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mothers....a vent

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lala2332

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I emailed my mom a couple of days ago and told her all about hoe BF and I have been looking online and how we found a ring that we both really like. and what were her thoughts on it. and why i liked it

Its this one FYI: WF made it for RichardAlex i think. Its posted on a couple of the asscher threads

Anyway, it was a really long email and I got back a sentence today. Thats exciting....is this happening soon?

My FMIL has already called me to tell me how excited she is that I''m joing her family and that she is having the hardest time keeping quiet until it is all official. She emailed BF warning about high settings and how they can get knocked about. and she asked him if she could go ahead and start including me in the family emails. so sweet!!! It makes me feel so lucky to have her. I''ve vented anpther time about my mom not wanting to pay for anything and not getting excited. I guess I thought her seeing a tangible photo of what we are talking about might get her excited. NOPE. pLus, she always has an opinion, and now she chooses not to have one.

Has anyone else dealt with a mom like this? Mom''s out there: any reasoning behind her reaction/lack thereof.

Thanks...i know I"ve vented a couple of times before....my BF gets sick of hearing it and I still haven''t told any of my friends that we are looking, so that limits who I can talk to.

Thanks for "listening"~

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fieryred33143

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OK so this is just my perspective based on my relationship with my mom.

My bf recently told his parents (I wasn’t there…found out after). His mother and father started crying and laughing and talking about future grandchildren and the engagement party, etc. I told my mom and she said nothing. My mom and I were never really close but ever since my father passed away and I moved out (was 13 when he passed away and moved out at 17) our relationship has gotten much better. She’s my best friend so not having her get excited was really weird and made me nervous…does she not like him? Does she think I’m making a mistake?

I finally asked her why and what she told me was that its hard for her to think about an engagement for me and him without hearing it from him. He’s the one that’s supposed to ask me so hearing it from me is weird to her. She either wants to hear it from him directly or find out after he proposes since nothing is official yet. She then went on to say that she found it weird that I picked out a ring and how do I know he’s really going to give it to me. That’s just her mentality.

He recently called her and told her his intentions. She called me a few days later (doesn’t know that I know he spoke with her) and started talking to me about wedding planning and colors and the guest list. It feels real to her now. I know, I know its weird but some people think that way. Maybe your mom feels like since the news is coming from you, it isn’t “real”?
 

KCCutie

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Okay first of all that ring *DROOL!*
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Second. My mom is being the same way. She might as well have said "I''ll believe it when I see it." She''s given me sermons on how I shouldn''t live with SO before we are married and on how we should have a religious ceremony and how we should have marriage counseling but not once have I gotten "this is exciting" or "I''m so happy for you!" Seriously it wouldn''t hurt the woman to crack a smile and give me a big hug...would it?

I''m hoping that the day I show up with the ring on my finger I''ll get what I''ve been hoping for. With me it''s a little different b/c SO and I have decided to buy a house together before the wedding, however we both agree that getting engaged before we move in is the best way to go. So b/c looking for a house and actually buying one is such a big event I thought I''d share that with my parents so it wasn''t "Hey mom and dad....guess what E and I bought a house." I thought they might want to be involved and give advice and stuff...not so much. They can''t get their mids off the fact that we''re going to live together before the wedding long enough to be truly happy for us. Meanwhile SO''s parents are so happy for us and supportive and I feel kinda bad for talking to them more but who wants to talk to a "Debbie Downer" like my parents have been lately. It stinks!

I feel for you! Just hang in there!
 

Keepingthefaith21

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Sweetie, your mom may just be a little hesitant to be excited because as exciting of a time as this is for YOU and your SO, it''s a wee bit sad for a parent. It''s the time when you officially become a part of another family. I am sure she is just wondering if it is happening soon the same way any of us on this board might as you the same.

Perhaps she isn''t a huge fan of the ring you have picked out. Would you have rathered she tear apart the ring you have your heart set on? Does your mom know a lot about jewlery? Could it be possible she just doesn''t understand how difficult a good asscher is to find?

I''m engaged without a ring and let me tell you that announcement didn''t go over amazingly well with my mom. She''s adapted to it and is now in full planning mode. My father, however, still thinks I was joking when I told him so I guess I still have to do a bit of work on him
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Either way I will tell you what I tell myself and what I hear from all my friends: it only matters that you and your SO are happy. I know you want your mom to be jumping for joy right now but I am sure in time she will come around...and that could mean it will take seeing the ring on your finger for you to be engaged!

Good luck and don''t let this get you down - the ring you are looking at is magnificent and I am sure it will look perfect on you!
 

Haven

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Is it possible that your mom is just a short emailer? My mom sends one-word or one-sentence emails all the time that can seem nasty if you don''t know her, but it''s just her style.
I hope this is the case!
 

PrincessDijon

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My mom seems to be in "I told you so" mode from my first marriage failing...hell, she refused to attend the wedding, (we were too young and he seemed to have found greener pastures without telling me he wanted to break anything off...long story but for another day). Anyway, now that I brought up the idea of permanently being with my BF/FF she is trying to be supportive but she keeps "warning" me to think a bit more before I put a ring on my finger again.....grrrr....moms......BTW, my mom had been divorced a few times so I guess this is coming from a bitter standpoint...
 

lala2332

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Thanks so much for your responses!

Yeah, BF had a good point that fieryred mentioned and maybe since my BF hasn''t asked yet, she just isn''t excited. He plans on asking. I''m really picky about everything and knew nothing about diamonds when we started this discussion, so we decided to look at some. He hasn''t bought anything. That is just the style that we both like.

I don''t know...I need to learn to not let it bother me, or get me down. Thanks for the help ladies!!!!
 

JSM

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My mom wasn''t very excited either, but she was honest and said it was because it makes her feel old. My mom has issues with weight/age/appearance, and my engagement, I think, is forcing her to deal with the fact that she has a daughter old enough to get married and have children. My mom is a wonderful woman, but doesn''t deal with change very well!

Maybe your mom doesn''t want to believe that her baby is all grown up?
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lala2332

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THanks again for all the sweet replies. I think I was just so initially hurt by her lack of support, that I didn''t think through any of the reasons behind it. My mom is really my step-mom, so some of the issues like my growing up aren''t there. But I''m sure we will talk about it when I see her. If it doesn''t get better I can always just go to talk to FMIL, who excited enough for 10 moms....haha.

Thanks again for the support!
 

EmptyLeftHand

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Jul 23, 2008
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Beautiful pics, BTW!

I suppose families can just be so funny about things like relationships. It is all so subjective and everyone has their own agenda/ different way of communicating.
My BF''s mum is pretty quiet and sometimes things I say are just met with an enigmatic smile. I come from a family where opinions are free-flowing! However, BF''s mum has also gone out of her way to invite me to things, has given me some really thoughtful gifts and so reading between the lines, I assume she thinks I am ok.
Maybe in time your mum will start to do things rather than send you a decent length of email.
I certainly hope she does. It is rubbish when you have such exciting news and she isn''t really responding.
In the meantime, just keep thinking about that Asscher!

 

Mannequin

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I can relate. I sent my parents an email earlier this year letting them know that I was going to move in with my FF and I got a really snarky response back from my mom. She said later that she was worried about my dad's job and she was stressed, but I don't totally believe her. She's made some other interesting comments in regards to me and FF living together, and will say things to others that she won't say to my face. What drives me nuts is that she sends such mixed signals - acting like she doesn't want me to settle down with FF and then telling me she has a MOB dress already (I'm not kidding). I am trying to help her feel more comfortable with the idea of me and FF staying together forever by asking her for help gardening and decorating at our home. Keeping her included, as well as making time to go visit and stay there overnight sans FF sometimes, seems to be helping.

FF's mom is very different. She LOVES me and introduces me as his FF all the time. Admittedly, she's a little different - she arranged for us to sit for a reading with her numerologist friend when we first met last summer, just to make sure our numbers were compatible. LOL I think she's desperate for grandkids to spoil. When we visited a few weeks ago, she told us that 1)we didn't need a ring to be engaged, 2)we could have a small ceremony/reception now, and 3)after we have a few kids we can throw a bigger party.
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Umm, I don't think so...

I think having your FF talk to your mom was a good idea. I am sure she'll warm up to the idea of you being engaged and planning a wedding once the proposal happens.
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supergirl10

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Yeh i can relate somewhat.

As i have mentioned a thousand times before, my 19 y.o sister got engaged to her bf of 5 mths just as we were about to. I was really really upset because i knew that it was just about to happen to me and after 4.5 years together we were well and truly ready to be engaged.

I tried to talk to my mother about how i was feeling and she was bordering on heartless. She told me that i just had to get over it, i was upset over nothing etc. Which was just ridiculous, first of all younger sis is 19 .. 19. She has been with now fiancé for 5mths and this time last year she got out of a 2.5 year relationship with a woman.... excuse me if i am a little sceptical as to whether engagement is the real deal. I didn''t want her getting and married in a hurry as i don''t think they know each other well enough and i am concerned that they are both rushing things (for the wrong reasons.) A bit of my emotions were jealously too as i was dying to get engaged myself and i really didn''t want her engagement to stop bf and i continuing ahead with plans.

As it turned out we were given sis and parents blessing to continue as planned and we went ahead with meeting jewellers ect. Nearly 3 weeks after sis engagement mum told me on the phone that she thought bf was stalling and her and my father thought that he should have had the decency thing and asked me during a big event we had going with family and friends as everyone was there and would have made a fuss over me (which would kind of have made up for that fact that my sister got engaged first ... although my mum didn''t realise that''s what he was getting at.) I kind of knew that my dad felt super sorry for me.
1 week ago (6 weeks after sis engagement announcement) i was down visiting her when she was repeating a story where someone at work asked whether i was engaged yet and she told them "Yeah i don''t think that is EVER going to happen". My jaw just dropped but i said nothing. I cannot understand why she even needed to say this. But i politely reminded her that it was only JUST 6 weeks since sisters engagement and she maybe ought to remember that. And that i believed anytime after now would be appropriate but not before.

I was so excited when FI proposed and i couldnt wait to tell my parents. BUt i have to admit that it gave me IMMENSE pleasure to ring her 2 days later and tell her that SO had proposed last night, (kind of like a I TOLD U SO) as i kind of knew that it was gonna happen the next night after i visited her but held my tongue anyway. Her response "Oh". I was just dumbfounded. I never told FI that this is what she said, cause it would really hurt him but geez woman really!

I have to admit i acted childish when sister announced engagement but that was just because i was afraid that we would have to put ours off for a decent amount of time ie. 6-12 months. Once i got blessing from sister i was fine.

Sorry for my long rant but i just need to vent



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Amanda.Rx

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Mom''s can be funny sometimes- I guess I won''t know why until I am one. It''s tough, because you want your mother to be your biggest supporter.

I''ve had times when mom seemed less than interested... I''ve been ring shopping in stores and online and told her all about what I found and how we were wanting to pick out our own diamond and that we''re shopping a lot, and want it to be a good investment, and the perfect ring...

All she had to say was, "That sounds like a lot of effort- some couples only go ring shopping once, pick something out that day, and enjoy it because they had a good time that day together."

It made me a little angry... it''s like she was defending her way of picking out her ring 30 years ago.
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Mom''s are funny...

at least you have us!! We''re excited for you!
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Rhea

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The day my mother realised that we were serious she quit having an opinion about anything. Apparently she doesn''t want to intrude. Based on my parent''s in-law''s behaviour I''ve always worried that my DH''s and my parents would intrude. It was a huge fear of mine. Neither one bothers us about anything. No opinions, always asking if everything is alright when we visit. It''s weird. Recently I had a nice sit-down with my MIL and told her that I was afraid at first but now I want her to intrude, to have an opinion, to "bother" us.

Is your mom maybe the same? Does she need to be reminded that her opinion matters?
 

Italiahaircolor

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I think Mom''s in general just worry. And it sounds like yours is not an exception to that rule.

She probably read the e-mail from you, full of excited, anticipation and joy...and snapped into "Mom" mode...meaning, she doesn''t want you to get your hopes up to high, simply to have the rug pulled out from under you.

Now, I am not saying that she doesn''t believe your boyfriend will purpose, but a Mom is a Mom...and until it''s real, it isn''t.

You know, she''s probably your biggest fan. And when the time comes for you to plan a big fab wedding, she will be right there with you every step of the way, guiding and suggesting and assisting. But, until that time, you''re still her little girl who she wants to watch over and protect. When she asked "is this happening soon?" it was probably her way of figuring out how serious this marriage-talk between you and your boyfriend is. Because there is a huge difference between "we just ordered the ring, and we''ll be engaged by September" and "Well, within the next couple of years"...even though, in reality, both senario''s are examples of "talking about getting married".

My best advice to you is just to enjoy this time. Relax and love and be loved and be happy. Congratulation, by the way as well!
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 8/2/2008 11:35:41 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think Mom''s in general just worry. And it sounds like yours is not an exception to that rule.


She probably read the e-mail from you, full of excited, anticipation and joy...and snapped into ''Mom'' mode...meaning, she doesn''t want you to get your hopes up to high, simply to have the rug pulled out from under you.


Now, I am not saying that she doesn''t believe your boyfriend will purpose, but a Mom is a Mom...and until it''s real, it isn''t.
Mums are women too, and have had plenty of time to see - and perhaps experience - a broken heart, a hard time...she is perhaps a little more reserved about the intentions and abilities of men to live up to their promises, particularly when it is her little girl they (he) is working his charms on. (!)

It is natural, in youth, to be optimistic and believe the best in people. It is probably also natural to be a little more careful and reserved when you''re a mum!

I know he is your fiance, but he hasn''t spoken to her directly, which may also be hurting her feelings a little. Shouldn''t a parent be directly informed immediately, if a man wishes to engage a girl?
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Your FMIL has none of these reservations about her boy''s intentions, because women will always believe the very best about their own children...but of course, he has probably spoken directly to his own mum!
 
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