can you share the grief of a missing father?

[ian7777]

Hello Everyone,

I am the groom, just so you all know.

I proposed to my fiance a month ago and things have been difficult ever since. Not just the typical wedding difficulties, but she has grown incredibly sad and depressed - her father died about 9 years ago (when she was 21) and now she thinks constantly about him and how he won''t be at the wedding.

The wedding is shrouded in sadness for her, and this time is difficult. I love her and want her to heal, but since I don''t share that problem, I can never relate - just sympathize. Sometimes, that''s not enough.

Does anyone here have any similar stories to share? Anyone she CAN relate to?

Thanks all for your support...

ian

 

[pqcollectibles]

I know how your FI feels. My dad died when I was 20 and I got married when I was 24. I missed that he wasn't there to give me away. My dad loved kids and I miss that he hasn't gotten to see my kids grow up.

When I got married, my mother gave me away. When my younger sis got married, she had our father's only surviving brother give her away. Her wedding was much more formal than mine and she wanted our mother to revel in the the full blown "Mother of the Bride" roll.

Your FI is probably really struck right now because of the up coming wedding. Wishing her father could be there to walk her down the aisle, participate in the festivities, and bless your union to "Daddy's Little Girl". I completely understand, but she needs to focus on the joy of the occassion. She should think how proud her father would be of her now, and what a wonderful man she has found. Focus on the future, not events she cannot change, and fondly remember that her father is with her in spirit, if not in body.

 

[fire&ice]

Emotions can be very odd during wedding planning. I think you have a tendancy to relive your life. How far out to the wedding are you? I hate to be blunt - but is this the only issue?

That said, my father was alive & well. It was a non-issue to me. But, a relative (who isn't even engaged yet) is having some trouble with this *very* issue. She is estranged from her father; yet, she is considering having him walk her down the aisle. She laments about it w/ some frequency.

Good luck. I want to add that you may not be able to make it all better. Man, do men try - when in fact sometimes women just are verbalizing their feelings. It can be cathartic to women to vent.

 

[hoorray]

My new sister-in-law lost her mother a year before her wedding and she went through this. They ended up including her in the wedding by saying something thoughtful in the ceremony, and dedicating a toast to her memory. Something like that may or may not be appropriate for your FI, but just suggesting it may help her think through it and show your concern.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I can relate to your fiance's sadness. My dad died when I was 16. I guess this is partly why I eloped, plus not to mention my mom isn't here (not passed away but not apart of my life either - I'm an adult orphan

). It's really depressing not having your parents around for weddings and when babies are being born. We never quite heal from the loss of parents, even when we're parents ourselves.

It IS okay for her to be sad for the loss of her dad. She'll have bits of sadness like this for the rest of her life. Maybe burn a candle in memory of her father. Just a small reminder, but nothing to distract from the HAPPY occasion of the wedding.

((((Hugs to your fiance)))) If she needs to talk to anyone, she can PM me!

Take care and hope you have a beautiful wedding ceremony.

Michelle

 

[Nicrez]

I can't relate to a death of a father, but I can relate to possibly not having him walk me down the aisle. He doesn't approve, and has made his feelings clear that he will make no motion.

Although he is alive and well, the sadness that comes in thinking that the day you dream about won't have that special sentimentality and childlike specialness to it. A father is the first man a woman loves, and that love can be so deep (even if the father isn't perfect) that it stings the most when he makes the most impact. Giving away his daughter is an act of final protectiveness and guardianship.

Give her some time, and talk with her and let her vent as F&I says. It CAN be cathartic. So sweet of you to worry about her, but as it gets closer to the time, you may want to remind her that you are there to protect her and love her, and her father will always be in your hearts and you know he will be there in spirit to give her strength. You both will need it. Good luck!!

PS. Maybe an uncle, a brother, or someone special can walk her down the aisle?

 

[AGBF]

I would recommend counseling, but I do not trust enough of the people doing counseling to recommend it. Good therapy, even brief therapy, can sometimes be enough to help someone to become conscious of buried feelings...and that can bring relief. Fire&ice asked a good question. Is your fiancee well held together in other ways? Could she tolerate discussing this with someone professional and sympathetic? Has she ever been on psychiatric medication? If you would like to discuss this by PM or e-mail, please feel free to write to me.

I wish you both good luck.

Deborah

 

[aliciamt7]

Hello. I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy--I am in the same situation as your fiance. Ironically, I just went today with my fiance and his parents and my mother to meet with and talk to the reverand who is marrying us. He was going through the ceremony and asked who was going to walk me down the aisle. I said my mother was, and he asked about my father, and we told him that he was deceased (4 years ago, 10 days after my 21st birthday). He then asked if we would like to make a mention of him at the wedding, or light a candle in remembrance, or a moment of silence, etc...and at that point I broke down in front of everyone and cried my eyes out.

I honestly felt like I was missing something, something that I never thought about, and it was very hard to get through the rest of the ceremony without me thinking that my father was not going to be there (I have tears in my eyes as I write this). I think that this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to face since his death, and I almost feel at times that I don't even want to go through with it because of how hard it will be that day. I'm sure that she's probably feeling the same way--how can something that's supposed to be one of the best days in your life also be one of the hardest and saddest as well? Even though I know that he will be there in spirit, I can only imagine how I'm going to be that day.

All I can say is that you are a wonderful guy to be thinking of her sadness and how you can help, and all you can do is just be there for her when she's feeling that way. If she wants to talk to you about it, just listen, and if she's upset and doesn't want to talk, just be there to hold her. My fiance is great about this situation, and he's understanding, which helps me through this. Good luck and congratulations on everything, and I'm sure it will work out in the end! Take care!

Alicia

 

[95chevy]

Is you fiance a christian? If so she knows that her father is an angel in heaven and is proudly looking down upon her wedding. Have a godfather or very close family member give her away and during the ceramony have a word said about her father being by her side through the friend or relative.We all have difficulty accepting the fact that some went beyond too soon in life, but; if you feel religious and believe in life hereafter then the thought of her dad as a guardian angel is true.I have many accounts of people who hwve opened up in discussion and told of a loved one waking them up when they fell asleep going to work or home on the freeway.Have happy thoughts and belief in the life hereafter.

 

[babblingal]

I have worked for Hospice as a social worker and some hospices offer bereavement programs that are available to people in the community, even if the loss is not cancer or long term illness related. Sometimes there is a small fee, sometimes it is free. I would call your local Hospice. Personally I prefer the not-for-profit hospice programs, but that is not to say that others could not be helpful. Get help where you can find it.

If they don't offer a bereavement program, ask to speak to one of the bereavement social workers or volunteers. My experience has been that these folks have unique ways to recognize a loss and I am certain they will have some ideas for you and your fiance' since they deal with death all of the time and they can suggest things that will be sensitive to whatever faith community, if any, that you and/or your fiancee may belong to.