on in our relationship. I am a gift giver. I like to buy him random clothes and things that I know he will like. In the beginning, I was doing all the giving and while I don't need any large gifts, I told him it would be nice if he thought about me every now and then and bought me some lip gloss or a book that I mentioned or something to show he was paying attention when I talked about stuff. It wasn't the things that I was after, but the gesture. And you know what, he listened!! Now, DH is the very best gift giver ever! (Like, he will hold on to things that I mentioned 6 months ago and surprise me right out of the blue!) But I can tell you what, if I never would have mentioned anything, he wouldn't have thought about it on his own. Not because he isn't thoughtful, but because his idea of thoughtful is doing the dishes and not buying me a purse lol And I know that if I want to surprise him with a nice gesture, I will do the dishes or clean the house. You have to know your partner and it sounds like you just need to sit down and have a good conversation about it. If you SO isn't interested in having a meaningful and deep conversation about your future, then you might want to consider if you even want a future with him in the first place.

I recently read this article and sent it to SO:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/02/opinion/sunday/new-love-a-short-shelf-life.html
I basically felt the same, that I was always buying him lots of little thoughtful gifts but wasn't getting anything like that. I said I didn't want anything expensive, but I just wanted him to pay attention and remember what I say and surprise me with little things. The article I linked mentions how being on the receiving end of a surprise has longer lasting emotional benefits than being on the giving end. SO took that to heart and now will try to give me small gifts too. I wasn't sure whether telling him to do that would work (ie. what if he's just not a gift giving type of person) but your story gives me great hope

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Boysenberry - Yeah. DH definitely became an awesome gifter! It isn't daily or weekly or anything, but he is just the best and really knows me to get the things he knows I will like. About 2 days after we had the initial talk, he came to my house with a new purse (we found it the week before in a store while walking downtown), the first three books in a series I mentioned LOVING but not owning and a video game (ok, that one was a miss, but it was a HP video game, so he tried!). WAY more than expected and super appreciated. I try to appreciate the stuff that he does (like the dishes and random household stuff) too, so he knows it isn't just material things. He is the best!

 

[JulieN]

My bf is like this. I would say get out if you feel like walking. I'm with mine because I love him to bits and pieces, a catchall excuse for women who do stupid things.

Communication about my wants and needs have not worked. I was very nice about it, too.

 

[madelise]

You need to read The Five Love Languages. Not everyone expresses their love the same way, but knowing how you want love expressed to you and how your SO wants love expressed to him..it is a huge eye-opener! If you need words of affirmation and he isn't giving that to you, then there is no way you're going to feel completely fulfilled with him just sitting around saying nothing.

About the gifts thing; I actually had this conversation with DH early on in our relationship. I am a gift giver. I like to buy him random clothes and things that I know he will like. In the beginning, I was doing all the giving and while I don't need any large gifts, I told him it would be nice if he thought about me every now and then and bought me some lip gloss or a book that I mentioned or something to show he was paying attention when I talked about stuff. It wasn't the things that I was after, but the gesture. And you know what, he listened!! Now, DH is the very best gift giver ever! (Like, he will hold on to things that I mentioned 6 months ago and surprise me right out of the blue!) But I can tell you what, if I never would have mentioned anything, he wouldn't have thought about it on his own. Not because he isn't thoughtful, but because his idea of thoughtful is doing the dishes and not buying me a purse lol And I know that if I want to surprise him with a nice gesture, I will do the dishes or clean the house. You have to know your partner and it sounds like you just need to sit down and have a good conversation about it. If you SO isn't interested in having a meaningful and deep conversation about your future, then you might want to consider if you even want a future with him in the first place.

I have not read through this whole thread of responses, but yes! I was going to post when I first saw this thread on my phone. Buy the 5 Languages of Love! Even if you can't get your SO to read it, read it yourself to get a perspective into your SO's character. I had a lot of issues with feeling like my SO didn't love me because I am the type to need constant reminders and reassurances. I'm like Dory from Finding Nemo. If you tell me you loved me one week ago, I won't remember it today. The 5 Languages helped me realize that that's just how *I* am, but it doesn't mean that everyone needs to cater to me. I was able to tell SO about this, and guess what? Our fights over me feeling like he wasn't trying? Dramatically reduced. Because now I know myself better. And now he knows me better. He sends me more small reminders, and I'm conscious about my shortcomings. If I can recommend any book for any couple, it's that book. If you don't want to buy the book yet, you can use their website to take a quiz, and they will give you some info about what type of "lover" you are.

And girl, talk to him already! It's one thing when you're 20, and have time on your side.. And another when you're not. I know a 40 year old woman who's been with her boyfriend for 15 years. He doesn't want to marry, and never talks about marriage. She keeps hanging on, hoping one day he'd propose. I wince. You gotta stay true to your sense of self. What were your life goals you set for yourself? If it includes getting married, and having children, or whatever.. You need to talk it out with him and tell him that those are non-negotiables. Please don't become that lady I know. I wish I had the balls to tell her to move on for the sake of herself, but the longer it drags, the more sensitive of a subject it becomes.

Oh one more thing. Don't live your life a certain way because a book says to. Ever. What works for one, or some, may not work for all. They're great references for strength and ideas, but it's never a good idea to let any book run your life. It is, after all, your life.

 

[LaraOnline]

I would say try to meet and date others.
It pains me to say this, as you have ALREADY invested in this guy, and are basically waiting for him to honour a commitment you have already made. Is that right? Would you say 'yes' in an instant?

The reason I ask this is from my own observation and experience, it seems we often tell ourselves we want marriage with a man who really is not the right one...whether that be because he is not stepping up, or because he is really not good marriage material etc etc.
I personally have wasted a great deal of integrity and upset over a guy (or two *cough*) that was actually a pretty hopeless choice and was really just taking his time waiting for me to work all that out for myself!
Is your guy waiting for you to work it all out by yourself?

The guy it really REALLY felt right with was the guy who 'snapped me up'. He didn't leave me hanging, he didn't let me cool my heels for years and years...six months in and BAM. It felt really right.

I was your age - okay, 31. He was 34/35. We were engaged a year, but set the date the day he proposed.

We are grown-ups at 30 or so. By that age, smart guys know what they want. Or they should do, if they want you!
And if they don't know, in my view it is likely that they don't....want....

Some men seem determined to carry on as 'carefree bachelors' as long as possible though.
In that case, go find another one.

My sister is being wined and dined by a 50-year-old at the moment. Lawyer, travelled a lot, one very short, failed marriage a long long time ago.
He's lovely. He's talking 'building her a beautiful home and loving her forever'. They've been officially dating a couple of months.

Do you think you can handle a real man? lol Because that's what you deserve.

Erk, sorry if this seems harsh or even mean. I was once in your shoes. I wish I'd been encouraged to date, rather than stay and cool my heels, it was painful and against my best interests. So make of this entry what you will. In the least case, you need to shake up your life a bit...find a new hobby...salsa??

Lots of love, Lara

 

[madelise]

I would say try to meet and date others.
It pains me to say this, as you have ALREADY invested in this guy, and are basically waiting for him to honour a commitment you have already made. Is that right? Would you say 'yes' in an instant?

The reason I ask this is from my own observation and experience, it seems we often tell ourselves we want marriage with a man who really is not the right one...whether that be because he is not stepping up, or because he is really not good marriage material etc etc.
I personally have wasted a great deal of integrity and upset over a guy (or two *cough*) that was actually a pretty hopeless choice and was really just taking his time waiting for me to work all that out for myself!
Is your guy waiting for you to work it all out by yourself?

The guy it really REALLY felt right with was the guy who 'snapped me up'. He didn't leave me hanging, he didn't let me cool my heels for years and years...six months in and BAM. It felt really right.

I was your age - okay, 31. He was 34/35. We were engaged a year, but set the date the day he proposed.

We are grown-ups at 30 or so. By that age, smart guys know what they want. Or they should do, if they want you!
And if they don't know, in my view it is likely that they don't....want....

Some men seem determined to carry on as 'carefree bachelors' as long as possible though.
In that case, go find another one.

My sister is being wined and dined by a 50-year-old at the moment. Lawyer, travelled a lot, one very short, failed marriage a long long time ago.
He's lovely. He's talking 'building her a beautiful home and loving her forever'. They've been officially dating a couple of months.

Do you think you can handle a real man? lol Because that's what you deserve.

Erk, sorry if this seems harsh or even mean. I was once in your shoes. I wish I'd been encouraged to date, rather than stay and cool my heels, it was painful and against my best interests. So make of this entry what you will. In the least case, you need to shake up your life a bit...find a new hobby...salsa??

Lots of love, Lara

I love this, Lara. Not just for OP, but for a lot of women and ladies in waiting. I hate it when guys string gals along, because it's the "modern" thing to do. BS nervousness over commitment. Are you not committed already? If you're not.. well I guess you won't mind if we ladies go out on dates with other guys then! Going to get pissed off? Then man the heck up, and step up to the plate.

I hate how society portays a woman being strong in her wants = a woman stepping on his toes, giving ultimatums or whatever. How about the endless amounts of men who have women waiting forever and a day for them?

 

[pandabee]

It took us a year to tell each other "I love you" as well. How do you think he would respond to you giving him a sort of ultimatum? Ultimatums only work if you are focusing it on what you want, not what will happen to him if he does/doesn't do something. And you have to actually be willing to follow through with it. But before it comes to that, see if you can talk and see where you can meet in the middle...hopefully he can see that it is important to you and won't brush it aside that way.

 

[BonnyLass]

Everyone, thank you so much for your thoughful and thorough replies!

You all have excellent points. I should clarify how I feel The Rules have helped me and why I was attracted to the concept- someone posted about He's Just Not That Into You as being valuable for seeing how men string us along and that's exactly how I view The Rules for myself. I don't subscribe to its silly rules, it just struck a chord for me so I could avoid being strung along. In the past I tried way too hard with flirting, being too available, etc. and the book made me realize I needed to tone it down a bit.

I know my bf cares yet I know we don't speak the same "love language." Thank you to everyone who cited this book as helpful. He's about gestures like making dinner and fixing things for me- I can tell he takes great pride when he can do something usefull for me like that, and I do appreciate it very much. We have talked about how we differ in emotional style, but I do think I should reframe the same concept with him and talk specifically about what makes us feel loved and appreciated so he can see that I need other things.

I really want us to have a serious conversation about the future but am unsure of how to go about it. I agree with everyone that, being in my early '30s, I'm not a spring chicken and need to know whether I feel this relationship is progressing to marriage soon. By bringing this up though, I don't want him to feel like I'm already on board because I don't want him to feel too cozy, know what I mean? How on earth should I do this?

Thank you all again for your insight! I took so long to reply because ya'll gave me such food for thought.

 

[LaraOnline]

Admittedly, this is a really hard topic for a woman to 'manage' properly, since the so-called Sexual Revolution, society has been in a state of flux and many women have just felt they had to give up and have kids without being married, take on a great load of risk to try to develop a marriage relationship etc etc.

Men see this, see many other women in sexual relation without marraige and so then start to wonder what the 'point' of marriage is from their own perspective. Forget the emotional wellbeing of the woman of course, that isn't even on the radar!

My experience and observation with men is that a pro-marriage attitude it has to come from within, and they have to see a benefit for themselves.

Many men can see marriage as a win for women at a cost for themselves - and they can spend a lot of time reinforcing that perception through discussions with friends, popular culture certainly doesn't help at all either. Many young men are reluctant to publicly recognise the benefits of marriage because they identify marriage as supporting conservative values.

Personally I think it is easy to see that in the longer term men win greatly from successful marriage. But to recognise that - in terms of health outcomes, financial outcomes, social outcomes etc requires the man has a certain lense to even view through.

Unless the man in question holds a value or intrinsic respect for marriage, I'm not sure even Wonder Woman could ignite that flame unfortunately.

Men with a scornful view of marriage are best avoided altogether.

 

[gem_anemone]

If a man really wants to be with a lady, I'm not sure he can be pushed away. Having an adult conversation with a man after 17 months of dating to ask where the relationship is heading TO ME does not classify as something that should push him away. If you have this adult conversation with him and he gets pushed away then TO ME it would verify that he didn't think the relationship was heading to marriage regardless of any conversation you may or may not have had with him. Personally, I would rather find this out sooner than later especially at your age. Because you are 33 IMHO your boyfriend should be more sensitive to your age and more willing to have discussions about the future. I don't know where you stand regarding wanting children, but if you want them you should let your boyfriend know that the clock is ticking. And it's not you being crazy or pushy. It's true. Women can only bear children for certain years of their life and they can't be sitting around wasting time with men that aren't interested. I think it's completely wrong for men to string along ladies in their late 20s/early 30s. Obviously it's wrong to string along anyone of any age, but to me it's worse for ladies at that time of their life. I'm 32 (going on 33) and got married this year. My husband is even younger than your boyfriend and he knew it was unacceptable to be stringing me along and wasting my late twenties in a dead end relationship. He would have been kind enough to break it off with me if we were not heading toward marriage. I would expect the same from any respectable man.

That said I say talk to him! If he gets scared and runs, well it sucks, but it's better to know now!!

 

[princesss]

If a man really wants to be with a lady, I'm not sure he can be pushed away. Having an adult conversation with a man after 17 months of dating to ask where the relationship is heading TO ME does not classify as something that should push him away. If you have this adult conversation with him and he gets pushed away then TO ME it would verify that he didn't think the relationship was heading to marriage regardless of any conversation you may or may not have had with him. Personally, I would rather find this out sooner than later especially at your age. Because you are 33 IMHO your boyfriend should be more sensitive to your age and more willing to have discussions about the future. I don't know where you stand regarding wanting children, but if you want them you should let your boyfriend know that the clock is ticking. And it's not you being crazy or pushy. It's true. Women can only bear children for certain years of their life and they can't be sitting around wasting time with men that aren't interested. I think it's completely wrong for men to string along ladies in their late 20s/early 30s. Obviously it's wrong to string along anyone of any age, but to me it's worse for ladies at that time of their life. I'm 32 (going on 33) and got married this year. My husband is even younger than your boyfriend and he knew it was unacceptable to be stringing me along and wasting my late twenties in a dead end relationship. He would have been kind enough to break it off with me if we were not heading toward marriage. I would expect the same from any respectable man.

That said I say talk to him! If he gets scared and runs, well it sucks, but it's better to know now!!

I agree with every dang word of this. (Minus the part about being in my thirties and married. That's not true. But I agree with the rest!)

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

If a man really wants to be with a lady, I'm not sure he can be pushed away. Having an adult conversation with a man after 17 months of dating to ask where the relationship is heading TO ME does not classify as something that should push him away. If you have this adult conversation with him and he gets pushed away then TO ME it would verify that he didn't think the relationship was heading to marriage regardless of any conversation you may or may not have had with him. Personally, I would rather find this out sooner than later especially at your age. Because you are 33 IMHO your boyfriend should be more sensitive to your age and more willing to have discussions about the future. I don't know where you stand regarding wanting children, but if you want them you should let your boyfriend know that the clock is ticking. And it's not you being crazy or pushy. It's true. Women can only bear children for certain years of their life and they can't be sitting around wasting time with men that aren't interested. I think it's completely wrong for men to string along ladies in their late 20s/early 30s. Obviously it's wrong to string along anyone of any age, but to me it's worse for ladies at that time of their life. I'm 32 (going on 33) and got married this year. My husband is even younger than your boyfriend and he knew it was unacceptable to be stringing me along and wasting my late twenties in a dead end relationship. He would have been kind enough to break it off with me if we were not heading toward marriage. I would expect the same from any respectable man.

That said I say talk to him! If he gets scared and runs, well it sucks, but it's better to know now!!

I agree with every dang word of this. (Minus the part about being in my thirties and married. That's not true. But I agree with the rest!)

Totally agree! In fact, I can't imagine going into a relationship and not knowing if it will be serious or not. I'm just not the type to mince words I guess...on our first date, (then) DH asked me what I wanted to do/be/make me happiest and I told him my goal was to be a SAHM. I was 27 and he was 24 when we started dating. He will be 27 in February and I will be 30 next week. If we were 20, that conversation would have came later (due to maturity level), but I think the older you get, the more you know what you want and there should be zero issues talking about it with someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with.

 

[BonnyLass]

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I feel like I'm on this internal rollercoaster of emotions and don't know what to do. Adding to all of this, I initiated talking to him about Christmas, inviting him to come home with me, and nothing has happened. It's like he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm thinking of breaking up with him but am unsure...

 

[audball]

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I feel like I'm on this internal rollercoaster of emotions and don't know what to do. Adding to all of this, I initiated talking to him about Christmas, inviting him to come home with me, and nothing has happened. It's like he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm thinking of breaking up with him but am unsure...

I've stayed out of this thread thus far because when I first saw it you'd already been given a lot of advice. But now here I am!

It's tough. Really tough. I know there are more ladies on here than just me who have ended relationships for reasons like this. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, I'm just saying it's definitely time to really think about what you want and how you're going to get there. Is this guy going to help you? Is he in the picture you envision for your future?

You seem to be having doubts. In my experience your gut is rarely wrong.

 

[maccers]

I'm pretty sure the last guy I dated before meeting my SO was YOUR GUY. Well, your guy in that he was emotionally unavailable a lot of the time. Sure, we had fun together, lots of laughs but at the end of each day I was left wishing there was more....More affection, more emotion, more understanding about where we were headed as a couple...MORE. It was completely anxiety provoking, "do I give him more time? Do I need to be more respectful about his 'love language'? but at the end of the day, it DIDN'T matter. Why? Because MY needs weren't being met. I could not imagine the rest of my life spent with a person that I was frustrated with and felt like we couldn't connect sufficiently. HE was the wrong person for ME - He might be perfect for someone else, just not me. And you know what? The next guy I met was my SO and we're going to be officially engaged soon. He's amazing and I'm really glad I didn't settled. I don't have to worry about how he feels about me, I KNOW how he feels, there is NO guesswork.

BTW, I'm older than you, I'm 35. So, it's not too late.

 

[BonnyLass]

I don't know how to even approach having a conversation about our future but I feel like I have to do it very soon. I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on, lol. I want it to be like a fact-gathering session and don't want to be seen as pushy.

 

[audball]

I don't know how to even approach having a conversation about our future but I feel like I have to do it very soon. I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on, lol. I want it to be like a fact-gathering session and don't want to be seen as pushy.

To me, this is pretty telling. With my ex, I had to psych myself up to have conversations with him about anything serious. It was awful. It shouldn't be that hard. You should be able to be upfront, straightforward, blunt, honest, emotional, eager, confused, WHATEVER and have him still want to sit down and talk it out.

 

[Rhea]

I don't know how to even approach having a conversation about our future but I feel like I have to do it very soon. I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on, lol. I want it to be like a fact-gathering session and don't want to be seen as pushy.

To me, this is pretty telling. With my ex, I had to psych myself up to have conversations with him about anything serious. It was awful. It shouldn't be that hard. You should be able to be upfront, straightforward, blunt, honest, emotional, eager, confused, WHATEVER and have him still want to sit down and talk it out.

This.

It's your future. You're in your 30's and want to settle down and build a life with someone. It's not pushy to find out if he's headed in the same direction as you. If he can't or won't have the conversation with you then it's time to move on and find what you want.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I don't know how to even approach having a conversation about our future but I feel like I have to do it very soon. I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on, lol. I want it to be like a fact-gathering session and don't want to be seen as pushy.

To me, this is pretty telling. With my ex, I had to psych myself up to have conversations with him about anything serious. It was awful. It shouldn't be that hard. You should be able to be upfront, straightforward, blunt, honest, emotional, eager, confused, WHATEVER and have him still want to sit down and talk it out.

This.

It's your future. You're in your 30's and want to settle down and build a life with someone. It's not pushy to find out if he's headed in the same direction as you. If he can't or won't have the conversation with you then it's time to move on and find what you want.

I second Audball! You DESERVE to know if you are both on the same page, so you can then make an informed decision about your future. If your needs aren't being met, don't you think you deserve better than that? Plus, if you can't talk about everything to the person you marry without anxiety, why in the heck would you even want to marry him?