Advice needed! Am I being a bad FI?

[ang3199]

Hello ladies: Here''s a little bit of background. A week ago my FI upgraded my center stone in my ring and I''m not totally in love with having a larger stone on my current setting (4mm band which I don''t think does the stone justice) so I was going to get a 3 mm channel set band with diamonds farther down the side to make the diamond pop more.

Well, the jeweler showed me the band I would be getting and I fell in love. I feel as though it shows off my .7 princess better than my current band. Well, my FI is not too happy at all. He made the comment that the setting he picked out wasn''t good enough and I''m going to get a ''cheaper'' band (He is associating thinner with cheaper so there is no sense in arguing logically with him on that, he''s stubborn). I mentioned that if I got the new setting I would get his birthstone (emerald) set into the original setting. He retorted with "You''ll never wear it!" I do really think his feelings are hurt, but I want a gorgeous ring that will show off my stone. (wow, that sounded really bitchy and I''m really not a bitch, I promise).

So here''s my question. Should I just suck it up and be happy with what I have (which is a gorgeous ring, I just think it could be even more gorgeous) or should I go against his wishes, possibly hurting his ego, and get the thinner channel set band?

Should I make myself 100% happy and hurt his feelings or just leave it as it is. ARGH!

I''m so torn that it is making me sick. Please help.

 

[strmrdr]

do you even have to ask?
poor guy :{ I feel sorry for him and my advice is knock it off before he takes off.

 

[musey]

Aw ang, what a tough situation. But yes, you already know what to do.

In my own relationship, I find it's generally best to grant a decision to whomever it's most important to. In this situation, it's obviously VERY important to your FI that you keep your original setting, and like you said, you can be happy with that.

Let him "win" this one... tell him you decided he's "right" about the setting. He's earned it with giving you a stone upgrade so soon. Believe me, you'll both be happier for it

 

[asscherisme]

You answered your own question. You asked should you go against what he wants and hurt his feelings? My opinion is no way. That totally takes away the whole gesture of an engagement ring.

I''m all for getting what you want IF your partner agrees. But if he is against it and it would hurt him? its a no brainer to me on what to do.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m in the minority, but here''s what I think: if he upgraded your center stone, I don''t understand why he would then mind if you get a new setting, too. Especially since you said you would put an emerald (his birthstone) in the original setting. I think he''s being a little too sensitive.

I don''t think it''s wrong for you to want your new diamond to have a setting that works with it better than the old setting. And you are definitely not being even slightly bitchy...you''re clearly concerned about his feelings and seem willing to not change the setting if it would really upset him. You can always wait a little while to bring it up again and see what his reaction is...sometimes they just have to get used to the idea!

 

[isaku5]

Boy, I could argue both ways on this one

.

First a (rhetorical) question: Whose idea was it to upgrade the diamond. I''m "guessing" it was yours. Kudos to your DF if that was the case. Personally, I would leave the setting as is for now, but, if it really bothers you and he becomes less sensitive (don''t count on it, though) with time, change it then.

As Deco has pointed out correctly on many occasions: marriage is all about compromise, so don''t get off to bad start because it''s not "your" perfect ring. If he''s the perfect guy for you, that''s the important thing.

 

[ang3199]

Thanks for all the honest replies. I guess I may be being a bit too nit picky. Thus is me, I suppose.

Musey and Asscherisme: I read my post over again and realized that yes, I did answer my own question. Thanks guys.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''d give it a few more days. He apparently thinks people looking at the wider ring will think he spent more money or something. Because he is wrong in his thinking, I''d try to help him understand that thinner does not mean less expensive looking. If anything, the thinner band will make the new stone look larger. My feeling is that YOU are the one who needs to be 100% happy with the ring. If it was his grandmother''s heirloom ring, I''d say you are stuck. But that is not the case here. He should put your happiness first since you are the one who has to wear the ring.

 

[gailrmv]

I''d just wear it as is for a while and not mention the setting for a while. If you are still wanting the thinner setting in the future, ask if you can change it when your anniv or b-day approaches. If he is still really opposed I would drop it after that, but you may find in time he changes his mind (or you do and don''t want to change the setting anymore!)

 

[cara]

This is why the standard engagement ring purchase order is a load of whooey, unless you are one of those romantics prepared to wear whatever your guy might have divined is the most attractive ring even if you find it butt-ugly.

There is so much emotional symbolism built into the engagement ring, and different people have vastly different ideas of what the ring means to them.

Some find it a symbol of love, and thus whatever the man picks should be treasured and worn in spite of the woman's aesthetic preferences in another situation.

Some think it is a wealth-oriented symbol proving of "worth" (of the woman) and provider-ability (of the man) so what matters is the expense and appearance of expense rather than the man's ability to predict his woman's taste.

And there are those that think it is more a social-status symbol of "being engaged", and thus may go shopping together and even fund it together, just so they can get a ring on her finger and have a symbol that demonstrate their intention to marry.

Clearly your FI has a bit of the first sentimentalist in him. I don't think you are a greedy ungrateful b%*)@! for wanting the ring you want, but it might indicate that you and your FI have different ideas about the engagement ring. Talk and compromise is the way out here.

Best of luck to you.

 

[winternight]

LOL, how do people upgrade when they aren''t married yet?

Anyways, show him a picture of the classic Tiffany setting if you want to show that thin doesn''t equal ''cheaper'' looking. Maybe he''s just mad at upgrading the stone? I don''t know. I think its valid for you to get the ring you want though to show off the diamond.

 

[kellyfish]

Marriage Lesson #1 Learn to compromise. There will be at least 1 million times in your future where you will not get 100% of what you want.
It is all about finding a middle ground where both parties can be satisfied. This is not about a ring setting--it is a personal test.

 

[rainydaze]

yes, this is a tough one that has a lot of implications, no matter what you decide to do. of course, your FI''s feelings are most important and only you can weigh how far to take it before it is too much. on the other hand, though far less important than a person''s feelings, i can understand how difficult it would be to pass on the ring you LOVE knowing it''s out there.

if you think you could be successful with this approach (i.e. open his mind to the setting you love WITHOUT further offending/hurting him) this might be an idea: help him understand the setting he chose for the original diamond was perfect for it, and you loved it. now that he''s surprised you with a new wonderful diamond, he might consider that the original setting, which was selected for the original diamond, is not the the best fit for the new diamond. give him some time to sit with this thought, and if it appears to sit well you could then broach the idea that a thinner band emphasizes the diamond''s size and competes less.

and if in your heart of hearts you know nothing will take the edge off for him, let it be.


p.s. if i remember correctly, he surprised you with the diamond upgrade - so he is already predisposed to jewelry surprises of his own accord. he may well surprise you with the setting upgrade sometime down the road, if you leave it alone. he knows you love it, and if left to comtemplate it on his own (he may appreciate that you didn''t push him for it and sometimes the respect that instills has an interesting effect) he may well decide he wants to do something nice for you yet again. what better to do than surprise you with the setting you mentioned once upon a time?! and that way you BOTH get something out of it, because for him it would then have the sentiment that he values so much of HIM choosing to give you something special, and you wind up with not just the setting you love, but his blessing and love to go with it!