How to handle?

[Mayflower25]

Hello Ladies, I am here looking for some advice on how to best handle an unfortunate situation.

My dear FI (hereon referred to as F) has only one (biological) brother who is several years older than he is. During the last year, F moved from the East coast to be with me, where, coincidentally, his brother (referred to as B) lives as well. This seemed to be a fantastic opportunity for F and B to reconnect as well as build a relationship with his young niece. All seemed fine and F made a true effort to spend time with B. At one point, he visited B''s house every-other weekend (which is on the complete OTHER side of town from where we live). We often brought small gifts for their family and especially F''s niece and did favors for them, with very little in return. We even hosted a co-family Christmas complete with gifts and dinners at each of our family''s homes. It seemed that their relationship was on an upswing, so much that F asked B to be his best man at our wedding!

Now, over the last few months, communications from my B have died down, so much that we NEVER hear from him. It has always been common for F to be the one to reach out to B, as B & his wife rarely leave the home or venture out on the town (they are somewhat reclusive). However, as of late, he also hasn''t returned any of F''s calls, even regarding an urgent family matter. The fact that B never treated F very *warmly* despite F''s efforts, always made me sad (as I knew it must hurt F''s feelings). I have a large, tightly-knit (albeit dysfunctional!) family, and who has done their best to adopt F as one of our own. I could never understand B''s treatment of F as an aquaintance rather than as a blood-relative.

Since B decided to ignore F''s calls regarding the URGENT family issue, F is FUMING mad. F previously did his best to dismiss B''s shortcomings, but can no longer do so. Now he doesn''t even want to invite B (including wife and niece, whom I had hoped to be our flower girl) to the wedding. I can understand his frustruation, but I''m insisting that we must AT LEAST send an invite. Whether they decide to leave their cave is up to them

We also need to add another groomsman to the wedding party, so I suggested his step brother who is in college. F thinks this is a great idea. My question is... how will F''s mother feel having his other son replaced? She is not happy with B''s actions or his treatment of any of his family members, but I''d hate to be on the receiving end of her frustrations due to B being left out (whether he cares or not). I''ve had some rocky times with my FMIL, and we have a delicate balance (one that I''d like to call "keeping a safe distance") thats still in the process of healing.

I may be overthinking this matter, but I''d hate for us to assign B and his daughter roles in our wedding, only for them to disappoint us further. I''d also like to avoid upsetting F''s parents. Thoughts??

Thank you!

 

[choro72]

Personally, I will let F handle it and stand by whatever he decides to do. He knows his mother well enough to know what to expect. If my FI was treated the same way B treated F, he will react exactly the same way, and I won''t blame him. If his mother throws a fit, F probably knows how to handle it.
I understand your dilemma though. I also try to act as a referee a lot of times for FI because he tends to take things very personally and I worry that he will alienate everyone someday. I still have to learn to step back and let him handle things his way...

 

[fieryred33143]

I can certainly appreciate your desire to keep the communication with F’s mother on a good note so that there aren’t any future problems but my response to the whole issue of his brother being left out is this…who cares?

This is your wedding, not hers. I understand that mothers want a huge part in the planning and being the mother-in-law is never easy when planning a wedding because the mother of the bride normally gets a bigger say. But this is still your wedding. I have always felt that the bridal party should be people that are absolutely connected to your hearts (which is why my bridal party will be very small). If B hasn’t even made an effort to connect on an emotional level with F, then why would he have a role? And can you imagine the headache its going to be to make sure he knows all the wedding plans when he isn’t even returning an urgent family message?? He’s not going to pay much attention to the wedding either.

My FF has the same problem with his brother. They love and respect each other but the communication is almost non-existent. The only time he ever communicates with him is to remind him of parents’ birthdays, and mother’s/father’s day. So when the conversation of who would be the best man came up, I told him that he didn’t have to use his brother…he should go with someone who really is his best man.

I say go with the step brother. She will deal…and if not, then F can have the discussion with her as to why this is the way it is.

ETA: And as a side note...being that this is an issue of groomsmen, I would let your fiance handle the conversations with mom about the brother. Technically the groom gets to select the groomsmen and you can just pass off this decision as a decision F made...that way there is no bad blood with FMIL

 

[choro72]

ETA, here is an advice from a recently married friend.
No matter how hard you try, somebody''s feeling is going to get hurt. So do what you judge to be right, and hope for the best.

 

[purrfectpear]

Not that it''s any excuse, but I''m guessing that future BIL is having some problems. Maybe financial or marital, and is depressed and embarrassed? People tend to withdraw when something is going on in their lives that they would rather no one know about.

Of course he might just be a jerk

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree this is unfortunate and tough.

I agree with everyone else though, the best thing is probably to go with what feels the best. If FI stays 100% against it you will just have to accept that. Because you could invite him, but what if he doesn''t come? Then it''s even worse. My family had a similar situation kind of happen around my parents wedding and it is still very hurtful today. The bro randomly dropped out and so did his wife. They said they couldn''t "afford it" and even when my parents offered to pay they resisted. Ended up not coming or in the wedding at all. And like I said, it still hurts my parents. So my advice would be to reconcile if possible (I know it may not be) and if not, move on. It''s very painful, and it always will be, but if there''s nothing either of you can do then there''s no use in stalling on it. So finally, I think it would be best for FI to try one more time to have a sit down with his bro. If that doesn''t work, then move on and his Mom will either have to snap bro in line or understand.