What would you do?

[Julian]

I''m glad you can vent here safely. Good for you -- getting it out here is better than taking it out on your man!

Breathe.

Sounds like he goofed trying to make you happy. I mean, he did get you a ring! And he hasn''t proposed yet! He might be planning something super romantic at this moment.

It also sounds like he only mentioned that your sister had a 2c because he wanted to tell you your diamond was of better quality. Maybe he was nervous because 1c was what he could afford and he didn''t want to compromise on cut. You might be super glad when you see hers -- it might be dull while yours is fiery.

I remember when my DH asked what kind of ring I wanted, I said... SUPER SPARKLY! So that''s what I got. I think a lot of men go for quality over pure size like yours did.

Maybe your sister asked for SOMETHING BIG, never mind the cut. Ya know? Maybe she has both, but 1c is nothing to sneeze at.

I understand why you''d feel badly about your sister getting the romantic proposal -- especially since you''ve been together longer.

HUGS. I''m sure he''ll make it up to you. Sounds like he''s just young -- and learning. This will be a fun way to teach him how to make you happy! If he were really a clueless jerk, there would be no ring, no phone call to mom & certainly no explanation about your sister''s ring.

He may be sensitive, too. Most guys feel crushed if they can''t afford what their women dream about.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/8/2006 2:31:12 PM
Author: ladykemma
expectations are premeditated resentments.

us wimmen are experts at the ''you are supposed to be all knowing and intuitive and read our mind'' when they are in their own world and haven''t a clue. Men are probbaly thinking ''(grunt) hungry, what''s that look on her face, happy, going fishing tomorrow, content, beer, burp, hungry'', whlie we are off having a festering internal conniption fit .

I''m married to mr scrappy, also. he proposed on the couch, we shopped for an excellent ring together and he gave it to me in the parking lot.

My FF would have a festering internal conniption fit at such a generalization, but ya know what?

I''d have to say that 95% of the guys I know are EXACTLY like that!! LOL!!

Too funny!

 

[Mara]

Date: 7/8/2006 5:29:56 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 7/8/2006 2:31:12 PM
Author: ladykemma
expectations are premeditated resentments.

us wimmen are experts at the ''you are supposed to be all knowing and intuitive and read our mind'' when they are in their own world and haven''t a clue. Men are probbaly thinking ''(grunt) hungry, what''s that look on her face, happy, going fishing tomorrow, content, beer, burp, hungry'', whlie we are off having a festering internal conniption fit .

I''m married to mr scrappy, also. he proposed on the couch, we shopped for an excellent ring together and he gave it to me in the parking lot.

My FF would have a festering internal conniption fit at such a generalization, but ya know what?

I''d have to say that 95% of the guys I know are EXACTLY like that!! LOL!!

Too funny!

TRUE THAT.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 7/6/2006 5:13:11 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
wow, you sound disturbingly like me when I''m being moderately hysterical..I''m not saying you''re going haywire here, just noting the similarity.

I think that the advice about honestly evaluating *who* this guy you are living with really is at heart is spot on. What does he do to show you he cares aout you, and how is it different from what you might expect? People often do for others what makes themselves feel best (I cook for people, my mother cleans for people, some people try to ''fix'' things, etc). He might just not be a propose-in-Napa kind of guy, but does he fix the toilet at 3AM?

What I do when I get like this is to make a list, sit down and have a look at it and decide what I have a ''right'' to be upset about and what I can expect to change. Then I tell my guy the list, but I say X-Z are things I am being totally IRRATIONAL about but I have to get them off my chest. A-C are things I would like you to change. I started doing it this way because even if I didn''t have a reason I would stay angry about the irrational things unless I told him.

Also, sometimes men surprise you with this stuff. Just my two cents.

I agree with RainbowTrout. I have SO many times gone through the "grr, I''d really like for him to deliver this JUST the way I want it" thing. It''s hard because so many girls dream of *the moment* for so long, and then when we do find the man who''s just *it* for us, we can be a little hyper-sensitive and well, maybe demanding. I did that. Then I found out it was taking away the joy my guy had in the whole process. He''s truly LOVED this, even though he started off feeling overwhelmed.

Likely most men feel overwhelmed and confused and not sure how to *deliver* in a way that will matter to their girl. I know for us, because I was so excited about the upcoming change in our lives, and because I talk a lot, we did a TON of talking about proposals and stuff, and had we not talked about it (because Paul sees the proposal as just a step into the BIG stuff of marriage), I''m sure he would have been one of those guys who gets the great ring and then gives it to me somewhere that would have had me thinking, "wow, I love this man. But I wonder why he asked *here.* It wouldn''t take away from wanting to marry him, and I GET what you''re saying. It would take away from the *awwww* of it all, if only briefly. Given time, anything can become romantic and precious, at least in my head, anyway.

So my advice would be to talk to him about how this whole stage of your relationship is making you feel, and that you are extra sensitive right now. Some guys don''t get it, because they already know they want to be with you for life, so why are we freaking out over the delivery of, or timing of, the proposal? I don''t know why they see it that way, but they do.

I think Paul''s words in describing my elation and um, hyper-excitement, were "kind of crazy and a little scary and borderline insecure." He thought I was worried that he WOULDN''T ask. That was never the issue, I was just so dang excited for the moment, I tried to take over to *help* it get here sooner.

Even when it seems like they''re not planning or working on a thing, they can be. I''m a sneaky thing, but there are things in the works I know nothing about, I''m sure. I hope the same is true for you.

Don''t let peoples'' coments hurt your feelings. I was a little like that, too. But I think everyone has the best intentions and just want to help us calm down and let it be special and less stressful for our boys.

Good luck! September''s not far off.

 

[Ananda]

Everyone''s comments and suggestions, I think, are well-intentioned and really worth listening to! Take advantage of this!

Please don''t be your own worst enemy here. And as for the sister stuff...easier said than done, I know, but: LET IT GO. It isn''t worth it. This isn''t about her. It''s about you two. Keep your perspective!

Good luck!

 

[sk8rjen]

Hi! I just have to add myself to the "committed to mr. scrappy" list, although my proposal hasn''t happened yet. A beautiful but short romantic weekend together passed by a week after the ring came in with no proposal (although we had an overall really great time) -- and I feel disappointed about this. Like I''m forever going to think "oh I wish he would''ve done it then..." But really I''m trying to get past it, b/c, like your guy, mine just isn''t a romantic/feeling/ moting type. I don''t get flowers or special little gifts "just because" and he doesn''t constantly tell me how he looks forward to our future etc etc. He SHOWS me a lot of affection, and keeps his words at "I love you." I''ve communicated to him that I need more verbal "reassurance" if not just for him to change it up a time or two ("I love that you do (fill-in-the-blank) for me/with me/whatever.") And I get "I love you." Which is beautiful. And I''m trying desperately to learn to accept that, b/c he loves me and he is all the important things I desire in a spouse. Beyond that, we just have that indescribable connection that makes it worth it.

Unfortunately, my guy DOES feel that I''ve pressured him, and I feel that I''ve somehow "ruined" thing a little bit b/c of it. And does knowing that make me more patient knowing the proposal''s coming?? HECK NO. This is all part of the learning process for me, for him -- for you and your FF. What I''m trying to say to you is that, yes, many of us can really relate to you! Some more than others, for sure, but this is a sensitive subject for most of us. You may not have your dream proposal, he may miss opportunities (like Napa -- I SO SO SO relate to that), but in the end it should be HIM you want, not just the fantasy. I hope you continue to hang out here, vent to us, whatever -- this a great group of ladies who are sympathetic, empathetic and full of great advice and cyber-hugs. Good luck with everything!

jen

 

[galeteia]

I''m still a little concerned over the things I highlighted in my first post. A proposal promise to prevent a breakup? That sounds iffy to me.

Also, while it''s true that men aren''t capable of reading our minds and creating the ''ideal'' proposal, I have a sneaking suspicion that''s not the bottom issue here.

Ultimately, a woman (or man) needs to know, deep down, that their partner WANTS to be with them for the rest of their lives. If things have been said/done to jepoardize that conviction, then serious damage control needs to be done.

I wonder if she is ill-content with the ''scraps'' he throws her, because that''s all the evidence he''s showing her that he is committed to her and their future together? I don''t expect my FF to give me a proposal of my dreams, because I don''t have a previously formed idea of what ''the perfect proposal'' would be. Even if my FF chucked the FedEx box at me without fanfare, I wouldn''t be disappointed. Why? Because my FF tells me in words and actions on a daily basis, that he loves me and wants to marry me. We''re poor (students) and a low-maintenance couple in general, so the gestures/actions aren''t huge-- they are the little, meaningful things that are within our means.

If she isn''t getting the ''little signs'' of commitment, this whole situation would become way more acute for her.

I wonder if she''s still reading this thread... or if we chased her off.

 

[Mara]

Date: 7/9/2006 5:22:19 PM
Author: Galateia

I wonder if she's still reading this thread... or if we chased her off.

Sometimes I think that ladies come on here and expect to hear one thing, aka a lot of sympathy about their predicament...then when other issues or red flags start to get raised I think the original poster sometimes can freak out and go WHOA I didn't want to hear what you thought re: my relationship or whether or not this is good or bad, I just wanted some sympathy.

But it's a double edged sword, post in a public forum like this and you are going to get ALL SORTS of thoughts and responses. Read and absorb what is worthwhile to you and ditch what is not.... but I think that is hard for people sometimes to do. Especially when it comes to relationships which are obviously very personal and close to the heart.

Anyway, I do know that PS'ers are very well-intentioned and that people should realize that if they decide to post personal information publicly like this, they should be aware of the consequences, because you may hear a bunch of things you did not want to hear about!!! And to be open-minded because sometimes you cannot see the forest through the trees and people who are not 'in' the situation may be more objective at times. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on these boards from newly marrieds, not yet marrieds, and oldly marrieds, and I think if people just can filter through and listen...much of what is said can be applied in some positive way/shape/form.

Just some thoughts.

 

[bee*]

I agree with you Galateia-I would be really worried about a proposal to stop a breakup. That sends some warning bells out to me.
Stacy, I think that you just need to calm down a tiny bit and give him until his deadline-I know that you''re going to Napa and that would be a beautiful place to get engaged, but he might have some other idea that he wants to do.

On the Mr Scrappy posts-I am also going out with a Mr Scrappy, however we have just gotten back from a lovely weekend away and my Mr Scrappy turned into a Mr Romantic! At last, after 7 years together, he seems to have found his romantic side. We had a lovely bath last night and he takes out a bottle of champagne as a surprise and we went out for a gorgeous dinner-I was so surprised as he is never romantic-I hope this side stays for a while