- Joined
- Jul 23, 2009
- Messages
- 188
Am I being unreasonable?
FH and I both come from rather large families. When we got engaged we decided that we wanted a smallish wedding (<100 guests) and this would mean not inviting cousins and even sacrificing some old friends off the list, but we drew a line between the people we had to and wanted to invite and those that we would have like to but realistically it would become a logistical nightmare.
My mother announced that she would pay for everything and since price did not matter anymore that we should invite all of her extended family. [this will sound like my parents are separated but they are actually happily married and my dad is a very patient man] I of course reminded her that if we invite second cousins on her side (and her friends) then we''d have to do that on my dad''s side and both sides of FH''s family too. She couldn''t cope with this but we came to a compromise that we''d have a less formal cocktail engagement party with all the extended family, family friends, etc and then when it came to the wedding FH and I would be in complete control of the guest lists.
Our compromise isn''t working. My mother now wants complete control over the venue of the engagement party, the food, drinks, date, etc but she still wants me to plan it. She refuses to listen to what FH and I want and every time we explain what we would like she immediately changes the topic back to what she wants. We''ve offered to take over completely financially in order to have it our way (which isn''t extravagant but since we are only planning this party to accommodate her and wouldn''t otherwise include 50% of the guests it is an unwanted expense) but she is still incredibly vocal about what she thinks it should be like.
A few examples of what she wants:
*Location of the venue close to her home, I would prefer central to make it easier for guests and also closer to where FH and I live.
*Drink prices are of upmost important to her, she has this idea that because we are young everyone will binge drink and she will be left with the tab. She found a really grotty venue with incredibly cheap drinks. I don''t particularly want people getting ''plastered'' at our party and most of our friends/family don''t even drink more than a glass or two of wine. Besides that we have offered to pay for drinks but she can''t get her mind off this venue despite us both clearly telling her in no uncertain words that we hated it.
*Time frame. FH and I became engaged in July, we won''t have a ring until next month but would like to celebrate while the news is still ''news''. My mother wants to have the party in february or march next year as she doesn''t think there is enough time to organise it, it will be too close to christmas, people go away on holidays, etc, etc. I don''t see a point in having a party that late and realistically if we could just get moving there is plenty of time to organize a casual event for mid november but since we can''t agree on anything it is heading february way.
I don''t know what to do and am seriously at the end of my rope. FH called her today and tried to explain our perspective but she won''t budge on anything or even listen to what we want. I spent the afternoon in tears as we don''t want a day that is supposed to be about us to be about someone else and I have no idea how to move forward from where we are. I''m at the point where I want to forget it all and elope and this is before we''ve even touched wedding plans! She is so incredibly stubborn once she gets something like this in her head that I''m afraid that if we just do it our way completely out of our own pockets that she will take it as a personal insult and probably won''t attend. As much as this is stressing me out and making me angry I do very much want my mum to be a part of this.
FH and I both come from rather large families. When we got engaged we decided that we wanted a smallish wedding (<100 guests) and this would mean not inviting cousins and even sacrificing some old friends off the list, but we drew a line between the people we had to and wanted to invite and those that we would have like to but realistically it would become a logistical nightmare.
My mother announced that she would pay for everything and since price did not matter anymore that we should invite all of her extended family. [this will sound like my parents are separated but they are actually happily married and my dad is a very patient man] I of course reminded her that if we invite second cousins on her side (and her friends) then we''d have to do that on my dad''s side and both sides of FH''s family too. She couldn''t cope with this but we came to a compromise that we''d have a less formal cocktail engagement party with all the extended family, family friends, etc and then when it came to the wedding FH and I would be in complete control of the guest lists.
Our compromise isn''t working. My mother now wants complete control over the venue of the engagement party, the food, drinks, date, etc but she still wants me to plan it. She refuses to listen to what FH and I want and every time we explain what we would like she immediately changes the topic back to what she wants. We''ve offered to take over completely financially in order to have it our way (which isn''t extravagant but since we are only planning this party to accommodate her and wouldn''t otherwise include 50% of the guests it is an unwanted expense) but she is still incredibly vocal about what she thinks it should be like.
A few examples of what she wants:
*Location of the venue close to her home, I would prefer central to make it easier for guests and also closer to where FH and I live.
*Drink prices are of upmost important to her, she has this idea that because we are young everyone will binge drink and she will be left with the tab. She found a really grotty venue with incredibly cheap drinks. I don''t particularly want people getting ''plastered'' at our party and most of our friends/family don''t even drink more than a glass or two of wine. Besides that we have offered to pay for drinks but she can''t get her mind off this venue despite us both clearly telling her in no uncertain words that we hated it.
*Time frame. FH and I became engaged in July, we won''t have a ring until next month but would like to celebrate while the news is still ''news''. My mother wants to have the party in february or march next year as she doesn''t think there is enough time to organise it, it will be too close to christmas, people go away on holidays, etc, etc. I don''t see a point in having a party that late and realistically if we could just get moving there is plenty of time to organize a casual event for mid november but since we can''t agree on anything it is heading february way.
I don''t know what to do and am seriously at the end of my rope. FH called her today and tried to explain our perspective but she won''t budge on anything or even listen to what we want. I spent the afternoon in tears as we don''t want a day that is supposed to be about us to be about someone else and I have no idea how to move forward from where we are. I''m at the point where I want to forget it all and elope and this is before we''ve even touched wedding plans! She is so incredibly stubborn once she gets something like this in her head that I''m afraid that if we just do it our way completely out of our own pockets that she will take it as a personal insult and probably won''t attend. As much as this is stressing me out and making me angry I do very much want my mum to be a part of this.
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