Does your SO have friends of the opposite sex?

[EricaR]

A recent thread got me thinking about this, and since there are a few questions I was thinking about I thought a poll would end up too complicated.

1. Does your SO have freinds of the opposite sex?
2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?
3. What are your feelings on the subject?

In my case, my boyfriend has friends that are women. During the first few months of the relationship it really bothered me, but as soon as I felt secure in the relationship it stopped bothering me. I had to come to the realization that any issues with that are about me, not him.

Over the years we’ve talked about it a bunch and really, it doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t look at them as romantic possibilities, just sees them as friends like he does any of the guys. And to be honest I think that if I did have a problem with it and/or forbade it in any way I don’t think I’d still be in my relationship. I wouldn’t want him to have any say in who I can and who I cannot be friends with and that really does go both directions.

Anyone else?

 

[ladypirate]

Kris has a few female friends, but not a whole lot. My friend group, on the other hand, is almost entirely male (and includes a couple of my exes). Although the fact that I''m still friends with a couple of exes caused a little bit of tension when we first started dating, it never bothered him that I was friends with mostly guys. Actually, once he realized that I regarded my exes as just guy friends and nothing more, it helped a lot. Plus, I introduced him to all of them so that he could see that A. they were obviously just friends and B. I had no problem showing them or anyone else that he was my top choice.

As far as his female friends go, I think because I''ve always had so many friends of the opposite sex it never really phased me.

OK, that may be a bit convoluted. Interesting thread though!

 

[Octavia]

My FI''s closest friends are all male, but he has plenty of female friends, too. It doesn''t bother me, especially since most of them are now "our" friends as opposed to solely "his" friends. I have several guy friends, so I would be pretty hypocritical if I didn''t like that he has female friends. I think it does bother him, though, that I''m still good friends with one of my exes and even attended the guy''s wedding -- my FI always calls him "your ex-boyfriend who got married" even though he knows the guy''s name perfectly well.

Should be interesting when we do the guestlist for our wedding...especially since my ex''s wife does wedding photography and I was thinking of hiring her (she won''t know anyone there except her husband and I think she''d be flattered to be asked).

 

[zilaras]

Date: 1/22/2008 6:06:13 PM
Author:EricaR
A recent thread got me thinking about this, and since there are a few questions I was thinking about I thought a poll would end up too complicated.

1. Does your SO have freinds of the opposite sex?
2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?
3. What are your feelings on the subject?

In my case, my boyfriend has friends that are women. During the first few months of the relationship it really bothered me, but as soon as I felt secure in the relationship it stopped bothering me. I had to come to the realization that any issues with that are about me, not him.

Over the years we’ve talked about it a bunch and really, it doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t look at them as romantic possibilities, just sees them as friends like he does any of the guys. And to be honest I think that if I did have a problem with it and/or forbade it in any way I don’t think I’d still be in my relationship. I wouldn’t want him to have any say in who I can and who I cannot be friends with and that really does go both directions.

Anyone else?

1. My SO does have a couple friends of the opposite sex. His closest female friend he has known since he first started college. He actually technically lives with her and another roommate( however he has not stayed there in over 2 months.) I was/am surprisingly ok with it. I absolutely do not view her as a threat whatsoever. However, earlier in our relationship he was still friendly with his ex- and that did not go over well with me- made me feel very insecure...but i let me feelings known and they no longer are close. BUT beyond exes ( which are threatening) and shady gal pals ( the sort a SO wouldn''t talk about or be open about) I do not feel that having friends of the opposite sex is necessarily a bad thing in a relationship.

 

[bee*]

D doesn''t have a huge amount of close female friends. He hangs around with a group of 8 lads and they''ve been friends since they''ve been 5. In college, he became friends with a couple of girls and once I met them, I became firm friends with them now. They actually call me before they call him which annoys him no end

but they''re just really cool girls and have the exact same personality as I do. I have always had a lot of male friends so it never bothered me if he hung around with girls.

 

[This_Is_Amore]

We both have a number of friends of the opposite sex, and for the most part are fine with it. The one exception I have is one of my BF''s coworkers, who engages in completely inappropriate behavior on a regular basis. She has an alcohol problem, and is one of those women who becomes VERY touchy/feely when inebriated, and will fling herself at men. She''s married, and her husband says he thinks it''s "cute". My opinion- not so cute when she runs up to my BF, jumps on him, and starts kissing his cheek/neck! BF is clearly not interested- I have absolutely no worries about anything happening between them, but I still don''t love the fact that they have to travel together for work sometimes...

We''ve already had a talk about her attendance at our (at this point) hypothetical wedding- at another colleague''s wedding she jumped on him so forcefully he fell over, and they ended up rolling around on the dance floor trying to untangle... the poor bride was horrified, as it happened right in front of the table her grandparents were seated at!

NOT an auspicious start to the marriage!

 

[HollyS]

He did, before we were really BF/GF. One woman spent the better part of an evening (in the first year of our relationship) trying to sit between us, keep the conversation focused on her, and generally ignored me. He noticed; and has chosen not to see her (alone, without me) since that night.

We have mutual female friends, married and unmarried; but we see them together. He''s a hit with the women at work; but he doesn''t see them in a social context.

I think that if you really want to ''get real'', there is nothing appropriate about a committed/married man or woman having a deeply personal friend of the opposite sex where the relationship does not include the SO. Potential for trouble lurks there; I don''t care how innocent it seems.

 

[rubybeth]

Date: 1/22/2008 6:06:13 PM
Author:EricaR

1. Does your SO have friends of the opposite sex?

2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?

3. What are your feelings on the subject?

SO does have female friends, but not a ton, probably 10 or so that he actually cares to talk to. Mainly he keeps in contact via Facebook, playing Scrabulous or whatever with old high school and college/study abroad friends. Pretty innocuous, and if anyone wants to hang out, they always mean both of us, or in a group with others. Most of his female friends are interesting/fun, but no threat to me. I still feel kind of weird about the friendship he had/has with one of his exes, mainly because of an incident where she knew he had a GF (not me) and still wanted to hook up with him. This actually used to really freak me out, but since he kind of blew her off earlier this spring, she hasn''t kept in touch even via e-mail. I doubt that if they hung out in the future, that it would be without me or that she would mack on him when he''s engaged and she has her own long-term BF now, but who knows.

I trust him, I just don''t trust her, y''know? But otherwise, all his female friends are cool and I like hanging out with them, too.

 

[diamondfan]

When I was younger I tended to be more jealous. But I still do not see why someone needs a deep friendship with a member of the opposite sex that excludes one''s partner. Just not really a good thing in my opinion. I am not sure that I feel threatened immediately...honestly, a friendship that is very emotionally intimate and takes intimacy away from the partner is not healthy. Physical does not need to enter into it.

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO has female friends, but most of them are girlfriends of his male friends. He''s also really close with his female cousin, but obviously that is a non-issue. And he keeps in touch with some girls from high school, but it''s mostly minor stuff via Facebook anyway.

I don''t have an issue with friends of the opposite sex. In fact, I do think it''s a good thing when guys can see women as more than just romantic/sexual partners (my ex couldn''t, and he didn''t really have any platonic female friends). The ONLY time I have an issue is when I feel boundaries are being overstepped. I''m pretty laid-back, so it takes a lot to make me feel that way but if I were to... then we''d be having a talk. And by boundaries, I mean things related to basic respect for the relationship-- ie, texting a lot in the middle of the night (needy or suspicious), calling really late at night, calling him 24/7, being way too touchy feely. None of that''s been an issue with SO, though he does have a bit of a ''stalker'' who pops up every now and then (long story!).

Oh, and he has 2 female roommates, too. I wouldn''t call them friends so much as acquaintances. Both are very nice, but they''re not really his ''type'' in a romantic or friend sense.

 

[Pandora II]

FI has loads of female friends, he often goes for lunch with them and they come to him for advice about their love lives.

I know most of them pretty well and some of them very well. They are all so happy for him that he met me (I''m his first ''proper'' girlfriend) as they were all quite worried about him!

I don''t worry at all - he only has eyes for me.

He enjoys mildly flirting with girls at events and when he''s away for work - and then telling them he''s got this amazing fiancee. I find it quite amusing to be honest. He would never do it when I''m around - which I would find disrespectful and insulting.

I wasn''t like this with other boyfriends, but I trust him 150%. I think the fact that he is also teetotal also means I know that there will never be some drunken episode where he was just ''caught up in the moment''.

I have quite a number of male friends - and FI and I even stayed with one of my ex''s (who I lived with for 2 years) when we were over in Italy.

Neither of us need to be jealous - what we have is too good to ever play around with.

 

[KatM]

yes, he has a few female friends. it doesn''t bother me because he''s open about all of them and when he sees them. he doesn''t make it a big deal and it isn''t. the majority of them he''s been friends with since high school, including one ex (the ex is the only one i ever had a problem with, though im fine with her now).

i think it would really bother me if he were weird or secretive about it. i might not be happy if he tended to hang out with them on a one-on-one basis, but he generally doesn''t.

 

[musey]

1. Yep, lots! They're mostly mutual friends of ours, at this point.

2. Between 0-6 years, since the beginning of college and onwards (he doesn't keep in touch with many people from before college).

3. In the early stages of our relationship, I'd get irked by it sometimes. There was one girl, in particular, whom I hadn't met yet but mutual friends always told me "she reminds me SO much of you." I still remember how I felt when I saw him hug her for the first time

(Side note: she and I are now great friends

)

So I guess, the concept of female friends in general never bothered me, but there were certainly 1 or 2 that I felt threatened by. There were actually two separate girls who, within the first six months of our relationship, professed their love for him and wouldn't he PLEASE leave his girlfriend for them (needless to say, they are NOT now my great friends

haha). Now, he's a fantastic guy, and quite attractive, but I didn't think he was in THAT high of demand!!

 

[TravelingGal]

He''s got a couple back in Oz, but those friendships have dwindled now that he is here. I have no problem with him being friends with women who were pre-me. Obviously he didn''t want to marry them. But I do have an issue if he were to suddenly develop a new close woman friend now. I believe that intimacy sparks from the smallest things, and if you don''t want a fire, don''t collect kindling. Same rules apply to me with male friends. All you need is a big bump in your relationship to go confiding in your friend of the opposite sex. All of the sudden, your understanding and comforting friend just seems SO much cooler than your pain in the a$$ partner, and then...

I''m a cynic, I know.

 

[tberube]

FI and I have sort of a thing - he has one or two female friends that he was good friends with long before we met. And I have a couple male friends I''ve been friends with since before meeting him. They are platonic friends (never dated them) and it''s totally cool. I never think a thing about it - in fact, he thought about making his best female friend his "best woman" in our wedding. As far as "new" friends of the opposite sex (single people that aren''t "couple friends"), we both pretty much feel we have no need for them. Mostly all our friends are mutual anyway, since our relationship came out of a big group of buddies.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree TG. DH doesn''t have any female friends besides my friends that are his friends by proxy. I don''t think I''d have an issue if he already had them as friends. But, I definitely would have a huge red flag if he just started hanging out with a woman. Marriage is a fragile thing. Most people will deny that, but it truly is. All it takes is one huge fight, a "close friend" and it''s no turning back. Trust is one thing. But, putting yourself in a situation where that trust is intentionally put on the line is just irresponsible.

Most of my friends used to be male, but those friendships dwindled over the years. I used to not have a problem just hanging out with a guy friend. But, when DH and I married, I looked at it from a different perspective. I don''t need the temptation. I don''t need the rumors. And, honestly, there''s nothing that a male friend can provide that DH can''t. So, why would I take the chance?

 

[Haven]

My FI doesn''t have any close female friends, but he has one old friend that he''s known since high school and one he''s known for about five years, they occasionally send an email back and forth. I have a few male friends from high school and college, we email and phone every now and then, but they certainly aren''t my confidants or anything that close.

I have to agree with Holly when she says "I think that if you really want to ''get real'', there is nothing appropriate about a committed/married man or woman having a deeply personal friend of the opposite sex where the relationship does not include the SO. Potential for trouble lurks there; I don''t care how innocent it seems." I actually realized how true this is right after my ex and I broke up--at the time I had several male friends whom I considered "close"--several of them had been close friends of mine for over six years, many since grade school. Well, when I was suddenly single after five years these "friends" started to propose that we take our friendships to the next level, one by one, almost as if they had taken numbers and just waited on the sidelines for this moment to happen.

I know what you''re thinking--"MY friendships aren''t like that, MY guy friends see our relationship as purely platonic." Yeah. I thought the same thing. I NEVER flirted with these guys, I NEVER gave them any indication that I was interested in anything more than a friendship. I actually always saw myself as one of the guys, as I was a jock in high school and everything. I was shocked, hurt, and to be honest I felt really uncomfortable and a bit violated about the whole thing. I later told my FI about this and he wasn''t surprised at all, he thought I was crazy that I hadn''t seen it coming.

So, long story short: what Holly said!

 

[misscuppycake]

For the most part, he has only male friends. However, he does have a few female friends (2-3) that he''s known for almost 10 years now. I have no problem with it because they only ever act like friends, and everyone knows each other''s significant others and stuff so they''re all clear on where the boundaries are.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/22/2008 10:41:07 PM
Author: Haven
I have to agree with Holly when she says ''I think that if you really want to ''get real'', there is nothing appropriate about a committed/married man or woman having a deeply personal friend of the opposite sex where the relationship does not include the SO. Potential for trouble lurks there; I don''t care how innocent it seems.'' I actually realized how true this is right after my ex and I broke up--at the time I had several male friends whom I considered ''close''--several of them had been close friends of mine for over six years, many since grade school. Well, when I was suddenly single after five years these ''friends'' started to propose that we take our friendships to the next level, one by one, almost as if they had taken numbers and just waited on the sidelines for this moment to happen.

I know what you''re thinking--''MY friendships aren''t like that, MY guy friends see our relationship as purely platonic.'' Yeah. I thought the same thing. I NEVER flirted with these guys, I NEVER gave them any indication that I was interested in anything more than a friendship. I actually always saw myself as one of the guys, as I was a jock in high school and everything. I was shocked, hurt, and to be honest I felt really uncomfortable and a bit violated about the whole thing. I later told my FI about this and he wasn''t surprised at all, he thought I was crazy that I hadn''t seen it coming.

So, long story short: what Holly said!

Ditto to Haven and Holly. I also have had several good guy friends at different times in my life who I would hang out with in a completely nonsexual manner (I am not the "flirt with all members of the opposite sex" type at all). Call me oblivious, but I never had a clue they were into me AT ALL, and I have a very good radar for when people are interested in me or are flirting with me.

Well, lo and behold, I become single, and they suddenly become very interested. In fact, it completely ended one of my friendships, and I considered him to be my best friend at the time. That was terrible...I felt completely heartbroken because I lost my best friend, and I really never saw it coming.

After that last time, I learned my lesson, and since then I''ve only had one good guy friend but we''re definitely not as close as my previous guy friends, and I am 100% positive he''s not into me and I''m not into him. Maybe it has to do with being older? I''m 26 and he''s 30...plus it helps that we''re not as close, I''m sure. I definitely think it''s extremely rare that guys and girls are just friends and there''s no attraction from either side at all.

To answer the original question, my fiance does have a very close female friend...my twin sister!

They are basically best friends and act pretty much like siblings. They hang out all the time and fight and bicker just like my sister and I do. It''s pretty cute. I think some people think it''s weird that they hang out together, sometimes without me, but it doesn''t bother me at all. For some reason my twin sister has always gotten along really well with most of my boyfriends and has become close with several of them. I probably would not be down with my fiance having any other close female friend. I just know better by now!

 

[ringster]

i totally agree with TG and somethingshiny about the new woman friends thing and the emotional involvement being a big no no. i was the new woman friend once to this guy at work and boy did i learn a big lesson about not being too friendly with a taken guy. i was totally oblivious and if a guy has a girlfriend i totally write them off but i didn''t realize at the time that just because i''ve written them off, that doesn''t mean that THEY have written me off. i thought this couple had a great relationship and then turns out he is really unhappy and then tells me he''s fallen for me ... gaw and i had to work with him! i fell for him too but was always really clear that he needed to work out his stuff with is gf - i had been cheated on once and there was no way i was going to be the other woman and i knew his gf so no way i was going to do something that would hurt her. luckily he finally left the company but boy was that a really difficult situation.

my FI has woman friends at work but not anything that i worry about and i know all of them now and am friends with them. he is the only son and has several sisters so he''s pretty comfortable around woman. actually one of the reasons that i started to like him is because all of his woman friends were trying to set him up. i thought that was a good sign!

i have a few guy friends but they are ones i''ve had for a long time. i think we both are ok with each other having friends of the opposite sex. i think that as long as the lines of communication are open and you are having real interactions with your SO and sharing emotional stuff with each other then there is less chance for the emotional cheating. if one of you is having problems then as a couple you need to make sure that you''ve created a safe environment for either one of you to express yourself. and it is your responsibility to your relationship to bring your problems to your SO and not someone else.

 

[anchor31]

1. He has a couple.
2. Years. 5+ years before he met me.
3. I don''t care. Never did. They''re pretty much fading anyway, since one tried to break us up (my brother had broken up with her and she "confessed" to J she wanted to be with him) and the other never calls him back. I have absolutely no problem with opposite sex friendships, since I sometimes get along better with guys than girls. I never look at those guys in a romantic or sexual way, and FI says he doesn''t look at his female friends that way either.

 

[ksprincess]

FI used to have a lot more female friends than he does now and that is primarily his choice. I also used to hang out w/ a lot of guy friends as well. Although, we both knew these people for a long time we did mutually decide to stop/ greatly cut back on hanging out with friends of the opposite sex who the other didn't consider a friend of theirs as well for multiple reasons.

1. Before FI and I started dating a lot of these female friends relied on him for their emotional needs...talking, crying, etc... and we both knew that this kind of emotional dependence was not acceptable for them to be displaying towards him anymore.

2. The other girls were very flirty, and loved to give him hugs..."those kind of hugs" and I had a feeling that they were not to ginuine in their desires for friendship.

3. My guy friends depending on who they are are really good friends with FI as well so it hasn't been to much of a problem, but I have had to stop talking to my exes b/c they could never have a purely "friends" conversation and we agreed that it wasn't very respectful to our relationship.

There are other reasons as well, but those are more specific towards us.

To make a long story short. Yes we both used to have best friends of the opposite sex. Now we don't, but they are still friends.

ETA: I now see that my "other reasons" have been echoed by the ladies above!

 

[EricaR]

Thank you everyone for such thoughtful responses. I did a lot of thinking about this last night, specifically about what I would think if K ended up with a new female friend he became extremely close to. For some reason I seem to have a huge mental divide between friends he had "pre-me" and "with-me".

To use an example, K has a female friend that he has known for about 5 years. He met her through an online dating site but they had absolutely no chemistry and about 5 minutes into the first meeting they decided to become friends. When K and I started dating she was one of the first people I met. Honestly, I dislike her not because she is female but because she has (in my mind) no redeeming personality traits. But even though I dislike her I don''t care if he wants to go to dinner with her because she is such a non-issue for me.

I''m not sure why, but I don''t think it would be so OK with me if he suddenly became friends with a new woman and I wasn''t included. I know he has lunch with female co-workers and that doesn''t bother me. I think if I was included in the friendship it would be OK, like if he became good friends with one of my good friends. It is the dishonesty and sneaking around and/or hiding that I really dislike.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/22/2008 6:06:13 PM
Author:EricaR

A recent thread got me thinking about this, and since there are a few questions I was thinking about I thought a poll would end up too complicated.

1. Does your SO have freinds of the opposite sex?
2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?
3. What are your feelings on the subject?

1) Yes. Mine has been a musician since he was a teenager (he's 46 now) - has been in many bands and has many musician friends. And, being a good-looking guy, women naturally flock to his shows and to events where he and his friends jam, hang out, etc. When he was married, he was 100% faithful to his wife, and now, he's faithful to me. The majority of his female friends are the wives/girlfriends/daughters of his friends or women that are connected with clubs he's played at, women that work for the booking agency he uses, etc.

2) My boyfriend has many long-time friends. Let's put it this way: His best friend has been his best friend for 38 years! His core group of friends come from his childhood neighborhood and somehow stayed connected all this time.

3) I know most of his female friends personally and am not threatened. Also, it's in a man's nature "to look." Men are visual creatures, and if your man just glances at another woman, it's not something to even take note of. We all look! And, while his first wife was very insecure, I am not. If he even thought about cheating on me with some random woman or fan....he'd be the idiot and I would kick him to the curb in 2 seconds. And he knows this. I think it's funny if one of his friends gets flirty with him, because most of these women are married and I know their husbands...it's all done in fun. It's also hysterical to me when a woman at a show dances sleazy in front of the band, thinking she is going to get some backstage action from the singer. At one show, a woman outright asked him if he wanted to go home with her, and he pointed over towards me and told her, "If it's OK with the redhead over there, it's OK with me. How about you come home with us?" THAT got rid of her! At the end of the day, *I* am the one who gets to go home with him. As they say, "I don't care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at my table."

HOWEVER, I did have one incident last year where we were going through a tough time and he asked me for "some space." To me, at our ages, this smelled like a break-up in progress. There is nothing that you would need to work through that you can't do with me in your life - unless the problem was ME. So I leveled with him and told him that if he wanted to break up with me, don't belabor the point. He confessed that he was under a lot of stress (which he was - mom's cancer came back, close uncle just died, kids causing problems, work getting tough, etc) and just needed time to think. But I sensed something else. Call it female intuition or whatever. I asked him point-blank, "Is there someone else?" And then he broke down and said, "I got a call from my friend Brenda in North Carolina. Her husband is leaving her and she doesn't know what to do....and I can't stop thinking." Now, I know that he had known this Brenda since he was a teenager. They never dated because one or the other was with someone else. But, people always said that they "should" be together. And then she got married and moved away and he got married. Years went by. They talked on the phone here and there and he went to visit her in person about 5 years ago....but since then, they hadn't seen each other in person. He said, "Now that she's free again, I can't help but wonder what might have been." This woman was also well-aware that he was in a relationship, so I don't think that she was deliberately trying to "steal" him....more like what I have done -- call male friends for advice/sympathy.

(Deep breath)

So, I told him that it was natural and normal to wonder something like this. I asked him if he had any plans to see her or pursue this, and he said, "No. But I'm conflicted." So what I did was tell him, "Look. You have been dating me for a year now. This is someone from your past that you haven't even seen in person in years. If you were meant to be together, you would have done it years ago and not married other people. Now is too late. If you feel a need to explore this, then go and do it. But I will not be here when you get back and you will never speak to me or see me again."

It took him two days to "think." He came back and said something to the effect of, "I was an @ss and I hope you can forgive me. YOU are the one that has been here for me and with me. No other woman - even the one I married - ever treated me as well as you do and has loved me as much. And you are right. She is a ghost from my past. I want to be with YOU."

While he did not outright cheat, I asked him to delete her phone number from his cell phone. I also asked him not to call her ever again or, if she calls him, to make it short and if possible, speak in my presence. I told him that I didn't mean to come off like a b*tch, but this was an almost-cheating and I needed reassurance from him that his words were true and that he truly was in it with me. I would have expected similar from him if the shoe were on the other foot and I was mooning over a man from my past. Like HollyS posted, "You can't get real with me if you're going to have this deep 'thing' with this woman, no matter how innocent you think it is." And - no problems or doubts since then.


Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[mjso]

My SO doesn''t really have any close female friends. I, also, have very few close female friends (my bff since I was 5 and her sister). We are actually having issues with our bridal party because we don''t really know enough girls to even out the sides (I know they don''t *have* to be matched).

Almost all of my friends are male. I have always had more male friends and just tend to get along better with them. Often times I have nothing to talk about with girls (I''m not into fashion, I own 1 piece of jewlery (my e-ring), I don''t wear makeup, I hate shopping, etc. - I know these are all generalizations!).

Yes, I know plenty of my guy friends would jump at the chance to date me if FI and I ever broke up, but it doesn''t get in the way of my relationship. I guess because this is the way it was before and during our entire relationship we both had to be okay with the situation, or else we wouldn''t be together still.

I know it can''t work for everyone, but for us, it has been no problem. And of course now, most of our guy friends are shared friends between us. I still go out alone with many of them and there''s never been a problem.

 

[Aloros]

He has several close female friends. I know all of them, and he doesn't hide his interactions with them. So, really, I have nothing to complain about. They're more sister-brother than anything else. A couple are post-me, but they're co-workers whom I also know, they're all in serious relationships, and I know he's not interested in them in THAT way. Not really close friends either, just hang-out-with-us buddies.

I tend to get along better with men than with women, so I have a lot of close guy friends. There is nothing there but platonic feelings. If I get the sense that a guy is attracted to me, or wants more than friendship, I drop 'em. It makes me very uncomfortable. But we've hung out sans fiance at times. If we're catching up, there's little point in FI being around - he'd just get bored, and vice versa. I guess we're a little more lax than some couples.

I trust him to monitor his actions as I do mine. We both know it is important not to place yourself in a position of temptation.

It helps that, even when we fight, we remind one another that we love each other very, very much - and that the argument was just a passing phase. We tend to hash things out with one another rather than turn to friends.

ETA: Most of my guy friends were around through my last breakup, and none jumped at the chance to date me. They only offered me sympathy and future dating advice. Platonic, platonic, platonic!

 

[Pandora II]

On the 'looking' thing Sandia, I have some friends who go nuts if they think their SO is looking at another girl in an admiring manner.

My comment to them has always been - Isn't it nice to know that you are the result of a discriminating choice?

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/22/2008 6:06:13 PM


1. Does your SO have freinds of the opposite sex?

Yes, many of his friends/acquaintances are female.

2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?

He''s known most of them for 12+ years (he met them in college).

3. What are your feelings on the subject?

It doesn''t bother me in the slightest, but I might feel strange about him making a new female friend. DH''s oldest and closest, besides me, friend and her family are like family to him and I am glad they are part of his life. The friend and I are not close, we have next to nothing in common, and I''m okay with that. They talk a few times a week and go to lunch on occasion, and I have little involvement in their friendship, other than attending parties and holiday gatherings and hearing news about her from DH.

In general I''d say that friendships with the opposite sex are not a bad thing as long as the relationship is respected by all involved.

 

[FrekeChild]

1. Does your SO have friends of the opposite sex?
Yes. Three of his four closest friends are girls.

2. If so, how long as he/she been friends with them?
2 of them-4/5 years, 1 of them-about one year.

3. What are your feelings on the subject?
I trust him 100%. All of these friends are girls he''s met at school, and are fellow grad students. They also know about me and have become my friends. One of the 4/5 year friends lives in Hawaii now that she''s graduated and he actually went out there to visit her for a week when we first started dating. That was at the very beginning of our relationship and I told him that if he ever did anything with any other girl I would turn around and walk out, no questions asked. He''s given me absolutely no reason for me to not trust him, and they''ve never given me reason to not trust them. And it helps that everyone knows that I read people like books. His female students are an entirely different story though, they come on to him all the time, and then he comes home and laughs at them while telling me about it. The Hawaiian friend is his closest and happens to be the one he confides in when he''s talking about our engagement. Heh.

I used to have 2 very close guy friends that really brought out the jealousy of an ex of mine-for no good reason- we were like the three musketeers and entirely platonic. I was the woman they asked for advice on dating or would utilize me as being a fake GF if they were approached by an unwanted female, and I would do the same to them- including a very unhappy ex of mine. One I remain friends with, and while we only became super close about 4 years ago, we''ve known each other for going on 11 years. He is also currently dating my best girl friend. Which is a trying situation in itself, but that''s another thread.

 

[diamondfan]

This topic is interesting to me due to something that came up a couple of days ago...I do not want to thread jack here but it is sort of a related topic to this thread...not sure it warrants it own thread but I did have some mental wrestling about it.