How to deal with boyfriend''s friend

[Cosmo_Gal]

My boyfriend and I have our ups and downs, what couple doesn''t. We''ve been dating almost a year and a half now. I''ve posted here about some of the things that we''ve been going through, but most importantly about a certain friend of his. Him and his friend spend a lot of time together seeing as how he lives in his friend''s home. Good news is that my boyfriend and I are in the process of buying a home together. We had a little bump in the road with the home inspection today, but hopefully all that will get resolved. Anyway, on to the point...I realize being a poster to an online forum that you are free to speak your mind about whatever you''d like, that is your right. We all write things about people in our lives, or people that affect our lives whether it be good or bad. I''ve said my fair share of not so nice things about my boyfriend''s friend on here. The difference is I know that neither one will know that I wrote anything here, let alone read it. Maybe it''s my own fault for looking for the trouble, but I happen to frequent a website where said friend regularly posts. This may sound like a terrible excuse, however the reason I do it is because my boyfriend and his friend make plans to go on trips to ride quads and my boyfriend doesn''t always mention it right away. I do it to know when they plan on taking a trip before he tells me so I can prepare myself for it. On this particular evening I decided to take a look because they had planned a trip and then canceled it. They now have another trip planned at the end of the month sometime. Someone on the site asked my boyfriend''s friend to bring him as long on another trip so they could have as many riders as possible. This is what the d-bag responded with: "i''ll see what i can do about him, cant promise anything until his old lady drops off the face of the earth tho." How do I get the madness to stop?!? I think the smart answer is to stop looking for the comments, but maybe in a way I want my boyfriend to see what an incredible d-bag this guy is and drop his loser a**. He has enough balls to say it through a forum, but not to my face.

 

[ckrickett]

what an incredibly rude friend, does your bf know he says stuff like this?

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/14/2009 11:50:17 PM
Author:Cosmo_Gal
My boyfriend and I have our ups and downs, what couple doesn''t. We''ve been dating almost a year and a half now. I''ve posted here about some of the things that we''ve been going through, but most importantly about a certain friend of his. Him and his friend spend a lot of time together seeing as how he lives in his friend''s home. Good news is that my boyfriend and I are in the process of buying a home together. We had a little bump in the road with the home inspection today, but hopefully all that will get resolved. Anyway, on to the point...I realize being a poster to an online forum that you are free to speak your mind about whatever you''d like, that is your right. We all write things about people in our lives, or people that affect our lives whether it be good or bad. I''ve said my fair share of not so nice things about my boyfriend''s friend on here. The difference is I know that neither one will know that I wrote anything here, let alone read it. Maybe it''s my own fault for looking for the trouble, but I happen to frequent a website where said friend regularly posts. This may sound like a terrible excuse, however the reason I do it is because my boyfriend and his friend make plans to go on trips to ride quads and my boyfriend doesn''t always mention it right away. I do it to know when they plan on taking a trip before he tells me so I can prepare myself for it. On this particular evening I decided to take a look because they had planned a trip and then canceled it. They now have another trip planned at the end of the month sometime. Someone on the site asked my boyfriend''s friend to bring him as long on another trip so they could have as many riders as possible. This is what the d-bag responded with: ''i''ll see what i can do about him, cant promise anything until his old lady drops off the face of the earth tho.'' How do I get the madness to stop?!? I think the smart answer is to stop looking for the comments, but maybe in a way I want my boyfriend to see what an incredible d-bag this guy is and drop his loser a**. He has enough balls to say it through a forum, but not to my face.

i highlighted the first one, becuase yes. that is the responsible/reasonable answer.
I highlighted the second one becuase, have you said everything about this guy to his face? sorry to be blunt, but its pot calling the kettle black here.

Once you move out, you''ll forget why you even stressed about this guy. so, take the high road, don''t look for his comments, and just ask your boyf to make sure to keep you in the loop in advanced for any upcoming trips.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

I''ve been told that he''s been talked to several times and not just by my boyfriend..his parents, other friends of theirs have told him to lay off and he just won''t. The only reason I haven''t said anything to his face is out of respect for my boyfriend. I''m a DE transplant by way of NJ, and have lived in DE most of my life, however I have a lot of the Jersey girl in me. I know that if I confront him I will just go off. It would take a lot to hold me back from kicking this guy in the balls. He got divorced about a year ago and is on the male chauvinist pig woman hating track. He thinks everyone is his ex wife, including me. He compares me to her all the time. All I want is for him to lay off. My boyfriend loves me and while we have our issues, he wants to be with me and vice versa. Why can''t this dude accept that fact and move on? He just can''t have any respect for boyfriend and keep his opinion to himself. He thinks i''m ruining my boyfriend''s life.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:24:25 AM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
I''ve been told that he''s been talked to several times and not just by my boyfriend..his parents, other friends of theirs have told him to lay off and he just won''t. The only reason I haven''t said anything to his face is out of respect for my boyfriend. I''m a DE transplant by way of NJ, and have lived in DE most of my life, however I have a lot of the Jersey girl in me. I know that if I confront him I will just go off. It would take a lot to hold me back from kicking this guy in the balls. He got divorced about a year ago and is on the male chauvinist pig woman hating track. He thinks everyone is his ex wife, including me. He compares me to her all the time. All I want is for him to lay off. My boyfriend loves me and while we have our issues, he wants to be with me and vice versa. Why can''t this dude accept that fact and move on? He just can''t have any respect for boyfriend and keep his opinion to himself. He thinks i''m ruining my boyfriend''s life.

Cosmo -
Thanks for giving more insight to this guy. he sounds like a "class act

". E has a friend who did similar things until he got a girlfriend. guess who doesnt have time for his friends anymore?

With that, i would still say just forget about him. he''s not worth a worry! your guy sounds wonderful, and the other is just envious (yet can''t admit it!)

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:24:25 AM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
He thinks i'm ruining my boyfriend's life.

Your boyfriend must agree or at least not mind his friend's comments. Big red flag IMO.

You obviously don't mind your BF lying to you and hanging around disrespectful jerks. I don't think this problem is going away no matter where you folks live.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

He''s not lying to me about anything. We don''t spend every day together, he spends a lot time at his friend''s house because that''s where he lives. I have my own apartment. It would be nice if he told me sooner about things, but between work and all the crap that comes with every day life..I don''t expect him to remember to tell me about every little thing he''s doing or that he''s going to do. His trips with his friend don''t affect me in any other way besides him not spending time with me and us not being able to communicate. I realize i can''t deny him his right to go out and have fun, no matter who it''s with. My boyfriend doesn''t think i''m ruining his life either. Like I said, we have our issues, but it''s not earth shattering. At this point he''s learned to just ignore his friend and as much as i''d like to follow suit..i just can''t help it. I guess my boyfriend''s philosophy at this point is something is better than nothing. No matter how crappy his friend is, he''s one of his only friends in the area.

 

[LilyKat]

I would print off the thread with the comments, hand it to him with a smile, and say "Look what I came across online!"

You can''t turn a d-bag (am liking that term) into a decent person, you can''t change his opinion of you, and you can''t control who your boyfriend is friends with (and to be fair, I don''t think you''re trying to). But you can take steps to try to stop him being outright rude, and letting him know that you are aware of his comments is the best way to do it.

I would also show the printout to your boyfriend and tell him how it makes you feel. If he cares about you, he will talk to his friend and ask him to stop being so disrespectful.

 

[katomm]

I agree with the above. Your BF should know you saw the comment and ask how he''s going to handle it. Your BF should be sticking up for you and addressing his friend''s behavior.

 

[LadyBlue]

If your bf knows that you visit that forum, then I will feel upset about the situation and I will talk to him. If your bf does not know that you are looking at a forum he visits, I would not say anything, and I will just stop looking.

My DH knows that I visit pricescope, be he know this is my private time, and I don''t want him to look at this. I will feel he is spying at me if he comes to see what I''m doing or talking about here.

 

[princesss]

Talk to your BF. Would you spend time with somebody who was disrespecting your BF and your relationship with him? Probably not, right? If I had a friend that was talking about my BF like that, we''d be done. Respect me and my choices, or get out of my life. Maybe I''m just a hardliner, but those are the choices I''d want my BF to present to this "friend."

 

[purselover]

First off I agree with everyone who said your bf needs to stick up for you and not let his friends say bad things about you, it's just going to cause friction between you and your bf and it's not healthy. Your bf should see your feelings as a priority and tell this so called friend that until he makes more of an effort with you he doesn't see how they can stay friends.

Secondly I have to say I find it troubling that you are snooping around online to find out when your bf is going out of town. Again communication is key tell him how important it is for him to keep you in the loop about things, and if he still doesn't that's a problem. He's not taking your feeling into account then, it's not that hard to remember to call you and say "hey next month I'm going out of town."

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I think it''s a total b!tch that this guy is saying things about you online but at the same time, i don''t think you should say anything about it because if you do, they will know you have been snooping (for whatever reasons) and you will look like the girlfriend who is trying t control everything.

Sorry i don''t think you can win this one without making yourself look bad in some way.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/15/2009 12:24:25 AM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
I''ve been told that he''s been talked to several times and not just by my boyfriend..his parents, other friends of theirs have told him to lay off and he just won''t. The only reason I haven''t said anything to his face is out of respect for my boyfriend. I''m a DE transplant by way of NJ, and have lived in DE most of my life, however I have a lot of the Jersey girl in me. I know that if I confront him I will just go off. It would take a lot to hold me back from kicking this guy in the balls. He got divorced about a year ago and is on the male chauvinist pig woman hating track. He thinks everyone is his ex wife, including me. He compares me to her all the time. All I want is for him to lay off. My boyfriend loves me and while we have our issues, he wants to be with me and vice versa. Why can''t this dude accept that fact and move on? He just can''t have any respect for boyfriend and keep his opinion to himself. He thinks i''m ruining my boyfriend''s life.

Dont go "off" on him or he''ll just say that you are proving his point. He has a really bad attitude towards
women and I dont think you are going to be able to change it at this point (yes, he is a d-bag).
Your boyfriend needs to stand up and tell him to cut it out or he will have to spend less time with him.
Your BF''s friend is being disrespectful of you and your BF. Why would your BF put up with this?
First I wouldnt do anything but maybe printoff that comment and stick it somewhere. Hopefully
once you and your BF move in together your BF will have less time to spend with him. If the name
calling continues I would have a non-confrontational conversation with your BF and ask why he
lets this guy disrespect you. It really seems like he should be sticking up for you more.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Please don''t take this the wrong way, but honestly I would not be purchasing a house with your boyfriend until the dbag friend is out of the picture.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/15/2009 9:32:46 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
I think it''s a total b!tch that this guy is saying things about you online but at the same time, i don''t think you should say anything about it because if you do, they will know you have been snooping (for whatever reasons) and you will look like the girlfriend who is trying t control everything.

Sorry i don''t think you can win this one without making yourself look bad in some way.

I agree. If you bring it up to your bf you look bad. Very bad. He''ll get upset and turn to his friend for advice (or just a place to vent) and it''ll just get worse.

You need to work on communication. Things aren''t going to change just because you get a house together. He''ll still make plans to go out of town and forget to tell you.
Could you share your Outlook calendars? That would let you each see what the other has going on so nothing is a shock. Or maybe set up a new calendar for both of you to share?


Another concern is this friend. The d-bag. He isn''t going to go away either. (unless you are moving out of the area). If fact, if he is renting I wouldn''t be hugely shocked if your bf offered to let him stay in your house with you. (like when his lease is up or if he loses his job or_____)

 

[Jessie702]

Date: 9/15/2009 5:17:52 AM
Author: LilyKat
I would print off the thread with the comments, hand it to him with a smile, and say ''Look what I came across online!''

You can''t turn a d-bag (am liking that term) into a decent person, you can''t change his opinion of you, and you can''t control who your boyfriend is friends with (and to be fair, I don''t think you''re trying to). But you can take steps to try to stop him being outright rude, and letting him know that you are aware of his comments is the best way to do it.

I would also show the printout to your boyfriend and tell him how it makes you feel. If he cares about you, he will talk to his friend and ask him to stop being so disrespectful.

I completely agree with what LiLKat said......he NEEDS to tell his friends, not even ask them to quit being disrecptful. He should at least be able to do that for you. If he wouldnt, i would be a little worried, myself

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/15/2009 1:20:24 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Please don''t take this the wrong way, but honestly I would not be purchasing a house with your boyfriend until the dbag friend is out of the picture.

Correct!!!

 

[purrfectpear]

Oh please. You go to that website to snoop on your BF. Do you really want us to believe you''re just trying to "plan ahead" because he might "forget" to tell you his plans

As to this guy having the balls to say stuff to your face, if he did, you''d be on here whining about the nerve of him saying it

Look, for whatever reason, your guys friend just doesn''t like you. Guess what? He doesn''t need to. He can say what he wants and think what he wants. You aren''t crazy about him either, right?

Stop thinking life is a popularity contest, stop snooping, and stop worrying about what other people think or say.
Do work on the relationship with your BF, as that is what counts.

 

[oddoneout]

Why does your bf even hang out with this guy? This guy being the only "friend" he can hang out with in the area is not a good enough reason. Tell your bf he needs to get a new "friend". There must be thousands of other guys he can hang out with that are way better than this guy. You bf should be standing up to you and seeing that the behaviour of his "friend" is unacceptable. What good bf would put up with this behaviour towards his girlfriend?

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

My concern doesn''t lie in whether or not he likes me or not because I could really care less. All I expect is that he''s respectful no matter how he feels about me. It isn''t about me or him, it''s putting my boyfriend in the middle and it isn''t fair. I''m just as much to blame as his friend and we both need to grow up a lot. The difference is that I keep my opinion about his friend to myself when I talk to my boyfriend. He''s a d-bag, I know it, my boyfriend knows it..it''s no big secret. My boyfriend just says that his friend''s opinion has no influence on his decisions whatsoever. I''d say that''s pretty true because if it was, my boyfriend would have dumped me a long time ago. I think he''s just afraid to talk to him and afraid to lose him as a friend no matter how much of a d-bag he is. His own family has wronged him and in turn has caused him to have major trust issues. It takes him a long time to warm up to people. He hasn''t made a single new friend since we''ve met. My boyfriend doesn''t post on the website, only his friend does. And yes, I''m sure that if he did tell me how he felt about me to my face I would whine about that too. I would love to work on my relationship, but his friend''s presence doesn''t help with that either. He makes demands like a gf would such as I need you to come help me with my quad or if he forgot he told his friend he would come over, his friend texts wondering where he is. When my boyfriend doesn''t come "home", he texts wondering where he is. I know that when my boyfriend doesn''t come over after work that he''s at his friend''s house and I don''t text message wondering why he''s not with me. I would love to be the one to end it all, but I don''t know if that''s appropriate. I don''t even know how I''d go about doing it. He''s never had the pleasure of hearing my 2 cents about his behavior, but I''ve heard plenty about what he thinks about me. To some extent I deserve to feel guilty for some of the things I''ve done to my boyfriend, but not every day and not a year after they happened.

 

[Haven]

Cosmo--I''m sorry that your BF has a toxic friend and that the friendship is affecting your relationship with your BF.

However, here''s the deal: It doesn''t really matter why your BF is friends with this person (e.g. the trust issues to which you alluded), the issue here is that he is friends with this person, and maintaining this friendship means that he is choosing to keep someone in his life who mistreats you.

It is not your place to break up this friendship, and rather than being concerned about what this friend is saying about you, I think you''d be wise to be concerned about your BF''s priorities and where you fall among them.

To be candid, it sounds like your BF doesn''t really care that his friend disrespects you, and I''m not sure I''d be comfortable purchasing a home with him if I were you until his behavior and choices and lifestyle prove that being committed to you is, in fact, a priority of his.
You should take issue with your boyfriend, not with his friend.

And really, snooping on a forum is not a nice thing to do. In fact, it''s wrong, in my opinion. It sounds like you''re just looking for trouble, as far as that is concerned. You''ve said equally unkind things about this friend here on PS, so I don''t really see the difference.

Have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him how his friendship with this person makes you feel, and go from there. Good luck.

 

[tlh]

I agree w/ Haven.

 

[KimberlyH]

You mentioned previous posts about your issues so I went back and browsed them, they ranged from him drinking excessively, in your opinion, to hanging out with a "womanizer", to not spending enough time with you, and now having issues with this friend (I assume it''s the same guy referred to as a womanizer) all since December, including one post that alluded to an imminent break up. A lot of difficult relationship stuff to contend with in such a short amount of time.

I would consider taking a step back (meaning no joint house purchase) and working on your relationship before trying to move on as a couple. There appear to be many things you do not see eye-to-eye on, and living together will only magnify those issues. As for the friend, I wouldn''t say a word (and I''d stop snooping IMMEDIATELY!).

 

[kittybean]

Date: 9/16/2009 6:11:13 PM
Author: tlh
I agree w/ Haven.

+1.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

This scenario begs the question why a secure man who was committed to his partner would allow/invite (continued) disrespectful behavior from a "friend".

Sharon

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/16/2009 7:22:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
You mentioned previous posts about your issues so I went back and browsed them, they ranged from him drinking excessively, in your opinion, to hanging out with a ''womanizer'', to not spending enough time with you, and now having issues with this friend (I assume it''s the same guy referred to as a womanizer) all since December, including one post that alluded to an imminent break up. A lot of difficult relationship stuff to contend with in such a short amount of time.


I would consider taking a step back (meaning no joint house purchase) and working on your relationship before trying to move on as a couple. There appear to be many things you do not see eye-to-eye on, and living together will only magnify those issues. As for the friend, I wouldn''t say a word (and I''d stop snooping IMMEDIATELY!).

ditto to Kimberly. You can''t stop your bf hanging around with his friend but I would have a chat with him about it as his friend clearly disrespects you. I would also take a step back from buying a house until your issues are worked out.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/16/2009 7:22:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
You mentioned previous posts about your issues so I went back and browsed them, they ranged from him drinking excessively, in your opinion, to hanging out with a ''womanizer'', to not spending enough time with you, and now having issues with this friend (I assume it''s the same guy referred to as a womanizer) all since December, including one post that alluded to an imminent break up. A lot of difficult relationship stuff to contend with in such a short amount of time.

I would consider taking a step back (meaning no joint house purchase) and working on your relationship before trying to move on as a couple. There appear to be many things you do not see eye-to-eye on, and living together will only magnify those issues. As for the friend, I wouldn''t say a word (and I''d stop snooping IMMEDIATELY!).

Ditto...I would not buy a house or move in together until some of these issues are work out. Too much going
on in such a short period.

 

[Pandora II]

Way too many red flags here to even think about renting a place together let alone BUYING one!

In previous posts you have talked about your bf's 'needy friend' - the one he wanted to spend NY with - and how he was leaving permanently and that your bf had another friend with 2 kids...

I'm going to be honest here: your bf is not ready to be engaged or to buy a house with anyone. He invariably chooses his friends over you.

Why would you stay with a man who so obviously doesn't put you first? Why would you do this to yourself? I would RUN not walk from this relationship.