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inter-faith....and parents

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rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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Has anyone else had this happen?

So, I''m pretty much areligious. (if you ask me on a grumpy day I say atheist, generally say secular humanist).


FI''s family is pretty Jewish, say Conservative leaning towards mild Orthodox. Now they''ve been great with me, haven''t pressured me, haven''t suggested anything. Except I''ve noticed that they seem to handle the problem by just pretending that I''m Jewish. If I mention anything that makes the distinction obvious, they just change the subject or stop the converstation. It''s kind of odd...I should mention that I make an effort to fit in and read/speak Hebrew from school, so blending in isn''t so hard.

Example 1:
FFIL: I told my parents you have a tattoo [I asked him to let them know before the wedding]. They don''t mind, but they wondered about you being able to be in a Jewish cemetary because of the rule against defiling your body.
Me: Well, FFIL, I would think a bigger issue with me being buried in a Jewish cemetary would be that I''m not Jewish, so...
Him: Changes subject.

Example 2:
Me: Well, I''ll mention Chabad to him as a free place for high holidays, but I have to say we''re not so down with a temple which we know opposes our relationship and marriage.
Him: I have to go to bed now, ttyl.


Hm. I mean, it''s certainly better than them being mean about it. I''m just wondering if this is a common coping mechanism? They send me invites to all the holidays, etc, etc...which is great, and I love the Jewish holidays, but do I need to sit FFIL down and say "OK what is really the bottom line?" or should I just let sleeping dogs lie, which is my first instinct...


**THis is NOT intended as a discussion of Judaism, btw. Just of in-laws and the power of denial re: religion.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
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Let sleeping dogs lie. If it makes him happy to pretend you''re Jewish, then so long as it doesn''t affect you, let him imagine what he wants.

Are you half? Or do you say ''I''m not Jewish'' because you''re atheist? (I ask because I have a lot of Jewish friends who are atheists but still consider themselves Jews, and one who doesn''t). Or are you a lapsed Catholic and not remotely Jewish?

Just wondering how fantastic his fantasy is...
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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Nope, not Jewish at all. I was raised (wait for it) half Scientologist and half Tibetan Bhuddist.
 

Independent Gal

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Wow. Were your parents born Jewish even? I mean, are you, er, ethnically Jewish? Or you''ve never had a thing to do with Judaism until you met FI?

If the latter, that''s a little hilarious. The extent of the fantasy I mean. And after you''ve pointed it out a few times already? Oy vey!

Definitely let him continue since a) it makes him happy at no cost to you and b) it''s mildly funny that he persists like that. Hope that doesn''t sound b*tchy. But.
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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Nope. Nothing Jewish. Noooo-thing. Not a thing. (miming Mer when high in Grey's).


My family is Catholic Italian on one side and Scottish Presby on the other....


Aside from going to a school with a high Jewish population, and reading Biblical Hebrew quite well from my Middle Eastern studies program, no...nuthin.


ETA: You and FI have the same opinion. He seems to delight in the fact that it messes with his dad's family's heads....quite sadistic actually :razz:
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
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Hilarious. Hope that''s not rude. But it is kinda funny how people decide what they ''need'' to be true, and that''s just what''s true as far as they''re concerned.

Maybe we all do this? Makes me wonder what I''ve ''made'' true...
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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No, IG, not rude..it is pretty funny honestly.


We''ve told his mother, because she asked politely, that we intend on raising the children Jewish, but his father just doesn''t ask. he did say he was "moved to tears" by us having a Jewish wedding...maybe he thinks that means I am converting, who knows.


I''ve told FI that if I feel called to it after 10 or 15 years of doing it culturally with him and the children, I''ll convert. But I''d have to believe in God first, and I''m not going to lie to the rabbi....
 

brazen_irish_hussy

Ideal_Rock
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I am not jewish and do not come from a Jewish family. I did however, date a number of Jewish guys and this is my advice. Leave it alone. If you two have kids they will almost certianly say something since a child is Jewish through the mother''s side. I was often told it was ok that I was not Jewish until we had kids. I essentially was given a stay of exicution. As it happened I did not end up with a Jewish guy so I cannot swear if it had gotten to the kids point that it would definitely been the case, but that was the experience of most of the people I know in your situation.
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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I think at least Reform are considering changing it so that if either parent is Jewish the child can be considered Jewish. Hopefully they''ll get around to it before I have any, it would make life smoother.
 
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