pretty upset

[akw94]

Nytemist, I''m sorry you''re having a hard time right now. I don''t have much advice these days but I think you''re taking the right steps. I absolutely agree that communication is the key. I hope you both can find a way to effectively communicate with each other and compromise so that you both can be happy.
Good luck and take care!

 

[VRBeauty]

Nytemist: I hope your anniversary was good -- and that it was one of moving forward toward better communication between you and your hubby.

 

[nytemist]

It was ok, not the celebration I was hoping for. Dinner was frustratingly quiet, at least to me. There was so much talking that should have been done but didn''t happen. During dinner he got a call from his parents saying congrats and his mom asked was he happy to be celebrating his first of many years. He says ''I hope they get better''. He couldn''t stay long at the hotel the next morning since he had to go back home for the the cat''s meds, so not talking happened yesterday morning. Last night was fun, my friend took me to the Cheesecake Factory for dinrks and dessert.

Lately it''s been just small talk. I don''t know what is safe for me to say anymore without him feeling like he''s getting attacked or critized or whatever. It''s impossible for me to go along like nothing happened and all is well like he can.

 

[decodelighted]

Ny, I hope you''re not this mopey in "real life". In the couple of years we''ve both been on here let''s just say your enthusiasm & joy has been kept to a minimum. Life is always one big long unmanageable problem and somehow you''re getting the shaft. You know what? If it''s ALWAYS like that -- the problem isn''t the situations. It might just be your perception & coping skills (or lack thereof). People have recommended therapy in the past. DIT-FREAKIN-0. I''m sorry if this sounds harsh but you really really really need something to cut through that seemingly inpenetrable whining denial blame-shield.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 11/2/2007 10:20:47 AM
Author: decodelighted
Ny, I hope you''re not this mopey in ''real life''. In the couple of years we''ve both been on here let''s just say your enthusiasm & joy has been kept to a minimum. Life is always one big long unmanageable problem and somehow you''re getting the shaft. You know what? If it''s ALWAYS like that -- the problem isn''t the situations. It might just be your perception & coping skills (or lack thereof). People have recommended therapy in the past. DIT-FREAKIN-0. I''m sorry if this sounds harsh but you really really really need something to cut through that seemingly inpenetrable whining denial blame-shield.

It could also be a persistent problem on DH''s part... depression comes to mind. Really, it does sound like it''s time for counselling, preferably for you both. At this point it seems like taking steps to do something about the situation is more important than trying to figure out the cause (on your own, at least). As the saying goes, your best thinking got you here... it''s time to call in the experts, or at least neutral parties who are in a better position to help than we are.

You know our thoughts are with you....

 

[nytemist]

No actually I''m not always mopey as you say. But having a constant communication issue with a husband would make anyone upset.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 11/2/2007 11:04:01 AM
Author: nytemist
No actually I''m not always mopey as you say. But having a constant communication issue with a husband would make anyone upset.

It doesn''t sound like he is listening to you and putting you last. I wish I could do something for you. Have you tried counseling?
When hubby and I were first married we were completely out of synch w/each other as far as communication. The first 6 mo''s I wanted a divorce and we agreed if we couldn''t work it out in 1 year then we would divorce. It worked out and now we hardly ever argue and understand each others communication styles, but it took some time and I bet couseling would help you two out a lot. Big hug!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/2/2007 11:04:01 AM
Author: nytemist
having a constant communication issue with a husband would make anyone upset.

Ny, you PICKED him. You married him DESPITE your constant communication issues with him. We all KNOW THAT. And while a whole host of issues might make "anyone upset" it''s what one does AFTER one is UPSET that makes all the difference.

Until you understand why you''re doing what YOU''re doing, not him, YOU -- you''re going to keep creating problems to wallow in.

You do realize these last few years you''ve gotten engaged, moved in with you man, gotten married & had a whole first year as a newlywed. Arguably a "happy" time of life. Read your posts. SERIOUSLY. Read them. Do you sound the LEAST BIT HAPPY??? Ever? Even once??

I don''t want to pick on you. I want to help you. Wake up call time.

 

[onedrop]

Nytemist: Believe me when I say that I don''t want to pile on, but I just had to comment again. Based on the window you have provided regarding you and your husband''s personalities and background it looks like you both are stuck in the mud of a relationship that is not moving forward. You are trying to move forward but can''t because your husband is not willing to do so. Since you are stuck in this position, it does not seem like you are going to be happy together until you BOTH make a decision to do better. I second, third and fourth the suggestions for counseling. However I have noticed that you have not commented on the counseling option much in this thread. Do you think your husband would be willing to try this approach? Does he even think or realize that there is a problem here?

Many times issues are present in relationships that we cannot solve ourselves. This is why there are trained professionals out there to help us. At this point I don''t see anything changing until you both take steps to change things. Hopefully your husband will step up and put some effort into creating some change and opening up communication in your relationship. If he doesn''t I guess that speaks volumes as well.

 

[nytemist]

Yes, I''ve already decided that beginning next month I''m going to talkt o someone on my own first. Afterwards I will ask him to go. I posted to ask advice since most people here are very supportive. I''m not this person that demands perfection, I want my husband to actually give me the respect I should have. Didn''t realize I was asking too much. Yes I picked him but no one seems to hear me when I say that things he said about what we wanted to do in our future he now doesn''t seem to want after getting married. Doesn''t sound fair, but I guess that''s just me. I thank people for the helpful advice and I''ll see what happens with a therapist. I''ll let it drop.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/2/2007 12:28:32 PM
Author: nytemist
Yes, I've already decided that beginning next month I'm going to talkt o someone on my own first. Afterwards I will ask him to go. I posted to ask advice since most people here are very supportive. I'm not this person that demands perfection, I want my husband to actually give me the respect I should have. Didn't realize I was asking too much. Yes I picked him but no one seems to hear me when I say that things he said about what we wanted to do in our future he now doesn't seem to want after getting married. Doesn't sound fair, but I guess that's just me. I thank people for the helpful advice and I'll see what happens with a therapist. I'll let it drop.

'Most' people are supportive? So does that mean that 'supportive' only means agreeing with your take on things? You asked for advice, and you're getting that.....well-meaning, *frank* advice intended to help you.

Honestly, NYT, most people on PS are totally well-intentioned and wanting to help. That doesn't mean agreeing with how you see it, it means they're going to be honest and say what they see. Most of us don't waste energy posting for the sake of it; if we didn't give a damn or earnestly want to help, we just wouldn't bother.

I can understand where Deco's coming from....you have a way of wearing the victim badge when people don't agree with you. "Didn't really think I was asking too much". "No one seems to hear me when I say he claimed to want things I did until we married". "I guess that's just me". All of this sounds like "big sigh, nobody understands me."

For the record, I absolutely did hear you.....he said he wanted this and now he's saying he doesn't. I get it that you're disappointed, and I would be too, but on the other hand, I don't see how you could possibly have expected anything else? He's been waffling this way since your inception on PS. The only time he seems motivated to action is when he thinks he's in imminent danger of you walking......only when he's backed into a corner.

He promised engagement by year's end, and then didn't deliver. He promised to make room for you in the house.....didn't deliver. Months ago, I commented that his behavior to date didn't bode well for working together on shared future goals/dreams, and so did several others. If so many here saw the red flags, surely you must have, too. You decided to proceed with plan, and you chose to bind your life to his....knowing who he is, knowing this is his behavior. And now, you're upset because he's being who he's always been.

No, it's not fair that he's changed his tune. It's also not fair that you seem to expect him to behave any other way than he has all along. This is who you married; this is how he's behaved for at least the 2.5 years you've been on PS, and you knew what you were getting into. It's not as though this behavior came on out of the blue post-marriage with no hint prior. You weren't duped; it more sounds like you were in denial that he wouldn't change post-wedding.

I truly believe that you can expect more of the same going forward unless you are *both* willing to work on improving it through counseling.

I'm sorry if the advice you're getting isn't what you wanted to hear or feels unsympathetic; that's not the intent (at least not from me). But most of it is very sage advice.

 

[Mara]

nyt...i have to agree with the other gals re: your seemingly low level of happiness in this relationship. maybe you only post when the chips are down, rather than posting about being happy in the relationship, but it seems like you guys have some serious issues much of the time.

when i read your post i thought....hmmm in my opinion you should be putting more focus on the problems in your marriage and get that working a little better than it is before you even think about moving to anywhere else to try to make THAT work. you still have issues with his lack of communication...you have issues with his cleanliness, the fact he still hasn't really made room for you,...probably other things i can't remembrer now. you guys have some stuff to get fixed! before you think about uprooting and moving anywhere else, ESPECIALLY if he is not totally on board with it right now. maybe he doesn't want to move partially because he feels like that won't make things better, but only worse. maybe inside he is unsure what is going to happen and doesn't want to make any big decisions yet.

seriously, you writing that when his mom congratulated him on the first year and he said 'oh i hope the next ones get better' or whatever...WOW. that sounds really quite dire. and you were there when he said that? i'd be upset! that's a serious red flag. you guys have some work to do big time. i am way more worried about the state of your relationship and the future of your marriage than where you guys might move or live in the next few years. i think therapy for you both is a great idea...and hopefully they can help you learn how to better communicate with each other. good luck.

 

[surfgirl]

I too, cant continue to post on this thread until you seek counseling NY. You say you''re going to start next month? Why the hell not NOW? This is your life and your happiness you''re talking about. Stop posting on internet forums and go to a counselor NOW. And while you''re at it, talk to your husband NOW about going to a counselor too. You can go to the same counselor separately as well as together (you have to ask counselors if they''re willing to do that arrangement but some are and it''s a great way to work on you as a couple as well as you the individual).

You mentioned starting counseling yourself THEN bringing him LATER ON. BAD IDEA! I''ll tell you why...Once YOU start counseling, you are developing a relationship with the counselor that is more about YOU - it''s one sided as they only know your version of things. Bringing your husband into THAT counseling relationship can be very unproductive and he could feel that you''re ganging up on him because you''ve been talking for a period of time with that counselor about what''s wrong with your husband and s/he''s only gotten your side of the story. In fact, our counselor advised against this sort of arrangement - best to start TOGETHER, then you can go individually for a time to work on your own issues, as well as your couples issues. If you''re both this unhappy it makes no sense to go for counseling first, without him. He doesn''t seem happy either so I''ll bet he''d be willing to go too.

Good luck!

 

[lyra]

Nyte, seek counselling for yourself first and foremost. It''s a step. You have things you need to work out and maybe there is an issue with depression, that could be helped with therapy and or medical treatment. You''re worth it, and you''ll develop insights and coping skills you can use for the rest of your life. Good luck!

 

[onedrop]

Nytemist I am really happy to know that you decided to see a counselor. I am very confident that seeing someone will help to clarify a lot of the issues you have been having lately. And hopefully both you AND your husband will decide to starting counseling together as well.

To your point about not being supported, I feel that people here have given you support. I believe it was Aldj that made this point, but usually folks comment on threads like this one is because they actually do want to help. At least I can say that is the case for me. And from what I have read in this thread and others like it where people are asking for advice, I think there is a lot of care and concern in the words written here. Maybe you were wanting someone to co-sign about your feeling that your husband did a 180 on you, but obviously folks here saw things a different way. My reason for coming back to this thread yet again was just to assure you that there is support here. By not agreeing with your assessment of the situation I don''t think we were trying to turn on you or not support you, quite the contrary. I think the comments made here were written to allow you to see things from a more objective standpoint.

Personally, I am eagerly awaiting the goods news that you two have learned some better communication skills and are actually moving forward in your relationship! Again, good luck with everything!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/2/2007 11:18:32 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/2/2007 11:04:01 AM
Author: nytemist
having a constant communication issue with a husband would make anyone upset.

Ny, you PICKED him. You married him DESPITE your constant communication issues with him. We all KNOW THAT. And while a whole host of issues might make ''anyone upset'' it''s what one does AFTER one is UPSET that makes all the difference.

Until you understand why you''re doing what YOU''re doing, not him, YOU -- you''re going to keep creating problems to wallow in.

You do realize these last few years you''ve gotten engaged, moved in with you man, gotten married & had a whole first year as a newlywed. Arguably a ''happy'' time of life. Read your posts. SERIOUSLY. Read them. Do you sound the LEAST BIT HAPPY??? Ever? Even once??

I don''t want to pick on you. I want to help you. Wake up call time.

I do agree with Deco and the others, and as my previous post mentioned, it''s all here on PS from your past posts. I don''t think too many of us are surprised to hear this. Your man doesn''t sound like he''s done a bait and switch on you. This sounds like the SAME guy you''ve always had. Please seek counseling...I think even taking your posts from PS might help shed insight on your past with him (which was written without hindsight and is very telling). You don''t even have to read in between the lines...the issues you two have are pretty obvious.

Sorry about your anniversary, and I do hope you can move forward and find out a way to make you both happy.