Not doing a registry...

[amc80]

We have decided not to do a registry for a variety of reasons. The big one is that we are doing a destination wedding and don't want guests to feel any need to get us a gift, since they are already giving up a lot of time and money to be there. Plus, neither of us really like the concept of registries. I'd rather have a gift that was thought out than something from a pre-approved list. Just seems weird.

Having said that, my aunt and uncle aren't going to be able to make the wedding, but asked where we were registered. I told her that we've decided not to register. She just emailed me and said "So how do we know what to get you guys? Any ideas?". I'm not sure how to respond. They are very, very well off and I know she genuinely wants to get me something nice, but I'm not sure what to say.

I'm guessing we will continue to have this problem, so any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[zipzapgirl]

If you want lots of silver and crystal picture frames and fluffy towels that do not match, don't register. Most people are not going to assume that not registering absolves them from the duty to give a wedding gift, so they will try to come up with something, but it may be A) wonderfully thoughtful and amazing 2) a great gift you had no idea you needed, or 3) something you can't use, receive multiples of (3 blenders anyone?), and have no chance of returning because you do not have any kind of receipt 4) something just incredibly bizarre or generic or 5) cash/gift cards.

If you do not want gifts at all, then pass the word around that you'd prefer not to receive gifts. Your closest friends and family members are going to find a way to make their gifts meaningful anyhow, but for a normal guest, this seems like it would just be more stressful and potentially wasteful, not to mention confusing.

 

[Autumnovember]

If you want lots of silver and crystal picture frames and fluffy towels that do not match, don't register. Most people are not going to assume that not registering absolves them from the duty to give a wedding gift, so they will try to come up with something, but it may be A) wonderfully thoughtful and amazing 2) a great gift you had no idea you needed, or 3) something you can't use, receive multiples of (3 blenders anyone?), and have no chance of returning because you do not have any kind of receipt 4) something just incredibly bizarre or generic or 5) cash/gift cards.

If you do not want gifts at all, then pass the word around that you'd prefer not to receive gifts. Your closest friends and family members are going to find a way to make their gifts meaningful anyhow, but for a normal guest, this seems like it would just be more stressful and potentially wasteful, not to mention confusing.

Agreed. I think its more weird to have to tell someone what you want than to have them look off a list of things that you DO want.

 

[slg47]

If you want lots of silver and crystal picture frames and fluffy towels that do not match, don't register. Most people are not going to assume that not registering absolves them from the duty to give a wedding gift, so they will try to come up with something, but it may be A) wonderfully thoughtful and amazing 2) a great gift you had no idea you needed, or 3) something you can't use, receive multiples of (3 blenders anyone?), and have no chance of returning because you do not have any kind of receipt 4) something just incredibly bizarre or generic or 5) cash/gift cards.

If you do not want gifts at all, then pass the word around that you'd prefer not to receive gifts. Your closest friends and family members are going to find a way to make their gifts meaningful anyhow, but for a normal guest, this seems like it would just be more stressful and potentially wasteful, not to mention confusing.

agree with this, especially the bolded parts.

 

[amc80]

Thanks for the advice. We are 100% okay not receiving gifts. We know people will be spending thousands of dollars to attend our wedding. We aren't not registering as an attempt to get large sums of cash or anything like that. I know there will still be people who want to get us something though.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree with the previous posters. We were having a very small wedding (25 - 30 guests) and most of them had to travel, so I did not want gifts at all, so we didn't register. A few people asked me what I wanted and I kept saying "nothing, we don't need anything". Then my relatives essentially told me they were either going to get us a gift that we may or may not like or write us a check. I eventually broke down and did a small registry with inexpensive items so that people wouldn't feel obligated to give us money or unwanted gifts. So I do absolutely understand how you feel, but I think it's easiest for everybody if you just give a small list of things you wouldn't mind, otherwise you'll be getting random gifts and checks.

ETA: We were posting at the same time--even when you don't want gifts (we didn't and told everybody we didn't) people still want to get you something...and will! So it can be difficult to navigate. I guess the other option is to give them a list of charities they can donate to in lieu of any gifts because people will want to do something for you no matter how many times you tell them not to worry about it.

 

[vc10um]

I agree with the previous posters. We were having a very small wedding (25 - 30 guests) and most of them had to travel, so I did not want gifts at all, so we didn't register. A few people asked me what I wanted and I kept saying "nothing, we don't need anything". Then my relatives essentially told me they were either going to get us a gift that we may or may not like or write us a check. I eventually broke down and did a small registry with inexpensive items so that people wouldn't feel obligated to give us money or unwanted gifts. So I do absolutely understand how you feel, but I think it's easiest for everybody if you just give a small list of things you wouldn't mind, otherwise you'll be getting random gifts and checks.

ETA: We were posting at the same time--even when you don't want gifts (we didn't and told everybody we didn't) people still want to get you something...and will! So it can be difficult to navigate. I guess the other option is to give them a list of charities they can donate to in lieu of any gifts because people will want to do something for you no matter how many times you tell them not to worry about it.

This, exactly.

We are in much the same boat. We ended up doing registries and will graciously accept any gift received, but we have made it clear that people's attendance is more than gift enough. But that's the joy of GIVING a GIFT. It's often just as enjoyable for the gifter as it is the recipient. So, unless you are moving overseas after the wedding and CAN'T take things with you, or you can't possibly fit a single additional item into your residence, even if you tell people NOT to buy you anything, you WILL receive gifts. Better to get something you need or want, that's your style, than to hate it, no?

 

[mrscushion]

To answer your original question, amc80, since it sounds like your aunt is honestly asking you what you would like, I would give an equally honest answer and send her some 2-4 ideas of things you guys could really use, at somewhat different price points. If you want, you can preface it by saying that you were not expecting any gifts, but that since she is specifically asking, here are some things that would get a lot of use in your new household. Then send a nice thank you note. That's it, I think.

Then, you can spread the word through your bridal party and families that people's travel and presence at your wedding is gift enough. People will still give you stuff, no doubt. I hope it's stuff you find use for

 

[chemgirl]

I had a small wedding and it was destination ish for most of the guests (the 6 hour drive to my wedding was the farthest some of them have ever been from home so guests were referring to it as a destination wedding). I didn't have a registry and I told people that "we didn't expect gifts because we are already established in our home." It didn't work and everyone gave us gifts. Most gave us money. We did get 2 crystal decanters, but other than that no overlap. We found that guests who really wanted to get us something were people we were close with and they knew what we like. Everybody else dropped off a card and in the end we used the money to pay for our honeymoon. It turned out ok.

That said, I think we were lucky and you might have issues without a registry. I think you should make a small registry and tell everyone who is attending that you don't expect gifts. Its probably best to be honest and tell them that you are registering because family members who are unable to attend intend to send gifts and have asked for ideas. I think you will end up with gifts from most of your guests so it doesn't hurt to have one in place.

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband and I had decided not to do a registry before our wedding. We were in our 30s and had lived together for a few years by that point, so we didn't need anything. My mom talked us into registering, for all the reasons mentioned above. People will want to get you something, and honestly, it's easier for them to look at a list of things you'd like than to guess. In the end, I'm glad we registered. We wound up registering for things that we wanted to upgrade (pots and pans, towels, etc.), plus a few decorative items. It was actually fun.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We also had a destination wedding and didn't register for gifts for the same reason. We didn't want people to feel obligated to spend money on gifts if they were already traveling for the wedding. Most people went to the hostesses of the bridal shower and asked the same questions. I adviced them ahead of time that we really didn't expect any gifts and that their best gift was to attend the showers and the wedding, if possible. Of course, there were many people who were unable to attend the wedding and they wanted to give us gifts anyway.

I have to tell you that we received the most thoughtful and USEFUL presents and have never regretted not registering! In fact, had we registered, we would never have received 80% of the amazing gifts we got. Yes, we got crystal and yes, we got silver and sometimes, we got crystal AND silver picture frames! They are beautiful and we love them. We received everything from an electric wine opener -which we use ALL the time, to monogrammed bath towels that my husband would NEVER have let me spend money on but look beautiful in our bathroom when we have parties. One of my favorite gifts was a beautifully cut crystal vase that I honestly would never have thought to register for - honestly, we have sooooo many vases that came with all the flower arrangements over the years. But this one just makes me smile and I love taking it out everytime my husband brings me flowers. It's heavy and shiny and I am staring at it right now. We also got gift cards that we used to buy other items that we hadn't thought of (such as brand new cookware) and other useful presents that we are STILL using two years later (airline miles, maid service, etc.)

I received a pair of oven mitts(?) and measuring spoons/cups....at the time, I thought they were useless and didn't match my kitchen. It turns out, that I can put them in drawers when I am not using them, which is much more often than I thought! I don't know if that will help or confuse you more, but I think people DO actually put thought and effort into wedding presents and even if you get something that you can't immediately use or like, you will appreciate the gesture.

 

[blacksand]

amc, you make me feel like a jerk. I'm just going to come out and admit it. I can't wait to register! Call me greedy or whatever, but there are so many little things I'd never buy for myself but that would be really lovely. I just figure I won't count on receiving everything, and I'll make sure there are plenty of inexpensive items on the list so no one feel like they have to spend a lot. If people don't want to get gifts at all, that's fine, too! I'll be glad to have them there, presents or not. But if they do want to...okay by me! OMG I was drooling over everything at Williams Sonoma yesterday.

Yes, I am an unabashed greedy little witch. But I promise I'm only getting married once!

 

[slg47]

amc, you make me feel like a jerk. I'm just going to come out and admit it. I can't wait to register! Call me greedy or whatever, but there are so many little things I'd never buy for myself but that would be really lovely. I just figure I won't count on receiving everything, and I'll make sure there are plenty of inexpensive items on the list so no one feel like they have to spend a lot. If people don't want to get gifts at all, that's fine, too! I'll be glad to have them there, presents or not. But if they do want to...okay by me! OMG I was drooling over everything at Williams Sonoma yesterday.

Yes, I am an unabashed greedy little witch. But I promise I'm only getting married once!

haha blacksand...I feel the same way. I have been dreaming of the KitchenAid mixer since I was like...10 years old.

 

[amc80]

I don't know if that will help or confuse you more, but I think people DO actually put thought and effort into wedding presents and even if you get something that you can't immediately use or like, you will appreciate the gesture.

That's what I think. I'd rather have something that someone put time into thinking about than just randomly picking off of a list.

 

[amc80]

amc, you make me feel like a jerk. I'm just going to come out and admit it. I can't wait to register! Call me greedy or whatever, but there are so many little things I'd never buy for myself but that would be really lovely. I just figure I won't count on receiving everything, and I'll make sure there are plenty of inexpensive items on the list so no one feel like they have to spend a lot. If people don't want to get gifts at all, that's fine, too! I'll be glad to have them there, presents or not. But if they do want to...okay by me! OMG I was drooling over everything at Williams Sonoma yesterday.

Yes, I am an unabashed greedy little witch. But I promise I'm only getting married once!

Ha! Now I feel bad. I know I'm in the minority here...I know the "normal" thing to do is register. If a friend is getting married and has a registry, great!

Although...some crystal glasses at Williams Sonoma almost made me change my mind. I probably would have given in if not for my fiance...he's standing strong.