What to do about the future sister in law

[Diamond Confused]

First of all I have to say that I am not looking forward to having in laws. My FIs family is wonderful but they are not my family and having issues with them acting like they now have some sort of right to meddle in my life.

Right now the issue is the sister in law (Kristin), not FIs sister but his brother''s wife. Basically my future mother in law keeps telling me I should have Kristin as a bridesmaid. I really like her but I want my BMs to be "my people", girls that I have a history with. Oh and also, FI basically invited her to my bachelorette party. I don''t want her there. Like I said, she is nice but I don''t feel comfotable enough around her to go crazy. It''s my bachelorette/30th birthday and don''t want anything to put a damper on my fun. WHat do I do

 

[ladypirate]

I''m actually inclined to say include her--I know that she''s probably not your best friend, but she is your future family. It seems like including her in the festivities is a great way to form great relationships with your future kid''s aunt.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Not sure about the bachelorette party..but as a BM? Heck no. If you don''t want her as one, don''t have her as one..it''s as simple as that.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 6/3/2009 3:42:11 PM
Author: ladypirate
I''m actually inclined to say include her--I know that she''s probably not your best friend, but she is your future family. It seems like including her in the festivities is a great way to form great relationships with your future kid''s aunt.

Ditto LP. I don''t think you should have to include her in your bridal party but I wouldn''t stop her from attending your bachelorette party.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/3/2009 3:42:11 PM
Author: ladypirate
I''m actually inclined to say include her--I know that she''s probably not your best friend, but she is your future family. It seems like including her in the festivities is a great way to form great relationships with your future kid''s aunt.

I gotta agree. I''d just have her, easier to include her than not too. I Do agreee with you about not having her as a bridesmaid... But would have her to your bachlorette party... And you said you like her, so that''s cool. Must my 0.1.

 

[meresal]

She is not your FI's sister, she has no "place" in your bridal party (unless you are friends and you want her there), no matter what your FMIL says. I would stand up to this as soon as possible.

As far as the Bachelorette party, I would assume if she doesn't know anyone, would she really come? I would invite her though.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ditto...no obligation to have her as a bm, but I think it is appropriate to ask her to the bachelorette party.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

DC- stand your ground on the bridal party thing. Heck, I bet the FSIL would feel awkward if you asked her. I know I would think, "Why is this chick asking me to be in her bridal party? Doesn't she have friends? Relatives? Someone else she actually knows well?"

As far as the bachelorette party goes, I'd say to go with the flow. It may be a good bonding experience. If she is quite quiet and reserved and would "disapprove" of you going crazy, um, well, maybe she can go home early and knit a sweater while you party it up with your gal pals. Don't let her put a damper on your fun. You may actually find that she's a total blast to hang out with in social situations. Pay her as much heed as you would any other attendee, and act as you would if she weren't there. You'll still have a good time!

 

[SapphireLover]

Gut feeling- stand firm on the bridesmaid issue, but let her come to your bachelorette/ birthday party. From what you''ve said, you don''t really have much against her (she''s never done anything to actually offend you) but you just feel uncomfortable around her.

DF has a sister and I would never consider asking her to be my BM, but she will defnitely be invited to my hen do (what we English people call Bachelorette parties!). I have absolutely nothing in common with her and have nothing to talk about with her, she is lovely, but just not my type. I am aware that if I didn''t ask her it would hurt DF and FMIL.

 

[Diamond Confused]

I think you are right about the bachelorette party - it wouldn''t hurt to have her there. Two of the girls coming (my sis and her best friend) are her age and get along so she can hang out with them. She is definitly a fun girl but I got a little worried after a vegas trip we just took. She went to bed really early and didn''t drink. I guess with her husband at home she''ll be more herself which I''ve heard is pretty crazy.

Sapphirelover - I feel the same way. She and I are like night and day.

 

[kama_s]

While I agree you should only have people who mean a lot to you in your bridal party, I have to say your attitude towards having in-laws isn't exactly the best. They ARE your family now. How would you like if your FI said he wasn't interested in your family?

If you're having issues maintaining personal boundaries with them, then it's definitely something you can work on and set "rules" based on your comfort level. You just need to enter this with a more compromising and positive approach.

Meanwhile, I would explain to your MIL why you dont want to have SIL in your bridal party and be firm, but polite so she gets the message that you've already made a decision.

 

[Diamond Confused]

Date: 6/3/2009 4:36:57 PM
Author: kama_s
While I agree you should only have people who mean a lot to you in your bridal party, I have to say your attitude towards having in-laws isn''t exactly the best. They ARE your family now. How would you like if your FI said he wasn''t interested in your family?

If you''re having issues maintaining personal boundaries with them, then it''s definitely something you can work on and set ''rules'' based on your comfort level. You just need to enter this with a more compromising and positive approach.

Meanwhile, I would explain to your MIL why you dont want to have SIL in your bridal party and be firm, but polite so she gets the message that you''ve already made a decision.

I don''t mean to sound so harsh, I do like them and care for them but I don''t see them as family and there is not much I can do about this sentiment. I especially have trouble dealing with it when they act, as I said before, like they have a say in my life. I am always courtious, friendly, and respectful but I think that''s the most I can do. I get it from my dad

 

[SapphireLover]

Sorry to sound harsh, but soon they will be your family. If you go into a marriage with an attitude luke that you will constantly have friction and tension, which will leave your husband hurt and in the middle. While they don''t have a right to tell you what to do, they are his parents and want to help guide him in a way they think best for him. From what you say they haven''t actually done anything truly hurtful, they just bug you. Unfortunately they do it in a way that annoys you. Soon you and your FI will be family and his family will soon be your family.

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

Date: 6/3/2009 4:05:59 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Ditto...no obligation to have her as a bm, but I think it is appropriate to ask her to the bachelorette party.

Agreed

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/3/2009 5:03:12 PM
Author: Diamond Confused

I don't mean to sound so harsh, I do like them and care for them but I don't see them as family and there is not much I can do about this sentiment. I especially have trouble dealing with it when they act, as I said before, like they have a say in my life. I am always courtious, friendly, and respectful but I think that's the most I can do. I get it from my dad

That's just sad. I hope your attitude towards your new family will soften over time.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Unfortunately, if you marry your FI, they will be your family whether you like it or not.

Now, just because they are family doesn''t mean that they have any say in how you live your life. I''m not sure if maybe that''s the relationship you have with your family, and that''s why you feel this way.

In your position I would tell FMIL (the next time she asks) that you''ve decided on who to include in your bridal party, and are planning to stick to that. This is not a rude thing to say, so you shouldn''t feel uncomfortable about it. You two are adults, and will be interacting with each other for a long time, so you might as well open the lines of communication early on. It will really prevent many clashes with the ILs down the road.

 

[Diamond Confused]

Date: 6/3/2009 8:31:50 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Unfortunately, if you marry your FI, they will be your family whether you like it or not.

Now, just because they are family doesn''t mean that they have any say in how you live your life. I''m not sure if maybe that''s the relationship you have with your family, and that''s why you feel this way.

In your position I would tell FMIL (the next time she asks) that you''ve decided on who to include in your bridal party, and are planning to stick to that. This is not a rude thing to say, so you shouldn''t feel uncomfortable about it. You two are adults, and will be interacting with each other for a long time, so you might as well open the lines of communication early on. It will really prevent many clashes with the ILs down the road.

That''s what I''ll do. I''ll let her know that I''ve picked them and I don''t want to add anybody else.

 

[NakedFinger]

DC- Your bridesmaids are supposed to be women that you love, trust, want to support you and want standing by your side up there at the alter/chuppah as you get married (and someone you cant possibly imagine being "just another guest"). Clearly, this woman is not one of them. In which case, she should not be your BM (and mini-vemt, as a wedding planner, it amazes me how many people feel they have a say in things. Its not your FMIL''s place to tell YOU who should be YOUR bridesmaid, like REALLY??? k vent over).

I would however, invite her to your b-party. I was invited to my bf''s cousin''s party, and even though we dont hang out that much, and I was more "family" than one of her girlfriends, she just prefaced the party with "please dont tell T anthing i do tonight! I apologize to you in advance!". LOL So dont let her ruin your fun, trust me, you will probably be enjoying yourself so much you wont notice she is there!