What is it about gossip...

[VRBeauty]

That's so compelling???

I was having lunch in a nearby coffee shop and couldn't help notice that much of the conversation going on around me were mostly gossip. There was a lot of "and then he/she said/did," often accompanied by wide-eyed disbelief. This coffee shop is within a block of a major employer. The amount of conversation devoted to other people's antics or annoyances is really high during the workweek, when presumably many of the coffee companions are also co-workers.

I suppose much of my conversation with friends could also be viewed as "gossip" (although I prefer to think of it as problem-solving rather than gossip ).

I was just wondering if my observations are off-base or on-target. Is there just something about a coffee shop/casual dining environment that brings on the gossip? If gossip is a major element of our interactions with others, does it serve some useful purpose?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and observations!

(BTW no, I don't purposely eavesdrop on other people's conversations. But I can't always tune them out either... )

 

[kenny]

I think gossip comes from nice-itis.
People who are trained to have to always appear nice to person A have to let it out somewhere so they let it out with person B when person A can't hear.

I dont' need to gossip because I usually get all my crap off my chest right to your face.
It's nice.

If you stop being fake-nice you won't need to gossip.

 

[Amys Bling]

I think gossip comes from nice-itis.
People who are trained to have to always appear nice to person A have to let it out somewhere so they let it out with person B when person A can't hear.

I dont' need to gossip because I usually get all my crap off my chest right to your face.
It's nice.

If you stop being fake-nice you'll stop gossiping.

never thought of it that way---but soo true. When I gossip with friends it about situations we would never address with the person in question.

 

[monarch64]

Sometimes you can't say what you think to someone's face. I've had not just one but now two co-workers who are horrid, whiny, play-the-victim types and honestly if they're called out on their nonsense you either get tears and screaming or you get passive aggressive childish behavior like coming up behind a part-timer and putting a knife to their throat. The former was fired not long ago, and the latter is getting fired and possibly being taken to jail on Monday. Personally I'd rather gossip about them behind their backs than risk being killed by either of them since they're mentally un-freaking-stable.

Gossip is a social tool and has been since there were humans and communication. We communicate with each other; we communicate about each other. It's not necessarily negative.

 

[Pandora II]

Gossip is great!

When I worked in the political arena, I always knew what was going on because people thought I always had the latest gossip - I didn't really, but so many people came to ask what I knew about x, y or z that I very quickly did! For some strange reason people also tend to confide in me - odd since I am not a particularly good listener (I do keep confidences btw).

Certainly in politics gossip is a commodity, how you use the information is another matter and I think that extends to life in general.

 

[Rhea]

I think my co-workers and I use it as a social, bonding, and problem solving tool. Yeah, I suppose we could tell our boss what we think to her face, but I doubt that will be productive. Every week after the team meeting we band together to whinge, with a lot of "can you believe she thinks that" thrown in, usually followed by how we're going to approach it to make our working environment nicer.

I'm not sure what else people talk about. My partner doesn't like to gossip and we end up just talking about our plans. What day of the week we're going grocery shopping, if the carpet needs to be vacuumed, and where we might want to go on holiday. To be honest, the sharing of feelings, empathizing with, and agreeing with how to deal with problems makes me feel closer to people. I find it hard to feel close to DH sometimes if all that's discussed is what movie to see tonight, and if Italy is warm enough to visit this time of year. Gossip is very much a social and bonding tool for me.

 

[Person24]

It makes life more interesting???

 

[Dancing Fire]

when women GTG all they do is gossip...

 

[monarch64]

when women GTG all they do is gossip...

To some degree I think this is true, DF. It is how we relate to each other. As VRbeauty said, it's "problem-solving." And another poster mentioned that her husband doesn't like to participate in gossip, but we women often feel the need for validation of our opinions of others, etc. We can get that from each other! On the other hand, I know plenty of men who really enjoy a good gossip session. You guys are not immune!

 

[missy]

Define gossip. There is social banter and chit chat with no malicious intent (ie how great that so and so had twins- they are such a lovely couple etc) and then there is nasty behind one's back gossip (OMG did you see those babies- born rather quickly after the wedding hmmmm). I enjoy the former and abhor the latter. I'm with Kenny in that being upfront with people and just saying what you want to say to their face really does reduce the need for talking about them behind their back. And it is much more civilized.

I always go by the premise that if I wouldn't like it done to me than I shouldn't do it to other people.

Unfortunately I think many people are small minded and ignorant and judgmental and hence the need for gossip. Gossip helps those people elevate themselves (in their minds at least) over those they are gossiping about. Secure self confident and content people really don't have the need for petty gossip.

 

[Black Jade]

I don't think there's anything positive about gossip.
It's usuallly at least exagerrated and quite often actually untrue; the person being gossiped about has no opportunity to defend themself, which is very unfair; and the people doing the gossip do not havegenerally benign motives, no matter what they are telling themselves. It's not 'information' if it's a lie. It's passive aggressive in the worst way--an opportunity to shoot someone in the back and take no responsibility. It creates prejudice against a person that can follow them for years, whether in small towns or nowadays on the internet. People often use it to rip others down, either for their own amusement or to make themselves feel built up and better than the person being gossiped about or even just out of boredom at their job which leads to spite.
I don't think women participate in it more than men do.
Everytime I have been disprivileged to hear some gossip spreading about something I know about firsthand, Its ALWAYS inaccurate, to an extent that amazes me (and the truth has always been doctored to make things worse, not better).
Also, something to be aware of when dealing with someone who starts whispering to you, "i really think you should know this and that about so and so" is what they say in my country that I'll translate to English for you: THE SAME DOG WHO BRINGS YOU A BONE TAKES A BONE AWAY, TOO. Meaning--as soon as the gossiper gets behind YOUR back, they will be gossiping about YOU.

 

[allycat0303]

I personally love hearing about other people's lives because their life is MUCH more interesting than mine! As a rule, I don't repeat anything I perceive to be negative: ie J cheated on S, by sleeping with M. That's not a story I would tell someone else. I'm listening, and I'm interested, but I'm never going to repeat it. Because I sincerely believe what goes around, comes around.

 

[Dancing Fire]

when women GTG all they do is gossip...

To some degree I think this is true, DF. It is how we relate to each other. As VRbeauty said, it's "problem-solving." And another poster mentioned that her husband doesn't like to participate in gossip, but we women often feel the need for validation of our opinions of others, etc. We can get that from each other! On the other hand, I know plenty of men who really enjoy a good gossip session. You guys are not immune!

true...

 

[Dancing Fire]

I personally love hearing about other people's lives because their life is MUCH more interesting than mine! As a rule, I don't repeat anything I perceive to be negative: ie J cheated on S, by sleeping with M. That's not a story I would tell someone else. I'm listening, and I'm interested, but I'm never going to repeat it. Because I sincerely believe what goes around, comes around.

now that sounds exciting... i personally don't give a rat what other people say behind my back...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have never met anyone who has never gossiped. Ever. Part of human nature.

 

[VRBeauty]

I do think part of it's venting, especially in situations in which you feel powerless (which, unfortunately, often includes work situations).

The bonding is a good point... though there's a point at which always talking about other people instead of about what's going on between with the two people actually in the conversation gets kinda sad. I used to sit next to someone at work who would have long phone conversations with his wife that were basically spend ragging bitterly on other people- her co-workers, the daycare center staff, neighbors, other family members, you name it. I assumed I was part of the at-home ragging. The year or two I sat next to him was among the longest in my professional life.

Gossip helps those people elevate themselves (in their minds at least) over those they are gossiping about. Secure self confident and content people really don't have the need for petty gossip.

I think Missy's got something, especially when it comes to a lot of the back-biting kind of gossip I've noticed in the coffee shop.

Certainly in politics gossip is a commodity, how you use the information is another matter and I think that extends to life in general.

Ah yes - there is also gossip that can fall into the "knowledge is power" category.

 

[Autumnovember]

You know, guys try to play it off like its just women who gossip but I find that completely untrue.

I find guys gossiping ALL OF THE TIME.

Also, I wanna add that I think it's ok to 'gossip' sometimes, especially with someone you trust but I really do not like it when people become gossip queens and you know consciously that you've gotta watch what you say because Queen Gossip could possibly go and tell everyone everything you've told her. That to me, is someone who causes drama.

 

[Imdanny]

Such a good question. I don't how many of you have lived on a small island but gossiping is rampant, to a degree I could never have imagined ten years ago when I moved here. They ought to call it "the gossip state". It's incredible.

I feel that deep down it has something to do with human beings' (yes, it is 100% men and women) survival mechanism. Although, I can't articulate why I feel this way, at least not very well.

Imagine if there are a group of animals, say birds, and a stranger, maybe a human being, whatever, comes into their environment. They don't know if you're a threat. You well could be. They start skalking (sp).

People are just like that. I think deep down it has to do with them feeling insecure, profoundly insecure, threatened, somehow.

As far as people being two faced (I'm talking to you 1 face Kenny ), I see validity in that too. For instance, I say things about my landlord to my SO because I don't want to keep my feelings all to myself.

In an ideal world, I'd walk up to him and tell him that he's a greedy, solipsistic (unprintable) who's a hypocrite and did I mention an (unprintable)?

But that doesn't work. For one thing, he's made it a habit not to inquire about my personal business. I return the favor. When we see each other, we do talk about issues I want to or he wants to raise, and if I have a problem with him, I've learned I have to stand up for myself even if I have to be a (unprintable), but under normal circumstances, I'm all smiles, so polite, respectful, etc.

I'm sorry but he and I have working relationship in which he has a lot of power, i.e. any day he decided to, he could force me to leave, with written notice in 45 days. It isn't easy to find housing where I live at all, and I don't have anywhere else to go, I don't have a car, I don't know who would take two GLBT men and a cat, certainly not for the $850 I pay, and the truth is there might not be any place that would in the neighborhood where Iive, and this is where I want to live.

So being honest and direct with SO is one thing. I can't tell my landlord, my doctor, etc., necessarily what I think about them or any given situation, though. But, yes, I talk SO's ear off about it when I need to let it out and figure out how best to move forward.

I am terrible at lying. I'm not so great at all the social niceties. People might be very "real" that I choose to have around, but society can be very "fake" and I don't like it at all, but I have to accept it. Society is not going to change. I think gossiping is primitive. I think it's been here forever and is never going away.

 

[Autumnovember]

You know, guys try to play it off like its just women who gossip but I find that completely untrue.

I find guys gossiping ALL OF THE TIME.

Also, I wanna add that I think it's ok to 'gossip' sometimes, especially with someone you trust but I really do not like it when people become gossip queens and you know consciously that you've gotta watch what you say because Queen Gossip could possibly go and tell everyone everything you've told her. That to me, is someone who causes drama.

I should note that I said "her" because its mostly the females that I have seen be gossip queens. Haven't encountered many men who like to make drama out of gossip.

 

[Rhea]

Can gossip be defined?

I might be defensive, but I feel a lot of the people who say they don't gossip and why isn't what I was talking about. Frankly I don't care who is knocked up by whom. Most of my gossip is my mother and me, my friends and me, or my co-workers and me complaining about what is going on in our own lives. What my mother thinks about this, or the experience a friend is telling about her date last night, or co-workers and I complaining about demands by our boss that we don't believe we can meet.

It's usually 1st hand information, though sometimes 2nd hand if it's about a particular situation. So right now I have a physical health condition and my friend knows one of her friends who has the same condition and has been describing what her friend said about how she felt, what her doctor said, and how long it took her to recover from surgery.

I don't understand how gossip can be described as having no positive qualities. It's sharing what's happening in your life and how you feel about it.

 

[iLander]

when women GTG all they do is gossip...

Oh, please!

What do you think all that "sports talk" is? It's all gossip! Men talk about someone they vaguely know; how they're playing, if it's a slump, what their chances are. It's all gossip!

 

[VRBeauty]

Can gossip be defined?

I might be defensive, but I feel a lot of the people who say they don't gossip and why isn't what I was talking about. Frankly I don't care who is knocked up by whom. Most of my gossip is my mother and me, my friends and me, or my co-workers and me complaining about what is going on in our own lives. What my mother thinks about this, or the experience a friend is telling about her date last night, or co-workers and I complaining about demands by our boss that we don't believe we can meet.

It's usually 1st hand information, though sometimes 2nd hand if it's about a particular situation. So right now I have a physical health condition and my friend knows one of her friends who has the same condition and has been describing what her friend said about how she felt, what her doctor said, and how long it took her to recover from surgery.

I don't understand how gossip can be described as having no positive qualities. It's sharing what's happening in your life and how you feel about it.

Addy - I was thinking in terms of talking about other people, and more specifically saying things about them that you would not say to their faces or would not want them to know you had shared.

 

[Rhea]

Addy - I was thinking in terms of talking about other people, and more specifically saying things about them that you would not say to their faces or would not want them to know you had shared.

Thank you! I still think that I do that and that it is useful. I definitely don't tell me boss what I think of her and her ideas regarding our client work. Usually the purpose is to problem solve in the end. Other than that we mostly talk about ourselves and our own lives - including who is annoying us and why. I assumed that was gossip as it's talk about other people.

 

[Amys Bling]

when women GTG all they do is gossip...

Oh, please!

What do you think all that "sports talk" is? It's all gossip! Men talk about someone they vaguely know; how they're playing, if it's a slump, what their chances are. It's all gossip!

so true ilander

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh DF, I wish we could hide a recording device on you when you GTG with your guy friends... Oh that would be priceless!!!!

 

[missy]

Can gossip be defined?

I might be defensive, but I feel a lot of the people who say they don't gossip and why isn't what I was talking about. Frankly I don't care who is knocked up by whom. Most of my gossip is my mother and me, my friends and me, or my co-workers and me complaining about what is going on in our own lives. What my mother thinks about this, or the experience a friend is telling about her date last night, or co-workers and I complaining about demands by our boss that we don't believe we can meet.

It's usually 1st hand information, though sometimes 2nd hand if it's about a particular situation. So right now I have a physical health condition and my friend knows one of her friends who has the same condition and has been describing what her friend said about how she felt, what her doctor said, and how long it took her to recover from surgery.

I don't understand how gossip can be described as having no positive qualities. It's sharing what's happening in your life and how you feel about it.

That definition is imperative for this discussion. From Merriam-Webster:
a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others

From Cambridge dictionaries:
conversation or reports about other people's private lives which might be unkind, disapproving or not true
someone who enjoys talking about other people and their private lives
rumor or report of an intimate nature


So if one was to go by these definitions you could understand why they would say it is not a positive quality

That's why I wanted to know what the OP meant by "gossip" The answer of how one feels about gossip depends on what the OP meant by gossip.

If the OP just means casual chit chat not malicious in any way and not sensational at all then I would agree- no problem. But if it is petty talk behind one's back that is unflattering and malicious/rumors/untrue/etc. then I stand by my original post.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Oh DF, I wish we could hide a recording device on you when you GTG with your guy friends... Oh that would be priceless!!!!

lunch time ...Ooops,I mean gossip time ...

 

[Haven]

I think sometimes we talk about others to reinforce our own feelings or perceptions about ourselves.

I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I do know that I learn a lot about myself when I take the time to really reflect on what it is that makes me want to gossip about others. It's kind of an unpleasant exercise, but DH and I talk about this a lot. I don't gossip with anyone other than my husband and my very closest friends. I absolutely refuse to gossip at work. (I learn a lot about others, too, based on what they have to say about other people.)

For example: When we have threads in BWW lamenting how RUDE people are, what we are really saying is that we are lovely, thoughtful, and ever so considerate.
Or, when my cousin spends an hour venting about how his father is the most self-centered human being on the planet, what he is really saying is that HE is not self-centered.
Or, when we complain about the IDIOTS and MANIACS on the road, what we are really saying is that we are extremely capable, crafty, and skilled drivers.

I think there's another kind of gossip, too, and that is that we also tend to be irritated by, and thus moved to gossip about, the characteristics we dislike about ourselves that are also evident in others. For example, as I got older I realized that back in high school I had this fear of being thought of as low class or crass. (I got this from my grandmother.) Guess what I most often gossiped about in others? You got it: their behaviors that I perceived to be low class or crass.

Basically, I always think that our gossip has everything to do with ourselves, and nothing to do with the people we purport to be discussing. One major and unexpected benefit that comes from my marriage has been having someone who is close enough to me to give me feedback when I habitually focus on certain things while gossiping. It's not easy to hear, but I've learned a lot about myself in the process. You could say the same for my husband, too. It's really interesting, how little insight we can have into what our own behaviors reveal about ourselves.

 

[VRBeauty]

Haven, you've found a way to state what I suspect is at the heart of much gossip. That in many cases, it's a socially accepted way to say "I'm not like this, I'm better than this." That it may be a way to establish bond with other people, but... how strong is a bond, ultimately, that's forged mainly on talking about others? There may be times when it's the only safe way to vent, or when it's really figuring out the best way to approach a problem... but many times, it's a way "connect" that manages to avoid building real connections...

So yeah, I'll admit to my bias... I tend to see gossip mainly as a negative rather than a positive force. However, that's not to say that I don't indulge!

 

[LAJennifer]

I think sometimes we talk about others to reinforce our own feelings or perceptions about ourselves.

I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I do know that I learn a lot about myself when I take the time to really reflect on what it is that makes me want to gossip about others. It's kind of an unpleasant exercise, but DH and I talk about this a lot. I don't gossip with anyone other than my husband and my very closest friends. I absolutely refuse to gossip at work. (I learn a lot about others, too, based on what they have to say about other people.)

For example: When we have threads in BWW lamenting how RUDE people are, what we are really saying is that we are lovely, thoughtful, and ever so considerate.
Or, when my cousin spends an hour venting about how his father is the most self-centered human being on the planet, what he is really saying is that HE is not self-centered.
Or, when we complain about the IDIOTS and MANIACS on the road, what we are really saying is that we are extremely capable, crafty, and skilled drivers.

I think there's another kind of gossip, too, and that is that we also tend to be irritated by, and thus moved to gossip about, the characteristics we dislike about ourselves that are also evident in others. For example, as I got older I realized that back in high school I had this fear of being thought of as low class or crass. (I got this from my grandmother.) Guess what I most often gossiped about in others? You got it: their behaviors that I perceived to be low class or crass.

Basically, I always think that our gossip has everything to do with ourselves, and nothing to do with the people we purport to be discussing. One major and unexpected benefit that comes from my marriage has been having someone who is close enough to me to give me feedback when I habitually focus on certain things while gossiping. It's not easy to hear, but I've learned a lot about myself in the process. You could say the same for my husband, too. It's really interesting, how little insight we can have into what our own behaviors reveal about ourselves.

Very eloquently said, Haven. Not sure why, but this post reminded me of the music video for "11th Dimension" by Julian Casablancas.