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asking permission

Rose_Dust

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
158
How many of you are from families where asking the guy asking permission to marry the girl is needed? Will your SO be asking your parents to marry you?

Here's my situtation, I don't think I'm from one of those families but my BF wants to ask permission anyway. The thing is he's too afraid to do it, so he keeps complaining about it and it's driving me nuts. I tell him just treat it like a bandaid, do it fast and get it over with. It's torture that he keeps telling me because I know he's not going to ask me until he asks them. Knowing my parents they're not going to have some heartfelt conversation about it, their reponse will probably be just "ok" and then that's the end of the conversation. So what do I do? Do you have any advice on what I could say to him to give him confidence? I obviously want him to ask me soon because being a LIW when the ring is in the house is torture.


Side note- Went to a wedding this weekend- caught the bouquet :bigsmile:
 

Callisto

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
1,152
My SO called and asked for my father's blessing on asking me to marry him. I thought it was a really good combination of tradition and modern relationships. I don't need my father's "permission" to do anything, which also sounds a bit archaic to me. But I know my dad felt really honored to have been asked for his blessing and would have been upset if SO hadn't talked to him first.
 

Rose_Dust

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
158
Yeah it's more symbolic than functional, it's not like I won't marry my SO if my parents said no (not that they would).
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,375
Tell him to be a man. :)
 

Rose_Dust

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
158
Haha, that doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere.
 

Callisto

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
1,152
Are you close in location to them? What about having dinner with them and talking about it together. i.e. asking them as a couple for their blessing on getting engaged. Still gets the "permission" without a dad-SO convo.
 

kelpie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
2,362
Congrats on the bouquet! I swear to you it works, I caught one and got engaged a week later! My fiance knew it was important to me to ask my dad's permission, not because my dad's approval was necessary or relevant or that he expected to have a say but because I knew Dad would be touched and it would make him feel important and win serious brownie points for my fiance. So it's a nice idea I think, and it's a chance to for them to get to know each other better.
 

Grlsbestfrnd

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2010
Messages
683
My BF is going to ask my dad for permission and I love that he's going to. It's not something he has to do but he knows my dad would appreciate it. It's really just about tradition and can be seen as a sign of respect.

Maybe if you guys ever go over there together he could get your dad alone and ask him. It might make him less nervous than if he were to drive over there by himself. If you don't ever go visit them maybe he could just ask over the phone?
 

Rae~

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2005
Messages
291
I feel REALLY weird about my partner asking my father for "permission" to marry me. He feels he has to at least ask for my father's blessing; I said he must ask both my parents, not just my father.

It's hard to explain, but I suppose, essentially, I dislike the implications:
a) that I am a chattel to be passed around, and
b) (much more important!) that this sort of important decision is up to anyone other than ME!?

I can't relate to wanting it, but I do think that everyone should do what suits them and their beliefs. :))
 

PrincessNatalie

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2010
Messages
382
No he will not and I would not want him to do so.

I am extremely independent, have lived out of home and taken complete care of myself since I was 19. and I am very uncomfortable with the idea of any permission being sought/given.

The only permission he needs is my own.
 

Rose_Dust

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
158
We live about 15 minutes from my parents and see them often, its more about the courage to get the conversation rolling on his part. And its not so much about asking permission because it is ultimately our decision to get married but its more out of respect to state his intentions. Thanks all for your input, I love hearing what other people do in similar situations.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
No, and I wouldn't have wanted him to. My father lost the privilege of being included in these things several years ago. I don't think he would have asked anyhow since we're both older (33 and 30) and this is my second marriage. I think it's a wonderful thing for close knit families, or first time brides though. :)
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
My bf already mentioned that he will ask my stepdad. It will probably have to be over the phone, seeing how they live 500 miles from us. I know my stepdad will really appreciate it. I understand why some people think this is an antiquated tradition, but I like it.

Somewhat related side note: for those of you who have read/watched Pride and Prejudice, I always thought it was interesting that both Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy asked for permission after proposing. Is it more of a recent tradition of asking permission before the proposal? (By recent, I mean the past century or so...)
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
My SO is not the type to ask the parents, and my father passed away anyways. SO doesnt really get along with my mother, just because of how she is, so for me, there wil be no asking of permission.

Side Note, i felt like my SO kinda of asked my father for permission this weekend while at his grave, espically when he got down on his knees and helped me clean his headstone.
 

Rose_Dust

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
158
Jessie- That's a sweet thought, I'm sure that's exactly what he was saying, That he loved you and has the intention of marrying you.
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
Thanks Rose, i try to look at it like that.
 

Callisto

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
1,152
Rae~ said:
I feel REALLY weird about my partner asking my father for "permission" to marry me. He feels he has to at least ask for my father's blessing; I said he must ask both my parents, not just my father.

It's hard to explain, but I suppose, essentially, I dislike the implications:
a) that I am a chattel to be passed around, and
b) (much more important!) that this sort of important decision is up to anyone other than ME!?

I can't relate to wanting it, but I do think that everyone should do what suits them and their beliefs. :))


You know I am a very strong an independent woman definitely agree 110% with your two points. However, in my opinion there 2 kinds of wedding traditions left over from the days when women were chattel. Some traditions have evolved modern sentimental meaning and others have not. i.e. I'm really conflicted about wearing a veil as its left over from trying to hide the brides face until they were officially married and really has no modern sentimental meaning besides making you "look like a bride". On the other hand, SO asking my dad for his blessing meant A LOT to my dad which made it mean a lot to me. My dad understands that he doesn't own me (he'd probably pee his pants laughing if you suggested that as I am incredibly stubborn and opinionated) but he felt special being included in the proposal process.

Similarly, my dad(or maybe even both parents) will walk me down the aisle but there will be no "who gives this woman to be married" crap because that kind of offends me. But my dad would be unbelievably offended if I didn't ask him to walk me down the aisle, so there are two sides to the coin I suppose.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,461
Congratulations Rose_Dust! I just read your proposal story. I love your ring -- it's beautiful! I love the pancakes too!

I'm already married but I'll answer your question anyway if you don't mind (although it's kind of a moot point now, isn't it? :bigsmile: ). My dad thought it was a nice gesture when my BIL called him before he proposed to my sister. It wasn't necessary, really, but it was a thoughtful gesture that my dad appreciated. When it was my husband's turn, he called my dad while I was sleeping in the car on our way back from a show. Once again, my dad appreciated it, although it was more of a blessing than permission that he was giving. We got engaged later that night.
 

4ever

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2008
Messages
2,260
Bf has already asked my dads permission in a way.
He initiated a conversation with my dad where he stated his intentions are to marry me, and my dad approved.

I didn't feel like it was nessesary to ask my dads blessing at all, but BF did and I think my dad liked feeling involved.
 
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