Cash gift for an interstate wedding?

[Smo]

Hi everyone,

I have a questions about cash wedding gifts when you have to fly interstate for the wedding. This is for an immediate family member of my partner, but neither of us are close with him (and to be honest we don’t particularly like him) but he is family so we have to go. So far the total costs of travelling is going to be about $2500 - $3000 (car rental, flights, accommodation). The groom has asked for gifts of cash as they already live together. Am I wrong in thinking that we have already spent enough and so our gift should be that we are attending the wedding?

Now that I type this out I do think I might be wrong, if this was a wedding that I wanted to go to rather than feeling obliged to go to the question of money wouldn’t have crossed my mind.

What do you guys think?

p.s. I wasn't sure if this is the right forum to put this in, please feel free to move it if I picked the wrong one!

 

[sillyberry]

You are never obligated to give a wedding gift, and if you choose to give a gift, you can give whatever you like.

I've always given gifts after spending a lot of money on a destination wedding, but, um, if I'm being totally honest it has always kind of rankled me a bit. But I recognize that it is my choice to attend or not, so I do it anyway.

Do they have a registry with actual gifts? Perhaps you would feel somewhat better about the situation if you gave a physical present instead of just handing over an envelope of cash?

 

[slg47]

the groom asked for cash outright?

also...$3000??? that seems really high.

I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift.

 

[missy]

That's a difficult situation to be in and I sympathize with you. However, I would not feel obligated to go to a wedding of someone I do not care for that would cost me so much to get to. If it was local I would go since hey, it is family like them or not. But, because neither you nor your SO like this person it seems above and beyond to spend 3K on the wedding.

If you are going though despite this I do think a gift is the proper thing to do. I know some will disagree and it is true that gifts are voluntary but it is an unwritten rule that it is the norm to give gifts when attending weddings. In fact, I give gifts when invited and I am not able to attend though the gift is not as big as if I was attending the wedding. That is my personal take on the situation.
If you feel you must go bring a gift however small. Certainly you do not need to give cash though! Buy something small and bring it.

Best scenario though would be to send something with a note saying you are sorry you cannot attend and best wishes.

 

[amc80]

Aside from the pure rudeness of asking for cash, you technically are supposed to give a gift. But seeing how you're spending all that money to travel, I would do something small, at best. If they own a house, how about a gift card to home depot? Or another home store? Whatever you do, don't feel obligated to give him cash.

 

[sctsbride09]

I agree with Missy. I would not spend that kind of money on going to someones wedding that Im not that fond of (in fact, I would have to be EXTREMELY fond of them to actually spend that kind of money to attend a wedding) . But if you must attend, I do not think you should be obligated to give a gift at all. I mean, some people dont even spend 3 grand on their own vacation, let alone a social obligation, so that in itself is a huge gift.

And asking for cash?! Can anyone say TACKY!!

 

[TooPatient]

That's a difficult situation to be in and I sympathize with you. However, I would not feel obligated to go to a wedding of someone I do not care for that would cost me so much to get to. If it was local I would go since hey, it is family like them or not. But, because neither you nor your SO like this person it seems above and beyond to spend 3K on the wedding.

If you are going though despite this I do think a gift is the proper thing to do. I know some will disagree and it is true that gifts are voluntary but it is an unwritten rule that it is the norm to give gifts when attending weddings. In fact, I give gifts when invited and I am not able to attend though the gift is not as big as if I was attending the wedding. That is my personal take on the situation.
If you feel you must go bring a gift however small. Certainly you do not need to give cash though! Buy something small and bring it.

Best scenario though would be to send something with a note saying you are sorry you cannot attend and best wishes.

This.

What state is the wedding in?!? ($3,000 is pretty.... impressively high)


I hope it is at least in an area you wanted to visit anyway and that you're planning to spend a few days enjoying yourselves!

 

[Smo]

Thanks for your responses guys, I know you shouldn’t feel obligated to give a gift but he (the groom) is that type of person, you know? He has a real chip on his shoulder about money which I don't even want to get started on.

The request for gifts was via the usual cheesy poem in the invite and there is no registry plus he has made it very clear to other family members that is what they want/expect. I really wish there was a registry as you guys are right, I would totally feel better about handing over a present than a envelope of cash.

Sillyberry, I agree with you on buying a gift/giving cash when you have to travel to the wedding but usually I apply the same logic and I also would expect to really like the person if I am flying somewhere to see them get married!

In fairness on the costs, we are choosing to stay at one of the nicer hotels in the area and are also choosing staying for a few extra days as it is over Easter. My logic was if we had to go to this wedding we may as well stay somewhere nice and enjoy ourselves after it is over. If I was to estimate the costs without those things it would probably be closer to $1500. Everything is expensive as it is Easter and being held in a place that has a huge festival on at the same time.

I really wish we couldn't go but it is not an option, I have to take two extra days off work because they are having the wedding they day before the Easter long weekend and he has insisted everyone gets there the day before for a dinner the night prior to the wedding. Plus I really, really resent having to spend any money on a guy who I don't like (well even actively dislike) and who frankly I think is getting married for the wrong reasons.

 

[slg47]

ok, if maintaining peace with this person is important...then I would get them a gift. from your posts, they seem like the type of people who would be irked if you spent $3k staying at a nice hotel/etc but didn't get them a gift.

i realize you give gifts because you WANT to give them but if this could cause problems down the line...maybe best to just give a moderately sized gift.

 

[mayerling]

I think it's quite rude of him to ask for cash outright.

However, if you're close enough to spend all that money to go to the wedding then you're presumably close enough to give him a gift. If cash is what he wants, just give him what you can afford.