Becoming a step parent

[Miss Sparkly]

Quite a bit has happened that I haven't posted about. In short - divorce, out of state move, boyfriend and potential 11yr old step son. Bf and I are very open about everything and I have finally hit a good point in my life. His son is very living and accepting (he has full custody btw). I would like the advise from fellow psers on what to expect and what has worked for you.

 

[marym]

I am a stepmom to a 10 year old boy. I came into his life when he was just turning six. I am lucky that he is a sweet natured boy and we have a good relationship, but being a stepmom is a very hard thing. Quite frankly I am scared to death of the teenage years with him. It is definitely easier the younger they are when you become their step parent. Yours is on the cusp of the preteen-teen years that can be so very difficult for step parents. Please be certain about what you are getting yourself into, because it isn't for the faint hearted. The absolute best book you could read on the subject (in my opinion the only one you should spend your money on) is the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. I really wish I had found it sooner, as it helped me tremendously with some of the daily feelings I struggle with. Please read this book before you make any decisions either way. Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Please be careful and think it through.

IIRC, you didn't ever want children - now you could be getting one and living with all the problems children can bring but without the child being yours and with another parent outside your relationship being there.

How would you cope in the future with things like your SO and his ex-wife going to graduations while you are excluded? Disciplining any child is hard, but what will you do when they throw the usual teenage behaviour and make it very clear to you that you are not their parent and they are not taking any discipling from you.

I dated a man with a 5 year-old daughter for a year. I worked out that I was not prepared to live my life with him dedicating every other weekend to his daughter (he had to travel 300km to see her) and giving up a considerable portion of his income which would significantly impact on any plans we had for a family ourselves. I also wasn't keen on the constant phonecalls and fights with the ex-wife that were going on. Finally I am not keen on kids - now I have my own I adore her, but she is MY daughter, I have no maternal feelings towards children in general or desire to parent them.

After we split up, I swore that if I met another man who had a child I would walk away before I even got to know him as I knew it wasn't for me.

What I've written may seem harsh, but there is a child's life and feelings involved in a step-parent situation and I knew it was not for me and was prepared to admit and act on that.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I agree with Pandora. Blended families are difficult. If you do not want kids, don't marry into having one.

 

[decodelighted]

Weren't you just posting about your *husband* less than a month ago? Buying a kindle for his birthday? Are you serious that all of this has happened to you IN THE COURSE OF A MONTH?

 

[Pandora II]

Weren't you just posting about your *husband* less than a month ago? Buying a kindle for his birthday? Are you serious that all of this has happened to you IN THE COURSE OF A MONTH?

I had noticed this too...

My advice would be to keep well away from anyone with kids until you are really ready to date again. Jumping in with a man with kids within days of leaving your husband isn't very fair on the child/ren.

 

[tammy77]

My husband is the step parent in our relationship.

I would *strongly* suggest waiting to even move in, much less become an official step parent to a child. It's entirely unhealthy for the child in this situation to be thrust into a blended family at light speed. My DH met my children about a year after we knew each other (would have been more like 6 months but we were long distance). After that we had light interactions for a while. Eventually after about a year and some months of knowing my DH, he gradually moved into our home. DH didn't share the room with me (he slept on the couch) 50% of the weeks when we had the girls for the first few months. Once we were engaged (maybe a bit before, can't remember) then he stayed in the bedroom all evenings. Now all that said, my DH *never* would have moved into the house in the first place unless we both knew that our relationship was a long term, permanent kind of thing. We'd been through a LOT.

The transition from frequent visits to full blown living together and co parenting took over a year. We didn't want to rush into the process because the end result of having a happy, well blended family was worth more than instant gratification. As a side note, in the first several months of us living together my DH did NOT try to parent the kids in terms of discipline, telling them what to do, etc. That came much later (around 6-8 months after he moved in).

It's been 4 years since my official separation from my ex husband and I've been married for just shy of 7 months. It's not always been easy, but it's ridiculously worth it to take your time! That's my .02.