ack ...diamond woes

[Unicorny89]

Hello I am new here LOVE the site !!!
I just recently got engaged and have been anxiously awaiting my rings arrival , but after the dust had settled of him initially asking me I found out the diamond was his ex''s (he''s been engaged before)... Now I am the first to admit I am an EXTREMELY territorial person, and it bothers me that it would get reused I guess. I love him and I appreciate the gesture but I cant help but feel off in a way. The ring itself is beautiful and I cant wait to proudly wear it .
Any ideas as to how I should go about it ?
and I cant seem to find anyone with this ring I cant wait to see it but Im scared I wont like it, just based on the diamond.
Ill have specs tomorrow and quite possibly pictures but advice is greatly appreciated

http://ritani.com/products/view/547/in_category/1

 

[cindygenit]

It is very likely a beautiful diamond and ring, but IMVHO, you deserve a diamond and a ring picked out JUST for you.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I know a diamond is just... well... just a diamond, but I TOTALLY understand why you feel the way you do. And I think it''s justified.

Having an ex''s stone is quite different from having a family heirloom stone.

Any chance he can trade it in/trade it up? I guess this depends on where he purchased the stone, but many a retailer has a lifelong diamond trade-up policy... Just tell him you''ll have to go .24cts larger

 

[ficklefaye]

personally i wouldn''t accept a diamond ring from my FI knowing it was his ex''s, i would actually be insulted if he did this, so i feel you are justified in the way you feel, if all else, i would rather reset the diamond than have it in the exact same setting

 

[honey22]

Sorry, but I have to agree with the ladies here. I would also be hurt and offended if a man tried to give me his ex''s ering. It''s not just a piece of jewellery, it''s a symbol of your union. It was purchased specifically with love and intent for ANOTHER WOMAN, not for you.

I am sure he''s trying to save money or something equally intelligent, but men don''t think with their hearts now do they? When you look at your ering everyday for the life of your marriage, you are looking at a symbol of someone else''s engagement. Maybe explaining this idea to your FI (if you feel that it''s true) then maybe he can understand why it''s probably a good idea to sell it, cut his loses and then you can both go and pick the perfect symbol of your union.

Good luck sweetie!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 9/11/2009 2:27:57 AM
Author: ficklefaye
personally i wouldn''t accept a diamond ring from my FI knowing it was his ex''s, i would actually be insulted if he did this, so i feel you are justified in the way you feel

100% ditto! I wouldn''t accept it. I wouldn''t care if I had to trade DOWN. I would be hurt, insulted, and ultimately feel like perhaps this wasn''t quite the real thing. If he loves you enough to marry you, he should care enough to get you a new diamond and a new setting! Not just one or the other.

 

[Unicorny89]

He did say it was a promise, and a physical symbol of what was to come in our future. I have been promised and sworn that I was going to get an upgrade and that the .50 ct thats in it now (which I get today btw) is no where near acceptable. I know its not permanent but I dont want to wait for 2-3 yrs before we upgrade. The ring is soley mine and brand new and a hell of a lot prettier than hers ... its just the rock. Thank you ladies so so much for your advice Im glad Im at least some what justified. My BFF keeps telling me its just a symbol and to suck it up. Somehow I really cant...
Have a wonderful day

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hmm... is it just the diamond or is it the same ring? If it's the same ring no way jose.. i mean what if she was to bump into you too and see you wearing it??

If it's just the diamond and depending on the size, value and ability to have it set any way you please and depending on your FI's financial status i personally would consider it.

It also all depends on whether she wore the ring, saw the ring, knew the ring existed etc.

My FI was engaged once before and from what i have been told that diamond was a cracker. He had sold it before we met but has always expressed his regret at selling it when he could have kept it for me. I have always had mixed feelings about it. Yeah, it would have been a better diamond than the one i am wearing now, but then, i don't know if i would have been comfortable wearing it, knowing that it was hers to wear first.

But having said that, i wear the wedding ring that was made for her, that she never wore. I figure that they never married, so technically it's not her wedding ring.. and who am i to say no to a channel set princess cut diamond band in Platinum for a friendship ring that i wear on my right hand? I hope i bump into her one day and she sees that i am wearing it.

ETA: Hmm, i just re read that it is a ring.. maybe see if you can reuse the diamond, but definately don't wear her ring if you don't feel right about it.

 

[oddoneout]

I totally understand you being angry. I wish I had some advice on how to discuss the issue.

 

[cocolaw]

eeeeh, no way. i would look at my left hand and think about her, or worse, him proposing to her. nope.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/11/2009 8:29:41 AM
Author: Unicorny89
He did say it was a promise, and a physical symbol of what was to come in our future. I have been promised and sworn that I was going to get an upgrade and that the .50 ct thats in it now (which I get today btw) is no where near acceptable. I know its not permanent but I dont want to wait for 2-3 yrs before we upgrade. The ring is soley mine and brand new and a hell of a lot prettier than hers ... its just the rock. Thank you ladies so so much for your advice Im glad Im at least some what justified. My BFF keeps telling me its just a symbol and to suck it up. Somehow I really cant...
Have a wonderful day

Ouch!!

Part of me understand that from a man''s point of view it''s no bg deal, but having said that I''m 99.9999% sure that my FI wouldn''t dream of giving me a diamond that was originally intended for his ex.

I guess you could live with it as you have a great excuse for an upgrade later

 

[princessplease]

To me, that's a big no no, especially since it was his ex's ring that he gave to you. I'd have a HUGE problem with that situation. I would refuse the ring, and take a serious look at the situation. If he wants to marry you, you deserve your OWN ring, not a symbol of your FI's love for another woman and his promise (albeit broken) to her.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 9/11/2009 8:54:42 AM
Author: princessplease
To me, that''s a big no no, especially since it was his ex''s ring that he gave to you. I''d have a HUGE problem with that situation. I would refuse the ring, and take a serious look at the situation. If he wants to marry you, you deserve your OWN ring, not a symbol of your FI''s love for another woman and his promise (albeit broken) to her.

Ditto.

 

[LadyBlue]

I would only accept the diamond if I would wear it as a pendant

 

[rhbgirl24]

I wouldn''t take this either. It to me sounds like some serious commitment issues, and doesn''t prove to me that he wants to spend his life with ME. urg. Something sits very wrong with me with this one. I understand it financially, but emotionally I''d be very upset.

 

[Unicorny89]

He knew as soon as I was up this morning something was wrong, he said "Im sorry its just financially I couldnt do a new diamond and if its any consolation it was something she demanded not a promise that I made to her like I made to you in any way shape or form I love you more than I ever did her" So I feel better a little and she only wore it for about 3 weeks before he was like um no no over over bitch ! lol I have been promised a new diamond cause like I have stated before I LOVE the ring. As far as a pendent lol that was my first anniversary present But it is the thought that counts. As far as our commitment thats why he did it even though he couldnt in all honesty afford it. As it is hes helping me through school

He was wonderful man and I am thankful everyday for him. the diamond is a bit unsettling, but thats the only problem I have.
You guys are awesome and thank you so much for the advice I will post a lot more and soon

 

[rhbgirl24]

As long as he has explained to you and you have no doubts or worries. Just look forward to an upgrade!

 

[Unicorny89]

Oh FYI he never did propose she basically said "you buy this now" and that was the "engagement" He didnt get down on one knee and very early on he said he''d really like to do that one day. which he did for me
It was a complete surprise to me for our 2nd anniversary.

 

[Unicorny89]

Oh girl I am !!! Hes a chemical engineer with a firm thats about to explode into the ChE industry.

 

[Black Jade]

Congrats on yr. engagement.
He sounds like a wonderful and sensitive to the issues with the diamond. I would be pleased that he was bothering to explain it so much to me--he certainly doesn''t sound insensitive.
Only you can decide if you want to wear it or not. I''m not going to tell you my feelings because people are different about these things. I have one close friend who has an e-ring she treasures (never takes it off her finger) that is made up of the diamond her precious second husband gave her (for the center stone)--and a whole bunch of other diamonds that come out of the ring given to her by a really lousy ex-husba nd. The ex-husband was actually an abuser who used to beat her and their child. She HATES him. But to her, the diamonds are only diamonds. Once she got the ring from her new husband, she felt the center stone was on the small side and thought that since she had all these other diamonds from the for mer ring, she''d ''put them to use''. She doesn''t mind telling people all about it, saying that the center stone (from new husband) is great quality, but the marquises from the previous ring are ''crappy'' an d so forth and so on.
So--to each their own. People have all kinds of different feelings about these things. Clearly your fiance loves you and not his ex, which is what counts.
However, there are two things to think about--
One is that with the best will in the world upgrades don''t necessarily happen, and definitely they don''t always happen on schedule. Because bills happen, unexpected pregnancies happen, life happens. If the only way you can bear to wear this ring is by thinking about the upgrade, I''d consider this fact.
Two is, even though my friend tells people about her ring, you mght consider keeping this under your hat. Just show people your ring and don''t tell them this. They''ll all give an opinion and probably make you feel worse and worse as you have to justify. It''s okay to talk on this forum, but I wouldn ''t set myself up to be judged IRL--or to have my fiance judged.
Congrats again!

 

[violet3]

Date: 9/11/2009 8:29:41 AM
Author: Unicorny89
He did say it was a promise, and a physical symbol of what was to come in our future. I have been promised and sworn that I was going to get an upgrade and that the .50 ct thats in it now (which I get today btw) is no where near acceptable. I know its not permanent but I dont want to wait for 2-3 yrs before we upgrade. The ring is soley mine and brand new and a hell of a lot prettier than hers ... its just the rock. Thank you ladies so so much for your advice Im glad Im at least some what justified. My BFF keeps telling me its just a symbol and to suck it up. Somehow I really cant...
Have a wonderful day

I would like to think my logical side could be large enough to get over something like this, but I imagine I would feel the same way you do - it would kind of linger in the back of my mind no matter what

so sorry...

 

[Unicorny89]

Well I got the ring today and I cried it was absolutely gorgeous and to be honest it doesnt even look like the same diamond. Not to mention his re-proposal was so sweet he brought me flowers and asked me in the middle of lunch it was magical.
I am glad I was able to worry a little and be so pleasantly surprised. I cant stop looking at it

Thank you Ladies ALL for your advice and help and as far as I am concerned this is MY diamond it wasnt someone elses

Once I got the pix scaled down I will post

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Congrats! Glad you love it- cant wait to see pics!

 

[andex23]

I too have a Ritani ring. Love it (although I haven''t found a wedding band for it yet and Ritani doesn''t have one on their site...but that''s a whole ''nother issue).

Your ring looks fabulous BTW.

On the diamond/center stone issue, I think that it really shouldn''t be an issue. Think of it this way....

(1) Your FI could go into debt and get you something that you deserve (and causing some stress because as we at BWW will tell you, Wedding''s aren''t cheap and you''re about to spend some $$)
(2) You could still be BF/GF and wait until he''s saved up whatever funds he needs and you could be still his lovely girlfriend, OR
(3) You could happily accept the ring, re-used stone and all, and be happy that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And besides, now you''re guaranteed for that "upgrade"!

 

[Maisie]

Just think of it this way. That horrible woman didn''t deserve such a beautiful diamond. You do and its yours now. Take care of it and love it, the way you do your man.

 

[lulu]

Frankly, the same diamond wouldn''t bother me at all. If my diamond was put in a lineup of similar stones I couldn''t pick it out. And I love that setting!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I think that the love this diamond comes from means more than the diamond itself.. you said it.. she demanded it,he didn''t want to give it to her, he wanted to give it to you. There was no proposal for her, but a sweet one for you. Enough said. Congrats on your engagement and i want to see a pic!!!