Did you let her choose her ring?

[threepwood]

I havent read the rest of the posts.. but my husband proposed with a ring that I was wearing.. He told me after he proposed that he tot I would love choosing the ering myself and I did.. I tot that was really smart of him because in a way, he did surprise me and I still got what I wanted..

 

[vespergirl]

My husband really wanted to get me a round brilliant, and I really wanted an asscher. Now a year and a half later I''m not thrilled with the asscher and want to swap it for a round brilliant. Does this mean that he''s always going to be right about everything?

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 10/12/2007 10:54:59 PM
Author: vespergirl
My husband really wanted to get me a round brilliant, and I really wanted an asscher. Now a year and a half later I'm not thrilled with the asscher and want to swap it for a round brilliant. Does this mean that he's always going to be right about everything?

hum, some certain un-named sexes can be so slow......it took you a whole year and a half?



of course it does.

 

[nsaids_nurse420]

dh let me pick out my own rings. he had the desire to look, but was overwhelmed with all of it. he just wanted me to be satisfied with the results, and i am, of course, i picked it out.

 

[carotene]

I am in the "make it a surprise" camp. I am having a custom ring made as we speak. I do know her taste and she has not been disappointed with any of the previous bling i''ve given to her. With a purchase this large though, I wanted to be relatively certain it''s what she wants.
My only hint from her: "make it colorful". I wasn''t sure what to make of this. Colorful? Colorful how? She had mentioned a year or so ago that she didn''t even care if the center stone was a diamond. I''m gonna call her bluff on this one though but did opt for ruby side stones (her birthstone) to keep it, well, colorful

I''ll let you know in a few weeks if i''m still in the "surprise" camp.

 

[happylarry]

Ahh, my partner has been constant in her opinion that the ring should be chosen by me and be a surprise. I know exactly what she wants, round brilliant in 8 prong setting traditional and platinum. In shops when looking she is of opinion that any of the traditional ones are ok.

Now after four years of having this drummed in to me I chose the diamond, and had the ring made just was waiting on a good time to ask.

However now she has informed me that some silly man at work chose the ring himself and had all the women chastising him for being so stupid (what a silly man!) as its the woman that should choose it and now she wants to choose it herself so I don''t get slagged off for doing something apparently un-traditional. Well now there is now a £6000 ring that she will think is perfect sitting in a cupboard here I no longer want to give her

 

[musey]

Date: 10/27/2007 7:50:38 AM
Author: happylarry

Well now there is now a £6000 ring that she will think is perfect sitting in a cupboard here I no longer want to give her

And this is yet another reason why you guys shouldn''t wait so long to propose after getting the ring! It leaves time for doubt over your choice to creep in...

 

[happylarry]

Having doubt over choice of the girl not the ring, its perfect and I know she would say so too, seen a really nasty superficial side with the change of a long held stance based on the opinion of others.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/27/2007 10:40:43 AM
Author: happylarry
seen a really nasty superficial side with the change of a long held stance based on the opinion of others.

You know ... people DO change their opinions over time. Even "long held" ones. And it usually happens when exposed to NEW ideas, or when society shifts it's views. She may have always wished to choose her ring (or be less "traditional") but not been brave enough to speak out without society's permission. Such a desire is not necessarily "superficial". But I will say that bridal realted things tend to bring out the ID in most gals. It's HUMAN and UNIVERSAL. But if you keep looking I'm sure you can find an unchanging, ungrowing morally superior mouse who'll seize whatever ring you hide in your cupboard for a few years. Hopefully you'll give your own HUMAN GIRL a *break*, along with the ring you chose for her. And support her when she's less than "ideal" in your eyes.

 

[happylarry]

Wow, a heated response

This was not an opinion changed over time but changed during a single discussion to fit in with others, this is not her decision but that of others. Taken time trying to do the right thing by her wishes only to find long standing views can be pushed aside to fit in, what else might change? The vegetarian I''ve known and loved for four years decides burgers smell nice and stuff(pun) the animals she has campaigned for during that time?

I''ve had this hammered in to me over the years that there is no other way she does not want anything to do with the picking of the ring. I wasn''t overly keen on but for her wishes I''ve gone and done what she has always wanted and had it shoved back in my face before I have even given it to her.

So she gets this ring or doesn''t get one at all for year+ till I get more money together. Either was I have a lump of lead sitting there and that''s how its going to be seen. Feel everything has been spoilt by a stone and a bit of metal. Women!

 

[musey]

Personally, I wouldn''t want to marry someone who felt that way about me. If you don''t have the utmost respect for her, then why would you marry her? Seems like you''ve already made up your mind on this OT.

 

[galleygal]

My FF let me choose the settings I liked. I had it down to 3, then 2 and he picked the one that he said looked best on me. I understand what you say about the "ruining the suprise," but really the "suprise" of him asking you is done already. You both know that he''s going to ask you, so what''s the harm in you picking out something that you like. I was also torn between letting him choose a setting or not because I wanted to see what he would have picked. He''s glad he didn''t either because we''re both happy with the final setting. He says he might have not picked the ones that I liked. I think it''s a good idea to give him ideas or pick out a couple that you like and he can make the final decision and still make it a suprise.

 

[happylarry]

Yes Musey going OT fast on this but please see it as I do, spent months(and associated months pays!) doing what she wanted thinking it was going to be perfect and had the rug puled from under me by a change of opinion made on a whim.

Forum posts don''t convey feelings well and probably have come across as a "nasty bad man"(tm) but I am so -thoroughly- gutted and guessing its this that''s coming across here, deflated to point that if I cant do this right then nothing I ever do will be right. She would love the ring and im 100% positive it would be what she would pick in a window of rings which makes removing diamond and letting her choose another the same seem ridiculous.

Half thinking of getting jeweller to put it in window and hope to god she picks the one I had made.

So from my experience find out what they want and do it within 24 hours!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/27/2007 4:30:00 PM
Author: happylarry
I am so -thoroughly- gutted and guessing its this that''s coming across here, deflated to point that if I cant do this right then nothing I ever do will be right. Half thinking of getting jeweller to put it in window and hope to god she picks the one I had made.

That''s some pretty black & white thinking, my friend. I''m sorry that you''re upset. Life is full of imperfection & complications. It''s best to realize that now & not make unreasonable expectations for yourself *or* her *or* your relationship.

Why not TALK to her about it? "What if I already had the ring? Would you want the one I selected or would you still want to choose?" You''re allowed to have feelings too, yanno! And this is a "problem" that takes BOTH of you to work through & figure out how to make everyone happy. Not how YOU can do the "perfect" thing & get all the "perfect" credit. Not how SHE can make you jump through hoops at a whim. But how you BOTH can negotiate your engagement. Not very romantic huh? GUESS WHAT -- neither is marriage! You''ll be negotiating FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. No matter WHO you marry. Honestly. And moments of true surprise & true "getting things perfect" are rare exceptions -- not a standard to hold yourself to. Just my 2cents.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/27/2007 2:49:59 PM
Author: musey
Personally, I wouldn''t want to marry someone who felt that way about me. If you don''t have the utmost respect for her, then why would you marry her? Seems like you''ve already made up your mind on this OT.

Oh, my, god, yes! Seriously. I...I have no words. Cept, thank GOD my baby isn''t like this at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/27/2007 5:22:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
Not very romantic huh? GUESS WHAT -- neither is marriage! You''ll be negotiating FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. No matter WHO you marry. Honestly. And moments of true surprise & true ''getting things perfect'' are rare exceptions -- not a standard to hold yourself to. Just my 2cents.

Amen! This needs to be repeated a zillion times.

 

[Pandora II]

This is one of the reasons that I prefer proposals followed by the ring. The man gets to do the big "ta-dah surprise!" bit and then the girl gets to choose the ring she would like to wear forever.

Watching my brother struggle over what to get his gf - who wants surprise proposal with ring and no input at all. In the end, she is getting what I would want if I was buying myself a diamond ring. Since she has stated that she hated my e-ring I went for something very different (mine was too fussy apparently). Now she''s telling him that she likes pave.

. He''s tortured that he''s made the wrong choice.

I''m guessing you are in the UK, larry, in which case you will find a higher proportion of women who want to choose their own ring than you would in the USA. It''s more traditional here. But, if she had always made it clear that she wanted a surprise, I understand your disappointment.

It also strikes me that you are coming here to vent your feelings rather than showing them to her. I think you need to have a chat with her about her real feelings.

Also, look at it this way - no doubt you have picked a gorgeous ring. When you propose, tell her that if it''s not her perfect choice you''ll upgrade the setting for the 5th anniversary. Chance are though that she will be so happy you proposed she will be more than thrilled with what you chose.

Even us, picky people on PS are swayed by those words from the man we love!

 

[tickintime]

Date: 10/28/2007 10:42:48 AM
Author: Pandora II
This is one of the reasons that I prefer proposals followed by the ring. The man gets to do the big ''ta-dah surprise!'' bit and then the girl gets to choose the ring she would like to wear forever.

What about a proposal with a loose diamond? If you are 100% certain of the stone type, cut, yadda yadda she likes... But then again how would that work, carrying around a loose stone?! I love the idea of a complete surprise, I love the idea of including her in the decision. Hmm...great topic!

 

[sandia_rose]

I mentioned my story in another post, but if you don''t get to that post....my former husband forced me to pick out my own ring. Told me in so many words that if I didn''t pick out my own ring, that I wouldn''t get a proposal. For me, that completely ruined the surprise of being proposed to. My tastes are pretty clear-cut and obvious, and besides, I''m also flexible - anything he chose would have been fine with me. The way he chose to propose was equally hurtful, but I won''t get into it here. As I said, he is my former husband and not my current one for many reasons.....

I dunno. I''m a traditionalist in this sense. I''d prefer for my BF to propose to me and completely surprise me out of the blue. If he had no idea what to get me, he could do like my little brother did with his girlfriend - ask her mom, her sisters, her friends and the girls she works with for suggestions/advice. If he didn''t want to do that, then he could pay attention to the things I call attention to - rings other women wear that I admire, things I see in magazines, etc. Or take a look at what I wear everyday. I tend to prefer jewelery with clean, simple lines - nothing large or flashy. I also like delicate vintage/antique styles. I never wear gold, because I am allergic to copper and nickel. So just from that information, a man could infer that I would like a traditional solitaire or something from an antique shop or antique-inspired, not too large of a stone or stones, in a white metal only.

My BF of two years and I have discussed marriage here and there. I am almost 40 and he is almost 50. We had seen something on TV about a woman choosing a ring for herself, and he said, "That''s ridiculous." And I said, "Oh?" And he said, "Yeah. A marriage proposal is a man''s perogative. It''s part of the fun for a man to pick out a ring and then figure out how to present it. Proposals mean something to men, too. You have to let a man be a man, y''know?" So I said, "And what did you and your ex (he is also divorced) do?" He said, "Well, here''s where part of how I feel comes in. She hounded me for a proposal and when I finally proposed, she wasn''t happy with the ring. She was insulted that I didn''t ask her to pick it out." He has great taste in jewelery and is very observant/thoughtful, by the way, and probably put months of thought into it. He did tell me that they were married 19 years and she demanded "upgrades" at least 3x in that time period. Every now and then, she''d insinuate that her current set was not good enough. Not to judge, but I wouldn''t ask for that, either. It''s callous and thoughtless. If my husband wanted to get me an anniversary band or a wrap to go with my Ering, that''d be fine, as it would be to ask for one of those as a gift. But the ring you were proposed with is a symbol of who you are and your relationship at the time. I worked with a woman in a Fortune 500 company who was making well over 100K a year...and she still wore her 1/4 carat ring from when she got married 25 years prior. Someone once asked her if she ever considered upgrading and she said, "Peter gave this to me when we were juniors in college, and I love it because it reminds me of how far we''ve come in our lives together. His roomate told me years later that he sold his stereo system to buy it for me, and that was his prized possession. He wanted to marry me so badly that he was willing to do that for me! I wouldn''t trade this ring for anything." And I feel the same way.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 10/1/2007 8:06:11 PM
Author: musey
Just wanted to add that it''s starting to look like this ring/engagement process is awfully representative of the type of relationship, generally.

The women on here who strongly advocate giving the girlfriend a chance to participate in choosing her own ring, are also the women who make no secret of how down-to-earth and equal their relationship is. i.e. ''We decided to get engaged''.

The men who can''t understand why a woman ''should'' have a say are the ones who also advocate the more traditional ''I wear the pants'' relationship model. i.e. ''I decided to propose to her''... where he may not have actually known what answer he''d get [] (Not that that necessarily applies to Kev here, since he''s only posted 9 times and I wouldn''t presume to know anything about him with that post count.)


All I can say is, I''m glad to be in that first group

Well said musey.

Gosh darn it, I had a really pithy response for WFSR about 3 paragraphs long and then hit the wrong dang key and lost it for good. Poo. It was good, too. I''d have heard several AMENS from the ladies here; and now my sense of satisfaction is deflated. Double poo.

Well, I''m not going to rewrite it; it was too much off the top of the head, righteous indignation, head-bobbing and finger-snapping to capture again in quite the same spirit. You should be glad, WFSR, that you were spared my opinion. But, I do want to point out one thing that stood out in BIG FAT CAPITAL LETTERS from another post of yours prior to your proposal. You said, and if I''m not exactly qoting, I''m darn close, "if she wasn''t in Japan, she would have gotten a 1ct". Now doesn''t that just say romance with a capital R. What a lucky girl.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/20/2007 5:48:58 PM
Author: sandia_rose
I mentioned my story in another post, but if you don''t get to that post....my former husband forced me to pick out my own ring. Told me in so many words that if I didn''t pick out my own ring, that I wouldn''t get a proposal. For me, that completely ruined the surprise of being proposed to. My tastes are pretty clear-cut and obvious, and besides, I''m also flexible - anything he chose would have been fine with me. The way he chose to propose was equally hurtful, but I won''t get into it here. As I said, he is my former husband and not my current one for many reasons.....


I dunno. I''m a traditionalist in this sense. I''d prefer for my BF to propose to me and completely surprise me out of the blue. If he had no idea what to get me, he could do like my little brother did with his girlfriend - ask her mom, her sisters, her friends and the girls she works with for suggestions/advice. If he didn''t want to do that, then he could pay attention to the things I call attention to - rings other women wear that I admire, things I see in magazines, etc. Or take a look at what I wear everyday. I tend to prefer jewelery with clean, simple lines - nothing large or flashy. I also like delicate vintage/antique styles. I never wear gold, because I am allergic to copper and nickel. So just from that information, a man could infer that I would like a traditional solitaire or something from an antique shop or antique-inspired, not too large of a stone or stones, in a white metal only.


My BF of two years and I have discussed marriage here and there. I am almost 40 and he is almost 50. We had seen something on TV about a woman choosing a ring for herself, and he said, ''That''s ridiculous.'' And I said, ''Oh?'' And he said, ''Yeah. A marriage proposal is a man''s perogative. It''s part of the fun for a man to pick out a ring and then figure out how to present it. Proposals mean something to men, too. You have to let a man be a man, y''know?'' So I said, ''And what did you and your ex (he is also divorced) do?'' He said, ''Well, here''s where part of how I feel comes in. She hounded me for a proposal and when I finally proposed, she wasn''t happy with the ring. She was insulted that I didn''t ask her to pick it out.'' He has great taste in jewelery and is very observant/thoughtful, by the way, and probably put months of thought into it. He did tell me that they were married 19 years and she demanded ''upgrades'' at least 3x in that time period. Every now and then, she''d insinuate that her current set was not good enough. Not to judge, but I wouldn''t ask for that, either. It''s callous and thoughtless. If my husband wanted to get me an anniversary band or a wrap to go with my Ering, that''d be fine, as it would be to ask for one of those as a gift. But the ring you were proposed with is a symbol of who you are and your relationship at the time. I worked with a woman in a Fortune 500 company who was making well over 100K a year...and she still wore her 1/4 carat ring from when she got married 25 years prior. Someone once asked her if she ever considered upgrading and she said, ''Peter gave this to me when we were juniors in college, and I love it because it reminds me of how far we''ve come in our lives together. His roomate told me years later that he sold his stereo system to buy it for me, and that was his prized possession. He wanted to marry me so badly that he was willing to do that for me! I wouldn''t trade this ring for anything.'' And I feel the same way.


Bridget in Connecticut.

That made me go awwwww kinda like how I feel

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/20/2007 7:05:40 PM
Author: HollyS

Gosh darn it, I had a really pithy response for WFSR about 3 paragraphs long and then hit the wrong dang key and lost it for good. Poo. It was good, too. I''d have heard several AMENS from the ladies here; and now my sense of satisfaction is deflated. Double poo.

Haha, based on this description alone, I''m sorry you weren''t able to post.

 

[gwendolyn]

Maybe I''m overly touchy today (and every other day), but I really don''t like the word "let" in the thread question...

 

[sheena]

I would suggest that you should know on what type of ring that fit her personality and it is romantic if you gave it a surprise. You can also ask the jewelry shop on the suggested ring that usually want by the woman. I think diamonds or pearl ring would be a great choice.

 

[Ian0219]

I just though I would throw in my two cents.

Let me start off with my relationship and the decision I made. In over 4 years Alicia and I have learned a great deal about each other. We have talked about marriage but never about getting engaged necessarily. We are committed whole-heartedly to one another. Despite the fact that my proposal will be a surprise, my commitment and feelings will not be a surprise to her. I know Alicia and she knows me.

Now on to the ring decision. I know she wants white gold or platinum and I also know she wants a square stone. These are things I have learned and figured out in the course of our relationship. She has commented on likes and dislikes in ring styles. So in a way, she in fact has been picking her ring since we started dating and I have been listening. I am confident that I chose a stone that she would certainly have picked herself. However, there is some doubt. She has pointed out both solitaires and sidestone settings that she likes. I considered a temporary setting but instead I chose a solitaire setting that fits her style and personality. There is always the option to change settings when we look at wedding bands.

I did not decide to pick the ring myself as an ego boost. I did it because I think Alicia would love to be proposed to with a beautiful ring and a stunning diamond. I made the decision with her in mind. That is the important part. I think you have to take into consideration what your significant other would prefer. I think either option could be equally as romantic and surprising with an appropriate amount of effort.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/26/2007 12:24:31 PM
Author: Ian0219
I just though I would throw in my two cents.

Let me start off with my relationship and the decision I made. In over 4 years Alicia and I have learned a great deal about each other. We have talked about marriage but never about getting engaged necessarily. We are committed whole-heartedly to one another. Despite the fact that my proposal will be a surprise, my commitment and feelings will not be a surprise to her. I know Alicia and she knows me.

Now on to the ring decision. I know she wants white gold or platinum and I also know she wants a square stone. These are things I have learned and figured out in the course of our relationship. She has commented on likes and dislikes in ring styles. So in a way, she in fact has been picking her ring since we started dating and I have been listening. I am confident that I chose a stone that she would certainly have picked herself. However, there is some doubt. She has pointed out both solitaires and sidestone settings that she likes. I considered a temporary setting but instead I chose a solitaire setting that fits her style and personality. There is always the option to change settings when we look at wedding bands.

I did not decide to pick the ring myself as an ego boost. I did it because I think Alicia would love to be proposed to with a beautiful ring and a stunning diamond. I made the decision with her in mind. That is the important part. I think you have to take into consideration what your significant other would prefer. I think either option could be equally as romantic and surprising with an appropriate amount of effort.

EXACTLY!

 

[So Cal Guy]

Date: 11/26/2007 12:24:31 PM
Author: Ian0219
I just though I would throw in my two cents.

Let me start off with my relationship and the decision I made. In over 4 years Alicia and I have learned a great deal about each other. We have talked about marriage but never about getting engaged necessarily. We are committed whole-heartedly to one another. Despite the fact that my proposal will be a surprise, my commitment and feelings will not be a surprise to her. I know Alicia and she knows me.

Now on to the ring decision. I know she wants white gold or platinum and I also know she wants a square stone. These are things I have learned and figured out in the course of our relationship. She has commented on likes and dislikes in ring styles. So in a way, she in fact has been picking her ring since we started dating and I have been listening. I am confident that I chose a stone that she would certainly have picked herself. However, there is some doubt. She has pointed out both solitaires and sidestone settings that she likes. I considered a temporary setting but instead I chose a solitaire setting that fits her style and personality. There is always the option to change settings when we look at wedding bands.

I did not decide to pick the ring myself as an ego boost. I did it because I think Alicia would love to be proposed to with a beautiful ring and a stunning diamond. I made the decision with her in mind. That is the important part. I think you have to take into consideration what your significant other would prefer. I think either option could be equally as romantic and surprising with an appropriate amount of effort.

I completely agree with you Ian. With all due respect, I don't think the decision to have the woman choose the setting or the man choose the setting is a reflection at all on the relationship. I actually found it a bit offensive to characterize a relationship where the woman chooses the setting to be "down to earth" while a relationship where a man chooses the setting to be a chauvinistic "wear the pants relationship." I don't think it's fair to place judgments on either. There shouldn't be a "right" and "wrong," but rather what works best for any particular relationship.

My girlfriend and I are both attorneys so you can believe our relationship is anything but chauvinistic or unequal. Yet, I'm choosing the setting for my girlfriend. Indeed, I'm going even further and getting it custom made, taking into account what she has told me she likes: a six prong ring that is simple and elegant. As any guy taking this approach should do, I spoke with her friends and family to get their input. Unfortunately, I knew far more about her preferences than they did. Without a doubt, my primary concern in designing the setting was what would my girlfriend love. It had NOTHING to do with me "wearing the pants." I have spent months researching diamonds and likewise have looked at hundreds of settings. Now, I recognize that there is a risk in choosing the setting, marriage will be like that. In the unlikely event my girlfriend absolutely despises my choice of setting, I would hope she would also appreciate my effort and see it for what it is: a symbol of my love for her and my desire to express that love to her. At a minimum, I know she would love that I spent so much time and effort trying to create that symbol of love. And it is the love that is priceless, not the diamond.

I truly believe that there is something very romantic with being genuinely surprised by BOTH the proposal itself and the ring. I know that my girlfriend would love being surprised with both, and in doing both, it has all been focused on what she would want. I mean, would you want to tell your boyfriend how you want to be proposed to? You will be sharing your proposal story for the rest of your life. You can change settings, but you can't change your proposal story! Like buying a ring, when a guy is thinking about how to propose, he better think about what his girl will find special and not what he would like. The jumbotron would not work for someone who would have preferred a private moment alone. In the end, I don't think we should place judgments on whether one aproach is better than the other. I think both approaches can be very romantic and meaningful.

 

[couturequeen17]

If it were me, I''d write down on a piece of paper the 4c range I''d want in to be in and any other specifications(if he won''t let you pick out the actual loose diamond). Then I''d leave print outs of my favorite settings from the actual website or a bridal magazine. It''s a win-win situation. You get a ring you want, and he gets to choose and surprise you.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/29/2007 3:00:19 PM
Author: So Cal Guy

With all due respect, I don't think the decision to have the woman choose the setting or the man choose the setting is a reflection at all on the relationship. I actually found it a bit offensive to characterize a relationship where the woman chooses the setting to be 'down to earth' while a relationship where a man chooses the setting to be a chauvinistic 'wear the pants relationship.' I don't think it's fair to place judgments on either. There shouldn't be a 'right' and 'wrong,' but rather what works best for any particular relationship.

I think that all that anyone was suggesting is that insisting that it should be the man's (and ONLY the man's) project is what is chauvinistic. There were a lot of comments crossing between this and the other thread of the same topic by the same author in LIW. Many posters (mostly men) were suggesting that it was "emasculating" or "too controlling" for the woman to ask for the chance to give her own input into the selection of her ring.

Posts (at least mine) saying that the choices made in this vein are indicative of the relationship overall are not referring to a joint decision to do the proposal this way, with consideration to both parties involved. We're saying that a man's insistence that a woman's desire to take part in her ring selection is wrong or controlling of a woman, or that it indicates she is high maintenance... this is what is quite indicative of their relationship style.

 

[captainobvious]

Date: 11/29/2007 3:00:19 PM
Author: So Cal Guy

Date: 11/26/2007 12:24:31 PM
Author: Ian0219
I just though I would throw in my two cents.

Let me start off with my relationship and the decision I made. In over 4 years Alicia and I have learned a great deal about each other. We have talked about marriage but never about getting engaged necessarily. We are committed whole-heartedly to one another. Despite the fact that my proposal will be a surprise, my commitment and feelings will not be a surprise to her. I know Alicia and she knows me.

Now on to the ring decision. I know she wants white gold or platinum and I also know she wants a square stone. These are things I have learned and figured out in the course of our relationship. She has commented on likes and dislikes in ring styles. So in a way, she in fact has been picking her ring since we started dating and I have been listening. I am confident that I chose a stone that she would certainly have picked herself. However, there is some doubt. She has pointed out both solitaires and sidestone settings that she likes. I considered a temporary setting but instead I chose a solitaire setting that fits her style and personality. There is always the option to change settings when we look at wedding bands.

I did not decide to pick the ring myself as an ego boost. I did it because I think Alicia would love to be proposed to with a beautiful ring and a stunning diamond. I made the decision with her in mind. That is the important part. I think you have to take into consideration what your significant other would prefer. I think either option could be equally as romantic and surprising with an appropriate amount of effort.

I completely agree with you Ian. With all due respect, I don''t think the decision to have the woman choose the setting or the man choose the setting is a reflection at all on the relationship. I actually found it a bit offensive to characterize a relationship where the woman chooses the setting to be ''down to earth'' while a relationship where a man chooses the setting to be a chauvinistic ''wear the pants relationship.'' I don''t think it''s fair to place judgments on either. There shouldn''t be a ''right'' and ''wrong,'' but rather what works best for any particular relationship.

My girlfriend and I are both attorneys so you can believe our relationship is anything but chauvinistic or unequal. Yet, I''m choosing the setting for my girlfriend. Indeed, I''m going even further and getting it custom made, taking into account what she has told me she likes: a six prong ring that is simple and elegant. As any guy taking this approach should do, I spoke with her friends and family to get their input. Unfortunately, I knew far more about her preferences than they did. Without a doubt, my primary concern in designing the setting was what would my girlfriend love. It had NOTHING to do with me ''wearing the pants.'' I have spent months researching diamonds and likewise have looked at hundreds of settings. Now, I recognize that there is a risk in choosing the setting, marriage will be like that. In the unlikely event my girlfriend absolutely despises my choice of setting, I would hope she would also appreciate my effort and see it for what it is: a symbol of my love for her and my desire to express that love to her. At a minimum, I know she would love that I spent so much time and effort trying to create that symbol of love. And it is the love that is priceless, not the diamond.

I truly believe that there is something very romantic with being genuinely surprised by BOTH the proposal itself and the ring. I know that my girlfriend would love being surprised with both, and in doing both, it has all been focused on what she would want. I mean, would you want to tell your boyfriend how you want to be proposed to? You will be sharing your proposal story for the rest of your life. You can change settings, but you can''t change your proposal story! Like buying a ring, when a guy is thinking about how to propose, he better think about what his girl will find special and not what he would like. The jumbotron would not work for someone who would have preferred a private moment alone. In the end, I don''t think we should place judgments on whether one aproach is better than the other. I think both approaches can be very romantic and meaningful.

Excellent post.

If you feel your potential fiance wants to be involved in the process, than include her. If you want to keep it a surprise, than do your homework, do your research and do the best you can. Chances are, if you''re proposing than you already know her well enough to know that she''ll love your ring and the meaning behind it.

Theres just something that appeals to me about surprising her with a symbol of your love and commitment that makes it magical. Her knowing that you put the time and effort and thought into it to really show her she''s special, I believe, is more important than the ring itself. (and the fact that I''m sure this kind of ring proposal is what would touch her the most)

I feel like selecting a ring together seems like it would be a clinical and less-romantic experience. Not that it wouldnt be special, but it wouldn''t feel the same. And with an open mind, I completely understand that in some peoples cases the opposite may be true. Thats the beauty of it, that we all have different types of relationships and personalities so what may be perfect for me and my girlfriend may not be as special for the next couple. I think a man who really knows his potential fiance, and is in tune with her preferences and desires will have a pretty good idea of how to handle it.

I also thought the idea of a temporary ring would be a good idea as well. But ladies, be honest here- if your man proposed to you with a promise ring and then said he''d like you to pick out the ring you really wanted, don''t tell me that that promise ring wont always be the one that touches your heart when you go back to the jewelry box years later to look at it. Its all about the memories and the meaning behind it, not the ring itself. (The story from sandia_rose above was awesome!)