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Please help...I need some serious advice...

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,571
Italia,
Well you get an A+ from me. You have dealt with this as best as you can....

Thing is?? Sometimes it just doesn''t work out. You could do your best, and it still wouldn''t be enough...
 

Madam Bijoux

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 15, 2005
Messages
5,379
I''m late to this thread, but I agree with your husband. You did your best to be nice to those people, and they chose to declare war on you. For your own peace of mind, cut them loose until they learn to behave in a civilized manner.
 

lilyfoot

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
1,955
Italia, I am so sorry that you're (continuously) dealing with this
8.gif
. I have always viewed you as one of the more level-headed, and respectful, posters on PS, and I have no doubt that you are the same IRL.

More than I am sorry for your hurt feelings, I am beyond sorry for these digusting IL's. They will never get to know the true, wonderful, generous, loving person that you are, and that is their loss. They have the ugly souls here, not you. You can make the decision to let them out of your life, and you can be at peace with that decision. They won't be at peace, actually, they probably would never feel peace with the situation unless you were out of your DH's life (uh, NOT gonna happen!).

Good luck, hun. Just keep your head up, keep your focus on your husband (and doggies), and everything will be ok.
 

lilyfoot

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Date: 6/20/2010 10:38:47 PM
Author: Sparkly Blonde

off subject - is that a blue min pin in your avatar?
I''m not Italia (obviously
4.gif
), but I''m 99.9% sure it''s a Chihuahua.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 6/22/2010 9:35:29 AM
Author: lilyfoot
Italia, I am so sorry that you''re (continuously) dealing with this
8.gif
. I have always viewed you as one of the more level-headed, and respectful, posters on PS, and I have no doubt that you are the same IRL.


More than I am sorry for your hurt feelings, I am beyond sorry for these digusting IL''s. They will never get to know the true, wonderful, generous, loving person that you are, and that is their loss. They have the ugly souls here, not you. You can make the decision to let them out of your life, and you can be at peace with that decision. They won''t be at peace, actually, they probably would never feel peace with the situation unless you were out of your DH''s life (uh, NOT gonna happen!).


Good luck, hun. Just keep your head up, keep your focus on your husband (and doggies), and everything will be ok.

Thank you so much, that is probably one of the nicest things I''ve ever heard...it really did swell my heart.

In many ways you''re right...I''m a very forthcoming, honest and equally open person. Both online and in real life. I''ve been myself for the entire duration of my relationship with my IL''s. I''ve done my absolute best to be warm, kind and open with them...I''ve bitten my tongue over things that I could let go--and avoided confrontation that would do nothing more than hurt them. Above all else, I''ve been respectful. I''ve respected their son, their wishes and their hopes...even if it meant, at times, putting myself last.

From the beginning, my Mom always said that the older I got, the easier finding my voice would be. When we married, I was young--24. It was so hard for me to even consider standing up for myself, let alone do it. But now I''m 27...I''m tougher with thicker skin. I''ve also come to realize that just "dealing with it" will never work...I can either face it head on, or add it to the list--and the list is long enough already. It kills me, for my husbands sake, that it came to this...but enough is enough already.

We did get an e-mail yesterday from my FIL thanking my husband (not me) for his Fathers Day gift. Now, I was the one who wrote the card and mailed it out (very clear by my handwriting!)--but my name was nowhere to be found on the "thank you" note. Just another day in paradise. Couple that with the fact that he never once mentioned the blow up. Nothing along the lines of "that really got out of hand" or "we''re sorry we hurt you"...I don''t consider it avoidance, since if they were avoiding it, they would have called and pretended that nothing happened....how I see it, is that they don''t care. They don''t care that my husband was all but devastated by their unprovoked attack or that they were completely out of line. But, then again, I''m completely unsurprised by this.

For the past 4 years...if something has been done to hurt me...my husband would called his parents, get them on the phone and explained why I was upset--they would "apologize" (if you can call it that...) and then the case was closed. I think that having had that treatment over and over again, they were finally in position to repay the favor. I think, as many of you have said, it has very little to do with the actual wedding, and more to do with the fact that they finally have "something" on me that can be used against me.

So, I''ll continue to keep you all posted...but so far, we''re at a standstill.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Messages
20,041
Italia, what do you want realistically?
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Peace.

At the end of the day, that would be the best for everyone.

I can be angry, and disappointed, but my husband is the one who takes the brunt of our issues. I don''t have to see them, talk to them, be around them...and there is no love loss on my end. But, my husband has had a relationship with them.

Respect.

I''ve given it to them each and every step of the way, no matter what or how much. I''d like a ounce of it in return. I''m not saying "love me" or even "like me"...but respect me for how happy I make your son, for the life we''ve built together and for all else that will come.

I think if those two bases were covered, and not in the "twist your arm" sort way, I could live with that. If we could mutually agree to take higher roads in the future and forgo the cheap shots, we''d be amicable and that would be good enough. Is that possible right now? Probably not. I''m done. I''ve really had enough...going backwards isn''t possible, and moving forward would take a lot of work. Would I do it for my husband? Absolutely. I''m not going to be "present" any long...I won''t attend holidays, and I am not going to open my home...but if there were some sincere apologies issued, I''d be fine being polite--nothing more, nothing less.
 

Amandine

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2007
Messages
794
I have nothing to add, but just (((((HUGS))))) for you...it''s so unfortunate that you and your DH have to go through this.
 

movie zombie

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february2003bride

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Jan 18, 2005
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3,551
One of the best quotes I''ve ever read was "Just because they are family, doesn''t mean you have to love or like them."

I don''t see why you don''t cut ties with them altogether. They don''t live near you, they rarely visit you. You are under no obligation to call them, or maintain a relationship with them. They clearly have no respect for you or your DH. It is your DH''s choice if he wants to continue his relationship with them, but that is seperate from you. Stop having expectations of what they should or should not do, because it''s obviously not a normal, healthy relationship that you have with them. I have no doubt that you''ve tried. You tried for years and it''s gotten you no where with them. That is their issue that they are pushing away their DIL and now their son. They are making their choices very clear by their actions, now let them feel the consequences of that.
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
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Italia, peace may be possible one way or another but you can't make anyone show respect for you. To keep hoping for it is to set yourself up for continued disappointment. Your inlaws are a piece of work, but part of this painful dynamic is you wanting them to behave like normal people so that you can have a loving respectful relationship with them, rather than changing your behavior and expectations to deal with who they are.

Read those books movie zombie recommended. I have read some of a similar one (~Coping with your difficult older parent) that was more geared toward adult kids dealing with elderly difficult parents, but the point remains - you have to change your expectations and how you deal with these difficult parents, rather than just keep treating them like normal people and running through the same dysfunctional drama again and again.

Or set up a few sessions with a family therapist to give you and/or your husband some coping strategies. Don't underestimate how useful it might be to get some professional advice on how to tweak your interactions with them to get better results. Not better results in that the in-laws magically morph into pleasant reasonable people that love and respect you, but better results in that you experience less trauma from their outbursts - maybe by interacting with them less but also by changing how you interact with them. And also you might gain some insight into their behavior that makes it easier for you to understand that this is not really about you - this is all about them. However, you will have to change your expectations. Showering the inlaws with kindnesss and whatever other methods you have been using hasn't worked, so it is time to change your methods/expectations.

Anyway, I am so sorry you are going through this. And of course it is hard to feel, as the DIL, that you are in some way responsible for your husband cutting himself off from his parents. But as others have said, I am sure they were not normal before and this kind of ridiculous behavior didn't spring out of nowhere. It may have come to a head over you but their behavior is on them, and your husband is right to stand up to them rahter than continue the appeasement strategy.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,041
Date: 6/24/2010 11:32:44 AM
Author: cara
Italia, peace may be possible one way or another but you can''t make anyone show respect for you. To keep hoping for it is to set yourself up for continued disappointment. Your inlaws are a piece of work, but part of this painful dynamic is you wanting them to behave like normal people so that you can have a loving respectful relationship with them, rather than changing your behavior and expectations to deal with who they are.

I 100% agree with Cara. That''s why I asked b/c you seem to have a very toxic relationship with them and it obviously bothers you a great deal. Why don''t you focus on how you can get peace? Imagine a hula hoop around your waist. Everything IN the hoop is what YOU can control and change. So look at the part you play. Rarely is anyone 100% innocent. If you feel like you handle yourself the best you can then you need to let go. Your only options are to let go or be dragged. Detach and learn to accept your inlaws for who they are. They don''t have to be your friends but they are part of your life as long as you are with your husband. When I concentrate on changing my expectations (to zero) and appreciate people who who they are all the things that used to bother me suddenly don''t. Detachment is a magically tool that WILL result in peace. They can''t be 100% evil b/c they raised the man you love and cherish right? So maybe the next encounter with them remind yourself the gift they have given you. If you keep seeing yourself as a victim you will never feel peace. Is it worth it?
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
I love how you worded that Tacori :) I have said similar things to friends (but never as well as you did) and the personal responsibility (control what you can to influence but not control others) bit with the hula hoop is a good metaphor.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,041
Date: 6/25/2010 4:53:46 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I love how you worded that Tacori :) I have said similar things to friends (but never as well as you did) and the personal responsibility (control what you can to influence but not control others) bit with the hula hoop is a good metaphor.

Thanks Sara. I am a visual person and sometimes have to actually imagine the hula hoop around my hips. When I first learned how powerless I was over people, places, and things it was devastating! Here I thought I could control people. But once I accepted that life became a whole lot easier.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4,602
Italia,

I do not believe for one second that these attacks are personal. I believe that your husband could have married Mother Theresa and they would still be treating her this way.

The fact of the matter is, whomever DH would have married is an outside influence, someone who threatened their ultimate control. This has very little to do with YOU. Is it possible to keep this perspective and to stop taking what they do and say personally? This situation is mostly about your DH and his parents. It is a sick dynamic and he''s probably really tired of them trying to control his life by means of belittling his wife. It seems as though their hope (unconscious, I''m sure) is that if they degrade the outsider enough, he will then rush back to them. They are so desperate not to lose him, yet they will create that very outcome with their ugly behavior. Do you now see that YOU have not created this situation? If your husband never speaks to them again, it is not about you. It is about them and their behavior.

Italia, you are one graceful lady. I''ve seen you handle quite a bit around here with your head held high. This situation is so much more difficult, but I know that you can find that grace and rise above this. See them for what they truly are, desperate and sad people. Stop working for their "respect." They don''t even know the meaning of the word! If they did, they wouldn''t be doing this to their own son.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
Date: 6/25/2010 1:39:10 PM
Author: House Cat
Italia,

I do not believe for one second that these attacks are personal. I believe that your husband could have married Mother Theresa and they would still be treating her this way.

The fact of the matter is, whomever DH would have married is an outside influence, someone who threatened their ultimate control. This has very little to do with YOU. Is it possible to keep this perspective and to stop taking what they do and say personally? This situation is mostly about your DH and his parents. It is a sick dynamic and he''s probably really tired of them trying to control his life by means of belittling his wife. It seems as though their hope (unconscious, I''m sure) is that if they degrade the outsider enough, he will then rush back to them. They are so desperate not to lose him, yet they will create that very outcome with their ugly behavior. Do you now see that YOU have not created this situation? If your husband never speaks to them again, it is not about you. It is about them and their behavior.

Italia, you are one graceful lady. I''ve seen you handle quite a bit around here with your head held high. This situation is so much more difficult, but I know that you can find that grace and rise above this. See them for what they truly are, desperate and sad people. Stop working for their ''respect.'' They don''t even know the meaning of the word! If they did, they wouldn''t be doing this to their own son.
classic signs of toxic parents.

mz
 
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