Living as house guest in bad situation

[cara]

I agree with Kimberley and VRbeauty. The only concrete explanation you have shared with us as to why you are staying is that your husband told you not to leave. This makes me concerned for both your husband's judgment and desire to look out for you, and your own willingness to look out for yourself. It's not about confrontation per se - your willingness to look out for yourself and not tolerate unacceptable treatment from others does not require anyone else's permission. For example, you write,

Like you said about "that it's more important to keep the peace than to speak honestly about how you feel or how another person's actions might be hurting or harming you," is NOT how I feel, however speaking out has only made worse. I'm a VERY confrontational woman. The deal is my MIL is not. She is bubbily while actually fuming with hatred. Jekle and Hyde. If I say one thing in defense, she flips out!

But it seems you have given your MIL control over what you will or will not tolerate here. She reacts a certain way, so you decide not do speak up any more. You have abdicated to her childrearing decisions. You have given to your husband control over whether you will or will not leave an unhealthy living environment. This is your life, and you are posting here to complain about the admittedly horrible living situation, but you aren't owning your own decisions. By choosing to stay, you are tolerating all the horrible treatment. The cat-killing, and whatnot. Exposing your kids to the toxic treatment you are receiving from their grandma. Etc. It isn't a matter of speaking up to your not-so-rational MIL (trying to reason with irrational people is not usually a good plan), it is a matter of taking concrete action to get yourself out of harm's way.

Is there a counselor or someone you can see to talk to in person? In particular, if staying really is the best option for you and your family, due to whatever logistical reasons, then you should actively make that decision yourself rather than just putting your husband in the decision making role and yourself in the martyr role. Then at least you will have made a choice to stay, however compromised a choice it was. A counselor might also give you some insight into more successful ways to interact with your MIL, or concerns about her behavior and the risks of staying that you might not have thought of. But it seems there is little we peanuts on the internet can do besides listen to you vent and offer our sympathies. And tell you that you deserve better! But you have to willing to stand up for yourself to get that better treatment sometimes. (And this is looking like one of those times when the better treatment is not going to be handed to you on a silver platter. You will have to demand it for yourself.)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am very late to the thread and didn't read everyone's responses but I would advise you to move you. You said your aunt has a home you can live in which would be a better situation for YOU and your boys. That is the most important thing. She sounds toxic and cruel. Even if we are missing parts of the story, it seems like you living there is just NOT working. Why are you forcing the square peg in the round hole? Will you hurt her feelings if you leave? Probably, but that is none of your business OR your responsibility. You can choose not to absorb her craziness and anger. Would you tell your boys to stick out a horrible situation to spare the other person's feelings? I doubt it. Things will not improve. You have to decide if you are willing to accept the unacceptable. Family or not, NO ONE has the right to verbally abuse you. She is fishing and you are taking the bait every time. I am worried how far things will go.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

 

[Mara]

Ditto everyone else who says MOVE OUT. No amt of money is worth that kind of headache, she will be happier and so will you and the kids.

If my husband told me to just grin and bear bad treatment esp with his children around, I'd spend that night in the swankiest hotel I could find and make sure to use HIS credit card to charge it to. End of story.

 

[Lovinggems]

If you decided to move out MC, try and do it when your MIL isn't around, you don't need another psychotic confrontation with her. I've read your other threads and I cannot believe you agreed to moving into your MIL's house. All the best.

 

[kittybean]

Move out! It sounds like you are in the middle of an awful, toxic situation. It can't be good for your children to stay there with that so much bad behavior and manipulation on their grandmother's part. Tell your DH that he can deal with the fallout when he gets home--you need to do what is best for you and your kids.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Maybe it is stockholm syndrome. They live in a large 5 bedroom, 4.5 bath home that they had planned to walk from but they told me now that we're here they're going to stay. Basically, having us here gives them an excuse to keep this huge house. My dh said he's worried about me but to hang on for the month till he gets back. Keeps asking if the tension has reduced.

 

[cara]

I'm so confused- how is the size of the inlaws house relevant? And aren't you planning to move out of it anyway in another month, so how would the logistics of them keeping this too-large house really change if you move out a month early? And why would you stay in *such* an unhealthy situation just because the inlaws have a large house when they are treating you so abysmally? It really is a non squitor.

Again, it sounds like you aren't taking care of yourself. You deserve to be treated respectfully, and to live in a healthy environment. Your kids also deserve better. Now if you had no where else to stay and no money and this horrible but temporary situation was the best you could do, maybe staying would be a reasonable decision. But from the information you have posted on this thread, ie. You have somewhere else to stay, your reasons for staying are all out of proportion to your potential reasons for leaving. Please just think about why you are prioritizing your inlaws feelings over securing a respectful and healthy living environment for you and your family.

 

[decodelighted]

Does this sound applicable to your situation? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

 

[sunseeker101]

MC, it does sound like a trip to a good therapist would help with all of this. Your posts do relate a resignation and like other posters I'm willing you to stand up and demand the kind, loving treatment that you are entitled to, and evade the unreasonable cruelty that no-one deserves. My greatest concern would be your DH's attitudes towards your feelings -- does he tend to discount the emotional in his and your reasoning generally? If the attitude towards what's currently going on is that you're 'taking one for the team' by putting up with your MIL, what is a valid reasoning for doing so? In the case where you and your children are being upset, the money reasoning is null and void (especially when there's somewhere else to go) -- but only in the case where emotional safety is highly valued. Could it be that your DH just wasn't raised to see/appreciate/value this aspect of things? If this is the case there's every hope that you would end up feeling powerless -- I hope you take this issue and your feelings about it to someone who can really 'get it'. Apologies if I'm way off the mark, and the best of luck

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MC, hopefully things are improving. What do you mean they were going to walk away from their house? Ask yourself honestly if you are a victim or a volunteer.

 

[VRBeauty]

MC - I'm sorry, but I tend to agree with deco and aeoli - there's something going on with you that you that you need to look at. Your recent responses just don't make much sense given the severity of the emotional abuse you're describing. Your latest response -- that your in-laws have told you that they are now planning to stay in their house now that you and your family are there -- is somewhat chilling. I'm willing to bet that they'll be leaning on your husband to extend the shared living arrangement even after he returns... and from what you've told us so far, I would not bet against him caving in to their coercion.

 

[KimberlyH]

Um, Stocklholm Sydrome involves people who are held against their will, so unless MC is a hostage I don't think that term applies.

 

[VRBeauty]

Um, Stocklholm Sydrome involves people who are held against their will, so unless MC is a hostage I don't think that term applies.

Mea culpa -- You're right. Battered person syndrome or learned helplessness, which deco mentioned, would have been more appropriate.

 

[KimberlyH]

Um, Stocklholm Sydrome involves people who are held against their will, so unless MC is a hostage I don't think that term applies.

Mea culpa -- You're right. Battered person syndrome or learned helplessness, which deco mentioned, would have been more appropriate.

VR, I didn't mean to come off so nasty, I just think MC isn't considering her role in this mess.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update. We did move. I ended up getting a place while my husband was still gone and luckily got approved even with him not here! lol

My MIL hugged me and told me she is going to miss all our fighting! eh.

Anyway, that is the good news. We also adopted a new kitty. He's 3 months old and I found him on CL. He's solid black (even black whiskers!) and is named Licorice.

The bad news is we moved outside of school boundries and we tried to get our kids back into their school via variance but the school has room for only my younger son so we are on a waiting list for my older (and didn't want to put the younger in without his brother being there so right now both are at new schools). Due to being in a city, the buildings are older/smaller so also, to compound things, they each go to different schools! Both were okay the first day, but we saw some friends and now both are super upset! Damn budget cuts and class overflows

Oh, and their previous school was rated 9 out of 10 and the new one, for my older, is 3 out of 10! They went from the best elementary in the district to the worst. ETA - their previous school ALWAYS approved variances in the past, so it was assumed both would get in and this was why I didn't concern myself when looking for a new place. Took ONE extra kid for my son not to get the variance. ONE!

 

[junebug17]

Thanks for the update MC! I'm so glad to hear you were able to get your own place, it really seemed like the best solution for everyone involved.

Sorry to hear about the school situation, though.

Oh, and congrats on your new kitty! Love the name!

 

[movie zombie]

glad you got moved sorry about the school mess while MIL will miss the fighting, i'm sure you will NOT!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks! After much persistance and luck, we have been able to get a variance for my kids. We're so lucky. I mean ultra. I had exhausted all means, even approached district about the WASL score differenciation between the two schools without much hope, and had given up. . .then got a call on Fri that the school will be able to get them back in. They'll be re-enrolled this week.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MC, great news! Enjoy your new place!