When the groom says "they won''t come anyway"

[Diamond Confused]

I just updated our guest list and we are at 122. We wanted a 70-80 person wedding. I got my list down to 34. My Fiance however feels the need to invite cousins he has seen a handful of times in his whole life. and to make it worse they all have a +1. He says there is nothing he can do about it. I can''t cut out anymore people on my end.

Most of them live far away but as many of you have said, they show up. What can I tell my fiance?

 

[meresal]

They are family. Have you invited family members that you have only seen a handful of times? Whatever your answer is to that question... then you either have an arguement or you don't.

 

[musey]

Well I don't know whether my take will be a popular one, but I truly believe that if he wants to invite them (whatever his reasons may be), then that is up to him. Maybe they'll come, maybe they won't... but are a few guests over your 'ideal' really worth arguing about?

Anyway, all you can really tell him is that you're not inviting those equivalent people from your side - if it's true, that is.


You two need to be on the same page as far as the guest list categories. Have you done this? Written out a list of the "types" of people you want to invite? Ours looked like this, as an example:

1. All family extended to first cousins (+ spouses and children)
2. Close friends from undergrad years (I had 15, he had 29)
3. Close friends from high school years (I had 6, he had 0)
4. Close friends from outside of school (I had 3, he had 1)
5. Parents' "must-invite" friends (mine had 4, his had 12)
6. Miscellaneous limited to 10 total (we had 6 combined)

It's a lot easier to start from scratch with a list like this and fill in the must-haves that don't fit into the categories, rather than starting with the nebulous "whoever we want to invite." With the latter, you just have this random smattering of whoever came to mind (which means you'll start huge then have to make cuts)... whereas the former is a really structured way of making the decisions (keeps you from going overboard then having to cut back).

 

[Diamond Confused]

Date: 7/2/2009 8:56:37 PM
Author: meresal
They are family. Have you invited family members that you have only seen a handful of times? Whatever your answer is to that question... then you either have an arguement or you don''t.

No, just the ones I am close to which is an aunt, an uncle and 2 cousins that I grew up with and are like siblings to me. I have a lot more family than that but I don''t need them at my wedding.

 

[FrekeChild]

If it''s a "YES I really want them to come even though they probably won''t", then invite them.

If it''s an "I feel obligated to invite them to come, even though they probably won''t come anyway", then don''t invite them.

Learn from my experience.

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/2/2009 9:09:23 PM
Author: Diamond Confused

Date: 7/2/2009 8:56:37 PM
Author: meresal
They are family. Have you invited family members that you have only seen a handful of times? Whatever your answer is to that question... then you either have an arguement or you don''t.

No, just the ones I am close to which is an aunt, an uncle and 2 cousins that I grew up with and are like siblings to me. I have a lot more family than that but I don''t need them at my wedding.

If that is the case, then there is no reason for you or your FI to feel obligated to invite these family members. Just remind him of how many family members you have left off of your list, and see how his viewpoint changes.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/3/2009 12:46:35 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 7/2/2009 9:09:23 PM

Author: Diamond Confused

Date: 7/2/2009 8:56:37 PM

Author: meresal

They are family. Have you invited family members that you have only seen a handful of times? Whatever your answer is to that question... then you either have an arguement or you don''t.

No, just the ones I am close to which is an aunt, an uncle and 2 cousins that I grew up with and are like siblings to me. I have a lot more family than that but I don''t need them at my wedding.

If that is the case, then there is no reason for you or your FI to feel obligated to invite these family members. Just remind him of how many family members you have left off of your list, and see how his viewpoint changes.

I think this depends a lot of each family. For exemple, I love my family, cousins, aunts, etc etc. I would not miss a wedding, and I will feel sad if they missed mine. In the other side my husband is not close to his extend family, he did not invited them, and we did not go to his cousin wedding eather, even tought we were invited. So, i think you can not expect your FI feel the same way. Maybe you don''t need them at your wedding, but he does.

Just my .02

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/2/2009 8:51:25 PM
Author:Diamond Confused
I just updated our guest list and we are at 122. We wanted a 70-80 person wedding. I got my list down to 34. My Fiance however feels the need to invite cousins he has seen a handful of times in his whole life. and to make it worse they all have a +1. He says there is nothing he can do about it. I can''t cut out anymore people on my end.

Most of them live far away but as many of you have said, they show up. What can I tell my fiance?

Do you want to keep it small for financial reasons? If so, you''ve got an arguement for not inviting them. Why ''is there nothing he can do about it'' - is the pressure to invite his cousins coming from somewhere else?

It''s a tough dilema and you''re not the first bride to be to face it. I don''t have a magic answer but I hope you guys can agree on who comes and who doesn''t