What wedding?!?

[Buena Girl]

There have been several people in the past few months who have gotten new jobs and left the company where my b/f and I are employed. On their last day, every one of them coincidentally made the same comment to me about "I want an invite to the wedding". Each time, I have felt like screaming, "WHAT WEDDING?!?". There is no ring on my finger. My b/f and I have never told these people at work that we were even thinking of getting engaged! They all must assume that we will be getting engaged some day just because we have been dating for over 3 years.

Whenever people at work have asked me, I have always blown off the comment and said something like: No plans as yet. OR: IF we become engaged, that would probably be way off in the future. OR even: I don''t think we have been dating long enough to know if we want to stay together forever.

It really makes the waiting that much harder! It''s like the whole world expects it to happen, so why hasn''t it happened yet. Additionally, I feel like it may ruin some of the excitement. Apparently, all these people are expecting it to happen, so there will be no element of surprise when I finally get one.

One more thing-> Does anyone think that I actually need to invite these people who have invited themselves to my possible future wedding? I never gave any of them a direct answer. I usually said "No plans as yet".

 

[appletini]

When you do engaged and are planning the wedding. Invite people because you want them to be there, not because you feel obligated too...afterall its your party and you are paying for all of them to eat, drink, and be merry.

 

[ammayernyc]

Maybe it''s the summer heat or something, but people just seem to be asking me left and right when I''m getting engaged.

I swear, I would not be this anxious if for not all these people!

 

[Croí]

okay, I have something to add to this discussion.


When I was in the throes of planning our day a co-worker/friend asked " am I invited ? "
I have known this person for about six years, we are work AIM buddies and when we were in the same building {over three years ago} we used to sometimes sit in the park and chat during lunch. We never hung out outside of work hours, we were not ''in'' each other''s lives to that degree. He is an odd guy in some ways but interesting in others - I guess I''d say he''s eccentric.

So I was taken by surprise by this "am I invited ?" question and told him I would never have thought he''d have wanted to go {he did not even know my fiance} but he explained how he has always wanted to go to Ireland and this would be the perfect reason and he''d get to meet people etc.

I ended up saying " If you want to pay to travel there on holiday and want to take in the wedding aswell, that is fine ... sure, the more the merrier".

This backfired on me in such a nasty, ugly way that I can''t even begin to tell you. He said UNFORGIVEABLE things after our wedding and he and I parted ways on very unpleasant terms indeed.
I am SO SO SO SORRY I ever agreed to him being there. He is a total ******* and if I had known then what I know now about his character, I would never have even been AIM buddies with him, much less agreed to have him at our wedding.

I haven''t shared this ugly story with you all because I want to remember all the wonderful and good things about our wedding day and not ever concentrate on that little prick but when I read your post I had to write.

If you don''t REALLY know your co-worker, if you have not hung out socially, outside of work, DON''T invite them. If you don''t know how they feel about subjects that are important to you or your family {for us, the war in Iraq, close family member in Baghdad right now} and ESPECIALLY if you are having alcohol at your wedding and don''t know what a person is like when they are drinking, DON''T invite them.

DON''T INVITE THEM !!

I can''t say it enough. Word of warning from someone who was bitten BADLY by thinking "what''s the harm ?"

make sure you invite people you know and LIKE {excepting family which is hard to have real control over ... [} - one rotten apple can really sour things. Thankfully I didn''t hear about any of what went on with him until aftewards so our day, in and of itself, was totally perfect. Even now, I don''t allow that to ruin the overall but I sure wish I hadn''t had to deal with what I had to deal with ...... I was stupid to invite someone I really didn''t know and think it would okay.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE GUEST LIST !!!!!!!!!!

C

 

[Buena Girl]

Date: 6/23/2005 11:41:03 AM
Author: AmandaPanda
Maybe it''s the summer heat or something, but people just seem to be asking me left and right when I''m getting engaged.

I swear, I would not be this anxious if for not all these people!

Heheee..I think sometimes it is the summer heat mixed with alcohol! Last weekend I was at a wedding and my friend''s mom (not the mom of the bride or groom) had a few drinks during the cocktail hour. When we moved in to the ballroom, she was introducing us to some people. She said "This is *my name* and her fiance *his name*. Other people around us who knew me heard what she was saying and got all excited. I had to do some quick damage control!! It was hilarious! Later, I heard the story being relayed to the bridal party. One of the bridesmaids is the daughter of the woman and knows how her mom gets when she has had a few drinks. I could hear them (especuially the bride) laughing from where I was sitting!

 

[Buena Girl]

OMG Croi, I am so sorry to hear that! Thanks for the warning!!! I''ll have to really consider all possibilites when the time comes.

One of the people I had worked with for 6 years and I feel like I know him pretty well. I went to his wedding earlier this year. We have hung out at some of the work functions. But I have never hung out with him socially. He''s cool with my b/f and he has hung out socially with other people at work, though, and I never heard anything particularly bad.

 

[ammayernyc]

I went to a wedding last year and the bride told me that she and her new husband knew maybe half the people who were there -- the other half were friends and business associates of their parents.

 

[Croí]

Buena
I do think it was a combination of REALLY bad luck and just not knowing the person as well as I thought I did. I mean I had formed an opinion of who he was but I didn''t REALLY know him. You seem to have more information at hand. I didn''t know anyone else who had spent any time with this guy. I had no feedback, good or bad, I just winged it.

Just a story to keep in mind, that''s all !

best of luck with it all !!

btw, the good still REALLY outweighed the bad. I think everyone has some ''horror story'' of their day, of something that went wrong ........ but nothing can spoil the feeling INSIDE, the total joy. It just consumes you and swallows up any minor irritations !

 

[rfath]

Croi -

Bleh. Sorry to hear about the stinker.

I think in a way it''s hard to truly know how people will act at your wedding, especially if your invitees bring guests that you don''t personally know. I''m torn about this, as my sister asked me this morning if she can bring a date. Not because she''s seriously seeing someone (she said she had a list of possible people), but because she has this fantasy that everyone will be staring at HER all evening wondering why she''s alone and pitying her for not having a date. Normally I''d say that I don''t care, but there''s this niggling bad vibe since she''s a horrible drunk and it''s going to be hard enough keeping her in line for the day... I worry about what mischief she would find with a friend to share it. Don''t suppose I could ask to speak with her ''friend'' and extract promises to make her behave, eh?

Drama.. I''m SURE my wedding will have LOTS of it....

I had lots of people asking me if they could be invited to our wedding years before it was even a possibility. Of course I agreed... then promptly forgot about them. I think they''ve forgotten, too...

 

[Blue824]

Croi! That''s horrible!

I think people at work are just busy bodies...I mean, I am to some extent, but ok, they always refer to my boyfriend as my fiance and i ALWAYS say, hello? do you see a ring on my finger, he is my BOYFRIEND. One time P called and I wasnt where I typically was so they were transferring him all over to find me....not good, he hits one lady and she''s like "sooo when are you moving here, is there a proposal in the future? we''ve heard so much about you and you two are so cute" ....when that got reported back to me, via my boyfriend i was so shocked! I mean, they''re totally friendly outgoing people but I never thought they''d do that on the phone to him!

But I agree...you can''t predict how people are going to act, even if you know them. To be honest, if it came down to it, there are some people I''m related to I''d rather replace with co-workers and just take the chance

But appletini is right, if you truly don''t want them there, don''t invite them. It is all up to you!

 

[Matata]

Buena Girl....found some stuff you can use here''s one set of replies to that pesky question:
1. In the beginning, there were no elliptical trainers or low-fat/high-fiber muffins, and so people lived to only about 40-something. Maximum. Meaning, the pressure was on to get married before age 25. However, today, thanks to medical advances, we can all hope to live to 80. Easy. Meaning? Even if we marry at age 40, that''s still 35, 45, even 55 years to be with a mate. Plenty of time to be married. What''s the hurry?

2. Married people are not necessarily better catches simply because they were caught. I mean, have you taken a look at some of the married people out there? Seriously. Even Frankenstein got married. Obviously married people are not superior people.

3. Meanwhile, look at some of our cool single role models:
Catwoman: Single.
Buddha: Single.
The Lone Ranger: Single.
Actually, virtually all superhero types are single: Superman, Wonder Woman, Dudley Do-Right. And then there’s The Ultimate Superhero: God—also single.

4. Plus, when you think about it, there’s no such thing as a Stepford Single Woman.

5. Why limit myself to being dissatisfied by one relationship when I can be dissatisfied by an infinite variety?

6. It’s interesting how our culture has the expression “happily married,” but no expression “happily single.” And those words are 100% certified by the US Census Bureau. Statistics show that although married men are reported to be happier than single men (surprise, surprise!)—single women are reported to be happier than married women (also a big surprise, surprise!). Meaning? This only furthers the irony that single women are branded as "unhappy” and “lonely” and “loser-esque"—when single women are just boldly holding out for the right situation, rather than getting married just to get married.

7. It''s easy to become married. Millions of people do it every year. If you want to pressure me to become something, hey, why not pick something a little more challenging—like an astrophysicist.

8. True love is rare. That''s why it''s called "love" and not "really like" or "settling." And why we don''t say: "I’m settling for you, honey" over candlelit dinners. True love is worth waiting for…and that’s what I’m doing.

 

[Matata]

Here''s more (I like #23):
1. You haven''t asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiancée is awaiting parole.

9. I''m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I''m waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn''t seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn''t allow spouses.

16. I''d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn''t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can''t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I''ve invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover''s husband just won''t go for it.

22. I don''t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren''t you thin?

24. I''m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

 

[Matata]

And remember, the questions never stop...once you''re married, folks will start asking "Why aren''t you pregnant yet?"

 

[Buena Girl]

Thanks girls

Maybe the b/f will just have to hurry up and propose so that I am no longer flailing for a response when people tell me they want an invite to my "wedding" and I am not even freaking engaged.

 

[angelina]

I''m right there with you,Buena Girl.

It aggarvates me when people ask, b/c it does take the fun and excitement out of it.

Do they honestly think you *know* when you will be engaged?

I''m struggling with this as we speak.

 

[Croí]

morning girls
thanks for the commiserations ! honestly, I''m well over it. a small fly in the ointment !

it''s ironic but I didn''t really go through any "when are ye getting married ?" stuff over my now-hubby. I think because I went through it for years in my previous relationship and people felt sheepish and foolish when we broke up ..... so this time round people had a bit more tact and restraint ! thankfully.

since we got married just fourteen weeks after he proposed I know there are those busy-bodies out there who are full-sure of themselves that I am already pregnant !!! heh!

Why is it that people don''t get the idea that you are MADLY CRAZY IN LOVE and just want to marry this person and be with them as their spouse ???

I don''t get it !

my sister - remember the ''fat'' (pregnant) bridesmaid ? - is due her baby this weekend. I''m having a beast of a time with the fact that I am here and not over there with her. first baby and she and I are closest in age. spoke to her last night - still waiting !! - but it''s just not the same as being there.

keep your collective fingers crossed (and prayers if you pray) that they both will come through the labour and birth all well and healthy. THANKS

 

[ammayernyc]

Well, this weekend I hit a new low.
A 5 and 6 year old (sisters) asked me why I wasn''t married yet. They know both me and my bf and that we live together. So, during a car ride they kept asking me why I wasn''t married and asked me how old I was and when I told them (30), they told me that I was too old not to married. I thought I was going to faint!

I was going to have ''the talk'' with my bf last night, but then I did something to piss him off (and he had a right to be pissed) so I decided that it would not be such a great time to bring it up.

Argh!!!

 

[fountainfairfax]

Date: 6/27/2005 1:23:11 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
Well, this weekend I hit a new low.
A 5 and 6 year old (sisters) asked me why I wasn''t married yet. They know both me and my bf and that we live together. So, during a car ride they kept asking me why I wasn''t married and asked me how old I was and when I told them (30), they told me that I was too old not to married. I thought I was going to faint!

I was going to have ''the talk'' with my bf last night, but then I did something to piss him off (and he had a right to be pissed) so I decided that it would not be such a great time to bring it up.

Argh!!!

Aren''t kids great

? Remember, to them 20 is ancient!!!

I totally understand the craziness you all feel when someone asks you "so when are you getting married?" as I went through it for the 6 years I was with my ex, but that question was NOTHING compared to "so why did you get divorced?" when it didn''t work out.....10 years later and I still get asked that!

 

[fountainfairfax]

and to throw my opinion in, Buena, whenever anyone rudely assumes they''ll be invited to your wedding I think a great reply is "wow, after my ________ (fill in the blank- Parents, In-Laws, or whoever) finish with their additions to the list, I''ll be lucky if there are places left for any of my guests." They''ll know space is limited, no feelings get hurt and I''m sure they''ll love to see the pictures afterwards!

 

[Buena Girl]

Date: 6/27/2005 1:23:11 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
Well, this weekend I hit a new low.
A 5 and 6 year old (sisters) asked me why I wasn''t married yet. They know both me and my bf and that we live together. So, during a car ride they kept asking me why I wasn''t married and asked me how old I was and when I told them (30), they told me that I was too old not to married. I thought I was going to faint!

I was going to have ''the talk'' with my bf last night, but then I did something to piss him off (and he had a right to be pissed) so I decided that it would not be such a great time to bring it up.

Argh!!!

I think I remember you mentioning a while back about wanting to have ''the talk'' with your b/f. Are you speaking of the same ''the talk'' in this post? If it is something that has not happened yet and you are still wanting to do it, than I think you should go for it!

I think you were worried about how he would react? I''m just guessing that it has got to be hard on you to have to deal with all of the intrusive engagement questions and also wory about your b/f reaction to discussing it all. Is there any other way you can approach it? Maybe writing it all down in letter form and giving it to him and tell him to discuss it with you when he''s ready? That way he can''t just say "I don''t know" to anything you say.

Best of luck! The sooner you get it over with then the less time you''ll have to worry about doing it. If that makes any sense?

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 6/27/2005 4:04:09 PM
Author: Buena Girl

Date: 6/27/2005 1:23:11 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
Well, this weekend I hit a new low.
A 5 and 6 year old (sisters) asked me why I wasn''t married yet. They know both me and my bf and that we live together. So, during a car ride they kept asking me why I wasn''t married and asked me how old I was and when I told them (30), they told me that I was too old not to married. I thought I was going to faint!

I was going to have ''the talk'' with my bf last night, but then I did something to piss him off (and he had a right to be pissed) so I decided that it would not be such a great time to bring it up.

Argh!!!

I think I remember you mentioning a while back about wanting to have ''the talk'' with your b/f. Are you speaking of the same ''the talk'' in this post? If it is something that has not happened yet and you are still wanting to do it, than I think you should go for it!

I think you were worried about how he would react? I''m just guessing that it has got to be hard on you to have to deal with all of the intrusive engagement questions and also wory about your b/f reaction to discussing it all. Is there any other way you can approach it? Maybe writing it all down in letter form and giving it to him and tell him to discuss it with you when he''s ready? That way he can''t just say ''I don''t know'' to anything you say.

Best of luck! The sooner you get it over with then the less time you''ll have to worry about doing it. If that makes any sense?

Yeah... still the same talk. So pathetic.

I thought about writing him a letter, since I''m so much better at writing than I am at talking (not necessarily always, but I usually make sure that I say everything I need to say when writing...). But I figure, we''ve been dating for over 3.5 years, we''ve been living together for 10 months, what is wrong with me! Just say something. Nothing will go foward unless I bring it up. I''m just not always sure how...

I always find some sort of excuse not to say something. Like, I''ve had too much to drink. Or not enough to drink. Or it''s too late. Or we''re in public. Or we''re all alone and I don''t want to go to sleep upset. I''m just a wimp. But... it''s starting to piss me off so I''m going to say something soon... otherwise I''m going to give myself and ulcer!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/23/2005 2:16:36 PM
Author: Matata
And remember, the questions never stop...once you''re married, folks will start asking ''Why aren''t you pregnant yet?''

This is soooooooooooo true...this September will be my 2nd anniversary and you''d think I was committing some kind of felony for not being pregnant already. So it never ends, sorry to say!!

I think those people who asked to be invited to the wedding were trying to be nice, though sometimes it can be exasperating for you, the receiver of such comments...especially when you yourself would like to be planning a wedding!!!!! As for inviting them...it''s completely your prerogative of course...but nobody asks to be invited to a wedding when they don''t want to go...especially since etiquette suggests you send a gift even if you decline the invite. Only invite them if you want to. They''re just letting you know they''d love to be included. You don''t have to do so if you don''t want to.

 

[Buena Girl]

Date: 6/27/2005 4:14:00 PM
Author: AmandaPanda

Yeah... still the same talk. So pathetic.

I thought about writing him a letter, since I''m so much better at writing than I am at talking (not necessarily always, but I usually make sure that I say everything I need to say when writing...). But I figure, we''ve been dating for over 3.5 years, we''ve been living together for 10 months, what is wrong with me! Just say something. Nothing will go foward unless I bring it up. I''m just not always sure how...

I always find some sort of excuse not to say something. Like, I''ve had too much to drink. Or not enough to drink. Or it''s too late. Or we''re in public. Or we''re all alone and I don''t want to go to sleep upset. I''m just a wimp. But... it''s starting to piss me off so I''m going to say something soon... otherwise I''m going to give myself and ulcer!

Definitely not pathetic. It sounds very stressful to me. I hate how stress drains all the fun energy out! Definitely not worth getting an ulcer over.

Maybe you could write everything out in letter form and then start reading the letter to him? When I''ve done the letter approach, especially when I am really upset about something, I usually: write it all out, give it to the person, and then leave the room (or place or whatever) and give them time to mull it over. I''ve tried emailing it before.

BAD idea!!! It has usually worked the best when I have handed the person a hand written note in person.

Best of luck. I know it will be a good feeling to purge the stress out!

 

[jorman]

Buena Girl,

I have the same situation. It is SO blam frustrating!
My BF and I are moving to California in 4 weeks and all of my coworkers, acquaintances, etc. all asked immediately, "When is he going to propose?" "Is he going to put a commitment on your finger?" (that one really gets me boiling) "When is the wedding?" ARGH!

It also never ceases to amaze me how many of the people who comment first on my engagement status are the ones who are the most unhappy in their relationship, lack of relationship, etc.

We haven''t even been dating for 3 years yet. I think we are doing just fine.

The good thing is my family and close friends are being amazing and so supportive of us, our move, our devotion to each other. Why? Because they know better.

Hee Hee.

I know how much we love each other. I know the life long plans we talk about on a daily basis. When he proposes is up to him NOT my coworkers. Drives me nuts. It really does. Now I just say, "Why don''t you ask him? He''s got the master plan."