Best Friend problems (off topic)

[lala2332]

THis is long and off-topic, but I''m so sad about this and need to vent!

Background:
My college roommate/best friend lives in the city where I''m from. I''m not currently living there b/c of law school.
Anyway, she is a great friend most of the time. She is one of those girls that tends to get lost once she is dating someone and forget about her friends for the main part. I''ve always known this about her. I''m super independent, so this has never been a big issue. In college most of our sorority got really mad at her for this, and I was one of the few people that stuck with her as a friend, even though it ended up costing me "friends."

In college I made good grades without a lot of effort, so I tended to go out a lot and not take school super seriously, so my friend got used to my happy-go-lucky attitude with school. Law school is so different. I work by butt off all the time! I''m in the library every single day of the week!This past year I buckled down even more with school and went out rarely and didn''t drink much at all.

Anyway, she and her latest boyfriend broke up last summer. I worked really hard to make sure that she had tons to do, b/c I was in town then. My law school is only about two hours away, s once school started back up i got her to come down a lot since there is usually something going on. She even kissed a couple of guys that I''m in school with! My friend really wanted the old me around to go out and get crazy with her, but I just couldn''t. When I did go out, I would sip one or two beers all night and go home by 12 and would get mad when I wouldn''t party it up with her.

Current situation:
She hasn''t answered or returned my phone call/emails/facebook messages since February. I have no idea what caused this sudden break. I was in town a lot this summer and called everytime trying to see her and never heard anything back. It just makes me so sad that this is one of my closest friends and that she won''t even tell what I''ve done. As BF and I talk about getting engaged it just makes me so sad to think that she isn''t going to be a part of everything.

 

[Lauren8211]

Man, that is really disappointing. Especially at such an exciting time in your life. I''m so sorry that you''re dealing with that.

Unfortunately, I don''t have any advice at all. Sometimes people can be strange when you don''t live up to their (bizarre) expectations. If she was that close of a friend, she really owes you an apology, or at the very least, an explanation. I would hunt her down until you find out the real issue. It may be something you haven''t even really thought of. February is a REALLY long time, though.

Sometimes it''s hard to let go of childhood friends, even when they are more of a liability than anything.

Thank you for you post, it''s made me realize some things about my own childhood best friend. LOL.

 

[fieryred33143]

I can relate to your situation very well. My “best friend” was very similar (although she has snapped out of it) and still is very much “all about me.” When I was in college, it was easier to handle because I didn’t have much going on. I went to school, worked, partied, slept, and did the same thing the next day. Hearing all about her drama and her problems and her life was ok for the time being, especially since my biggest problem was not being able to start my car to go to work. But now that I’m in the “real world” she’s too much for me to handle. I have a lot of things going on, a lot of plans for the future, I work long hours, take minimal vacations…you get the point. I need someone that can kind of help me sort out my problems but she’s not that person to help me…everything is always all about her.

So what I’ve come to learn is that she is someone I love deeply but just like everything else in life, she has a very specific role in my life. I’m her shoulder, and she’s my girl buddy (movies to see girly films, shopping, nails, gossiping, etc). I don’t expect anything more from her.

It’s hard when you feel that you would do anything for another person and then realize that person doesn’t feel the same. All I can tell you is to redefine the role she has in your life and move on from there. It doesn’t mean you need to get rid of the friendship; you just need to look at it differently.

I hope that all made sense LOL

 

[CalBearsFan]

I''m sorry to hear your friend is being so lame. I''m in law school right now too and I totally understand your situation. Unfortunately people who have not lived through it don''t really understand. They somehow seem to think it''s like being in college all over again.

From what you have written it sounds like you have really tried on your part to be a good friend to her. And it sucks when your friends act selfishly when you don''t meet their expectations. If she''s not going to be understanding of the lifestyle choices you have made in order to do well in school, then that''s her being selfish and not a good friend. But, I don''t really think there is anything you can do in this situation. Anyway... *HUGS*

 

[purrfectpear]

It seems like your friend hasn''t grown out of the Party Like Every Day is Spring Break phase.

If she can''t respect how difficult law school is, and how important grade standings are, then maybe she''s better off with the shallow crowd. Sounds like you have your priorities straight.

 

[Haven]

Date: 7/28/2008 5:41:56 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It seems like your friend hasn''t grown out of the Party Like Every Day is Spring Break phase.


If she can''t respect how difficult law school is, and how important grade standings are, then maybe she''s better off with the shallow crowd. Sounds like you have your priorities straight.

Ditto.

I hope your friend comes around and you can either resolve the situation, or get some closure.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, Lala...as painful as this is, you need to understand that (just like any relationship) not everything lasts forever.

It''s pretty clear you and your friend went in different directions. Thats okay and perfectly normal for girls to do as they break out into the "real world" and make their big choices.

If you haven''t heard from her since Feb, it''s pretty clear she doesn''t have anything to say. I trust completely that you have made a great effort to draw her in, engage her in your friendship, and make the effort to just make it work between the two of you. But maybe she saw you as you were now: working hard at law school, being reserved when it came to partying, in a serious relationship...and realized "hey, thats not where I am...and I want friends more inline with my values and my priorities right now".

I believe that ending a friendship hurts a million times more than ending a romantic relationship. As women we tend to draw our friends in and make them family...we tell secrets, share stories, we talk about everything and that person really becomes a part of your personal identity. And when it just doesn''t work out, or you find that you two have drifted apart, it makes you feel empty and void of that closeness you two shared. So, how you''re feeling--that nostaligic "we were such good friends and I want her to celebrate my happiness" is perfectly normal. But you also need to let it go and stop hurting yourself in process. Perhaps in the future there will come a place and time where she''ll reach out to you again and you two can reconnect.

I wish you the best...surround yourself with positivity and happiness as you plan out your future and while you dont have to close the door to your friendship, you certainly don''t have to be the gate keeper 24/7 either....

 

[lala2332]

Thank you so much everyone for your support!!

I''m sure my friend has her reasons to be mad at me. It def. took both of us to get to this state in our relationship. I jut wasn''t ready and am not reallly willing to let go yet. I''m going to try to keep bugging her to talk to me. At least so that she will tell what went wrong in her eyes.

Anyway, thanks again for the supprt its nice to hear!!!!

 

[wishful]

Okay, just so you know, I''m not going to read the other replies...I''m just going to post my own. And sorry it''s long.

First off I have friends that sound very close to what you are describing.

Unfortunately if you choose to be friends with them (as I do) - you have to take the friendship with a grain of salt. And I have learned over the years to stand up for myself and not back down on making sure that it''s a two way street.

My best friend is very much like you described. Her life comes first. When we are together (usually on her terms/schedule) we have a great time because I happen to be very easy going and I prefer others to take the lead in what we do socially and she is very good at that. So it works out.

BUT now that I am in a serious relationship (so is she) when she gets a wild hair and wants to spontaneously make some plans happen I would say 9 times out of 10 I cannot do it because she has brought it up SO last minute and I have a very busy life. I have to tell her this EVERY SINGLE TIME! I have to say "Look I''m sorry...but I didn''t know you were coming down to SD until this afternoon! I have other plans or I''m just too busy!"
She sort of expects me to drop everything when she comes down or accomodate her into my pre-existing plans. Probably because that''s how it was in the "good old days" when we were in our mid 20''s and were partying it up every weekend night and I was single and had tons of free time! Now I have other things that are my priority.

So as far as advice, I''d say send her a very FRANK e-mail. To the point, no sugar coating. Just tell her that life is a two way street. We all go through our own different situations. And right now the coin has flipped for her, she''s got some down time and you do not. So she needs to be as respectful to your life situation as you have been fun for hers. If she can''t then she probably isn''t worth the effort any longer.

Good luck.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/29/2008 9:15:20 AM
Author: lala2332
Thank you so much everyone for your support!!

I''m sure my friend has her reasons to be mad at me. It def. took both of us to get to this state in our relationship. I jut wasn''t ready and am not reallly willing to let go yet. I''m going to try to keep bugging her to talk to me. At least so that she will tell what went wrong in her eyes.

Anyway, thanks again for the supprt its nice to hear!!!!

LaLa - good for you. This might sound a little vain, but it''s better to be the person who doesnt give up than the jerk who doesnt bother (disclaimer:there are certain people worth dumping regardless).
I am in a similar situation, except i know what the fight was about, and still (almost 1 year later) we are still not talking. Now while the fight in the long run was not worth ruining a friendship, the fact that i have extended the olive branch many times (including sending a grad gift *GGGRRRR*

) I have yet to get any response. So, I do feel better that at least i made the attempt. I am not going to drop him completely, but he will come around in his own good time. All i can do it just try not to make into a "well i tried harder than you" conversation.

With that said, i think there are certain friendships that can get over bumps in the roads easier than others (not meaning that those are better, but maybe less hassle

). It''s always worth it to make that "last ditch effort" IMO. Trust me, i got loooaadds of those kind of stories. dang friends

 

[lala2332]

UPDATE:

Well my "friend" finally decided to respond after me trying to reach her for 6 months. This is what she wrote:

Hey. I'm sorry I haven't responded for so long but honestly I just haven't had the time. Truly ____, I don't feel like we are good friends. I guess for me it was kind of a 3-strikes-you're-out situation. I consider myself a really good friend to those I choose to make my friends and I expect the same out of them in return. I understand your life is hectic and all but for me, it was first being ditched at the football game, then you ditched me for new years eve (when I was still struggling with the fact that I was single), and then you called one time since then to check in (believe it was sometime in March) and you talked the whole time about everything with you which is great but I think if you really are close with someone and care about them you tend to care about their lives as well.
So much has happened in the last 6 months that we haven't talked that you have no clue what is going on in my life! I've been dating someone for almost 6 mos., I moved, I got a new job...BIG life changes that if you were a real friend you would know or want to know about. Then, you start blowing me up, of course only when it is convenient for you because you are here seeing _____ anyway. I'm really sorry to have to say all this but I do feel I owe you an explanation. We simply don't see eye to eye when it comes to friendship. I wish you the best in life and I hope you and _____continue to be very happy together...I just don't see us being "well-matched" close friends. Sorry! Take care!


I'm not going to go into what actually happened in the incidents she lists, but I promise there is a lot more to each story. I just don't want to get into it all, even with her. She is def. seeing everything from a very selfish place, though, and nothing i can say will change how she sees things, because we have already talked about a few of the "incidents."

Anyway, I go from being furious to being so sad that this is happening. I am a super loyal person and I part of me hates to stop fighting for this, but at the same time, I'm pretty much worn out by her. I guess in the end it is better to know now, than after I asked her to be a BM, or after another 8 years of this "friendship."

Thanks for letting me vent!!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Mega ouch.

I’m exactly as you are. I’m loyal to my friends, even when I should/need to drop them. I’m reading that thinking if it were me, I would feel really sad too. The wound is fresh so take this for what it’s worth…you’ll get over it. It’ll take time, but you’ll get over it.

I had something similar happen to me. My ex-roommate and ex-best friend ran off with some guy. After years of being incognito (which included a trip to Mexico where he changed her name) she finally contacted me telling me she was scared and wanted to leave him. Her mom and I planned this whole escape thing for her and then one day she decides to go back with him. She sends me an email 7 months later telling me that she will no longer speak with me because he didn’t want her to and he was more important to her. I was beyond devastated. For the past 4 years she has done the same thing…email me to say it’s over and she’s moved on and wants to start a friendship again…then email me to say she’s back with him and can’t talk anymore. I finally cut her loose. I took a while to get over but it is what it is. I’ve taken what I’ve learned from that friendship and applied it to others and I only keep the good memories with me.

Anyway, you won’t feel so bad after a while. It’s ok to feel sad for a friendship lost but it is what it is.

 

[dragonfly411]

Lala
I had a very similar friend all through high-school and the first parts of college. She always wanted ME to be there for HER but she was never there for ME , and didn''t really take a great interest in the things happening in my life. Our friendship ended when she tried to support my ex in breaking me and my SO up. No thanks. She then tried to contact me (again, this is her want and convenience on this one) to ask me to be in her wedding and to say she "doesn''t understand why our friendship ended". Friends like those aren''t always what''s good for you, and it is sad to let them pass, but in the end you will find better friends.

 

[jcarlylew]

LaLa-
I''m really sorry that the letter you got back beared such unhappy news. But you are right, it is better to find this out now, than to find out later. hopefully your friend will turn around.