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Message in a Bottle (help which one should i use?)

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BearMan

Shiny_Rock
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Feb 3, 2004
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131
well I wasnt able to make this a poll but your responses are appreciated.....




I am going to be putting a "POEM" in a BOTTLE that is sealed with a cork and have it so we find it on our normal sunday walk on the beach(having a friend baby sit it from a distance with camcorder in hand too).....




Which one of the following should i put in the bottle??




POEM #1


From the Sun to the Moon


and (should i just remove "and")


The Sand to the Stars




Like the sparkles of the stars


on


A clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)




It is you that I will Love


For the rest of my life


SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME




POEM #2




From the Sun to the Moon


and The Sand to the Stars




From Mercury to Venus


and Earth to Mars




Like the sparkles of the stars


On a Moon lit night




It is you that I will Love


For the rest of my life


SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME




POEM #3




From the Sun to the Moon


The Sea to the Sky




Like the sparkles of the stars


On a clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)




It is you that I will Love


For the rest of my life


SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME






POEM #4​


A Sun rises so bright and beautifully


Then sets so soothingly




The Stars sparkles are ever so beautiful


but nothing compares to my love for you




The sun will rise for all eternity


and end its days always setting in the west




The stars will forever be wished upon


making loved ones smile form ear to ear




Just as my love for you is forever


growing every second of every minute


of every hour of every day


From the first time we met


and for the rest of eternity




It is you that I want to be my forever


I would be honored to be your forever too


SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME






Are there any glaring ERRORS or parts that dont read or sound right??




Please your opinions are greatly appreciated.




THANKS




I EDITED AND ADDED IN POEM #2
 

ClownFishFunk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 18, 2003
Messages
343
I kind of conglomerated all your poems into one and came up with this:

The sun will rise for all eternity,
Every day setting in the west -
And for each west-set sun to each moon-lit night,
And from the sand to the soon-sparkling stars
On a clear summers nightfall –
The sun will set on you, that I will love,
For the rest of my life.
Spoken: Will you marry me?


Okay, okay, it's been a dull day
2.gif


I don’t know how much you are willing to change from your original ideas, so if I had to pick one I’d go with the first, but I don’t like how the word ‘stars’ end a line two times in a row, that’s all I would change. Hope this helps – sounds like a great idea.
1.gif
 

BearMan

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
131


----------------
On 3/13/2004 4:02:34 PM ClownFishFunk wrote:





I kind of conglomerated all your poems into one and came up with this:

The sun will rise for all eternity,
Every day setting in the west -
And for each west-set sun to each moon-lit night,
And from the sand to the soon-sparkling stars
On a clear summers nightfall –
The sun will set on you, that I will love,
For the rest of my life.
Spoken: Will you marry me?


Okay, okay, it's been a dull day
2.gif


I don’t know how much you are willing to change from your original ideas, so if I had to pick one I’d go with the first, but I don’t like how the word ‘stars’ end a line two times in a row, that’s all I would change. Hope this helps – sounds like a great idea.
1.gif

----------------





I was also concerned about STARS ending 2 consecutive sentences....



I could change it slightly



From the Sand to the Stars



And the Sun to the Moon



THEN CONTINUE AS IS??

 

ClownFishFunk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 18, 2003
Messages
343
it still sounds slightly repetitive to me, but its a lot better. Besides, who said a message in a bottle had to be perfect anyway?
2.gif
 

BearMan

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
131


----------------
On 3/13/2004 4:30:11 PM ClownFishFunk wrote:





it still sounds slightly repetitive to me, but its a lot better. Besides, who said a message in a bottle had to be perfect anyway?
2.gif

----------------





I added in a NEW POEM #2 WHAT DO YOU THINK?? I think its my favorite of all so far.

 

icelady

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2003
Messages
1,030
BearMan,

I like poem number 3 with "moonlit night".

It is simple and very sweet.

Good luck!
9.gif
 

BearMan

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
131


----------------
On 3/14/2004 12:40:02 PM icelady wrote:





BearMan,

I like poem number 3 with 'moonlit night'.

It is simple and very sweet.

Good luck!
9.gif

----------------



Thanks so much Icelady! I think i like poem #2 a bit more but your reply is very appreciated....





Crazy that over 60 views and only a handful of replies....





I would even love a NUMBER ANSWER without any input too.





 

ClownFishFunk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 18, 2003
Messages
343
I like either number 2 or 3 (with moon lit night in it)
 

Buena Girl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 25, 2004
Messages
982
I like Poem #2 a lot, but maybe you could rearrange line 3 so that less pauses/lines end with stars or mars.

"Like the sparkles of the stars
On a Moon lit night"

Maybe change it to: "Like the stars twinkling(or sparkling?), On a Moon lit night"

BTW, very romantic idea -> good luck!
 

BearMan

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
131
Man the time just seems to be going so slow since i recd the ring!! I CANT WAIT




So far I think I am going to use poem #2 as it is written now
 

Kamuelamom

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 17, 2003
Messages
1,810
Bearman, I like #2, but how about a couple of quickie adjustments:

From the Sun to the Moon
and the ocean to the Stars (fits the beach theme)

From Mercury to Venus
and Earth to Mars

Like the sparkles of the sand (again, sounds beachy)
On a Moon lit night

It is you that I will Love
For the rest of my life
SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

These are just my suggestions and I see where you are going with this. I think any of them, combined with the ring and the proposal will send her clear into orbit. Good luck and please keep us posted.
 

Motoman

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
7
I'm glad you liked the idea, I wish I could've used it myself, alas the GF already knows the story
sick.gif
As to your other post, I like second version better...
 
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