Update & FMIL question

[caribqueen]

I feel like I’m really getting into the swing of things with my wedding planning. I live more than 2,000 miles away from where my wedding will be held in my hometown, so we usually have to get a bunch of things done at once during our trips back home. My wedding is less than seven months away.

We recently tasted the food for our wedding and will have to make our choices; we selected cake style and flavors; saw sample reception centerpieces including the bouquet (all gorgeous); selected groom and groomsmen attire; and this weekend will order bridesmaid dresses.

So about my question: My wedding colors are purple/plum, leaf green, and ivory. My MOH will wear the purple/plum and the BM dresses will be green. My idea was to have my mother wear a dress in the purple family and my FMIL wear a dress in the green family. Many people think that my mother would look best in the purple rather than green, including me. In addition, I believe that the green will be striking on FI’s mother because of her complexion. The problem is, that I want to tread lightly moving forward and I don’t want FI’s mother to feel offended. Reason is, when she came over recently and I was informing her of all the wedding things, we started talking about colors and dresses. I told her about my wishes for the mothers’ dresses and she immediately jumped on the purple saying it was her favorite color. I should also say that she said she didn’t mind green. I believe it’s in my mother’s best interest to wear something in the purple family, and I want FMIL to look for something in green family. How might you handle a situation like this? What did you do for your own weddings and MIL and FMIL dresses?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Haven]

I did not dictate what color I wanted my mother to wear, and had my MIL been alive when we were married, I wouldn''t have told her what color to wear, either.

Are you sure this is a battle you want to enter into? I know you''re the bride, but I really don''t think you have a right to tell your mothers what color they have to wear, especially since your FMIL already expressed an interest in wearing purple.

Does it really matter if she doesn''t wear green?

 

[caribqueen]

I should add that my mother wants to wear purple as well. I think for cohesiveness it would just look better if they wear different colors rather than risk clashing if both dresses come from the same color family. This is my first wedding, so I have no perspective on the MIL/FMIL dress issue. I''m hoping that others will add some perspective on how this is usually handled or can be handled.

Thanks.

 

[Miya03]

I believe (and fellow PSers let me know if I''m wrong) that it is common practice for the MOB to pick her color, and then the MOG will pick a different color so that they don''t match. Obviously, this is your wedding and you can do whatever you want, but maybe look this up in an etiquette book? Then you (or your groom) can say to your FMIL that your mom wants to wear purple and etiquette states that she needs to pick another color so that they can both be lovely in their own right...and maybe at that point you can suggest green, it being such a lovely color that compliments her skin tone.

 

[Morgie44]

I think you should be happy that your MIL wants to wear any color that coordinates with the wedding. Most girls are not so lucky. My mom wore a color that complimented our wedding colors and my MIL wore a taupe/chamapagne type color. It was totally fine. I asked that they both try and not clash with the wedding colors (also plum and an olivey green). There is going to be probably one to two pictures with both your mother and FI''s mother in them together so it is really not a big deal . In wedding planning and combining families you have to pick and choose your battles and this is one that I would recommend you let go.

 

[sonnyjane]

I agree with the others in that I'm not sure this is a battle worth fighting. I haven't been to many weddings, but the ones that I have attended didn't have any type of wardrobe requirement for mothers - in other words, they picked their own dresses and the colors weren't the "official wedding colors". Can they both wear plum, but different dresses? Again, I don't know the official etiquette on this issue, but I'd just be counting my blessings that she doesn't want to wear a big white dress (because I've certainly read about that happening!!!)

 

[caribqueen]

Thanks ladies. I hope I didn''t mislead you that this seemed like a battle to me. I know it''s a delicate situation and I wanted to make sure I was handling it the best way possible.

I did do a bit of research and understand that the MOB picks her dress first, as stated in a previous post. And etiquette dictates that mothers should not dress in the exact, same color. But I think a good compromise could be that as long as MOG''s dress is not exactly the same hue as my MOB''s then we''re good. So if my mom goes for a kind of purple, even if FI''s mother also wants to wear a shade of purple, it should not be a problem.

 

[katamari]

I say it is not a battle worth having. My mom and my MIL both wore the same color dresses, which was not one of our wedding colors. But, it made them feel good about themselves because they both picked dresses they were comfortable with. If you are truly uncomfortable with it, I say have them just select different shades of purple that complement one another.

 

[honey22]

Really, would you prefer your MOB and MOG to wear something they feel fabulous and beautiful in or would you rather control the entire colour scheme?

You can''t have everything perfect, and I think it''s going a little too far dictating which colour they should wear. Just let them wear something that suits them?

And anyway, why can''t they both wear shades of purple? Then everyone would be happy?

 

[caribqueen]

Just so we''re clear, it''s not a "battle" and no I''m not trying to dictate what my MOB and MOG wear. It was really just a question about other peoples'' experiences with this kind of issue. I think it started when my mother asked me for my opinion about her dress. She won''t buy something unless I like it and that''s just how we are (it was the same vice versa for my wedding dress).

And as I stated in my last post, I''m okay with them both wearing a shade of purple, but I''ve learned that etiquette dictates that it not be exactly the same.

Thanks again.

 

[D2B]

to be honest in all the weddings I have attended I canot for the life of me remember what the MOB or MIL wore. Not even on my radar.

For myself and all my friends, we didnt even think about trying to get MOB or MIL to wear any particular colour or even think to check. Why cant both wear purple?

It really doesnt need to be handeld. Let the women wear what they want, assuming they have normal taste and arnt going to come in a bridal white outfit or super low cut, short skirt etc....

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/17/2009 1:10:52 AM
Author: D2B
to be honest in all the weddings I have attended I canot for the life of me remember what the MOB or MIL wore. Not even on my radar.

For myself and all my friends, we didnt even think about trying to get MOB or MIL to wear any particular colour or even think to check. Why cant both wear purple?

It really doesnt need to be handeld. Let the women wear what they want, assuming they have normal taste and arnt going to come in a bridal white outfit or super low cut, short skirt etc....

Ditto. It never occurred to me to try and dictate what colors the mothers are going to wear.

Last Thanksgiving both mothers said they wanted to wear black since it's most flattering and would make them most comfortable. I just said...cool.

ETA - I'm not an etiquette for ettiquette's sake type person though.

 

[lliang_chi]

For my wedding, I had my mom and my MIL pick whatever dresses in whatever colors they like. There really won''t be much need for the parents to coordinate with the bridal party. To be honest the parents will almost never be standing next to the bridal party, they''d only be standing with the bride & groom (think family pictures and, if you''re having it, receiving line). So they can really wear whatever color they want.

You and your mom can figure out if you''re OK with both moms wearing purple. If you are, then I think you''re OK. If you''re not, then have your FI tell his mom that you''re wearing purple, and perhaps she can pick a different color that she would look equally pretty in. If she likes purple, then perhaps she can do a beautiful wine red color, also very nice on lots of complexions...

 

[lulu]

I''ve been the mother of the groom. My daughter-in-law never told me what color to wear. Obviously I wanted to coordinate with the other colors.

Bottom line, it just doesn''t matter. The idea is that everyone should be happy and come together to celebrate your marriage. Don''t sweat the small stuff.

 

[Lilac]

At my wedding I picked the color purple. I specified an exact shade for my bridesmaids, and for everyone else (my sister, DH''s sisters, my mother, and my mother-in-law) I asked that they wear a shade of purple.

They each ended up with a different shade of purple in the end - but the colors looked beautiful together and I''m so happy they had different shades because none of them clashed and they even complimented each other very nicely. My mother and MIL were happy I didn''t tell them which shade to wear because my mother preferred darker purple but my MIL preferred light purple - so they each wore the shade they felt best in.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I wouldn't dictate what they wear at all. Granted they should be complimentary colors b/c they will be in a lot of photos, but it should be their choice. I didn't even give my mother or MIL guidelines, but let them choose what would make them happy and it worked out WONDERFULLY!

 

[KimberlyH]

I chose my MILs outfit, because she was incapable of doing so herself, and picked what I thought she would have had she been able to. My mom wore whatever she wanted, we never even discussed it, she showed me after she bought it. I wouldn''t get involved, unless specifically asked.

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/17/2009 12:48:41 AM
Author: caribqueen
Just so we''re clear, it''s not a ''battle'' and no I''m not trying to dictate what my MOB and MOG wear. It was really just a question about other peoples'' experiences with this kind of issue. I think it started when my mother asked me for my opinion about her dress. She won''t buy something unless I like it and that''s just how we are (it was the same vice versa for my wedding dress).

And as I stated in my last post, I''m okay with them both wearing a shade of purple, but I''ve learned that etiquette dictates that it not be exactly the same.

Thanks again.

Where did you hear that etiquette dictates that the mothers should wear different colors? I''m just curious, etiquette research is a hobby of mine and I don''t recall reading about this before. Thanks!

 

[junebug17]

Let your fmil wear whatever color she wants, and she''s already stated that she likes purple, so let her wear it if she wants. I''m sure it won''t be the exact same shade. I''m an older woman, and I''m usually pretty easy-going, but I''d be miffed if I was told what color to wear. Why run the risk of offending somebody?

 

[AprilBaby]

Etiquette dictates the Mother of the Bride chooses first, then the FMIL. As a MIL I agree, and I wouldn''t really care what color I wore as long as you were happy!.

 

[Lanie]

Please trust me on this one...

Let your FMIL wear whatever she wants. Let your mom choose first, then let her choose. If she chooses purple too, then let it go.

There is only ONE picture where they will show up together (probably). The one where you get up there and both sets of parents are up there. And maybe the one where both immediate families are up there together.

It is NOT NOT NOT worth telling her what to wear. You won''t even remember. You will come across as a bridezilla.

I was lucky and my MIL chose an awesome dress. She looked great. It didn''t go with my color scheme at all, but I didn''t care in the least. She looked great and it showed. In fact, I hadn''t thought that her dress "clashed" with my color scheme until now.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 11/13/2009 4:37:37 AM
Author: honey22
Really, would you prefer your MOB and MOG to wear something they feel fabulous and beautiful in or would you rather control the entire colour scheme?

You can''t have everything perfect, and I think it''s going a little too far dictating which colour they should wear. Just let them wear something that suits them?

And anyway, why can''t they both wear shades of purple? Then everyone would be happy?

Totally agree with honey...I think its a bit much to dictate the color of dress you want your MIL to wear.

 

[joelly]

Date: 11/12/2009 8:09:35 PM
Author: Haven
I did not dictate what color I wanted my mother to wear, and had my MIL been alive when we were married, I wouldn''t have told her what color to wear, either.

Are you sure this is a battle you want to enter into? I know you''re the bride, but I really don''t think you have a right to tell your mothers what color they have to wear, especially since your FMIL already expressed an interest in wearing purple.

Does it really matter if she doesn''t wear green?

I agree with Haven.

It doesn''t make any sense to me that you decide whose family wear which color. It makes sense if this is for your MOH, bridesmaids, flower girls, and the groom party. But you want to dictate what the parents wear too? I don''t think you want to start a family union by showing off yourself as someone who wants to control. Please tread very carefully on this matter.

BTW, I love your choices of color.