Question for my LIW''s

[TryingAgain]

Hey girls...

I was having this discussion with my BFF this weekend.

Do you agree with the old saying of "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?

Do you think that someone who once cheated can be in a faithful relationship?

Do you think that someone younger can grow out of it?

Honestly, SO has a horrible track record. He is very young though. He was in a lot of relationships in his teens and early 20''s where both parties stepped out on the other. To me it just seeems like kid games of, "Instead of calling it quits, I''ll just stoop to your level." I truly believe that things with us are different. I know we have a mutual respect where if we weren''t happy, we respect and love each other enough to just part ways and admit that we might not be perfect with each other. That being said... I would never forgive someone who actually cheated on me. I just feel that once that trust is lost, I could personally never regain it. I think that every relationship is different. I''ve seen people who were total womanizers/manizers (LOL) that turned into completely faithful husbands and wives when they found the right person. Key thing, finding the right person.

So what do you ladies think?

 

[sklingem]

In my OWN humble opinion I think that if a person has "only" cheated once in a past relationship and has learned from that experience, then it should be of no concern. "Serial cheaters" would raise a red flag for me, though again, it all depends on how old they were (don''t blame it all on age though) and there are chances that they would not repeat. If someone cheated on me in my relationship (and that has happened) I could not (amd did not) forgive them. It is too much a break of trust. Now if you are already in a relationship with someone whi has cheated several times in the past I would certainly not end it just because of that past history. Maybe I would be more cautious; then again being cautious or holding back would not be good for the relationship either. I guess you have to take a leap of faith, trust the guy as if he had never cheated and hope for the best, while knowing what you would do if indeed it happened!

 

[Bia]

I definitely don't believe that a person who cheats once will, no matter what, go on to cheat again. Cheating, much of the time, is a reflection of an unhappy, or unstable relationship. There is a reason behind cheating (one-night-stands included).

In terms of "growing out of it," that is interesting. It seems to me the couple in question wasn't too serious to begin with if they were both cheating on eachother!--either that or they both knew that they weren't right for eachother (possibly in the back of their minds).

Now, can a cheater be forgiven? That's a good question. I think yes, but what happens after really depends on the person who was cheated on. I have always said (still do) that I couldn't take back my BF if he cheated on me. Not because he'd be a bad guy (b/c he's a good natured person), or because he didn't love me...I just wouldn't get over it, ever, I don't think. I would make his life miserable because, naturally, the trust would be gone, but ever worse, just thinking about the ACT of betrayal would drive me crazy for the rest of our lives...and who wants that???

However, who knows? Every situation is different. I know plenty of marriages that have survived infidelities. Right now, I say, "NO, I couldn't get over it," but you don't really know what you'd do until the moment presents itself, right?

 

[Booper717]

I believe, this saying, just like most, is true for some, not so true for others.

I agree with what Bia said, that cheating is a reflection of the relationship or a specific time in the relationship.

I was once in a long term relationship and was treated badly, and very unhappy. I obviously should have got out of it but there where some issues as to why it wasn''t that easy, anyway, after 3 faithful years I ended up seeing someone else. It was WRONG. My boyfriend at the time wanted nothing to do with me, and totaly ignored me. I put up with it for way to long then made that dreadful mistake. Even though it was wrong it helped me to see the light and realize that despite the circumstances I had to get out of the relationship. And I didn''t leave my (then) bf for the mystery man either. I ended it with him (mystery man) first, then took some time, and ultimately ended it with bf as well. I was dumb, and I''m ashamed for what I did. Even once I found out bf was on American Singles and chatting up some girls on AIM. It wasn''t right. In no way am I justifying my behavior. I''ve learned from that, and will never stoop that low again.

My current SO knows about this, but knows I''d NEVER, in a million years cheat on him

For some people cheating is a mistake. For others it''s a behavior.
I also think that prehaps it may have something to do with finding the "right" one. Obviously cheating is no way to treat those who arn''t "Mr or Mrs Right" but maybe that''s something some ppl don''t fully see until they''re with "THE ONE". Honestly, I think it''s unlikely for people to change. But I think it can be done. If someone is really serious and committed to becoming a better person with alot of work change can be achieved.

 

[JulieN]

I think it IS about finding the right person.

Also, I think some types of cheating are more serious than others.

 

[fieryred33143]

I’m not an LIW anymore so hope its ok for me to chime in.

Here’s my opinion or modified version of that saying: once a cheater, chances of that person cheating on you again is very high.

Explanation—does a person who once cheated on someone cheat on another person? No, not always. People like to assume that cheaters are these God awful human beings with no compassion for anyone else. Truth is that sometimes the relationship is awful and they feel that cheating is easier than leaving. It’s a stupid assumption that they are making but a very real and valid reason for cheating in their minds. Once they do leave the relationship, they can find someone better and remain faithful forever.

However, if that person cheats on their SO/spouse and remains in a relationship with the same person, chances of them doing it again is extremely high. Why? Because they know they can get away with it. They know what not to do to get caught again. And they know that if they do get caught, they just have to say xyz or do xyz to get off the hook. The only way that a cheater can stop cheating on that person is if the person that was cheated on lays down some hard rules AND enforces changes within the relationship.

I’ll give you an example:

I met my FI through dating his friend. I was with the friend for probably 3 months or so before I get a phone call from his wife. I had no idea he was married and what’s worse is that he told me his son was 1 years old when he was really 3 months old. I met him in a bar the day after the son was born.

The wife and I spoke for hours because I was truly sorry about everything. She said I wasn’t the first one he’s cheated with and I wasn’t the only he was in a relationship with at the time. Fast forward 2 years, he started dating a friend of mine (he didn’t know…Miami is a very small town) although was still with his wife. Fast forward 3 years, my FI tells me that his wife got into an altercation with another girl he was cheating on her with. And just 6 months ago, his wife found all of the girls he had been talking to via Myspace and emailed all of them.

Problem is that she has never stood up for herself. She has never said I will not let you do this to me again. She just cries, doesn’t “let him” go out for a week or so, and then a week later everything is back to normal.

He will never stop cheating on her ever. But whose fault is it really?? Can the relationship continue to work with faithfulness after cheating, yes. But the "cheatee" needs to make the changes otherwise they'll get burnt again.

FYI He's 30 so it's not that he's young and they now have 2 children

 

[Anna0499]

I think people can be faithful after cheating in a past relationship, but honestly, it sends up a red flag to me. People who cheat are usually immature (either because of inexperience or personality flaws) & don''t know how to cope with rough patches in relationships or bad relationships altogether. A serial cheater comes across to me as someone who doesn''t know how to communicate & solve problems with their SO in a mature & productive manner & instead engage in self-sabotage in order to end the relationship in a roundabout way. Can people grow & learn from his/her mistakes? ABSOLUTELY! However, it is often hard to tell who has grown because, as in every relationship, you won''t see their "dark side" until things get hairy. Every relationship begins with a huge leap of faith, but I believe trust is earned rather than a given which gets taken away.

I don''t think I could stay with someone who cheated. I could forgive, yes, but forget? NEVER. It would affect my relationship so deeply that things would just be miserable because I would be questioning everything my SO told me from the moment of infidelity. I know 100% that I would not continue a relationship with someone who I CAUGHT cheating (vs. SO coming clean to me).

I think the whole finding the "right person" thing is BS personally...whether or not you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone is not a valid excuse for cheating; your SO deserves respect & fidelity as a human being regardless & if you can''t give that to him/her you should end the relationship immediately. If you know your SO is not "The One" that is all the more reason to end the relationship instead of cheating. Plus, cheating often times ends the relationship prematurely so you might not ever get to the level of intimacy needed to determine if you''ve met "The One."

Just my .02 & the "you"s don''t refer to any poster in particular.

 

[TheNextMrsB]

Someone may cheat once, but that doesn''t mean they would cheat again. I cheated on my current SO, and I would never cheat on anyone ever again. I confessed to my boyfriend, and yeah, he was hurt and shocked, but he forgave me. Since then, we''ve been nothing but faithful to each other, and we had planned to get engaged next year until life got in the way. Of course, not every relationship recovers from cheating, and we are quite young, so maybe that had something to do with it.
The reason I am confident that I wouldn''t cheat again is because of my reason for cheating. Some people cheat for the thrill of cheating, and yeah, those people will probably cheat all their lives. I cheated because I didn''t know how to handle the relationship problems in front of me, and in the moment, it was easier than breaking up or trying to deal with the issues at hand. I never sought out to cheat on my boyfriend; things just kept evolving. I''ve learned my lesson.

 

[jcarlylew]

in my own experience as the cheatee,

I have a hard time with that phrase. I think the definition of Cheating needs to be more defined. Is it a cheat where the other partern continues a relationship with another person? Is it a "oh my god i was so drunk i didnt even know what happened" cheat, or is it a "I did it once, and felt horrible" cheat?

For those people who are able to have multiple relationships (after a "serious" one is defined, thus cheating) and gets away with it, then i feel that those people hold on to that sense of power and can (and some do!) will continue to cheat. Now, that doesnt mean that they will not change, or that they are never to be trusted, just that as the other side of the relationship, that person cannot be nieve and think it will never happen. But as long as there is RESPECT and trust in the relationship, i doubt it would (I did date a serial dater, so this is off my experience. Did he cheat on me? probably in the beginning, but not towards the end).

For the "oh my god what did i do" cheats, i think those are case by case, and should be forgiven, but not forgotten without a serious talk and boundries set. I know if E pulled something like that due to drinking, i would of course forgive him, but i would ask him to stop drinking.

personally i feel if you respect your so, and yourself, cheating is less likely to happen.

TryingAgain - i think that if the respect and trust is there in your relationship, it sounds like a keeper to me

 

[TryingAgain]

Lots of great opinions and chatting in this thread.

I didn''t create the thread because I worry about my boyfriend. For some reason I feel 100% confident that our communication is good enough that if we were going through a rough patch, we could talk, not do stupid stuff. I trust him. I realize he may have made mistakes in the past, but he''s actually learned. Bottom line is, he didn''t HAVE to be 100% truthful about his past, I would have never found out. But as we got serious he sat me down and told me ALL and explained to me that he was just looking for a very honest and real relationship. That he wants to put effort into something and have it grow and not play games. He understands that I''ve been cheated on and he sees how badly it effected me and he knows there are no second and third chances with me. He''s out of town on business right now and I am not worried at all. I hear in his voice how much he misses me and how much he loves me.

I more or less thought this might spark a great discussion, which I feel it has. So many different opinions on this!

IndyGirl - In a situation like that guy is in. I hate to say it, but his wife is part of the problem. She''s taught him it''s okay to treat her like crap and degrade their relationship. HE will never change. He doesn''t have to!

 

[dreaming of the day]

With this subject I am always so torn. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever cheated on someone. I just believe that if you love someone you wouldn''t put them through the pain of that, because not only would it ruin the trust in your current relationship but it would also ruin the trust your SO has in their future relationships. Why ruin the innocense of truly trusting? However, if my SO cheated on me, I can''t truly say what I would do - I think I would have to break up with him because I know I would make our lives miserable, but at the same time I would want to forgive him and continue on with our lives. I just don''t think I really could forgive or forget it. Just me though, I would never look down upon anyone who could, in fact they are stronger than I could be.

 

[trillionaire]

I don''t see how cheating just "happens", ever. IMO, fidelity is not a difficult decision, and SO feels the same way. I trust him implicitly, and he me. If he cheated, he knows that that is a deal breaker for the relationship. To me it is about respect, and I cannot be in a relationship with someone who does not respect me.

But that''s just me, and I tend to take a hard line on things.

I don''t think that because someone cheats that they will always cheat. I knew a lot of guys in college that slept with every pair of walking legs.

I felt bad for the women who either couldn''t see what they were doing, or were naive enough to believe that they could change them. However, once these guys graduated, they straightened up. Now they are in professional school and jobs, and in stable relationships. One guy even married the long term GF that he had in college that he repeatedly cheated on. She forgave him, and they made it work. *shrugs*

I also had a close friend and roommate whose boyfriend propositioned me, over email, no less. (Idiot) I printed the emails and gave them to her. She was livid, but he spent the night at our house the same day, so I assume she forgave him. We never talked about it again, and they have been together for over 6 years now. I don''t think there is a rule or recipe for these things. Some people have cheated and will do it again, other people won''t. But I think people do deserve your trust until they prove that they are not worthy of it.

 

[FrekeChild]

Do you agree with the old saying of 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'?

Nope. I cheated on an ex. And I haven't cheated since then. I'd try to break up with the guy, and he'd come over, block my car in the driveway, call me incessantly, etc, and would always talk me out of it. So I basically began another relationship that he didn't know about. I was young and stupid and he was young and stupider. And I haven't done it since then. ETA: sex was not involved in the cheating relationship. Only romantic feelings, spending time together, and kissing. Nothing else.

Do you think that someone who once cheated can be in a faithful relationship?

Obviously. I am. And have been in two faithful relationships since then. With the one I'm in, I plan on it lasting forever.

Do you think that someone younger can grow out of it?

If you mean grow more mature, then yes. I did. But it doesn't happen to everyone. Serial cheaters are bad news...

 

[Pandora II]

I ''cheated'' on several of my ex''s.

The first time - I was 23 and been dating/living with an alcoholic who had pretty much flattened my self-esteem for over 5 years. I was on a work placement in Italy and ended up working with this drop-dead gorgeous man who took me out for dinner and made me feel young and free and attractive again. I had a wild month-long fling and I''m glad I did. It gave me the balls to dump the boyfriend and wake-up to the fact that you shouldn''t work at some relationships - you should run as fast and as far as you can!

The second time - I was dating yet another toxic and violent individual (oh yes, I could pick them...

) and had a fling with a man I worked with. Again, it gave me the boot in the backside to leave.

Finally, I was dating someone else (although LD and going no-where) when I met DH.

I don''t regret any of it for a single moment.


No-one ever cheats by accident, there is always a deciding moment. I mainly cheated because I was unhappy.

Since I met DH I have never even looked at another man.

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/25/2008 9:52:20 AM
Author:TryingAgain
...


Do you agree with the old saying of 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'?


Do you think that someone who once cheated can be in a faithful relationship?


Do you think that someone younger can grow out of it?

...

He was in a lot of relationships in his teens and early 20's where both parties stepped out on the other. To me it just seeems like kid games of, 'Instead of calling it quits, I'll just stoop to your level.'

I do believe that cheating can be indicative of many things which means I also believe you can stop cheating. In this instance, I would be worried that cheating was used as a way to deal with problems in the relationship. If the two of you are completely open about everything and talk through the biggest and the littlest problems, you should be fine. It sounds like this is the case. Plus, being able to approach problems is a maturity thing, so it is possible to grow into it.

I am not sure I could forgive a cheater. It would be very hard, because I don't tend to have that forgiving of a personality and I am only interested in enjoyable and effortless relationships. I would not even entertain the idea of forgiving someone who was having a side relationship (even if it never got physical). A one time, physical slip up would be something I could probably get over (although I would rather not know about it unless it was a health risk).

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I am torn also on this thread. My boyfriend and I have never cheated on each other, and I know I never will. I trust my boyfriend won''t either. But in my case, my family is kind of screwed up because of cheating. My dad supposedly cheated on my mom 2 times but since he is not a truthful person, no one knows. I think it is more of a trust issue because if someone cheats and is honest always, you can count on them. Someone who is a serial liar might not tell you the truth about their cheating which will affect the relationship constantly. There is always the aspect of not telling a SO about what is going on. I think that is the same thing as lying?

Just my two cents, I hope it makes sense.

 

[lala2332]

i think cheating on a more casual BF/GF, while NOT good is not necessarily indicative of how the person will be in th future in a more serious relationshi, and vice-versa....if someone cheats on a spouse and they divorce and he/she is marrying again...I think that raises far more concerns.

I cheated on high school bfs plenty (they did too)...we were all just immature 16-18 year olds running around kissing everyone...(it was just kissing on my part at least). But I have never cheated on anyone since then. I think you have to chalk some of it up to immaturity.

I can''t imagine the trust issues that would be cause if in a serious relationship someone cheated and they stayed together. I would go beserk....I would drive us both crazy with my suspicions, no matter how much I wanted it all to work out.

 

[vita*dolce]

i think people cheat for one of two reasons:

1. something is missing from the relationship

2. or something is missing from the individual.

i don''t think it''s always about finding the right person, i think it can be as much about finding happiness and security in yourself.

 

[LaraOnline]

People grow. Also, people really can learn from mistakes!
I might be a little cautious, but I wouldn't rule out a relationship with this person altogether. Particularly if they have 'volunteered' the information themselves, as part of a heart to heart.

Perhaps if there have been other lifestyle changes, as well (eg new job, lives in different area, has different friends or different interests) that might indicate that his life is now more accurately reflecting his values, and he is not searching for something to fill any gaping void...

If there are a string of warnings from people you vaguely know however...!
Also, other signs... is this person a flashy person? Does he seem to have an attitude of entitlement? Does he gravitate to the lowest cut dress/gaggle of girls in the room?

I'm a big proponent of fidelity, but sometimes I think people can easily get in over their heads, because often they haven't even really formally 'chosen' the partner that they're with.
People being people, they get intimately involved in relationships that really should have fizzled out at just the emotional stage. But because they've really 'gotten to know each other' they have invested heavily in the relationship and just keep going.

Because most people are intrinsically nice people, they continue with this partner even though important needs are not being met, or even addressed.
I actually think this situation is really common, for young people, particularly.
They can get caught up in situations that are not really nurturing or on track for them. How do they get out? It is too heavy to break off 'okay' or 'go nowhere' situations. The usual thing is to try to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. Often, I think more women should jump ship as they steadfastly cling to the hopeless loser / disinterested partner!

Marriage is a somewhat different thing, because the whole idea is that people are mature and have made a conscious choice about how they live their life. However, there will always be awful partners in marriage, too, who can really mess your life around.

I say judge carefully, appraise the person's personality as it currently seems, and don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

[edotf104]

Date: 8/25/2008 10:43:19 AM
Author: Booper717



For some people cheating is a mistake. For others it''s a behavior.

Absolutely agree with that.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to whether or not you feel like you can trust who you''re with. It reminds me of this quote... "To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

Do you ladies think that''s true?

 

[dec2410]

Date: 8/25/2008 7:17:23 PM
Author: vita*dolce
i think people cheat for one of two reasons:

1. something is missing from the relationship

2. or something is missing from the individual.

i don''t think it''s always about finding the right person, i think it can be as much about finding happiness and security in yourself.

vita*dolce, i couldn''t agree more with those to points...

my SO had been in many relationships in the past where he had been cheated on or where he was doing the cheating. every time, when he cheated, the relationship was already circling the drain. besides that fact, at that point in SO''s life, he was highly dependant on relationships to give him a sense of value and his identity. after his last failed relationship (both parties cheated on the other), he made a decision to stay single for a while and work on himself and his issues before deciding to start dating again. after 3 years of being single and developing self confidence in who he was as an individual, he met me! he told me up-front about his past, and i embraced his honesty and have 100% faith that that''s all behind him.

 

[allycat0303]

I actually talked about this with my fiancé this morning.

I thought that there were different types of cheaters:

1) Some men just need variety/excitement etc.

2) Are unhappy in the relationship, but don`t want to break it off.

3) Alcohol induced/helped cheating.

4) The wonderful category of "need because their wife, SO is unavailable" (Lately I`ve come to know 3-5 men that cheated while their wives were pregenent. Yup, swell guys, just what I would want for the father of my child

If you are unhappy in a relationship, I think you need to be able to talk it through, or the other person should AT LEAST be aware that cheater is unhappy. If someone can`t even talk about the relationship to their partner, I don`t think it would be different with me unless they had undergone a lot counselling, etc. There's something about the ''I wasn't happy in the relationship...but SO other had NO idea because cheater never mentioned they were unhappy)

However I do think that sometimes the person is saying over, and over again''I am not happy, I am not happy'' and the other person refuses to make any changes whatsoever. Kind of like saying ''I don`t care if you`re unhappy'' I kind of understand cheating in that respect.