What ADVICE Would You Give to Newlyweds?

[iLander]

Lordy, glad to see this thread back on a friendly track!

I suspect Cuso's original post was intended to create controversy, since I'm sure he realized that she is controversial.

Amazon certainly realizes it, which is why at the end of their review they said "While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home."

I think that neatly sums up both sides of the Dr. Laura issues. Let's agree to disagree, and if we can go back to marital advice, I for one, would kind of appreciate it.

 

[rosetta]

Do we? Hey, are you within drinking-distance of Glasgow?

Why, a mere train ride away.

A rather long train ride, mind.

I'm a southern softie, madam.

 

[Jennifer W]

Lordy, glad to see this thread back on a friendly track!

I suspect Cuso's original post was intended to create controversy, since I'm sure he realized that she is controversial.

Amazon certainly realizes it, which is why at the end of their review they said "While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home."

I think that neatly sums up both sides of the Dr. Laura issues. Let's agree to disagree, and if we can go back to marital advice, I for one, would kind of appreciate it.

I'm not sure why you think it was unfriendly. It was a discussion, and an interesting one. I don't think anyone was unfriendly about it. I think it was relevant too - looking at different perspectives on a healthy, lasting relationship, even if we agree to disagree.

rosetta, if you're ever up this way, give me a shout!

Jen

 

[rosetta]

I will do Jen W!

I mean, I'll need someone to translate Glaswegian right?



**runs away before Jen W catches her**

 

[Jennifer W]

Ah, you're safe enough. I'm not Glaswegian by birth, I only go there to shop, drink or start a fight...

 

[Bliss]

Wow, I read this whole thread! Such great advice!!!!

Mine would be to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. In the beginning, I didn't always take what he had to say in the best light. Now that I realize that he first and foremost means well, I have a much easier time communicating without ever getting defensive. He's the one who taught me to TALK THINGS OUT. It has been tremendous. I come from a family where my parents buried issues and then let the pressure cooker go off unexpectedly. So being with DH has really changed my life. I never shy away from discussing even the most difficult or sensitive topics because I always know that with him, I am safe and loved. It never leads to conflict because I have learned that talking things out, even when it becomes heated, is a CONSTRUCTIVE and positive thing that brings you even closer... and what a relief it is to be able to share everything with your partner! I wish my parents had been able to do this!

We've come such a long way in learning to speak each other's languages. Finally, we're creating our own love language. But yeah, definitely my advice would be to always listen and take things as if they were coming from the BEST place in your partner's heart. If it sounds off, gently ask questions and seek to understand before thinking of how it is affecting you.

And most times, people just want to be heard, understood, accepted and loved. You don't have to fix things right away. Just to bear witness with a loving heart is enough to relieve your partner's anxiety or suffering. In this way, you can really heal each other and bring out the best in one another.

And I love the comment about socks on the floor! So true!!!

 

[FuturePsyD]

I believe it is worth the extra money to go to a psychiatrist, they are trained as extensively as an MD.

I should hope so since psychiatrists are MDs.
Just to clarify, psychiatrists are in fact medical doctors, and they differ from psychologists/therapists/counselors in that they did go through medical training and can also prescribe you medications if appropriate.

Yes, I just though it would be confusing to some people if I said they were MD's.

Do you happen to know what the qualifications are to be called a psychologist? I don't, so could you please enlighten?

In California, and many other states, you must have a BA (any major) and a doctorate in Psychology, either Psy.D or Phd from an APA approved school. You must complete 3000 hours as a psychologist trainee/intern. Lastly, once your hours are complete, you must pass the board licensing exam for Psychology in order to call yourself a Psychologist.

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) must have a BA (any major), and Masters in Psychology (emphasis marriage and family). You must then complete 3000 hours as an MFT trainee/intern and lastly, pass the licensing exam for therapists before you can practice as a licensed MFT.

Some Licensed MFTs continue their education and earn their Phd or Psyd, but choose to not take the psychology board exams. These individuals can call themselves doctors, but are not called psychologists because they are not licensed as such. They are Licensed MFTs with a doctorate in psychology. A bit confusing, but all very structured here in CA.

Very disturbing to hear that anyone can call themselves a therapist in your state Ilander.

 

[TravelingGal]

Lordy, glad to see this thread back on a friendly track!

I suspect Cuso's original post was intended to create controversy, since I'm sure he realized that she is controversial.

Amazon certainly realizes it, which is why at the end of their review they said "While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home."

I think that neatly sums up both sides of the Dr. Laura issues. Let's agree to disagree, and if we can go back to marital advice, I for one, would kind of appreciate it.

I'm not sure why you think it was unfriendly. It was a discussion, and an interesting one. I don't think anyone was unfriendly about it. I think it was relevant too - looking at different perspectives on a healthy, lasting relationship, even if we agree to disagree.

rosetta, if you're ever up this way, give me a shout!

Jen

Agree! Aren't we talking about marital advice here? Is it OK to have a discussion? Plus I'd never be unfriendly to Jenn, since I actually consider her a friend!

iLander, it's obvious how you feel about CUSO, but give the guy a break already. You've been ridiculously obvious in your distaste of him, and it's just getting old. Whether or not he was serious (and I think he was), he may have found value in the book. Isn't it nice that the world has differing opinions? I would be really bored if everyone agreed with me. So feel free to disagree with me and tell me to bugger off.

Jenn, probably because I know you a bit better, but I just think you are EXCEPTIONAL. Hehehe. What I meant by exception is that you and your DH don't seem to fall into any particular gender roles. A LOT of married couples do (and nothing wrong with that - as TGuy and I certainly tend to do that to some extend).

As for Dr. Laura, I wouldn't really comment on her unless I read the book. I wouldn't follow the "ridiculous" stuff either...but I can almost always appreciate a straight shooter, even if I don't agree with them. As least you know where they stand. It's the passive agressive stuff that drives me nuts.

 

[Haven]

[ . . . ]
Mine would be to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. [ . . . ]

Oh, this is SO GOOD.

I learned how to do this from DH, and it really is so very important.

 

[somethingshiny]

Thought of another thing. Don't know how I left this out of my initial post.


Forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive some more. No one's perfect. Don't hold a grudge about it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My advice would be know how to forge his signature lol (that was on page 47 of the Dr. Laura book)

 

[Jennifer W]

Lordy, glad to see this thread back on a friendly track!

I suspect Cuso's original post was intended to create controversy, since I'm sure he realized that she is controversial.

Amazon certainly realizes it, which is why at the end of their review they said "While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home."

I think that neatly sums up both sides of the Dr. Laura issues. Let's agree to disagree, and if we can go back to marital advice, I for one, would kind of appreciate it.

I'm not sure why you think it was unfriendly. It was a discussion, and an interesting one. I don't think anyone was unfriendly about it. I think it was relevant too - looking at different perspectives on a healthy, lasting relationship, even if we agree to disagree.

rosetta, if you're ever up this way, give me a shout!

Jen

Agree! Aren't we talking about marital advice here? Is it OK to have a discussion? Plus I'd never be unfriendly to Jenn, since I actually consider her a friend!

iLander, it's obvious how you feel about CUSO, but give the guy a break already. You've been ridiculously obvious in your distaste of him, and it's just getting old. Whether or not he was serious (and I think he was), he may have found value in the book. Isn't it nice that the world has differing opinions? I would be really bored if everyone agreed with me. So feel free to disagree with me and tell me to bugger off.

Jenn, probably because I know you a bit better, but I just think you are EXCEPTIONAL. Hehehe. What I meant by exception is that you and your DH don't seem to fall into any particular gender roles. A LOT of married couples do (and nothing wrong with that - as TGuy and I certainly tend to do that to some extend).

As for Dr. Laura, I wouldn't really comment on her unless I read the book. I wouldn't follow the "ridiculous" stuff either...but I can almost always appreciate a straight shooter, even if I don't agree with them. As least you know where they stand. It's the passive agressive stuff that drives me nuts.

I am exceptional! A special snowflake....
One of the good things about PS is being able to find friends who have different views and lifestyles and see the world from different perspectives. TGal has a fantastic marriage and I have a fantastic marriage, both built along different lines. I'd never be unfriendly to her either, she's pretty darned wonderful!

 

[bee*]

Great thread! We're together over 11 years, married for 1.5 years. My main piece of advice is to turn off the tv, internet, any other distractions and actually sit down and talk to each other daily. We try and have dinner together every night, even if I'm working late and it's really helped us.
DH and I also don't have many of the same hobbies but we try and listen to each other talk about our respective hobbies and it's nice to show an interest, even if you don't share that same interest.

 

[ksinger]

My advice would be know how to forge his signature lol (that was on page 47 of the Dr. Laura book)

LOL! I just went out to Amazon to read their handy review of that book and to see if I could get Amazon to let me see that page (it wouldn't let me, alas), and one of the reviewers said pretty much what I said earlier,

"...this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but ..."

What a hoot. Everything old is new again. Apparently, the similarity in views must strong enough that anyone can see it. (Believe me, no one who read Morgan's book EVER forgot the saran wrap bit. )

You know, if men are as simple and direct as both of these woman say they are, they must think that the women who write these books and the women who read them, are absolutely insane.

Really, someone should ONLY go to a hack like Laura after they've ignored all the fab advice in this thread. I'd trust this group of people long before someone like her.

 

[iLander]

Lordy, glad to see this thread back on a friendly track!

I suspect Cuso's original post was intended to create controversy, since I'm sure he realized that she is controversial.

Amazon certainly realizes it, which is why at the end of their review they said "While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home."

I think that neatly sums up both sides of the Dr. Laura issues. Let's agree to disagree, and if we can go back to marital advice, I for one, would kind of appreciate it.

I'm not sure why you think it was unfriendly. It was a discussion, and an interesting one. I don't think anyone was unfriendly about it. I think it was relevant too - looking at different perspectives on a healthy, lasting relationship, even if we agree to disagree.

rosetta, if you're ever up this way, give me a shout!

Jen

Didn't say it was unfriendly.

If I said you look pretty today, would you say "So I looked ugly yesterday?"

Didn't say it was unfriendly.

Just trying to get it back to it's original intent, and away from the Dr Laura thread jack.

 

[steph72276]

My advice after being married 8 years:

Share financial responsibility. Make sure both partners are in the know on all things financial...money is the biggest reason for marriage breakups.

Take time for dates/weekends alone after kids. Children can bring you closer together, but they can also drain your time/energy and take away from important alone time. Even if you have to spend $$ on a babysitter, make it a priority to have some just adult time to reconnect.

I actually like Dr. Laura's advice, although I despise the way it is written to just benefit the husband....both the husband and wife need respect, appreciation, and intimacy. And good food cooked by either partner is a plus!

Try to do little things here and there for your spouse. For me, it makes me so happy when my husband takes out the trash without me having to ask, takes the kids outside to play so I can get a break, or like this Christmas he remembered some shower gel I had said I wanted to get months ago and got it for me. It shows he listens and thinks about me. I try to do the same kind of little things here and there for him, like buying him tickets to a sporting event for him and a friend and surprising him with a night out. The little things add up.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My advice would be know how to forge his signature lol (that was on page 47 of the Dr. Laura book)

LOL! I just went out to Amazon to read their handy review of that book and to see if I could get Amazon to let me see that page (it wouldn't let me, alas), and one of the reviewers said pretty much what I said earlier,

"...this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but ..."

What a hoot. Everything old is new again. Apparently, the similarity in views must strong enough that anyone can see it. (Believe me, no one who read Morgan's book EVER forgot the saran wrap bit. )

You know, if men are as simple and direct as both of these woman say they are, they must think that the women who write these books and the women who read them, are absolutely insane.

Really, someone should ONLY go to a hack like Laura after they've ignored all the fab advice in this thread. I'd trust this group of people long before someone like her.

Ksinger - lol (you know I made the dr. laura part up, right? lol) I came up with that advice to give out at a party. My other tip is have his SS # memorized. hahaha I'm so bad, I know. (everyone had the love and cherish parts, etc....guess I've been with my DH too long and think more practically)

ETA - I have some red holiday saran wrap left over. Should try it on DH. Will report back with results. He may end up freaking and running for his life. lol

 

[ksinger]

My advice would be know how to forge his signature lol (that was on page 47 of the Dr. Laura book)

LOL! I just went out to Amazon to read their handy review of that book and to see if I could get Amazon to let me see that page (it wouldn't let me, alas), and one of the reviewers said pretty much what I said earlier,

"...this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but ..."

What a hoot. Everything old is new again. Apparently, the similarity in views must strong enough that anyone can see it. (Believe me, no one who read Morgan's book EVER forgot the saran wrap bit. )

You know, if men are as simple and direct as both of these woman say they are, they must think that the women who write these books and the women who read them, are absolutely insane.

Really, someone should ONLY go to a hack like Laura after they've ignored all the fab advice in this thread. I'd trust this group of people long before someone like her.

Ksinger - lol (you know I made the dr. laura part up, right? lol) I came up with that advice to give out at a party. My other tip is have his SS # memorized. hahaha I'm so bad, I know. (everyone had the love and cherish parts, etc....guess I've been with my DH too long and think more practically)

ETA - I have some red holiday saran wrap left over. Should try it on DH. Will report back with results. He may end up freaking and running for his life. lol

No actually I didn't! LOL! But I'm going to go out on a limb here (and probably offend someone) by claiming that there must be a little known law, similar to and likely derived from, Poe's Law (look it up), that applies to bombastic "marriage" counselors.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Can't wait to hear how the saran works. Jen said HER husband would die in his rusted truck first, you say yours would run freaking, mine would die in a paroxysm of laughter. Whichever, NOT good for one's love life I'm thinkin'....

 

[TravelingGal]

My advice would be know how to forge his signature lol (that was on page 47 of the Dr. Laura book)

LOL! I just went out to Amazon to read their handy review of that book and to see if I could get Amazon to let me see that page (it wouldn't let me, alas), and one of the reviewers said pretty much what I said earlier,

"...this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but ..."

What a hoot. Everything old is new again. Apparently, the similarity in views must strong enough that anyone can see it. (Believe me, no one who read Morgan's book EVER forgot the saran wrap bit. )

You know, if men are as simple and direct as both of these woman say they are, they must think that the women who write these books and the women who read them, are absolutely insane.

Really, someone should ONLY go to a hack like Laura after they've ignored all the fab advice in this thread. I'd trust this group of people long before someone like her.

Ksinger - lol (you know I made the dr. laura part up, right? lol) I came up with that advice to give out at a party. My other tip is have his SS # memorized. hahaha I'm so bad, I know. (everyone had the love and cherish parts, etc....guess I've been with my DH too long and think more practically)

ETA - I have some red holiday saran wrap left over. Should try it on DH. Will report back with results. He may end up freaking and running for his life. lol

No actually I didn't! LOL! But I'm going to go out on a limb here (and probably offend someone) by claiming that there must be a little known law, similar to and likely derived from, Poe's Law (look it up), that applies to bombastic "marriage" counselors.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Can't wait to hear how the saran works. Jen said HER husband would die in his rusted truck first, you say yours would run freaking, mine would die in a paroxysm of laughter. Whichever, NOT good for one's love life I'm thinkin'....

Mine would wonder if he should be microwaving me.

 

[Bliss]

*Disclaimer* I have a friend in PR who gets all the advance copies of books for free and she knows I'm a book junkie - so I get them all. And I read almost all of them! Hahaha, so I can say I've read a lot of books I would NEVER have paid money for or picked up in the bookstore of my own volition! *Disclaimer*

Anyway, I have actually read Dr. Laura's book and though it has been years, I remember enjoying it very much. As a career woman who expects mutual respect and love from her partner, I don't remember the book striking me as retro or subservient at all. The title of the book and the jacket made me chuckle and I thought I would be poking fun at the material inside as well. But you should actually read the book before jumping to conclusions. Don't just read what other people who have read the book say about it - that's not enough to formulate an intelligent opinion of your own, is it? Critics often pull very specific lines out of context to support their points or build an argument - remember, their goal is to make a very strong impression one way or another...the more outrageous, the better! They're trying to make a name for themselves, too. As for me, I'd rather read the actual book before I say it's terrible or awesome. Hmmm... Anyway, I still have the book, which means there were some good takeaways in there.

The main point Dr. Laura tries to make is: to receive love, one must give it. And her book tries to be a manual on how women can perhaps better understand their partners so that we can effectively understand and show them appreciation in man code. It is not a "have sex, make dinner and be pretty" manual. I agree with Dr. Laura in that love begets love. To receive the amazing romance and have a helpful partner is an incredible gift, indeed! But it is created from mutual giving and insightful TLC. A lot of women don't understand their men (not the intelligent women here) - but we all know women who are NEVER satisfied with their husbands and never give, yet expect to be treated as queens. These women would benefit from the book, I think. Because I believe men truly want more than anything to please their wives. I feel that if we looked more for what they're doing right instead of focusing on what they're doing wrong, everyone would be happier. And when you give more, the partner (unless you're married to a selfish dork) will also look for ways to please YOU - thus, the beautiful dialogue and rich satisfaction grows and grows. Everyone benefits in such a thriving garden, no?

Anyway... Cheers!

 

[trillionaire]

1.) Always do things together. Always do things apart.
2.) Always work on being a better partner.
3.) and this excerpt from our wedding ceremony: "It should never be said of either of you that you show more concern for a friend than you do for each other. More kindness, gentleness and concern need be shown in the privacy of your own home than
anywhere else." - if you have the capacity to be funny, thoughtful, patient, sexy with ANYONE else, then you have the capacity to do it for, with, or to your spouse, and they know this too, which is why people are so resentful when their spouse is cold and harsh with them and warm and charming with others.


Together 7.25 years, married .25 years.

 

[trillionaire]

I also found this advice that we got during Premarital Edcuation to be very illuminating and thought it deserved it's own reply.

For a relationship to be happy and stable, the magic ratio is FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative interaction. Yes, you heard that right 5:1. (not 1:1, or 2:1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

Negative interactions far outweigh the positive, and the reason that this ratio is so key is this: MOST of your marital interactions are neutral. You ask him to do something, he reminds you of something you said you were going to do. Regular, mundane stuff. Couples getting their 5:1 ratio will view these neutral interactions as positive, or neutral, while couples getting less than the 5:1 ratio start injecting their negativity about their relationship into neutral interactions, and creating a toxic climate.

Imagine:
Neutral interaction: Hey honey, don't forget to pick up Suzy.

Positive response:I love you DH/DW, always keeping me on my toes
Neutral response: Yeah, it is my day. Will do.
Negative response: Of course I remember that it's my day, I have never left Suzy before like you did last week!

The receiver can view the original statement as a helpful reminder (positive), a general reminder (neutral) or an indictment (negative).

Hopefully that makes sense. I am much more conscious of this now, and it helps to take note of when you are communicating neutral things, and your partner is responding negatively. That's a perfect time to either start putting positive energy in the relationship, take time to reconnect, or just sit and talk about what's on their mind to see if anything is bothering them. You can also check yourself by recognizing that you are overreacting to small comments, and then doing some assessment of what is really bugging you and discuss that with your partner.

We laughed during our Premarital Education when the discussion leader warned us that if we wanted to give our partner the silent treatment for a day or two, remember that you will have to be nice to them for 5-10 days, and it will snap you right out of it!

Also, the 5 to one ratio works like a bank. Deposit 5+ for each 1 withdrawl. Overdrafting is HIGHLY negative, and you can't ask for a loan with no credit!

 

[diva rose]

My husband leaves for work before I get up, yet he STILL brings in the newspaper, takes it out of the bag and puts it on the kitchen table for me. He got into doing it for me when my arthritis was so bad I couldn't even open a door...I've told him I can do it myself but he told me he likes doing it for me...

This really touches me . . .

That is so sweet - really touched me also.

 

[diva rose]

Hey, nobody should be flaming you for making your life choices. We don't have to agree, but we do have to respect your right to make any choices you want to.

I tried the 'greet your DH in a negligee' once, for fun. EPIC FAIL! We'd found a book from another era in the attic of our house, with lots of wifely and household advice, which included the negligee and "a lovely bright, fresh ribbon in your hair to cheer him after a long day at work." So, for a giggle, I thought I'd give it a go.

I went out and bought a negligee (which turns out to be a sort of short, see-through night dress with lace, in case I was the only one who'd never seen such an item...) and a bit of ribbon. Raced home from work early one evening, got into said itchy under-thing and tied the ribbon. We lived in a very old restoration-project farm house at the time, and I inadvertently picked the night of the worst storm in living memory.

After getting done up in the outfit, I remembered that I hadn't fed the chickens. Well, it was a fairly secluded spot and no-one would see me, so I put my rubber hunter boots on over the stockings and wandered out to the chicken shed, in the howling gale. Minutes later, the biggest truck you ever saw gets blown right off the road and ends up with the front of it's hood less than three inches from where I'm standing. Then some slates blow off the roof of one of the outbuildings, catching me on the side of my head.

So there I am, standing in a negligee, hair ribbon and rubber boots, holding a pail of chicken feed, dripping blood and contemplating my near death experience, when the driver crawls out of his truck cab, which is lying on its side in my vegetable patch (freshly dug over) looks at me and says "Um, is this a bad time?"

I took him into the house and put on the first thing I could find to cover up the negligee- an old duffel coat on a peg by the door that I think belonged to the house's previous owner (who died ten years before we moved in - nice)! There was no electricity because of the storm, and this poor man was obviously in shock. Not sure my appearance really helped that much, but maybe it wasn't too bad by paraffin lamp?

Anyway, I thought I probably needed to get him warm, so I tried to light the fire. The chimney wasn't drawing smoke, so I did the thing you never do (on a par with peering into a hosepipe to see if the water is on its way) I stuck my head up the chimney to take a look. Naturally, DH picked this moment to come home, giving the door a good slam that loosened enough soot from the chimney to cover me, my hair ribbon, duffel coat, rubber boots and of course, the negligee.

When the paramedics arrived to see to the truck driver (he was fine, minor cuts and bruises) they asked why he had tried to drive down that road (high up, very exposed to the elements) since the police were stopping high-sided vehicles due to the gale. He said that they had stopped and asked if his truck was fully loaded, and when he said yes, they told him it would be ok to drive on, assuming that the weight of his load would make the truck stable. They didn't ask what the load was which is how we ended up picking "super- lightweight polystyrene ceiling tiles" out of the vegetable patch for months afterwards.

I have not tried greeting DH in a negligee since that day.

This is so funny - I have tears in my eyes from laughing too hard. Love the story!

 

[diva rose]

Ok I am just going clarify here about Dr Laura - since people are discussing her.
She is NOT a qualified professional as a psychologist or family therapist or counsellor.
She got 'DR' attached to her name because she did a phd in physiology - her thesis was actually on the effects of insulin on rats.
Physiology is a science major looking at living systems and is not related to understanding of relationships or the human emotion/mind/development. Totally different.

It was only AFTER she started giving advice on radio that she went and did a certification course on marriage and family counselling.
Does this qualify you as an expert in the area? No - it certainly does not. In fact she is very vague about her qualifications as a 'therapist'.
There is a reason why she DOES NOT state she is a counsellor or psychologist because she isn't qualified as one.

 

[monarch64]

I was married for a few years in the '00's. I am now engaged to be married again, and we are planning a 2011 wedding.

I speak from some experience, I think, and woud like to add to this discussion.

Beauty in life is hard to remember; let us remember it in each other! Your spouse is the most beautiful person you know!

Our health is the first and foremost key to life as we know it; let us maintain our health for ourselves as that is the only way our loved ones physically know us and is most important. Without our health we have nothing.


Where wealth is concerned; let us not be jealous. Let us encourage our mate to succeed and prosper and let us encourage each other to fulfill together what it is we seek in life. Together, we will find happiness for ourselves and our offspring, and find true love and happiness.

My dad once told me, there are three important things in life: your health, (without it you have nothing,) your loved ones (obvious!), and anything beyond that is wealth. Every day I try to remember that I have my health when others don't, I have love, and I will have a family someday. I wish everyone the best and fullest in life. Thanks for listening/reading.

 

[AdiS]

We've been together for 7 years, married for 4. I think the single sentence that has resonated most powerfully in our marriage, is what the priest told us, quietly and for our ears only, after he married us: "You two are your own little world now; it's up to you what you choose to fill it with over the rest of your lives-anger and hate or love and respect."

We chose love and we try to never let anything from the "outside" world creep into our happy bubble. If a fight with your colleague had you all worked up and ready for violence, or there was a driver on your way home that made you tear your hair out with their incompetence, or you had a bad argument with a friend - don't bring the aggression and rage home with you. Just leave it at the door. You can talk about it, and I'll always be there to listen, but never pour the foul emotions over your partner. That's why my husband goes out for a run or for a little work out at the gym after work, and I usually take a long, hot bath, before we sit together to talk about our day. Believe me, everything seems so less horrible when you've had a chance to calm down and cleanse yourself of your more unpleasant feelings. Of course, this rule does not concern serious life problems, where the shared burden is half a burden, just petty, everyday matters.

Also, never take anything the other does for you, for granted. I agree with whoever before me said to always say "Thank you." For as long as I can remember, I've had the worst pain and cramps on the first day of my period. Ever since the first month of our relationship, where hubby had to witness the pitiful state I was in, he's taken it upon himself to try and make me feel better somehow. Every month for the past 7 years. Whether it is with a huge chocolate bar, my favourite cheeseburger or a new book to cuddle on the couch with, he makes that day of the month a little brighter for me. And I never forget to tell him and show him how much that means to me.

Never bring up old, resolved and unrelated issues into your arguments. Talk about only the matter at hand and don't resort to examples where he's wronged you a year ago in a completely different situation. Don't hurl insults at each other, no matter how angry you are. That wouldn't help in any way with your discussion, but you'll both remember the sting of the nasty word long after the fight is over.

On a more shallow note, we try to look good for each other. It's not the most important thing in the world, true, but it doesn't hurt, either. A little lip gloss and a comb through your hair is enough to not feel like a complete rag after a long day at work. And feeling good about the way you look makes your partner look at you a little more appreciatively, which in turn makes you feel better about the way you look, which... You get it. It's a virtuous circle.

And, finally, try to make each other smile. Just do something stupid, childish, to elicit a laugh. Hubby and I have this contest where we email each other the most absurd pics we are able to find and we make the winning photo our desktop background for a while. And my husband's colleagues were mightily impressed that he was brave enough to sport a kitty with a Halloween witch hat as his background.

Just don't take life too seriously. It will never be bad only or good only, it's always cycles, ups and downs. The faster you accept that, the more fully you'll be able to enjoy the good and get over the bad.

 

[tigian]

I also found this advice that we got during Premarital Edcuation to be very illuminating and thought it deserved it's own reply.

For a relationship to be happy and stable, the magic ratio is FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative interaction. Yes, you heard that right 5:1. (not 1:1, or 2:1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

Negative interactions far outweigh the positive, and the reason that this ratio is so key is this: MOST of your marital interactions are neutral. You ask him to do something, he reminds you of something you said you were going to do. Regular, mundane stuff. Couples getting their 5:1 ratio will view these neutral interactions as positive, or neutral, while couples getting less than the 5:1 ratio start injecting their negativity about their relationship into neutral interactions, and creating a toxic climate.

Imagine:
Neutral interaction: Hey honey, don't forget to pick up Suzy.

Positive response:I love you DH/DW, always keeping me on my toes
Neutral response: Yeah, it is my day. Will do.
Negative response: Of course I remember that it's my day, I have never left Suzy before like you did last week!

The receiver can view the original statement as a helpful reminder (positive), a general reminder (neutral) or an indictment (negative).

Hopefully that makes sense. I am much more conscious of this now, and it helps to take note of when you are communicating neutral things, and your partner is responding negatively. That's a perfect time to either start putting positive energy in the relationship, take time to reconnect, or just sit and talk about what's on their mind to see if anything is bothering them. You can also check yourself by recognizing that you are overreacting to small comments, and then doing some assessment of what is really bugging you and discuss that with your partner.

We laughed during our Premarital Education when the discussion leader warned us that if we wanted to give our partner the silent treatment for a day or two, remember that you will have to be nice to them for 5-10 days, and it will snap you right out of it!

Also, the 5 to one ratio works like a bank. Deposit 5+ for each 1 withdrawl. Overdrafting is HIGHLY negative, and you can't ask for a loan with no credit!

Trillionaire,
Thanks for posting this information. Makes perfect sense, but have never seen it broken down like this. I will definitely be more conscious of our daily interactions.

 

[iLander]

And, finally, try to make each other smile. Just do something stupid, childish, to elicit a laugh. Hubby and I have this contest where we email each other the most absurd pics we are able to find and we make the winning photo our desktop background for a while. And my husband's colleagues were mightily impressed that he was brave enough to sport a kitty with a Halloween witch hat as his background.

Just don't take life too seriously. It will never be bad only or good only, it's always cycles, ups and downs. The faster you accept that, the more fully you'll be able to enjoy the good and get over the bad.

Totally agree! I think humor is SO necessary!

In my family, I'm the "funny one", but sometimes my DH will make a joke that makes me choke with laughter.

 

[LGK]

Living together since 1996, married since 2001.

I'd say the really major things that were *learned* over time, would be: don't be afraid to do things differently, if it suits the two of you better. Even *really* differently. There's no one right path or answer for any couple, and you might need to negotiate and compromise a lot to find it... but when you do? It's awesome.

Don't overshare or blurt out things that could hurt, without thinking. Do not, do not. There are things that no future spouse really needs to know or hear- and I, when we were casually dating, didn't really... edit things about my past... that I probably should have. On one hand, it's not like we'll get blindsided by some unpleasantness from the past. But I definitely shared a bit too much in the way of *detail*. I don't mean, you know, keep huge secrets or lie. But just know what is going to be TMI.

Definitely keeping to limits in terms of what's OK when fighting is super important. Fighting is inevitable, healthy even. Just don't turn it into thermonuclear warfare. No truly trying to hurt the other person. Making spoken terms isn't a bad idea, honestly.

And definitely know that it isn't going to be all tiptoeing through tulips together. I mean, sure, there's a lot of that. But you have to be ready for some not-so-great stuff, and be ready to be strong for the other person when they need it. And vice versa.

And talking is so freaking important. About everything.

Personally I love that even after 15 years my husband is super affectionate, it makes me feel very connected to him and loved. While I was reading this thread he came and snuggled up behind me while i was perching on the edge of the couch, petted my hair, kissed me and wandered off again. He tells me he loves me every single day (and vice versa) and he holds doors for me, holds my hand when we walk, etc.