Is this a good idea, or not necessary?

[smooleys]

Her father is deceased, and her mother doesn''t speak English very well. Would it be a nice gesture to "ask" her older brother or tell him of my intentions? She said that her mother would not be seeking to be asked, plus I want this to be a surprise, which her mother would most likely ruin. I trust her brother to keep it a secret. Should I tell him, or not even bother since it is her brother, not father or a parental figure?

Thanks.

 

[chetmichaels]

if she''s really close to the brother, it''s sweet.
if she''s not, well he doesn''t need to be in the loop

 

[katamari]

Why don''t you use the brother as a translator to talk to her mother? Then, you can include them both.

Honestly, if my SO sidestepped my mother to ask my brother, I would find it highly offensive and patriarchal. I think your intentions are in the right place, but you might want to think about how your GFs mother and your GF would think about this. Plus, if her mother will be paying for any part of the wedding, I think she would deserve to know.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:17:22 AM
Author: katamari
Why don''t you use the brother as a translator to talk to her mother? Then, you can include them both.

Honestly, if my SO sidestepped my mother to ask my brother, I would find it highly offensive and patriarchal. I think your intentions are in the right place, but you might want to think about how your GFs mother and your GF would think about this. Plus, if her mother will be paying for any part of the wedding, I think she would deserve to know.

that is such an interesting point, i didn''t think of it that way. I guess (since i only have a sister), if it was in my case, i would want E to ask my sister AND mother, but not just my BIL.

I think even though her mother isnt expecting the conversation, asking for her blessing [using the brother as a translator] would be a kind gesture.

 

[smooleys]

My only issue with asking the mother is that she will let the cat out of the bag. I want this to be a surprise and I highly doubt her mother will be able to keep it to herself. That''s why I thought the brother versus nobody was better than nothing.

 

[katamari]

Then I think you should just totally keep it to yourself. I assume that the brother would tell the mother if you told him, so just let your FF tell them both after you propose. Good luck with your proposal!

 

[pjean]

Yep. Keep it to yourself, and then the two of you can tell her mother together. Won''t that be an awesome moment?

 

[JulieN]

i think it''s kind of strange to ask the brother. Unless he''s quite a bit older and basically has the position as Man of the House, but even then...still a bit strange.

 

[anthony187]

How close is she with her God Father? If she is hispanic it is a very close bond. When her father passed the responability went to her God Father. I would ask him.

 

[AprilBaby]

I think it is sweet of you to ask the brother as the elder man of the family! (I am the age of the parents)

 

[LaraOnline]

I still think it's polite / good form to let the parent know of your intentions, perhaps even just an hour or two before you propose, so there is no chance of them ruining the day (assuming you're not in driving distance, that is!!)

If you didn't ask/inform ahead of time, would your girl have to suspend her answer until she had talked it over with her family?
Perhaps it would be best to propose first, and then go and visit them together, to ask for the family's blessing...?

Mothers are just as worthy of respect in this regard of 'permission' as fathers (*ahem* if not more)
If they are a patriarchal mob, with brother playing the 'man of the house' role (happens in heaps of families) - or if you just want to make sure mum understands you properly, you could consider meeting with the brother the day or two before... you did say he could keep a secret.

Or, best of all if they live close by, perhaps you could inform mum, with brother by her side?

I guess asking / informing ahead of time requires that the family is reasonable - and likes you!