Do you say I Love You to your IL's?

[lliang_chi]

I call my ILs "Mom and Dad" and first names interchangeably when I'm visiting them or visa versa. I make it a conscious effort to call them by first names when I'm around my SIL, though I think she'll be kinda territorial about it. I don't mind because that's not what I call my parents, so it's not like my ILs are usurping the title or something. My DH calls my mom "Mei Mei" which is our traditional "Older mother/aunt/female relative one generation above you." But he calls my dad "Mr. MaidenName." My dad told him he can call him FirstName, but DH still does the Mr. MaidenName... DH definitely doesn't say "Love" or anything to my parents. He's still quite formal with them, that they're my family.

As far as the "I Love You." Yes, but not on phone calls. It's sorta an "You have to be there" thing for me. For cards I sign "Love, LC and DH" I dunno, MIL had a VERY serious accident this year, so I think I'm a little more sensitive.

~LC

 

[jstarfireb]

I don't, and I also can't get into the idea of calling my MIL "mom." She has asked me to call her that, but I just can't do it. I grew up in a family where my parents called their in-laws by their first names, and anything other than that seems weird to me. I mean, it doesn't matter how much I like her or how nice a person she is...she didn't give birth to me and raise me, so she's not my mom!

I think there's definitely a cultural difference with us, though. I'm white and he's Chinese-American. My parents have asked him to call them by their first names, but his mom has asked me to call her "mom."

 

[Haven]

I say I love you to my FIL. I also call him Dad. It's something that evolved over several years, and I really do feel close to him and so it's a natural thing. My husband doesn't say I love you to my parents, though, and he calls them both by their first names.

I don't think you're wrong to be uncomfortable saying I love you when it doesn't feel right. I imagine forced I love yous would make me feel even more distant, and not closer, to someone.

 

[amc80]

Not a chance. I've never heard my fiance say it to them; in fact, I've never even seen him hug either one of them. I also haven't seen them hug each other. They aren't very affectionate, obviously. My fiance is though, and that's what is important. As far as what our kids will call them, not sure. My step dad has been around since I was 12 and I haven't seen my real dad in years (although my brother has a good relationship with him). I feel my step dad has earned the grandpa title (or whatever he wants). My mom will probably insist on some non-grandma title, like Gigi or something. No idea what the FILs will want to be called. They probably don't really care. I called both of my grandparents the same thing- grandma and grandpa/grandad.

 

[Kay]

DH and I were both raised in families where you hug and say "I love you" to relatives: parents, children, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. With that said, my relationship with my ILs was very rocky while DH and I were dating and the first couple years of marriage, so my saying I love them is more recent. Our relationship has been much better since our daughter was born, in large part because my MIL finally apologized for being a biatch for so long and acknowledged that I make her son happy, even though she still doesn't see what we have in common. (She doesn't see that her son is a bit different from the rest of his family and wanted a calmer, quieter home than what he grew up with - MIL sees my more reserved nature as coldness.)

DH and I both call each other's parents by their first names. I only have one mom and dad. Our 2-year-old daughter calls our parents by the variations of grandpa and grandma that they have each selected, and we do too in her presence

 

[Dreamer_D]

...My DH calls my mom and Dad by their first names. I can guarantee that he loves them. They are very close. He would never say I love you to them, nor would they say it...

If he does not call your parents mom and dad, I wonder why he is saying you are territorial? Is it because his mom *does* say I love you? Does he want you to respond in kind? Whereas he is not faced with the issue because your parents don't say it to him.

This. I think he doesn't have to do it himself but thinks it's funny how I get uncomfortable. His family is generous with affection and he knows mine isn't. I don't know if that makes sense but I actually agree with him that I can be territorial. Esp when I say that I only have one mom.

Well, then, I am territorial too Hugs, I love yous, names like "mom" and "dad"... those are important to me and reserved for certain people in my life.

For a joke you should tell you mom to end a call with "I love you" when she talks to your husband. Then see how he responds and feels

 

[Dreamer_D]

Not a chance. I've never heard my fiance say it to them; in fact, I've never even seen him hug either one of them. I also haven't seen them hug each other. They aren't very affectionate, obviously. My fiance is though, and that's what is important. As far as what our kids will call them, not sure. My step dad has been around since I was 12 and I haven't seen my real dad in years (although my brother has a good relationship with him). I feel my step dad has earned the grandpa title (or whatever he wants). My mom will probably insist on some non-grandma title, like Gigi or something. No idea what the FILs will want to be called. They probably don't really care. I called both of my grandparents the same thing- grandma and grandpa/grandad.

That is what my mom decided to be called

 

[amc80]

Not a chance. I've never heard my fiance say it to them; in fact, I've never even seen him hug either one of them. I also haven't seen them hug each other. They aren't very affectionate, obviously. My fiance is though, and that's what is important. As far as what our kids will call them, not sure. My step dad has been around since I was 12 and I haven't seen my real dad in years (although my brother has a good relationship with him). I feel my step dad has earned the grandpa title (or whatever he wants). My mom will probably insist on some non-grandma title, like Gigi or something. No idea what the FILs will want to be called. They probably don't really care. I called both of my grandparents the same thing- grandma and grandpa/grandad.

That is what my mom decided to be called

I think it's cute! My cousins always called my grandma Maggie. Not grandma, not nana...Maggie. Her name was Margaret and she went by Margaret. I always thought it was weird that they called her Maggie.

 

[Laila619]

I call my ILs by their first name and DH does the same, but we all say "I love you" all of the time. I even say it with most of DH's uncles and aunts, sisters, grandparents, etc. Often it comes out as, "We love you guys!"which is a bit more informal. I really do love my ILs, SILs, etc, so it comes naturally.

Yep, that's what I usually say...

MIL or FIL: "We love you!"

Me: "Love you guys too."

I've been married almost 3 years, and I still struggle with what to call them. FIL likes Dad, but MIL wants me to use her first name. So it's sort of weird to just call one in-law Dad but the other by her name.

DH calls my parents Mom and Dad.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

This topic makes me laugh because it's one of the things that drive me crazy...

My MIL and FIL insisted that I call them Mrs and Mr XXX until we were married, and then it was Mom and Dad. I don't love it, but I'll go with the flow. I call them Mom and Dad to their face when I have to grab their attention...otherwise, behind their back or when I talk about them to others, I call them by their first names.

Now, heres the kicker...and it drives me NUTS.

I'm an adult, my friends are adults and my sister is an adult. My IL's have been around all of these people socially--dinners when they visit and what not. They have always referred to each other as Mr or Mrs XXX in the presence of my friends like "Oh, Mr. XXX is very interested in that" or "Ask Mrs. XXX, she'd know", subtly I suppose, telling my friends and family they want to be referred to in such a way. I've always just considered them to be old school...and while I don't stand on pomp and circumstance at all, they are who they are...whatev.

This past Christmas when we were visiting my IL's had a huge neighborhood Christmas party, all their friends and their children were there. Some of the neighbors, who double as friends, are much younger and have small children. I gapped in horror and shock when I noticed all the small children addressed my IL's by their first names. I was like WTF?! Are you kidding me? We're adults and banished to last names only, but these kids can call you XXX and XXX? For real?

I consider that double standard to be super rude. It really pisses me off actually. I'm touchy when it comes to things like that. Adults should be able to address adults by their first name. I actually was thinking of telling the children to call me Mrs. XXX just for the hell of it, and actually, I might just do that next year .

 

[Haven]

Not a chance. I've never heard my fiance say it to them; in fact, I've never even seen him hug either one of them. I also haven't seen them hug each other. They aren't very affectionate, obviously. My fiance is though, and that's what is important. As far as what our kids will call them, not sure. My step dad has been around since I was 12 and I haven't seen my real dad in years (although my brother has a good relationship with him). I feel my step dad has earned the grandpa title (or whatever he wants). My mom will probably insist on some non-grandma title, like Gigi or something. No idea what the FILs will want to be called. They probably don't really care. I called both of my grandparents the same thing- grandma and grandpa/grandad.

That is what my mom decided to be called

I think it's cute! My cousins always called my grandma Maggie. Not grandma, not nana...Maggie. Her name was Margaret and she went by Margaret. I always thought it was weird that they called her Maggie.

I called my maternal grandmother by her first name! Her name was Helga, and when I was born she felt like she wasn't old enough to be "Grandma" or "Omi" or anything, so Helga it was! I actually thought Helga meant "Grandma" in German until I was about five or six years old!

My mom is going to be "Sugah Mama" and my dad is going to be "Big Poppa." (I really want my children to call my mom "Helga" but she won't have it.) My "second mother" is going to be "Hot Thang." We call them these names now, so it only makes sense that our future children use them, as well. My niece and nephew call my FIL "Popsy" so I imagine that's what our future children will call him, as well.

 

[Haven]

This topic makes me laugh because it's one of the things that drive me crazy...

My MIL and FIL insisted that I call them Mrs and Mr XXX until we were married, and then it was Mom and Dad. I don't love it, but I'll go with the flow. I call them Mom and Dad to their face when I have to grab their attention...otherwise, behind their back or when I talk about them to others, I call them by their first names.

Now, heres the kicker...and it drives me NUTS.

I'm an adult, my friends are adults and my sister is an adult. My IL's have been around all of these people socially--dinners when they visit and what not. They have always referred to each other as Mr or Mrs XXX in the presence of my friends like "Oh, Mr. XXX is very interested in that" or "Ask Mrs. XXX, she'd know", subtly I suppose, telling my friends and family they want to be referred to in such a way. I've always just considered them to be old school...and while I don't stand on pomp and circumstance at all, they are who they are...whatev.

This past Christmas when we were visiting my IL's had a huge neighborhood Christmas party, all their friends and their children were there. Some of the neighbors, who double as friends, are much younger and have small children. I gapped in horror and shock when I noticed all the small children addressed my IL's by their first names. I was like WTF?! Are you kidding me? We're adults and banished to last names only, but these kids can call you XXX and XXX? For real?

I consider that double standard to be super rude. It really pisses me off actually. I'm touchy when it comes to things like that. Adults should be able to address adults by their first name. I actually was thinking of telling the children to call me Mrs. XXX just for the hell of it, and actually, I might just do that next year .

This would *really* rub me the wrong way, Italia. I am definitely with you on this one.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Yes, I say I love them. and call them Mom and Dad.

It was funny. We dated 12 years before we were married (started when we were 15) and all the cards from them were signed Mr. and Mrs for about 8 years, then their first names, but as soon as we were married it was Mom and Dad. NIght and day. ha!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

This topic makes me laugh because it's one of the things that drive me crazy...

My MIL and FIL insisted that I call them Mrs and Mr XXX until we were married, and then it was Mom and Dad. I don't love it, but I'll go with the flow. I call them Mom and Dad to their face when I have to grab their attention...otherwise, behind their back or when I talk about them to others, I call them by their first names.

Now, heres the kicker...and it drives me NUTS.

I'm an adult, my friends are adults and my sister is an adult. My IL's have been around all of these people socially--dinners when they visit and what not. They have always referred to each other as Mr or Mrs XXX in the presence of my friends like "Oh, Mr. XXX is very interested in that" or "Ask Mrs. XXX, she'd know", subtly I suppose, telling my friends and family they want to be referred to in such a way. I've always just considered them to be old school...and while I don't stand on pomp and circumstance at all, they are who they are...whatev.

This past Christmas when we were visiting my IL's had a huge neighborhood Christmas party, all their friends and their children were there. Some of the neighbors, who double as friends, are much younger and have small children. I gapped in horror and shock when I noticed all the small children addressed my IL's by their first names. I was like WTF?! Are you kidding me? We're adults and banished to last names only, but these kids can call you XXX and XXX? For real?

I consider that double standard to be super rude. It really pisses me off actually. I'm touchy when it comes to things like that. Adults should be able to address adults by their first name. I actually was thinking of telling the children to call me Mrs. XXX just for the hell of it, and actually, I might just do that next year .

This would *really* rub me the wrong way, Italia. I am definitely with you on this one.

Right? It's super annoying. It makes no sense. If a 3 & 5 year old can call you XXX & XXX, then why shouldn't a 22 year old be afford the same? It's just a name for crying out loud.

I get that it's about respect, and that respect is important. But my sister shouldn't have to address my MIL or FIL formally in my home as she would in a class room.

 

[violet3]

I generally say "love you," after seeing and/or speaking to my ILs -- they usually say it back, but they aren't warm and fuzzy people for the most part. I call them by their first names, not mom and dad....don't think i'll really ever get to the point where i call them mom and dad. I do call his grandfather "grandpop" and when she was alive, his grandmother "grandmom" -- somehow feels pretty natural to call them that, but not his parents.

My family is very loving and they say i love you a lot - DH's family doesn't really seem to be that way. I've learned to get used to the fact that they are just a different type of family than i have. I adjust to their way of doing things for the most part.

 

[Haven]

I just realized that I call my *sister's* grandparents-in-law "Grandma" "Grandpa" "Bubbe" and "Papa"! I've known them for nine years, and it's just always been the natural thing to call them. My sister was just married this past Sunday, but she and I both call her new parents-in-law by their first names. They really are like family (they were all at my own wedding three years ago, I call her new SIL *my* SIL) and I imagine she'll be calling them "mom" and "dad" before long.

 

[rosetta]

I call my in laws mum and dad, but in a different language than English so it causes no confusion. My FI calls my parents Mum and Dad just like I do. Our in laws regards us as their own children completely, and each of our parents are thrilled that the other set do so. I feel like my in laws are like my godparents or something. It's lovely actually.

None of us say I love you to each other so that's not an issue. We do hug a lot though!

 

[allycat0303]

Well I call her Mrs.... she's actually never told me to call her by her first name. We speak 1-2 per month if at that. So I can say that we are FAAARRR from Mom, and I love you. At one time we were close, but that ended before the wedding, I can't even imagine returning to a warm relationship at this point.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

This is interesting because I have never thought about the "I love you" issue with in-laws and I have been married a long time! I do hear my husband say it sometimes when he is finishing a phone call ("love you, bye"). And I say that to my own mother (my father died a couple of years ago). I do sign cards to them with things like "much love", etc. But I have never said "I love you" to them. I say it to my husband and children regularly, but not so much to other family. I feel more that way towards a couple of close friends actually.

But back to the original post, I do think it is fine for the children to call the mother's husband "grandpa" since that will be the role he will have. It would cause great hurt not to do so, I think.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Your husbands step-father may want to be called "grandpa," but your child will probably come up with their own variation of that anyway, especially if there are other "grandpas." I'm sure he won't mind if your kid calls him "Grandpa Joe" if there's a "Grandpa Steve" in the family too. Either way, I think if this guy is wanting to love your child as a grandchild, that can only add to your child's life, so why not embrace that?

DH's parents love me very much and have always made me feel welcome. At his grandmother's funeral, his mom told me how her mother had told her friends she has six grandchildren (not five) because she counted me. I was touched and honored. My mother-in-law tried out a few variations of mom towards the end of our dating relationship and into the the engagement. She'd sign emails "Mom" and "Momma firstname" and a few other things, but never just her first name... I bet it was just as weird for her, but I also don't want to call anyone "Mom" besides my own mother. What was weird to me though was that in person, I always called her "Mrs. lastname" and in six years, she never told me to call her anything else even though she was signing her letters with the mom names. Finally, during our engagement, I just started calling them by their first names because I thought it was dumb to be calling them their last names and felt uncomfortable with "mom" and "dad", and I have stuck with that. When we have children, we'll probably start calling them their grandparent names.

She says she loves me on the phone too sometimes and when we're leaving their house, which was awkward at first, but I do love them so I don't mind saying it back. I think in time, it will feel more natural, and there will come a time when I am completely comfortable with it.

We call each other's grandparents their grandparent names - we were introduced that way.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

No, we didn't say "I love you". I can guarantee you that when my FIL was alive those words NEVER passed my ILs lips. They were great parents, BUT not demonstrative or really verbal about expressing feelings.

We really didn't get along initially--I married their oldest son--and I was divorced and not Catholic--and they are Irish--AND we lived together...so you can imagine all the twirling pearls....but once my son was born we had forged a amicable relationship. And I had no relationship at all with my parents, something they looked askance upon since they were sure it was all my fault. But as they saw our marriage prosper and our son flourish they warmed to me {and perhaps vice-versa? } we started to get along better. But "feelings" were never examined or verbalized. My father in law died in 1999. And my MIL and I got a little closer.

She had a bad health episode in March. I was the one who found her, got her to the hospital, dealt with the doctors and spent most of my time with her. She coded twice. Since then I have taken her to her various appointments, shopping and whever else she needs to go. And she is not shy about telling me she appreciates me and she loves me.{also, unfortunately she tells my SILs the this which is NOT helping our relationships}. And that she considers me her daughter, NOT her daughter in law. And yes, I tell her I love her. But I don't consider her my mother.