Wedding planning brings out the family drama!

[justginger]

2 weeks of bliss? Is that all you really get before the wedding planning drama begins?

I have no idea how to proceed with our wedding plans and I''d appreciate any and all advice you guys can offer.

My fiance''s mother is extremely upset about 3 different things -- but I think there''s only one issue that won''t be resolved with a bit of compromise.

We have a friend from church, we''ll call him Mitch. Mitch was very welcoming to me when I first started dating my partner and we socialize with him fairly regularly - lunches and drinks, he arranged dinner for my birthday, etc. Well -- he is the ex-husband of one of fiance''s cousins. They married young, were ill-suited, and I think they''ve been divorced for almost a decade. She''s remarried and pregnant. According to fiance''s mother, not only will the cousin and her new husband boycott the wedding if Mitch is invited, but so will the rest of her family. So my parter''s aunt and uncle, four cousins, their partners and children. That''s the entirety of his mother''s family, as her only other sibling has passed away.

We do not socialize with his family regularly. I don''t think I''ve been around any of them more than 5 times in the 3 years we''ve been dating -- they didn''t even spend this Christmas (or last Christmas, for that matter) with us/fiance''s immediate family.

I want to tell them to grow up and behave like adults -- but at the same time, if they choose to "stand strong" and not come, FMIL will be in near tears (if not actually sobbing) during the whole shebang. I feel like I''m being backed into a corner and will have to exclude a dear friend for the sake of not rocking the boat.

How would you guys handle it???

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Honestly, you''re lucky you got two weeks! I have a friend who got into it with her inlaws on the night she got engaged.

You need to set your boundaries now while you can. I think it''s completely reasonable to invite your friend AND invite your family. Whether or not they attend is up to them and who else is invited to the event is none of their business. It''s a cousin. It''s not like this is your FI''s sister''s ex husband. How does your husband feel about this?

Also, given the history your friend has with your family, is talking to him in advance about the situation an option? It might be wise to get his input on the situation. For all you know, he might not want to bet here with the family either.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I really think you should just invite your friend, and the family. I agree about drawing boundaries - these people sound like they are acting like immature children. Wedding planning does often bring out the crazy in families (I know it did in mine), but you just have to keep reminding people that THIS ISN''T ABOUT THEM, its about you and your FI and this wonderful day in which you will be celebrating the start of the rest of your life together. If they can''t be happy for you or if they want to cast a pall over that, that''s on their heads, not yours...

 

[vc10um]

Date: 1/6/2010 10:06:32 AM
Author: AmberGretchen
I really think you should just invite your friend, and the family. I agree about drawing boundaries - these people sound like they are acting like immature children. Wedding planning does often bring out the crazy in families (I know it did in mine), but you just have to keep reminding people that THIS ISN''T ABOUT THEM, its about you and your FI and this wonderful day in which you will be celebrating the start of the rest of your life together. If they can''t be happy for you or if they want to cast a pall over that, that''s on their heads, not yours...

Ditto everything.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

You need to put your foot down now!

Seriously, who do you want there more? Your close friend or family members who are acting like children? I would invite them both and then if the family doesn''t come, that is their problem. (Sounds like it would save you money too with all those extra people!) Don''t let them force you to choose.. especially only 2 weeks in to the engagement. How does your Fi feel about this? That would probably also determine how you deal with it all.

I really feel like the family need to get over it... 10 years has passed and the daughter has remarried and is pregnant? She has obviously moved on so what is the problem?

Hope you are able to come up with a solution to this.. families can be so funny sometimes!

 

[LilyKat]

It's a shame you're in that position. But it sounds like one of those situations where you have to make a choice about what you want more. I don't think there's going to be an easy solution.

I would assume that the family mean it when they say they won't come. In five or ten years, when you look back on your wedding, which will you (and your fiance) regret more? Not having Mitch there, or not having all that remains of his family (and a distraught mother)? I guess the answer to that question depends on how close you are to Mitch and how important he is to you, versus how close you are to his family.

Yes, they are behaving childishly. But remember that divorce brings out the worst in people. And all they have to go by is what the cousin has told them about him, whatever that may be. The Mitch you know is probably not the Mitch they have in their minds. Perhaps it might help to talk directly to the cousin (ideally in person), and explain what a tough situation this is putting you in? My guess is that if she concedes, the whole family will follow suit.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Decide waht you want as a couple and then draw your boundaries accordingly. I think this is actually a great preparation for marriage b/c you have to work as a team and you need to redefine your roles within your families. IMO I''d invite both and if the family wants to be totally immature that''s their problem.

 

[shertz1981]

Heh, consider yourself lucky to have gotten two weeks.

IMO, unless there''s some horrible underlying story here (abuse, adultery, whatever), your ILs are stepping out of bounds. Invite whom you want.

 

[yssie]

Date: 1/6/2010 11:18:42 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
You need to put your foot down now!

Seriously, who do you want there more? Your close friend or family members who are acting like children? I would invite them both and then if the family doesn''t come, that is their problem. (Sounds like it would save you money too with all those extra people!) Don''t let them force you to choose.. especially only 2 weeks in to the engagement. How does your Fi feel about this? That would probably also determine how you deal with it all.

I really feel like the family need to get over it... 10 years has passed and the daughter has remarried and is pregnant? She has obviously moved on so what is the problem?

Hope you are able to come up with a solution to this.. families can be so funny sometimes!

Ditto this!

I''m sorry you''re going through this - it shouldn''t even be a problem!! It''s just unncessary drama.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I had a similar situation with my wedding, I told my MIL that my guests who offended her would be seated with my family, not near her, and that was that. It''s amazing how petty people how be for an event that''s not even about them...

 

[justginger]

I appreciate the advice -- my gut instinct of how to proceed is much like what nearly everyone has said: invite them all and let them decide where the chips fall. HOWEVER, I also can see the point Lilycat makes -- in 10 years, which decision will we regret the least? It seems to me that having his entire family boycott the wedding is possibly the worst case scenario. I will be unhappy without Mitch there, but overall it seems that there will be more unhappiness with FI''s family missing. They may be acting like children, but unless I can convince them to move past their bitterness, it is what it is and I have to work with it.

My partner is willing to proceed in any direction. He wants Mitch there and finds the whole situation very unfair, but if I were to make the decision to exclude Mitch, FI would go along with it and be relieved that his mother wouldn''t be so unhappy.

We will have to discuss the situation with Mitch. He was thrilled to hear about our engagement, so I feel terrible having to broach such a hurtful and awkward situation with him.

I guess we could always divide them up? Invite the family to the ceremony and him to the reception, or vice versa?

 

[nkarma]

If I was in this situation I wouldn't play to anyone else's childish behavior. Would you give a kid throwing a temper tantum what they want?? I am more of you can't choose family but you can choose friends mindset and from your original post, it sounds like you and Mitch are good friends. He is nice enough to organize your bday and all that. I would hate to have to tell my good friend he isn't invited because adults acting like children. I am hoping your partner can talk some sense into his family. No one is focusing on how mean it is of them to not go to their daughter/son's wedding over something stupid.

I am just not one to give in to stupid threats though and also totally value the people in my life who show they love and care for me whether they are family or not. And yes you may regret not inviting Mitch. What happens if 5 years down the road you aren't talking to your partner's family because of some other childish thing they are doing, but Mitch is helping you paint your house or throwing you a baby shower or somehow being a good friend?

 

[grace10209]

Have you met this cousin? the one that is remarried and pregnant, she may not care at all that her exhusband is there. Why would she? she is remarried.
I would talk to her directly and if she''s cool with it and goes, then everyone will too