Am I being a brat?

[Daniela]

I think you're a brat, but for whatever reason, I think that's okay. You feel how you feel. People around here can tell you what they think, which is what they have been invited to do in this post (or any other post for that matter), and they will all come back with different opinions. At the end of the day I think that maybe you just needed to vent. Call me a brat, too, but I think that it's healthier for you to do your virtual venting here than to actually wage war with your fiance over the size of the stone. It's a darned delicate situation, and one that I wouldn't want to be in.

I'm a firm believer that a quirk like this doesn't make a girl a bad person or anything. It just makes her a size lover, that's all. It's really quite simple.

Do you feel better having expressed yourself and knowing what others think? Or does the whole situation still bother you even after having had the chance to vent?

 

[Mara]

No I don't think you are being a brat AT ALL.




I highly agree with the hubby-to-be taking all of someone in terms of a relationship. I would never be with someone like Strm who judges people based upon what HE thinks they should feel. Then again, Strm would never be with me because he would think I was shallow and judge me and make comments like 'drop her like a hot potato'.

So I guess it's a good thing that I'm not with him, and he's not with me.




I am, however, with a man who loves me just the way I am. Bratty, extremely spoiled, ball-busting, diamond-loving upgrading me. He KNOWS that I am all of the above and jokes around and ribbs me mercilessly but he loves me. I'm super lucky. Then again he's lucky too. We are lucky we found each other and that we know that we love each other good and bad.




I'm the poster that Nic mentioned who upgraded her ring recently. Originally my fiance was kind of hurt that I wasn't 10000% jazzed with our final purchase. But over time (it's been a year and a half almost since we got engaged) as we both learned more about diamonds (me on here and him through Pscope osmosis...ehhee), and he got his own super-ideal cut stone...he realized what I was talking about made sense! Eventually he agreed, to make me super happy, to do what we did...and we both are so happy now that we did it. It took some time, and yes I secretly was unhappy for a while, but I didn't always let him see it. And now that the original 'bone of contention' is gone, it's smoother sailing. I am not secretly wishing my e-ring was more sparkly, and he is not secretly wishing that I was happy with what we got. We are both openly happy with what we have!

I know what you are talking about, and it's tough to 'hide' it from someone you love...esp since you probably share your feelings ALL THE TIME, regardless of what they are, with your future spouse. You want to share things with him, but you don't want to hurt his feelings. It does help to have people like us on Pscope to talk to about stuff, so that you don't drive your future hubby insane with your doubts, questions, fears, etc. Sometimes I think the guys are better off left in the dark on some things.

Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. I want a bigger diamond already and I just got my new one. I absolutely adore the new one, but I prepped the fiance when we were shopping and told him that this is not going to be the last stone I get. Far from it. We are already planning an upgrade to it within 6-9 months depending on inventory. He totally supports that now. He understands me and who I am ...and loves me...good...bad...bratty..

Your fiance loves you for who you are, you got to this point in your life of engagement for a reason. If he already knows how you feel about wanting something bigger, wait it out. I wouldn't push things at this point. Or if you think he may be receptive, see if you can find a way to upgrade somehow, but without more $$ out of pocket. That is along the lines of what we did and it made the transition and decisions alot easier (e.g. I wasn't hitting him up for more $$ on top of what he already paid). In the end you know yourself best, and him best.




But don't feel bad for what you feel and don't call yourself a brat in a derogatory way. Regardless of what some may think, you feel what you do and that's a valid feeling. Someone telling you 'yes you are being bratty, enjoy your ring' will NOT make the feelings go away. I think it's important to address that. No matter how many people told me my ring was beautiful, the fact that I knew the center stone was not the greatest thing bothered me. I felt like we didn't do right by our $$ when we spent it the first time around. Second thoughts don't just go away. Something to consider...but you have to figure out how to best deal with it for you both.




Good luck gal!

By the way, the ring sounds lovely! I love big rings and diamonds, my center stone is 1.29c and I would LOVE a 3 stone ring with something like this flanked with .50c stones on each side. Even better would be 2c center stone with .75c on each side..yummy.

Please do post pictures of yours.

 

[aljdewey]

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On 3/29/2004 2:47:14 PM Bridget wrote:





Well, I didn't have much of a proposal. He just asked. never got on one knee or made it special----------------

You know, my fiance did the same......in fact, he asked me after we had spent the whole day loafing together. Nothing extraordinary, didn't even have the ring yet.

And I wouldn't change a thing. The important thing is that he asked me to marry him....the man I thought I'd never find in this lifetime.....and did it as a private moment between us when the spirit moved him. It was special because he wanted to make a commitment to me for the rest of his life.

It's just sad to me that you feel his proposal didn't measure up, the ring he gave you doesn't measure up.......that's truly a crying shame. It sounds like your placing importance on the "things"...the money and the production of it all......and not the real deal.

He went a bit cheap? The average e-ring is .75.....yours is .50 more than that just on the center stone alone! He makes more money than your other friends with bigger rings? SO? I'm in my late 30s too.....and FI and I make a great living. I wear a 1.24 solitaire, and I wear it happily. By other people's standards, we could have "afforded" more.....but we feel it's excessive to spend more than we did for a luxury item.

Bridget, maybe you need to reexamine your priorities and what's really important. If his proposal and his ring don't "measure up", maybe he's not the right guy for you.

 

[Mara]

I also want to point out that just because the national average for an e-ring is smaller than 1c..does not mean that just because someone has a stone over that size means they should automatically be grateful for what they got. It really depends on the person and their 'expectations' which do weigh in as *strong* emotions.




The original poster has a ring size of 8.5. My ring size is 6 which I guess is the average, but to ME it looks huge! I have friends who have much smaller hands. I call my hands "man-hands" too. So I could see how someone with a larger ring size, and a ring that doesn't quite compare to her friends maybe would be unsatisfied. I don't hear her calling off the wedding or anything that dramatic, so I don't think it speaks to big problems in the relationship....I can really relate since obviously my story is a little similar: not 100% jazzed on finished product, big hands, & a low-key proposal. Hehee. I'm lucky that we worked things out and maybe with some patience, you both can as well.

 

[innerkitten]

Sounds like your feeling a bit caught up in the whole diamond size thing. Just remember it's the man thats the most important thing not the size of your diamond, but I'm sure you already know that. Plus your ring isn't exactly tiny anyway. Maybe in the future if it's really important to you then you can get something else. As far as people not seeming excited over your ring, who cares what they think . Isn't great to have met someone that you love enough to spend the rest of your life with ?

Please post a pic in the show me the ring section.

 

[ClownFishFunk]

Hi Bridget,

I am actually surprised to read all the responses saying that you are a brat, and I now feel the need to express my confusion with it. No one here knows fully what is important to you and your boyfriend and what kind of relationship the two of you have. Some people want an engagement ring just for the diamonds, and some people want it for the sentimental value. Everyone is different. To say that there is something wrong with your relationship just based on the premise that you aren't in love with your ring, IMO, is absurd, as well as to say that your fiance should dump you because you aren't happy with it.

As others have said previously, everyone has their little imperfections and once you two have reached the engagement point in a relationship your significant other should already know these imperfections and be accepting of them.

Another reason I was surprised to see so many replies saying you are a brat is because so many people on this forum *do* upgrade their engagement ring (and no one is calling them a brat), and frankly you should be able to as well as long as you have the financial means to do so and it is OK with your fiance.

So, I personally do not think you are a brat. Whether I would do it myself, I couldn't say - for me getting a ring of your size would be much larger than I would expect - but I can't impose my personal situation and values onto yours. Of course, I think you definitely need to discuss all of this with your SO and make sure not to cause any hard feelings about the whole ordeal, and *if* there are other problems with your relationship than work through those as well before focusing on just the ring.

Just my opinion - no hard feelings to any of the previous posters by the way.

 

[innerkitten]

Sounds like your feeling a bit caught up in the whole diamond size thing. Just remember it's the man thats the most important thing not the size of your diamond, but I'm sure you already know that. Plus your ring isn't exactly tiny anyway. Maybe in the future if it's really important to you then you can get something else. Or maybe there is still time to change something around now? Anyway as far as people not seeming excited over your ring, who cares what they think

Please post a pic of the ring in the show me the ring section!

 

[innerkitten]

Hmm I just posted twice, re wrote it again, and my posts aren't showing up?

 

[phoenixgirl]

Maybe if you are unhappy with the ring you can return it and

1) get rid of the three stones and spend all the moolah on one bigger stone
2) contribute some $ yourself towards a bigger stone
3) downgrade in color/clarity to get a bigger stone
4) get a hand-cut cubic zirconia (they look more legit)

I personally think that you are being kind of awful. When you think about human history, 99.999% of the population has lived in horrid squalor. If you have thousands of dollars to spend on a sparkly rock and a man who loves you, you are way ahead of the curve!

If it continues to bother you, then you should spend your own $ to get what you want. Your fiance already spent a lot, probably as much as he could, getting something he hoped would please you. Think about it . . . he spent more than a vacation on a piece of jewelry for your finger. When you say you think he "went cheap" or whatever on it, is that because he has lots of cash lying around or is always buying himself expensive things? Because even a one carat stone is expensive -- you can buy a pretty nice used car for that much -- and he obviously got you much more than just a carat.

My boyfriend is dirt poor, living month to month. I inherited a nest egg in the six-digits from my grandparents. He is using a diamond of my gramdother's to put in a Vatche x-prong setting. Knowing that he is spending $600 (or $1100, I'm not sure what metal he's going with) with his budget really makes me a little sheepish. He's said a couple of times this month that he doesn't have money for this or that because of, um, ahem, some expenses he had recently.

I know that it is a true gift from his heart, because it's really more than he could afford. If I really cared about the diamond, I would just buy myself one, because at that point it would cease to be about the gift and start to be about my avarice anyway, so it wouldn't matter that it wasn't from him. I'd rather spend my own money on a house that he and I can share together, so the fact that he can't afford to buy me a new diamond right now doesn't bother me.

Look, it's your life. Obviously in your social circle, showing off your bling-bling is important. This is not uncommon. If this is a priority for you, then figure out a way to make your ring to your liking. If your fiance really loves you, then he'll understand that you value the look of the ring enough to go to the trouble to change it. Just don't forget to evaluate your priorities in the process. Yes, it's fun to have nice things, but when something is a symbol of your love and commitment, you should think twice about what your disappointment means.

We know a couple where the wife is a horrible, manipulative brat. She brought her baby with a dirty diaper to her husband's work so that he would have to change it. She tries to stop him from going out with other people. She is awful! I remember that when she had just gotten engaged (and we had just recently become acquainted), I complimented her on her ring. Her ring was a three-stone ring like yours. It had an old European cut (about 1.25 carats - inherited from his grandmother) in the center and two garnets on the side. He had put garnets on the side because they are her birthstone and he didn't have enough money for diamonds (he was really not well-to-do, making less than $25K a year). She said to me, "[Exasperated gasp] I told him I wanted a princess cut with two trillions on the side!" Ick, ick, ick. It's ok to be secretly disappointed, but her immaturity and shallowness were apparent by her proclaiming her disappointment with the ring for all to hear.

Figure out what is the best you two can get with your budget (remember that whatever you spend will soon be both of yours for spending on the future), and then wear it with pride. Maybe if you do get a different ring, you can have a "real" proposal this time, and start things out on a fresh foot.

 

[innerkitten]

Oh. seems to be working now. Anyone else getting a delay?

 

[innerkitten]

Phoenixgirl has a good idea. If you do decide to exchange it for something else. Perhaps returning the three rings for one larger stone might be an option.

When I got my ring ( which was just last week) I looked with my guy for rings cause I knew what I wanted and it was important to me that I had an antique ring. However he wound up going out and getting the ring on his own, but it was one of the ones I really liked.

 

[aljdewey]

Bridget, I can think of a possible solution. Find the bigger stone that will really make you happy (on your hand, etc.) and *you* pay the difference for the larger stone. This way, you aren't indirectly saying "what you did for me isn't enough", but you are satisfying your want for a larger stone. Instead of buying yourself earrings or a necklace, put your money toward a larger stone.




When you get the new ring done, give it to him and ask him to "propose" to you.....down on one knee and the whole thing.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I have no idea what your budget is/was or if you would even want to redo the ring again, but here's a 2.27 K SI2 H&A stone that I would bet would surprise you with its whiteness and sparkliness:

http://www.goodoldgold.com/2_27ct_k_si2_h%26a.htm

 

[usernametaken]

I'm curious as to which company sent out the wrong stone. That part of the story makes me want to run to get my new arrivial appraised. Do share.

 

[2Bmarried]

After posting earlier and reading subsequent posts, I think one of the main things people are forgetting about (though this is not a "Dr. Phil" forum)is "communication" within the relationship. If the diamond size matters so much (as it seems to many posting here, along with the "more, more, more" attitude), maybe all this trouble would have been avoided by simply communicating your desires with your new fiance. I don't think people communicate enough these days - wishes and desires are not heard, second-guessing and 20/20 hindsight is becoming more prevalent.

It was one single argument that my fiancee and I had a long time ago where I explained to her ever so (NOT!!) eloquently that I cannot read her mind. Ever since then, the relationship has been 100% better. We understand each other more completely. I'm not knocking anyone out here. Couples have different incomes, different priorities, different little "hobbies", etc. (As long as people can comfortably live within their means and get what they want, great for them!! This is America, after all!) There is always somebody out there perfectly suited for each and every person, and they are hopefully willing to work with you and your ideas as long as you communicate!

But hey, that's just one man's opinion!

 

[Obsessed]

I know exactly how you must feel....

I proposed to my fiancee a couple of months ago with a solitare just barely over one carat. But now, it just doesn't cut it for me nor my fiancee.... so we are upgrading to a two carat... even then I am not sure if it is big enough to impress her friends and co-workers. I better get a Tiffany&Co ring and tell everyone so they know how much money i make... or how much money I am perceived to make.

Similarly, My fiancee is doin some research on breast augmentation and a few other 'enhancements'.... her assets aren't the way they were a few years ago when we first started dating. She is super cool about my feelings and is eager to do whatever necessary to please me. Also, I know i risk sounding 'bratty', but my friends all married these beautiful girls that look like models... and much younger than my fiancee.... my fiancee is not as 'hot', not super blonde, and kinda short.... I love her to death but i can't help the way i feel about her looks when compared to my friends' prized wives/mistresses. Please, tell me nice things to make me feel better. I am feeling so guilty for this

 

[fire&ice]

Geez, Why do these size issue threads always come up when I am preoccupied.

Girls do compare. Diamonds are a women's macho. But, is it really worth the issue? What will you be happy with? What will your to be think? Did he think the ring was not a big deal to you? Maybe he is one of the guys on this forum that choose each and every stone with great care & heart. Or, did he just stumble upon this one. Does he have other plans for the money toward your future? Or did he blow money on new speakers?

Only you know the answers. But, if you are unhappy, it's irrelavent that you may or not be a brat, come to some resolve. Things like this fester; and could translate to another issue at heart.

 

[2Bmarried]

Obsessed,

There is nothing wrong with what you feel. We all have our burdens in life. Be happy yours are so small. Wait a minute, you wanted bigger burdens, right?......So people would take notice? As long as all parties involved are happy and willing participants, then everything should be wonderful! Maybe you should be checking out wifescope.com and doing some research there.

I'm so sorry, I couldn't help myself, you just made me really laugh out loud! And ladies, before you grill me, too.....let me tell you, my fiancee would have laughed her butt off at his post, as well!

Too funny!

 

[Mara]

NOT the same, Obsessed. Bigger diamonds vs breast augmentations? Hardly! One is a body accessory while the other requires painful surgery and thousands of dollars to actually physically *change* ones body. Not apples to apples. Nice try though. I did a double take.

Boobscope.com?

 

[Obsessed]

I know its not the same... and because i love my fiancee soooo much, i didn't force her to consider 'augmentations'. i only hinted. I know she will have to go through some pain and risk, but i think it makes her feel better about herself too. As far as the diamond upgrade, I am not doing it just for her either.... a little bit is for myself so i can look like a super husband-to-be!

hey, 2bemarried,
whats so funny about my post? i typed www.wifescope.com and nothing came up.... is it an affiliate site to pricescope? Is there a link to it somewhere? I don't intend to get a wife upgrade, but just a little curious to the available selection and simply gaining knowledge. If it is anything like pricescope, I am sure to find tons of very useful info. Can you create a hyperlink for me?

 

[Antique Radiant]

Obsessed!!!

'The important thing is that he asked me to marry him'

it seems that sometimes the above gets completely lost in the rush to impress friends/co-workers

with regards to be 'grateful' for a ring - i think thats missing the point, surely being proposed to is making you ecstatically happy because you are committing to a wonderful person for the rest of your life?

If my hopefully soon to be financee feels that she needs to upgrade her ring (for me a symbol of our committment not my bank-balance) then we are obviously not on the same wavelength and SHE would be the candidate for being upgraded

as a english guy living in the USA I have seen too many of my friends over here who have been pressured in some way shape or form into spending a lot more than they can afford and accumulating debt mainly to satisfy their partner's need to have a bigger diamond than co-workers etc.

maybe its just a different culture etc than in england - certainly hardly any of my friends across the pond have spent the kind of amounts that their counterparts over here have

anyway, most of the above is my opinion, but right now I am standing by my original theory that the original poster is a troll looking to incite debate with a controversial statement

 

[aljdewey]

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On 3/29/2004 6:02:58 PM 2Bmarried wrote:





Obsessed,

There is nothing wrong with what you feel. We all have our burdens in life. Be happy yours are so small. Wait a minute, you wanted bigger burdens, right?......So people would take notice? As long as all parties involved are happy and willing participants, then everything should be wonderful! Maybe you should be checking out wifescope.com and doing some research there.

I'm so sorry, I couldn't help myself, you just made me really laugh out loud! And ladies, before you grill me, too.....let me tell you, my fiancee would have laughed her butt off at his post, as well!

Too funny!
----------------

Hahhaha - *I* laughed myself silly over it as well.

 

[Antique Radiant]

possible contender for wifescope?

haven't looked in detail, but you probably can comparison shop based on how cut they are, colour/measurement enhancements and what maintenance costs are likely to be....


http://urkainianbride.wwdl.net/

 

[Mara]

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On 3/29/2004 6:13:02 PM Antique Radiant wrote:











with regards to be 'grateful' for a ring - i think thats missing the point, surely being proposed to is making you ecstatically happy because you are committing to a wonderful person for the rest of your life?

though you may not be speaking directly to me, of course i am ecstatically happy, what does that have to do with upgrading a ring? i am not one of those types of people who attaches SYMBOLISM to a ring. a ring is a ring is a ring. it means nothing in the scope of our life together, our love etc. we'd still be in love and/or getting married without a ring. but since there WAS a ring, what's the big deal about wanting something different at some point? i'm so glad that my fiance *didn't* pidgeonhole me into HIS idea of what was appropriate. that pedestal would get really tiring after a while.

If my hopefully soon to be financee feels that she needs to upgrade her ring (for me a symbol of our committment not my bank-balance) then we are obviously not on the same wavelength and SHE would be the candidate for being upgraded

in my opinion, way too much is read into upgrading and/or rings in general. of course if she wanted an upgrade and you didn't then you are not on the same wavelength. hopefully, you have invested enough into your relationship so that you have not gotten to this point and discovered that you are in that predicament. the point is that there is someone for everyone, and one should not judge just because another does not do what YOU would want them to. it takes all kinds.


maybe its just a different culture etc than in england - certainly hardly any of my friends across the pond have spent the kind of amounts that their counterparts over here have

of course it's a different culture! ding ding! this is america, the land of the supersized fries (for a bit longer anyway) and superized waistlines. why would rings be any different? let's be realistic here. alot of europeans don't even do engagement rings, so hardly apples to apples comparison here.

anyway, most of the above is my opinion, but right now I am standing by my original theory that the original poster is a troll looking to incite debate with a controversial statement

the same could be said about you, you both are new to Pricescope in terms of posts. glass houses and stones, ring a bell?

stop being so judgemental of one that does not think as you do! /idealbb/images/smilies/nono.gif hey by the way, do you like tiffany e-rings?

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[2Bmarried]

People, people.........Can't we all just get along (with our diamonds!)?

 

[Antique Radiant]

sorry for being judgemental but this topic is actually one of the very few i feel strongly about, and i've said all i'm going to say about it...

with regard to me personally - i think communication is crucial and i made a big effort to understand what my partners' design preferences are - the downside is that the ring is not really going to be much of a suprise

 

[pqcollectibles]

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On 3/29/2004 6:20:04 PM Mara wrote:






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----------------[/quote]

"YOU! Out of the gene pool!"

I've been waiting some time now to do that!!

 

[Mara]

 

[fire&ice]

Sadly, I have seen men like Obsessed. So, while he did make me chuckle, there are men out there. Funny, the one here owns a jewelry store.

Geez, and we're not even passed Monday & already mention of Tiffany & Co.

 

[Mara]

Well since we somehow missed our weekly discussion last Friday, I felt the need to make up for it.