Update: the 10th and a half hour...

[somedaysunday]

Well, ladies, I have to admit, I'm getting a little fidgety.

Here are the facts:
1) We want to live together
2) Both our leases are up at the beginning of October
3) He knows that while I'm perfectly willing to slow it down if he needs to, I don't want to live with him unless we are engaged first.
4) Fully aware of #3, he still wants to live with me.
5) He knows my parents are old fashioned and that I would've liked to give them a chance to get used to an engagement before springing a move-in on them. (that ship has sort of sailed by now)
6)We have picked out an apartment and PLANNED TO MOVE in less than 5 weeks.
7) Facts 1-5 have been established for months!!


HE IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY stone-faced. Either he has the best poker face of all time or I am completely nuts and am stuck in some sort of alternate reality!

Girls - can I get some dust (or therapy) over here?!

 

[audball]

Hey hun! I'm not exactly sure what you're asking for but I'm going to give you some dust************
It sounds like you've made it clear that living together + being engaged is important. I hope he's being stone faced in order to surprise you!

 

[derbygal]

Crossing my fingers for you!

 

[antiquesparkler]

I get what you mean and I would be totally fidgety as well. I am sure he is just trying to suprise you but if by chance he doesnt propose, will you not move in with him?

Boys are so hard to understand sometimes. Talk about waiting till the last minute and making us girls go crazy.

Sending you lots of **DuSt**

 

[jitterymo]

Dust to you!!! Dust to you!!! Dust to you!!! Dust to you!!!

I almost had the same rules... But as I was living in my parent's mother-in-law unit and just jumped at the chance to move in with T. It's been 20 days officially since I've lived with him and it's be super exciting and wonderful.

My dad had been sort-of a pill and was like I really wished we were engaged first (which I plan on doing myself next week, eeek!), but no need to fear, T gave me a 'promise' ring - that he is getting sized and plans to propose with, he says, and then we will go pick out our actual e-ring together. Maybe he'll get the ring back sized this week and propose before I intend to do so next week.

Anyways, super cute... As the promise ring he gave me his class ring (we went to High School together). I've been wearing it on a necklace the last several days, but T has said that he can't go get it sized if I continue to wear it and that I should leave it on his dresser this week and that way he can get it done.

So my countdown kind of starts too, hopefully!

Dust to you!!!

 

[pandabee]

Aww sending lots of dust your way!!! Hopefully he is just trying really hard to surprise you...you don't know if he has bought anything, right?

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Sending dust your way!

May I give you some advice? Feel free to stop reading if you don't want it. Start looking for an apartment for yourself (make sure he knows it as well), refuse to sign the lease on the apartment you might be sharing and stop making plans. When he asks you what is going on, just remind him of facts 1-5 and that, since there is no engagement, it should not be a surprise to him that you are not moving in with him.

He may be planning a surprise engagement at the last minute. This is not fair, since, if he isn't, you are basically stuck (no apartment of your own, no ring and a lease with him). He may be counting on inertia (everything is ready, lease is signed and furniture moved- she isn't going to set her foot down now) to get you to move in without the engagement. In this case, he is manipulating you.

So, stop everything right now and remind him of your facts. You are not pressuring him, you are standing by your principles.

 

[tammy77]

Sending dust your way!

May I give you some advice? Feel free to stop reading if you don't want it. Start looking for an apartment for yourself (make sure he knows it as well), refuse to sign the lease on the apartment you might be sharing and stop making plans. When he asks you what is going on, just remind him of facts 1-5 and that, since there is no engagement, it should not be a surprise to him that you are not moving in with him.

He may be planning a surprise engagement at the last minute. This is not fair, since, if he isn't, you are basically stuck (no apartment of your own, no ring and a lease with him). He may be counting on inertia (everything is ready, lease is signed and furniture moved- she isn't going to set her foot down now) to get you to move in without the engagement. In this case, he is manipulating you.

So, stop everything right now and remind him of your facts. You are not pressuring him, you are standing by your principles.

This exactly! Unless you're 1. willing to retract your conditions for moving in together and 2. retracting won't cause huge family issues and/or resentment issues (trust me, it's a ripple effect that you do NOT want to introduce into even the strongest relationships). I also feel that unless you know he has the means to propose (a ring, if required - my now DH wouldn't propose w/o one), and this is typical behavior for him to surprise you at the last minute, you REALLY need to have this conversation.

Tread lightly and make sure it's a fair, respectful conversation - no ultimatums, no meltdowns. You don't want to make him think twice about the whole thing, but you DO want to make it very clear that your principles haven't changed. Do you have any special trips/dates/etc. coming up soon? Has he given you ANY indication *recently* that he does remember your requirements to live together?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Since moving in together is no promise of marriage--stick to your rules.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Enerchi]

Stick to your principles. You made it clear what the deal was, he knows it... is he trying to just slide the 'moving in together' thing under the radar and think you won't realize you aren't engaged???

I agree with Lady D - start making independent plans, but in a courteous and respectful way - and be prepared to follow thru, if engaged is where you want to be. Sticking to your guns shows commitment and integrity and that you value yourself to not compromise your position. I also think this is the time to discuss openly, where is this going? If you don't, you could end up resenting him for not moving forward, and if you move in against your beliefs, you could end up angry that you didn't hold on to your personal values.

I hope it goes well and he's out right now, picking out the perfect ring for you! Looking forward to reading your "Im engaged" thread before the end of september!

 

[princesss]

Sending dust your way!

May I give you some advice? Feel free to stop reading if you don't want it. Start looking for an apartment for yourself (make sure he knows it as well), refuse to sign the lease on the apartment you might be sharing and stop making plans. When he asks you what is going on, just remind him of facts 1-5 and that, since there is no engagement, it should not be a surprise to him that you are not moving in with him.

He may be planning a surprise engagement at the last minute. This is not fair, since, if he isn't, you are basically stuck (no apartment of your own, no ring and a lease with him). He may be counting on inertia (everything is ready, lease is signed and furniture moved- she isn't going to set her foot down now) to get you to move in without the engagement. In this case, he is manipulating you.

So, stop everything right now and remind him of your facts. You are not pressuring him, you are standing by your principles.

Lady_Disdain nailed it. If being engaged is a prerequisite to living together, why are you making plans without a ring? It's lovely that you two have picked an apartment you'd like to live in together, but perhaps he should live there on his own and you should get your own place (or see if your current place will let you go month to month instead of signing another lease) until you're engaged.

I'm actually very pro-moving in together, but if the current plan doesn't line up with your values, change the plan.

 

[Enerchi]

Sending dust your way!

May I give you some advice? Feel free to stop reading if you don't want it. Start looking for an apartment for yourself (make sure he knows it as well), refuse to sign the lease on the apartment you might be sharing and stop making plans. When he asks you what is going on, just remind him of facts 1-5 and that, since there is no engagement, it should not be a surprise to him that you are not moving in with him.

He may be planning a surprise engagement at the last minute. This is not fair, since, if he isn't, you are basically stuck (no apartment of your own, no ring and a lease with him). He may be counting on inertia (everything is ready, lease is signed and furniture moved- she isn't going to set her foot down now) to get you to move in without the engagement. In this case, he is manipulating you.

So, stop everything right now and remind him of your facts. You are not pressuring him, you are standing by your principles.

Lady_Disdain nailed it. If being engaged is a prerequisite to living together, why are you making plans without a ring? It's lovely that you two have picked an apartment you'd like to live in together, but perhaps he should live there on his own and you should get your own place (or see if your current place will let you go month to month instead of signing another lease) until you're engaged.

I'm actually very pro-moving in together, but if the current plan doesn't line up with your values, change the plan.

THIS!

I think princesss said it better than I did.

 

[mandasand]

I agree...stick to your guns on this one. I think the next step would be for you to discuss a possible engagement with him. I also had your same desires to be engaged before moving in together. My BF knew this but we moved forward with him moving into my house. Then we decided to buy a new house and moved into that. Now it's been a year living together and no engagement. See, I faltered and now I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to his timeframe. I'm not saying that living together isn't wonderful, but you have to make a choice. You either decide to extend your lease and wait for him to propose or you throw out your expectations that he will propose the moment you're moved in. I have now accepted the fact that I didn't stick to my guns. But if you are adamant, you should make that clear.

 

[somedaysunday]

Hey Ladies!

Thanks for the dust! You all are so sweet - this good advice.

But not to worry, I am *absolutely* firm in my position. I will not, under any circumstances, live with him until we are engaged. He knows that I love living by myself, and he knows I'll continue to do so, tantrum-free, until we are ready (ie engaged) to move in together. I've been very clear that I'm happy with us the way we are - he knows I'm ready to move forward, but only if he is too.

Though I know what you're saying and I can totally see some guys doing it, it's 100% safe to say he's not being manipulative not our style! I should've given you all the facts. I *just* took the bar exam and started a new job, so there really hasn't been a good time (since maybe last April) to propose....up until now. So hopefully soon! I was going nuts during bar prep wondering why he wasn't proposing - then I realized....what rational guy would propose to a library-bound/insane/miserable bar-prepper?

I trust him wholeheartedly, but I'm trust-but-verify kind of girl. I've actually put myself on an indefinite 30 day lease, so that there is no technical expiration date, but at any given point I can give 30 days notice and be out....October 2nd move-out at the earliest. And if need be, I know exactly where I would go

Most importantly, I've said the exact words to him, "I hope you understand, but I'm not giving notice until we are engaged."

He understood

 

[Enerchi]

That's fantastic to hear you say all that Sounds like the two of you have a good relationship that includes open communication. Awesome! Fingers crossed and lots of dust for a wonderful surprise real soon!

Congrats on the bar exam sending you dust as well, hoping it all comes together for you

 

[princesss]

Yay! It sounds like this is going exactly as it should, then. Good for you for sticking to your guns on what is important to you, and for having the sense to choose such a respectful, understanding partner.

Lots of dust for an engagement coming up soon!

 

[tammy77]

Oh well you have it all under control then and given the update, I would be willing to bet he's definitely working on a plan! Keep us posted and good luck!!

 

[Chewbacca]

Many props to you for sticking to your guns!

I look forward to an EXCITING update very soon from you!

 

[madelise]

You're a lot stronger of a woman than I will ever be! I get so gaga over my SO that all rationality and rules go out the window! Good for you! And you seem to be in an enviable relationship to have such an open communication partner!

*****DUSSTTTT****** that he proposes soon, and you won't even have to deal with this dilemma!

 

[Lady_Disdain]

That is great!

And here is plenty of dust to motivate him to get moving!

 

[audball]

It sounds like you two are very good communicators and have a really healthy, strong relationship! Stand your ground, but it certainly sounds like he's working hard to surprise you in time for a move-in shortly!

 

[jitterymo]

You're a lot stronger of a woman than I will ever be! I get so gaga over my SO that all rationality and rules go out the window! Good for you! And you seem to be in an enviable relationship to have such an open communication partner!

*****DUSSTTTT****** that he proposes soon, and you won't even have to deal with this dilemma!

haha! I tend to get GAGA too! I so wanted to "like" this post like it was a facebook status! I'm such a nerd...

 

[audball]

You're a lot stronger of a woman than I will ever be! I get so gaga over my SO that all rationality and rules go out the window! Good for you! And you seem to be in an enviable relationship to have such an open communication partner!

*****DUSSTTTT****** that he proposes soon, and you won't even have to deal with this dilemma!

haha! I tend to get GAGA too! I so wanted to "like" this post like it was a facebook status! I'm such a nerd...

I think we all do that sometimes!

 

[antiquesparkler]

SomedaySunday, Any updates?

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Hey Ladies!

Thanks for the dust! You all are so sweet - this good advice.

But not to worry, I am *absolutely* firm in my position. I will not, under any circumstances, live with him until we are engaged. He knows that I love living by myself, and he knows I'll continue to do so, tantrum-free, until we are ready (ie engaged) to move in together. I've been very clear that I'm happy with us the way we are - he knows I'm ready to move forward, but only if he is too.

Though I know what you're saying and I can totally see some guys doing it, it's 100% safe to say he's not being manipulative not our style! I should've given you all the facts. I *just* took the bar exam and started a new job, so there really hasn't been a good time (since maybe last April) to propose....up until now. So hopefully soon! I was going nuts during bar prep wondering why he wasn't proposing - then I realized....what rational guy would propose to a library-bound/insane/miserable bar-prepper?

I trust him wholeheartedly, but I'm trust-but-verify kind of girl. I've actually put myself on an indefinite 30 day lease, so that there is no technical expiration date, but at any given point I can give 30 days notice and be out....October 2nd move-out at the earliest. And if need be, I know exactly where I would go

Most importantly, I've said the exact words to him, "I hope you understand, but I'm not giving notice until we are engaged."

He understood

Hey SS! It sounds like you guys are great at communicating each other's expectations, and I'm glad you are both on the same page! I think I could learn a thing or two from you about how to communicate effectively

Hopefully this will nudge him towards proposing soon! Lots of dust your way!

 

[Chewbacca]

Somedaysunday's story is continued in this thread!: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/signing-off-at-14.179384/#post-3261095#p3261095

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Thank you - I missed her update