Help with my FSIL

[blacksand]

Let me start out by saying this is NOT a FSIL rant. My FSIL is a very nice woman whom I like very much. I just feel like there's this awkwardness there that I want to try to address.

Before I met FI's family, he warned me. His sister, though younger than he, is very protective of him. He was married before. Apparently his sister never told him what she thought of his ex until after they divorced. He then made her promise that if she ever had any doubts about anyone he dated, she would tell him upfront. So she began openly scruntinizing all his girlfriends from then on. Super. So I was terrified to meet her. Horrified. But she was very nice, and has been very nice since then. She greets me with a hug, asks me relevant questions about my work, gives presents and cards on special occasions, etc. She's perfectly nice, and I can't complain. But it all feels very...formal.

I have never had an opportunity to spend time with her away from the guys (FI and her husband). I've tried to come up with some way for us to spend time together, but she really isn't very social. She doesn't enjoy going out. She doesn't really have girlfriends. She doesn't drink. She doesn't enjoy girly things like spa days or manicures. She lives an hour and some change away, so it's too far to just "drop by." If we do go anywhere, she usually doesn't stay more than an hour or two before she leaves to "take care of her pets," and she is now pregnant, so she is often tired (understandably!), and doesn't get out of the house much. I tried so hard to organize a party for her 30th birthday. But she wouldn't have it. She said all she wanted to do was fold laundry and/or visit the Holocaust museum (yeah, I don't know, either. It's a lovely museum. But not exactly a fun way to spend your 30th birthday). So FI and I offered to pet sit while she and her husband went to the museum, or wherever else they wanted. We were turned down. We offered to help them move when they bought their house. Nope. We offered to help paint the nursery when she found out she was having a boy. She said yes. Then she had her husband paint last weekend. So I guess we're not helping with that. I was looking forward to a little girl bonding time when she had her baby shower next month. But it was just announced that they're doing a co-ed shower. So it will be like always. I'll be seated with FI. I'll give her a hug, exchange some pleasantries and give her our present. And then we'll go our separate ways.

So I get it. She's not a very social person. She doesn't like accepting help from anyone. I get that I can't make her like me or mold her into the kind of sister-in-law I want. I like her for who she is. But I really want to have a good relationship with her. I want to have a good relationship with my future nephew!

When FI and I got engaged, he called her with the news. I didn't speak to her, but I could hear her say, multiple times, that she was "surprised." It shouldn't have been surprising. FI had spoken to his whole family about his intention to propose to me. But that's all she said. So I spent about a week thinking "OMG she hates me." But then we got a lovely card from her in the mail congratulating us and saying how happy she is for us. So...okay. I sent her an email to thank her for the lovely card and told her how excited I am not only to marry her wonderful brother, but also to have such a wonderful sister-in-law and to become part of her wonderful family. No reply. I later posted something on facebook about wedding planning, and she commented almost immediately saying "don't you have a year and a half to plan? Anyway, remember, it's not about planning a wedding, it's about being ready for a marriage." I was seriously hurt by this, because I found it condescending, especially given that I had just e-mailed her about family and love and all that and got no acknowledgement. It's not like I've even talked to her about wedding planning. But I talked to FI, and he saw no harm in what she wrote at all and thought she meant something more like "don't worry, you have the rest of your lives together." I know I am somewhat oversensitive in all of this, so I choose to trust his judgment there and am letting go of any negative feelings.

I guess I am spoiled, because I am used to my own family. They are warm, welcoming, and very demonstrative. I also come from a large family. We're used to welcoming new in-laws into the fold. We're pros at it by now! But FI's family is very small. I only get one shot at having a good relationship with my FSIL. And she is a very nice person, but hardly warm, welcoming, or demonstrative. So I am trying to relate to her on her own terms. Any advice? Should I just give it up and accept that we'll never be friends?

I'm sorry I wrote a novel. I just feel like I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to put FI in the middle of anything. So I've been holding it in for a long time now.

 

[amc80]

Should I just give it up and accept that we'll never be friends?.

Yes. Unless she decides she wants to be friends. A leopard can't change its spots; she is who she is. It's great that you've accepted her, um, quirks...but you also have to accept the impact of those quirks on your relationship with her. She's not social, doesn't have girlfriends, doesn't do girly stuff, etc. = you probably will never have a girlfriendy/sisterly relationship with her. Maybe someday she'll change, maybe not. Continue to be friendly and polite

 

[mrscushion]

It sounds to me like you two just have fundamentally different personalities. She seems to like hanging out with her husband or by herself. Social interaction might really be a bother for her. Some people are just like that, they focus very narrowly on their immediate circle and on no one else. I wouldn't interpret it at all to mean she doesn't like you. But frankly I don't think you guys will ever "bond" over a baby shower or anything else. As a social, warm, outgoing person, I bet you have tons of friends. I'd focus my energy there.

 

[blacksand]

I guess. I'd hate to give up on having a good relationship with my nephew someday, though. And I want my future children to spend time with their cousin(s).

I guess I keep thinking there's hope because she does have a close relationship with her brother. They talk on the phone at least once a week and e-mail every day. I can't help thinking FI could maybe pull me into that a little bit more, and I'd become more a part of the family. But maybe she'll just never see me that way.

 

[missy]

I don't see any reason you can't be close with your nephew. Just continue the friendly though formal relationship you have with her now and with time I bet she warms up a bit. She may never be the warm outgoing loving demonstrative person you are but she will be warmer than she is now. Just my guess.

My MIL is also not a warm or demonstrative or even an emotionally intelligent individual but over the last decade plus she has warmed up considerably. It takes a long time for some people to feel more comfortable showing emotion or being warm towards another and though she will never be like you she should warm up more as time goes on and she sees how much you and your FI love each other.

This should not affect your relationship with your future nephew. As long as you continue to put effort into maintaining a good relationship with your FSIL and your future nephew all should be fine.

I guess I keep thinking there's hope because she does have a close relationship with her brother. They talk on the phone at least once a week and e-mail every day. I can't help thinking FI could maybe pull me into that a little bit more, and I'd become more a part of the family. But maybe she'll just never see me that way.

Remember, she has had a long time and history with your FI. Give her some time. She may very well grow to be close to you in that same way and begin to think of you as her sister.

 

[Echidna]

Remember, she has had a long time and history with your FI. Give her some time. She may very well grow to be close to you in that same way and begin to think of you as her sister.

I agree with Missy's point here. If she's naturally reserved, perhaps she just needs longer to feel comfortable with you? Your FI has already been through a divorce so she may be even more reserved than usual.

My other thought is that maybe this has nothing to do with you. Perhaps she's worried about your compatibility with your FI interfering with their relationship, or she gets socially anxious with everyone (not just you)?

 

[blacksand]

Thanks all for your advice.

I think she is indeed a bit socially awkward around everyone, not just me. And she is certainly more comfortable with FI since she has known him since birth! Maybe someday I'll get to that level of comfort with her as well. It's just odd because every time I feel like we're getting there, she'll go back to being cold and formal for a while, and then we start over. I'll admit there are also times when I get a bit annoyed at her. She is a nice woman with the best of intentions 99% of the time, but every once in a while she'll come out with some really insulting comment out of the blue. Like she randomly announced one day that it was wonderful to see what a good guy FI is to me these days, because she still remembered when he was a teenager and a selfish jerk. Umm.... Somehow she meant that as a compliment. And she loves to talk about how skinny she is, despite her horrible eating habits, and even now that she is pregnant. Sigh. I chalk it up to insecurity. I have an aunt who is very much like that, and I do love her, and she is 99% sweet so I take the bad with the good. Besides, I can't fault anyone for being insecure when I'm sitting here typing away on an online forum, asking howwwww can I make her like meeeeee?

I can say that I am a little worried that she feels threatened somehow. She has been the center of attention in her family for years now. When I met FI's family, all they talked about was her upcoming wedding, then after the wedding, at every family gathering, we looked at pictures of the wedding and talked about the wedding (even more than a year later, we watched the DVD this Christmas). Now she is pregnant with her parents' first grandchild, so obviously everyone is excitedly fussing over her. So when we got engaged and all she said was that she was "surprised," I was a little worried that she was upset. Perhaps were are stealing her thunder getting engaged during the same year in which she is having a baby? But, I mean, tough noogies. I had to wait long enough!

I do feel like I should defend her a bit, since I am making her sound like a witch here. She isn't. She is uncomfortable in social situations, but she puts that aside when she knows it's important to someone she cares about. She planned an elaborate birthday surprise for FI last year that involved a long drive, a crowded restaurant, and being away from the pets for many hours. All things she hates. She did it for him, and he loved it. She came to my 30th birthday party, if only for a few hours. She was visibly uncomfortable, but she made the effort, and that meant a lot to me. And she has told me, in the past, how happy I make her brother and how he could never really be himself around his ex, and she loves seeing how happy he is now. So whether or not she actually likes me, she likes that I am good for her brother.

I am going to ask her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. FI will have her husband as a groomsman and we'll ask their son to be honorary ring bearer. That way, she can stay with her family and not feel like she has to socialize too much with the rest of the wedding party. I guess we'll see how that goes. It will either be good for our relationship or disastrous, I guess.

 

[sillyberry]

Thanks all for your advice.

I think she is indeed a bit socially awkward around everyone, not just me. And she is certainly more comfortable with FI since she has known him since birth! Maybe someday I'll get to that level of comfort with her as well. It's just odd because every time I feel like we're getting there, she'll go back to being cold and formal for a while, and then we start over. I'll admit there are also times when I get a bit annoyed at her. She is a nice woman with the best of intentions 99% of the time, but every once in a while she'll come out with some really insulting comment out of the blue. Like she randomly announced one day that it was wonderful to see what a good guy FI is to me these days, because she still remembered when he was a teenager and a selfish jerk. Umm.... Somehow she meant that as a compliment. And she loves to talk about how skinny she is, despite her horrible eating habits, and even now that she is pregnant. Sigh. I chalk it up to insecurity. I have an aunt who is very much like that, and I do love her, and she is 99% sweet so I take the bad with the good. Besides, I can't fault anyone for being insecure when I'm sitting here typing away on an online forum, asking howwwww can I make her like meeeeee?

I can say that I am a little worried that she feels threatened somehow. She has been the center of attention in her family for years now. When I met FI's family, all they talked about was her upcoming wedding, then after the wedding, at every family gathering, we looked at pictures of the wedding and talked about the wedding (even more than a year later, we watched the DVD this Christmas). Now she is pregnant with her parents' first grandchild, so obviously everyone is excitedly fussing over her. So when we got engaged and all she said was that she was "surprised," I was a little worried that she was upset. Perhaps were are stealing her thunder getting engaged during the same year in which she is having a baby? But, I mean, tough noogies. I had to wait long enough!

I do feel like I should defend her a bit, since I am making her sound like a witch here. She isn't. She is uncomfortable in social situations, but she puts that aside when she knows it's important to someone she cares about. She planned an elaborate birthday surprise for FI last year that involved a long drive, a crowded restaurant, and being away from the pets for many hours. All things she hates. She did it for him, and he loved it. She came to my 30th birthday party, if only for a few hours. She was visibly uncomfortable, but she made the effort, and that meant a lot to me. And she has told me, in the past, how happy I make her brother and how he could never really be himself around his ex, and she loves seeing how happy he is now. So whether or not she actually likes me, she likes that I am good for her brother.

I am going to ask her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. FI will have her husband as a groomsman and we'll ask their son to be honorary ring bearer. That way, she can stay with her family and not feel like she has to socialize too much with the rest of the wedding party. I guess we'll see how that goes. It will either be good for our relationship or disastrous, I guess.

Actually...no. You don't make her sound like a witch. Nothing you have said has made me think anything bad of her, other than that she's shy and a touch awkward, which is perhaps part of the problem between you two. Although, maybe more accurate to say "your problem" since I don't know that she thinks anything is wrong.

Ultimately it sounds like you need to revise your expectations, since all in all she's a nice person, just not the person YOU want her to be. If I had to guess, the more you accept her and her ways of social interaction, the more likely you are to get closer to the relationship you hope for.

However, one thing stood out to me though - the bolded. That seems like pretty good-natured sibling teasing to me...you should hear the things my FBIL says about my FI! I may have been told I'm marrying the worst person in the world... Unless I'm totally missing her tone, maybe if you realize this is her attempt at humor, you'll understand her better and learn to relate to the way her brain works.

 

[blacksand]

Oh, I know she means it as good-natured teasing, but she crosses the line. That's what I was trying to say. She was complaining about how badly he apparently used to treat women when he was younger (which I'm pretty sure isn't even true). Both FI and FSIL's husband were horrified by that and changed the subject immediately. She has also been known to take trash talk during a game wayyyy too far, saying things like "well at least I don't have a failed marriage." I think she means it to be good-natured joking around, but she hasn't quite mastered the social filter yet. She does say things to hurt FI's feelings rather frequently (he's known her since birth, and it hurts him, so I really don't think it's me!). She's been known to say things like "I'm so glad I'm the skinniest person here, even though I'm pregnant!" and "too bad Mom and Dad took down your [FI's] graduation picture to put up more pictures of my wedding." She's joking...kind of. But...um...yeah. No one really shares her sense of humor. I REALLY try to be patient with her because I know she's a nice person, but she takes this stuff too far sometimes.

FI sums it up as "if she's saying nasty things to you and your feelings are hurt, she considers you family." Lol, super. I look forward to that, someday. I guess I just mean to give an example of why things are awkward. I still think she's a good person, just a little insecure and socially awkward. Having been there myself (okay, I'm still there), I understand and am trying really hard to relate to her on her terms. Trust me, I am working very hard to revise my expectations! It is just hard work.

 

[TooPatient]

I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know well (and by well I mean known for years) especially if I'm expected to socialize. I also have very little "free time" between work/school/life.

I turn down "girl nights" and the such even with people I'm comfortable with because, quite honestly, I'd much rather spend time as a group of couples building friendships/bonds between all of us. FI feels the same way.

(I just explained that terribly and I'm sure it doesn't sound like what I mean at all....)

I guess what I'm saying is that there isn't anything wrong with her. She probably likes you just fine. This is just who she is. Spending time as a couple with other couples is what she prefers.

If you try to push her into "girl time" I suspect you'll just push her away and make her uncomfortable with you. Maybe their once a week phone calls could be done via Skype sometimes so you all can chat together. Double date with you guys and them? Picnic at a pet-friendly park halfway between you and them?

 

[mrscushion]

Does she have Asperger Syndrome?

 

[sillyberry]

Does she have Asperger Syndrome?

This is a really really good question...

I was just thinking she really sounds like a boor and I have no one idea why you would WANT to try and strike up a close relationship with her, blacksand, but this is a much better explanation. Even if she hasn't been diagnosed, reading about how to communicate with someone with AS might be illuminating to you blacksand.

 

[blacksand]

Does she have Asperger Syndrome?

I guess it's not impossible, but I think it's unlikely. I've worked with children with Asperger Syndrome before, so I'm familiar with it, but obviously not qualified to make any kind of diagnosis. I can certainly look into it a bit more, though. Communication strategies are always useful. Thanks for the tip.

FSIL is social when she wants to be, I guess. She's a teacher, so she's with kids, parents and administrators all day. She seems to love that, go figure. She actually seems to like being the center of attention, at least at family gatherings, she just doesn't really like socializing (if that makes any sense). Who knows. She's a bit of an enigma, but she has a good heart. I know she's a good person at her core. It's just weird dealing with her sometimes. We've never argued or anything, we always outwardly get along just fine, I just don't feel like we're comfortable around each other.

She reminds me very much of my Aunt Kathie. Aunt Kathie always wants to be the center of attention at every gathering, and she has a tendancy to say really hurtful things without meaning to hurt anyone. She'll just thoughtlessly blurt out how, of all the children in the family, she was so surprised that grandma chose to give her her engagement diamond, all while her other [older] sisters stand there and blink. Or how she's so happy that her sisters all got grandma's cute little nose, but only she got grandpa's skinny genes (that is soooooo FSIL-ish). Or how much more difficult it is to teach fourth grade than something easy like preschool (my mom, her sister, is a preschool teacher). Honestly, she used to offend me with comments like that, but I've realized she's just insecure. We're all flawed, I figure. I know I'm far from perfect. At the end of the day, Aunt Kathie would do anything for her family. She loves us all very much. And she and I get along really well. She has raised a couple of amazing children, including a daughter who is my best friend and will be my maid of honor, so I know she's not a bad person! I've just learned not to let her little comments get to me, and to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. I love my family, flaws and all. Now I'm trying to do the same with FSIL. I know there's a lot more good there than bad. I guess it is just something that will take a lot of time, and I will have to understand that our relationship may never be what I want it to be, but be happy we have a relationship. Family is very important to me, if you couldn't tell!