What do you do to take your mind off it?

[PrincessNatalie]

I have recently started doing things to show I would make an excellent wife when I start thinking too much about wanting a proposal. If I start thinking too hard about it, I will clean something out of the ordinary, or scrub the floors, or cook coz it makes me feel like I am being proactive plus it makes me feel a sense of achievement in what I am doing and the actual "doing" get my mind off it anyhows.

Or I paint my nails or wash my hair or do something to groom myself and make me feel better.

Or I start planing his 30th birthday party or investigating and putting together home decorating projects or my best friends hens party.

What do you ladies do to get your mind off it or ease your mind?

 

[HopeDream]

Hi PrincessNatalie,

I do much of the same "wifeing" you do, read books, play video games, have tea with my friends, and drool at sparklies on PS and ebay.
I also practice touch-typing, which I'm trying to learn . At work I totaly focus on work which is also helpful.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

excellent wife = good housekeeper and personal assistant?

 

[4ever]

Date: 5/2/2010 11:01:37 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
excellent wife = good housekeeper and personal assistant?

And cook, laundress, seamstress, caregiver, entertainer and arm candy.....

I do many of the same things, I cook dinner 5 nights a week, I do alot of lactose free baking, I tidy things, I organise his documents and paperwork, I clean, I do his laundry and ironing, I paint and groom my nails, pluck my eyebrows, wash my hair, I brouse PS, I plan activities for us to do when he''s not working, I''m planning his 30th birthday activities/ party and lately I fantasize about when we get our own place, planning our wedding and honeymoon.

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Wifeing

To be fair my Bf does a lot of "husbanding" too, He cooks me dinner, does my laundry, makes me tea etc. I think nuturing each other is healthy behaviour in a relationship, provided it''s well balanced.

Focusing on daily tasks is a good way to live in the moment and appreciate right now, instead of daydreaming/worrying about the future and not being fully present to your loved ones.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Lol, in the same way that good husband = handy man and amateur landscaper with a great sense of humor (well those are "husbandy" things about him that I really like, and give me the warm fuzzies).

I really don''t know what to do to be "wife material" I guess, but I mainly just try not to be lazy or boring. But to make myself feel cheerier I do try and do some extra wifey stuff (what I see as wifey), but just to be clear when not having a moment I definitely do these things anyhow (esp diy projects and the more normal day to day cleaning chores, like washing and stuff - not necessarily scrubbing down every cupboard on a whim). Also "well-organized and squeaky clean" are how some of my friends, and boss would describe me, so I guess that works well .

I also do some of his chores that I know he hates doing, so I do them so he doesn''t have to - but I have always done that its not really a get my mind off it thing, its just cos I like to make him happy.

We have a bazillion things in common and get along fantastically and we travel alot and travel really well together and stuff, and live together and everything is going great, we have so much fun and are very happy together, so I dont really know what else to do to help him be "ready", I really can''t fault our relationship. Our relationship is really only just moving into the time period where one would start thinking about marriage I guess so I am not too worried yet.

Yeah, I have been planing his birthday for 5 months little by little lol, because I want it to be perfect for him. I got him this watch:

http://www.watchco.com/Seiko_Silver_LE_Grand_Sport_Men_s_Kinetic_p/snp027.htm

It arrived on Friday, I ordered it well ahead so if there were any problems I would be able to sort them out. There weren''t! So now I cant give it to him for another 6 weeks! Which is driving me batty lol.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Date: 5/3/2010 2:33:49 AM
Author: HopeDream
Re: Wifeing

To be fair my Bf does a lot of ''husbanding'' too, He cooks me dinner, does my laundry, makes me tea etc. I think nuturing each other is healthy behaviour in a relationship, provided it''s well balanced.

Focusing on daily tasks is a good way to live in the moment and appreciate right now, instead of daydreaming/worrying about the future and not being fully present to your loved ones.

Yep, So does my BF - he is lovely, its definitely not all one-sided. I would describe us as "A little bit married" like the book. And he passes my test, he is absolutely wonderful. We definitely share the chores, and cooking, and sometimes cook together. And we sit outside and choose plants for the garden together, and go to the nursery often and buy plants. And make wall hangings and go to the markets and pick furniture together and lots of fun stuff that I really enjoy, and I know he does too.

Just this afternoon we put up Roman blinds together.

I think its healthy (and fun) too.

 

[RaiKai]

I am married and therefore not a LIW, but I will say, that all sounds exhausting! I know your post is rather lighthearted and so on...but there were some things (a vibe I guess) that sort of raised the hairs on my neck.

While I know you also said you really ENJOY cleaning and housework (and while I don't - I do believe you!)...hence do them if that is what gets you going....I would rapidly drop the idea of doing things if they are in anyway motivated to show how "perfect" or "excellent" of a wife you will be. Yes, cleaning and housework needs to get done, and some people enjoy it but you will run yourself ragged if your motivation is to achieve some sort of standard to prove you would be the perfect wife. If all your boyfriend wanted as a housekeeper, well he would hire a housekeeper. A healthy marriage is NOT about the "roles" you play. It's about the people you are, and the people you are together.

You individually really can't "do" anything to make HIM ready. You really can't. Whether he is ready or not is a matter of where he is in his own life and individually, and what he considers to be ready for himself and your relationship. This can be a number of things - and I hope that as partners you have healthy communication where you DO know what his standards are for being "ready". I do get that you enjoy doing these things, and you would do them anyway, but the very first line of your post also indicates you are somewhat motivated to do them to show you would be an excellent wife in a way to motivate him to have some sort of "aha moment" whereby he realizes he just could not live without your post roast for the rest of his life and better marry you then and there! You are not responsible for his readiness (or non-readiness).

And, you should really pursue things that you enjoy doing for their own stand-alone enjoyment, not as a matter of getting your minds of a singular goal (i.e. getting mind off the fact that you and your SO are not currently on the same page when it comes to getting married). Wherever you are in life - that is where you are. Don't live your life - or your relationship - waiting for something else.

So, what *I* would do in your shoes is to actually appreciate each moment as it comes. I would focus less on "doing" things to prove you would be an "excellent wife" and that you can fulfill some sort of "role" and spend more time learning about yourself, becoming more self-aware and stronger as an individual. I would focus on stopping to see your relationship together NOW as just a step towards marriage, and see your relationship - and enjoy it - as it is NOW. Appreciate the fun of being in the moment as partners, and though you have been together a couple years ago and live together you can NEVER stop learning about one another. Take the time to keep learning about one another. Talk, talk, talk. Share experiences, and enjoy. Strengthen your bond together. Really, TRULY learn about one another as individuals - not by your actions but by who you really are inside. And participate in hobbies or what have you as you enjoy them individually as your own person. Take the time to learn who YOU are too - flaws and all. Personal growth should never stop - married or not.

And if you are in a relationship where you really need to do things to take your mind off the aspects that you are not satisfied with (or to make yourself feel better about where you are) it is really time to sit down and take some time to personally reflect on why the situation has you reacting so unhappily, and how that can change. If you have talked about your relationship goals together and are clearly both on different paths, you need to decide if you can live with that. Rather than live your life trying to divert your mind off the reality.

Perhaps I am just being a bit sensitive and overstepping a few boundaries here - but I was in a past long-term common-law relationship where I too tried to show how I would be a perfect wife....and it was not a positive or healthy place to be for myself, or the relationship. I was trying to ignore an elephant in the room - that we were in very different places and likely not to be on the same path ever...indeed we were BOTH ignoring that elephant and we ignored the topic altogether as we both cared about one another still (and we really lacked healthy communication on more than this issue by the end of it).

 

[HappyNewLife]

Whenever I''m bursting at the seams about wanting to be engaged, we tend to have an argument that PISSES ME SO OFF that it helps me wait again, LOL. I know that sounds silly, but it''s true My SO can be such a pain in the butt, so that helps me be patient. LOL!

 

[lilyfoot]

RaiKai, I''m totally there with you. I didn''t reply before, because I too feared that I was reading too much into it, or not taking the OP in the lighthearted manner which it may be meant, but honestly, this post bothers me!

I''m having a difficult time expressing what exactly it is that''s bothering me the wrong way about this, so for now, I''m just going to give a big huge DITTO to everything RaiKai said.

 

[blacksand]

I would think taking you mind off of engagement would involve activities that are basically the opposite of what you list here. Nothing wrong with thinking about engagement (I know I do it all the time), but trying to be a perfect future wife seems like it would just make you think about it more. A lot more. And then be disappointed if he doesn''t recognize how perfect a future wife you are and isn''t ready to marry you. If you want to take your mind off of engagement, I would think you''d want to do things for yourself, not for your SO.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 5/3/2010 12:40:46 PM
Author: lilyfoot
RaiKai, I''m totally there with you. I didn''t reply before, because I too feared that I was reading too much into it, or not taking the OP in the lighthearted manner which it may be meant, but honestly, this post bothers me!

I''m having a difficult time expressing what exactly it is that''s bothering me the wrong way about this, so for now, I''m just going to give a big huge DITTO to everything RaiKai said.

HI:

Agreed. Maybe I am reading too much into this as well b/c the thought of waiting around for someone to decide your value is entirely bewitching.

 

[CatLady]

I was thinking troll.

 

[Indylady]

I agree with RaiKai, Lilyfoot and Canuk-gal.

Most things in life do have an effort to reward ratio; you try hard, and you hope to earn something in return. However, in my opinion, that''s just not how relationships are supposed to work. My relationship is my safe haven; I also like doing things that make my SO happy, but I''m not trying to prove myself, or reach an ends.

To answer your question: what do I do to take my mind off engagement?

Well, I''m loving this part of my life while I''m still living it. I''m doing what I want, and I''m doing it how and when I want to. I''m looking forward to marrying my SO, but I''ll love and appreciate that time when it comes.

 

[Erin]

.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/3/2010 2:41:50 PM
Author: CatLady
I was thinking troll.

No, I do not believe she is a troll at all. Indeed, after my post, I realized I recognized her from another forum where she has more of longer term presence, and her story here is consistent with what she has shared about her life there.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/3/2010 3:10:41 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 5/3/2010 2:41:50 PM
Author: CatLady
I was thinking troll.

No, I do not believe she is a troll at all. Indeed, after my post, I realized I recognized her from another forum where she has more of longer term presence, and her story here is consistent with what she has shared about her life there.

I didn''t get a troll vibe either. I wish I did, it would make this thread a lot less sad!

 

[princesss]

It seems like what you do to "take your mind off of it" would only make it worse - you''re trying to become the perfect wife to show him he should marry you to help you relax about not being married, but you''re acting like you''re married (and practicing to be perfect at it!), so why change things if they''re going great the way they are now (at least, that''s how it could seem to him)?

Why not focus on things just for you - read a book you really like, teach yourself a new hobby, do something solely because you like it, not because of how "wifely" it might be.

Besides, you want him to marry YOU - shouldn''t you already be the perfect potential wife simply because you''re YOU and your man should want to marry you just as you are?

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/3/2010 4:07:12 PM
Author: princesss
It seems like what you do to ''take your mind off of it'' would only make it worse - you''re trying to become the perfect wife to show him he should marry you to help you relax about not being married, but you''re acting like you''re married (and practicing to be perfect at it!), so why change things if they''re going great the way they are now (at least, that''s how it could seem to him)?

Why not focus on things just for you - read a book you really like, teach yourself a new hobby, do something solely because you like it, not because of how ''wifely'' it might be.

Besides, you want him to marry YOU - shouldn''t you already be the perfect potential wife simply because you''re YOU and your man should want to marry you just as you are?

Yes, this.

We certainly didn''t have anything in our wedding vows about cleaning and cooking

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I dont think you guys understand what I mean at all, I am not doing it for him, I am doing it for me. At the moment I am helping to plan 2 of my best friends weddings and sometimes I go a little bit crazy with wedding fever and I have been trying to figure out ways to stop myself sabotaging my relationship over something even I know is not as important as than having a good relationship.

Your reading wayyy to much into it and your all being quite harsh. Really harsh, I have never been called a troll before in my life, what did I do to be called such a horrible name?!

Thanks for letting me know so early that this isn''t a friendly place. I just feel sick at some of the responses I have gotten here.

Thanks anyhows, you all seemed really friendly while I have been lurking, now I am just sorry I tried to talk to any of you.

Natalie

 

[dawnabee]

TROLL(definition on wikipedia)---In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response[1] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.[2] In addition to the offending poster, the noun “troll” can also refer to the provocative message itself, as in that was an excellent troll you posted. While the term troll and its associated action, trolling, are primarily associated with Internet discourse, media attention in recent years has made such labels highly subjective, with trolling being used to describe many intentionally provocative actions outside of an online context.


********** just to clear THAT up ******* since i know i was confuse

 

[Ella]

Please keep this discussion kind and lighthearted in the manner it was meant.

 

[4ever]

Wow, I think you guys totally read way to much into PrincessNatalies posts

I totally "get" the satisfaction and sence of achivement of cleaning and cooking and planning your partners birthday party and I have known several friends who worry or wonder if they are seen as "wife Material".

PrincessNatalie - If you''re still interested in sticking around, forget about this thread and start a new one, we seem to have alot in common (I also bought a watch for my BFs upcoming 30th birthday WAY in advance and get teasted by friends and family all the time about being a good housewife because I like cooking and baking and cleaning and sewing etc). and I''m sure there are plenty of other ladies who would like to make your stay as a LIW a little easyer.

 

[Indylady]

When you post on PS, you''re posting on a public forum, and you should expect to hear all kinds of responses. Trust me, I''ve gotten my feelings hurt a few times. Sometimes, the posters knew what they were talking about, and the comments I received actually did help me, even though I didn''t like hearing them. Sometimes, the posters didn''t know what they were talking about, and were completely wrong. It happens.

That being said, the ladies that have posted are not trying to be unfriendly, or unnecessarily harsh. They''re going to share their honest, well intended advice, much like the advice they''d give a close friend or a sister.

I''m very happy for you that you are content in your relationship, and found someone to love that loves you back. If you''d like, feel free to start an introductory thread about you and you SO.

 

[HopeDream]

Please Stay PrincessNatalie! I''m glad you''re here.

Communication on the internet is definately different than face-to-face, so sometimes topics will take an unfortunate turn (one of those "4 opinions for every 3 people" type phenomena). Just shake your head, and start again with a new topic and thread.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/2/2010 8:15:17 PM
Author:PrincessNatalie
I have recently started doing things to show I would make an excellent wife when I start thinking too much about wanting a proposal.

Everytime I open this thread, this is the first thing I see.

PrincessNatalie, if you can''t see how that statement would make us worry, then I don''t know what to say.

I stand by everything I said earlier in this thread, and I most definitely do not feel that I was harsh at all.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/4/2010 8:54:10 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/2/2010 8:15:17 PM

Author:PrincessNatalie

I have recently started doing things to show I would make an excellent wife when I start thinking too much about wanting a proposal.

Everytime I open this thread, this is the first thing I see.



PrincessNatalie, if you can''t see how that statement would make us worry, then I don''t know what to say.



I stand by everything I said earlier in this thread, and I most definitely do not feel that I was harsh at all.

Ditto.

In a subsequent post in the thread you also mentioned you did not know what else you could do for him to be ready (or similar to that). In another thread you commented that you had brought marriage up once, he said simply he was not ready, and that was it - that you have not talked about it since.

This, combined with the first part of your post quoted above, raises alarms for me. I particularly see an insecurity about whether your SO wants to marry you...and that you are afraid to bring it up again and instead are trying to convince him that you would be an excellent wife. I was not being HARSH by sharing those concerns and it is too bad that you see it that way or took it as a personal attack.

You may disagree with my observations...but that does not make me *mean*.

 

[Jessie702]

Hello everyone

and yes im still living.
Im jumping on this thread a bit late, but from reading, and rereading, i can understand both points of view. The first line is a bit confusing, but than this is the internet, a lot of things can be confusing. I hate to say this, but im in the top 20,

, and know the feeling of going crazy when thinking about engagements and rings. You should, and it sounds like it in a way, be doing things that make you happy. I like the part were you mentioned, doing things to make you feel pretty. Thats great! But i hate the part of you saying, im doing things to show id be a great wife....excuse the parapharsing. I understand the need to show your a good wife....the need to show you can cook and clean, and all the wifey stuff, but it shouldnt be the first thing you jump to. The first thing you jump to, should be focusing on you.Also, this is a time we LIW should be enjoying, we get to look at sparklies and day dream. I know that when i start thinking too much about it, which happens to be less the more time im on the list, i tend to try to do something girlie, like my hair, or makeup. Or i will go out for a bit, I like to go out in nature while its still okay here. So i either go out to the park or go sightseeing, or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Just my two cents....

(If the post doesnt make much sense, its due to lack of coffee and early morning hour)

 

[lightningbug]

Hi Natalie,

Try not to be offended ~ there are a wide variety of life perspectives here on PS, and that''s part of its charm. What I took from your post is that you''re feeling bubbly, optimistic, and eager about *being* married ~ and about the little things that make domestic life feel harmonious and fun. You remind me a lot of a good friend of mine who likes things to be orderly and beautiful, and who accomplishes tasks she sets her mind to. She''s very "Martha Stewart" in her way of being, by which I mean that she has a beautiful home and garden, throws great dinner parties, and makes other people feel very comfortable and welcomed. She is also fairly traditional about marriage and home life ~ her number one goal was to be married and raise children, and she''s done a really good job at that!

I think some people were ''thrown'' a little by your emphasis on event planning and cleaning and "scrubbing" the floors, which conjures up a very Cinderella image, in which you hum to yourself while daydreaming about marriage...waiting for your prince to ride up on a white horse and rescue you, so to speak. For some, that''s a bit of an old-fashioned image, and many ladies today prefer to go out and buy their own castle, white horse, and stables. Or, if we do take satisfaction from scrubbing floors, we toss in a pinch of irony when discussing it.

To answer your original question...I was never much of a LIW. My fiance and I talked openly about our goals, and he let me know early in our relationship that he had feelings for me that could eventually lead to marriage, if that was right for both of us. He was more of the pursuer than I was, perhaps in part because I was most decidedly NOT scrubbing his floors ~ I was defending my dissertation, kayaking in Mexico, throwing dinner parties for my friends (including him), and generally having a full life. I think that this made me more attractive to him. I know he never took me for granted.

On the other hand, I was in a prior relationship in which I was most definitely more emotionally invested than the guy was--I thought he was perfect, and I wanted to be perfect for him...so I spent my free time shopping to make my clothes and house perfect, planning perfect weekend trips for us, and generally being perfectly available and eager to please him. Of course he saw me as a foregone conclusion and ended up taking up with another woman who was, herself, in another relationship and thus by definition "harder to get." In fact, he once told me that HE did HER laundry. That stuck with me.

I am definitely NOT saying that your current relationship is like my relationship with my ex. I really do see in your that same kind of effervescence about domestic bliss that drives my friend, and I think that''s cool. But I do think that people reacted with a bit of alarm because enjoying and anticipating domestic bliss can LOOK (on the outside) a lot like subjugating yourself to a man ~ the outward behaviors can look similar, even if the feelings that motivate the behaviors are different.

So anyway, that''s a lot of talking to say (1) try not to be offended; (2) enjoy doing the things that make you happy; (3) even if what makes you happy is taking care of others, make sure that you are motivated by love and caring and pride in a job well done, rather than a desire to be "perfect" enough to entice him into marriage; and (4) good luck and have fun!

All best wishes!

 

[Jessie702]

Date: 5/4/2010 12:55:11 PM
Author: lightningbug
Hi Natalie,

Try not to be offended ~ there are a wide variety of life perspectives here on PS, and that''s part of its charm. What I took from your post is that you''re feeling bubbly, optimistic, and eager about *being* married ~ and about the little things that make domestic life feel harmonious and fun. You remind me a lot of a good friend of mine who likes things to be orderly and beautiful, and who accomplishes tasks she sets her mind to. She''s very ''Martha Stewart'' in her way of being, by which I mean that she has a beautiful home and garden, throws great dinner parties, and makes other people feel very comfortable and welcomed. She is also fairly traditional about marriage and home life ~ her number one goal was to be married and raise children, and she''s done a really good job at that!

I think some people were ''thrown'' a little by your emphasis on event planning and cleaning and ''scrubbing'' the floors, which conjures up a very Cinderella image, in which you hum to yourself while daydreaming about marriage...waiting for your prince to ride up on a white horse and rescue you, so to speak. For some, that''s a bit of an old-fashioned image, and many ladies today prefer to go out and buy their own castle, white horse, and stables. Or, if we do take satisfaction from scrubbing floors, we toss in a pinch of irony when discussing it.

To answer your original question...I was never much of a LIW. My fiance and I talked openly about our goals, and he let me know early in our relationship that he had feelings for me that could eventually lead to marriage, if that was right for both of us. He was more of the pursuer than I was, perhaps in part because I was most decidedly NOT scrubbing his floors ~ I was defending my dissertation, kayaking in Mexico, throwing dinner parties for my friends (including him), and generally having a full life. I think that this made me more attractive to him. I know he never took me for granted.

On the other hand, I was in a prior relationship in which I was most definitely more emotionally invested than the guy was--I thought he was perfect, and I wanted to be perfect for him...so I spent my free time shopping to make my clothes and house perfect, planning perfect weekend trips for us, and generally being perfectly available and eager to please him. Of course he saw me as a foregone conclusion and ended up taking up with another woman who was, herself, in another relationship and thus by definition ''harder to get.'' In fact, he once told me that HE did HER laundry. That stuck with me.

I am definitely NOT saying that your current relationship is like my relationship with my ex. I really do see in your that same kind of effervescence about domestic bliss that drives my friend, and I think that''s cool. But I do think that people reacted with a bit of alarm because enjoying and anticipating domestic bliss can LOOK (on the outside) a lot like subjugating yourself to a man ~ the outward behaviors can look similar, even if the feelings that motivate the behaviors are different.

So anyway, that''s a lot of talking to say (1) try not to be offended; (2) enjoy doing the things that make you happy; (3) even if what makes you happy is taking care of others, make sure that you are motivated by love and caring and pride in a job well done, rather than a desire to be ''perfect'' enough to entice him into marriage; and (4) good luck and have fun!

All best wishes!

I agree with what was being said, and also was in a relationship like your ex, with my ex, so i know where you comming from, and guess i couldnt put this into words like you have.....