W.W. the LIW do?

[Cosmo_Gal]

A little background for those who don''t know my situation. My SO and I are in the military and work opposite shifts. Our "us" time is the time in between one of us is going to work, which is also our sleep time, and when one of us gets to take time off on the other''s day off(which is very rare). We didn''t get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together because he had to work. Luckily I was able to get New Year''s off and was very excited about it up until a few days ago. None of his friends were going to be in town, so I was looking forward to spending some time alone with him and actively trying to make plans for us. Fast forward a few days later, he gets a text message from his best friend asking what he (not us) had planned for New Years and that he was going to be in town. He hesitated on telling him anything bc we didn''t yet have plans. The my SO suggests we go BBQ at a friend''s house and play guitar hero. Not exactly how I had imagined spending my first New Years with him. I totally understand that he wants to include his friend because his gf is working on New Years, but don''t want to have to deal with a 3rd wheel situation. I took off to spend time with my SO, not watch my SO entertain his friend. Is it so terrible to ask him to follow through with our couple plans? Am I being a bad gf by suggesting it?

 

[LaraOnline]

Why would you be 'watching your SO entertain his friend'? Isn't this guy your friend, as well, by default? I say suck it up, and enjoy. FWIW.

TETA:
Maybe you get to set the venue though, or other details of the evening's entertainment. Or, bring along some other mates and have a real party!

 

[sammyj]

Date: 12/29/2008 6:03:37 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Why would you be ''watching your SO entertain his friend''? Isn''t this guy your friend, as well, by default? I say suck it up, and enjoy. FWIW.

TETA:
Maybe you get to set the venue though, or other details of the evening''s entertainment. Or, bring along some other mates and have a real party!

I completely agree. It''s almost as important to me that my BF is as good of a friend as he is a boyfriend. I am friends with all of his friends (heck, I was friends with half of them before I met my BF!) and I like spending time with them and seeing my BF have fun.

I know you were expecting a quiet evening in, but ultimately your BF is being a good friend and he is trying his best to accommodate both you and his friend. Maybe the two of you can have a nice romantic dinner before heading over to his friend''s house? This doesn''t have to be an either/or situation...

Good luck and happy new year!!!

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 12/29/2008 8:59:07 AM
Author: sammyj

Maybe the two of you can have a nice romantic dinner before heading over to his friend''s house? This doesn''t have to be an either/or situation...

That''s what I was thinking, too. Go for a romantic dinner first, then head over to the friend''s house and hang out. Is that possible? I''m sorry you don''t get much time with your SO, though. That''s hard.

 

[fieryred33143]

I actually don''t agree with some of the comments here.

You don''t get to spend any time together. The plan was to spend this New Year''s alone. You both deserve that alone time. Now this friend is coming into town and as you said, you have to entertain him. I can completely see and understand your frustration.

The problem though is that at this point, its very likely that the friend is already making plans to spend the holiday with you and your bf. And your bf will most likely not want to tell him that it''ll just be the two of you and leave his friend stranded. So you''re pretty much stuck and since that''s the situation, I would make the best of it. Maybe plan a special dinner as suggested with just the two of you before hanging out with the friend. And then when with the friend, you can try to play some games that involve all of you as opposed to just watching someone play guitar hero (I personally love monopoly...especially after everyone is a little buzzed

)

Hope you have a good holiday!

 

[LaraOnline]

Heck, I wouldn''t stay in! I''d definitely hit the town!
If the guys are homebodies, and don''t want to show you a good time - well, that''s a different story! Dump the bf (with the friend), let them mope, and go find someone to have fun with!!

I agree it''s hard when you don''t get much time together. But is that single night the only time you''ve got?
I say recovery on New Years Day... he''s all yours!! But maybe that''s wishful thinking?
Oh, and New Years Eve (daylight hours) as well!

Make sure you have a fab new year, whatever you decide!!

 

[Tuckins1]

I may be in the minority here... But I think I would let him know my feelings and tell him that I was really looking forward to spending some alone time with him. Perhaps the romantic dinner first, then time with the friends would be a happy medium?

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Unfortunately their idea of a good time is drinking and playing video games, and i'm not a hardcore drinker. That's why I say would have to watch him entertain his friend. It's not that I don't like guitar hero or his friend, it's that I know this friend is always down for a drunken good time and that's not how I want to spend my night. This night is the only one we're going to get to spend together for awhile. I guess I was really looking forward to being able to go out to a romantic dinner just the two of us and then go out to a nice bar to watch the ball drop or taking a day trip to NC. We talked about driving down to the OBX and getting a room for the night. I'm being slightly selfish here and wanting this night to be about us. I feel like if we spend it with the friend it will take away from that. This particular friend of his is leaving the area for a little while next month and won't be back for awhile. I understand my SO's need to spend time with him as much as possible, but he has every night that I'm at work to spend with him up until he leaves. Did I mention I have to work New Years night?

 

[chocolatefudge]

Ahhhhh Cosmo Gal I''m probably in minority here but I don''t think you''re being selfish, I would be really disappointed if I were you. I understand that he wants to spend time with his friend but if the two of you do get such little time together then I think you need to talk it over and tell him how you feel. Can''t he see his friend the next night while you''re working?
Hope you manage to sort it out.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 12/29/2008 10:44:24 AM
Author: chocolatefudge
Ahhhhh Cosmo Gal I'm probably in minority here but I don't think you're being selfish, I would be really disappointed if I were you. I understand that he wants to spend time with his friend but if the two of you do get such little time together then I think you need to talk it over and tell him how you feel. Can't he see his friend the next night while you're working?
Hope you manage to sort it out.

I 100% agree! You matter too and sometimes it's OK to ask for what you want or need!!!!
Maybe SO has no idea this is even an issue with you?

Talk to him!

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

So I managed to get him to agree to a night alone, but he doesn''t seem very happy about it.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Oh no I really do feel for you. I bet now that you''re thinking that neither of you will enjoy the special night you had planned. Don''t really have any words of wisdom, just wanted to send a hug!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Hopefully it will work out.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I understand where you are coming from. I work on many holidays so if I have one off, I want to spend it with my BF. I probably would react the same way you were if I were in your situation (BTW I am working on New Years, but we had a trip to Vegas over the holidays before Christmas) However, the worst thing would be for him to resent you during your "romantic" evening. Here are some thoughts, none are right or wrong, just something to think about.

- Keep the current plans and ask if BF is willing to have a night with his friend in the near future, find out if there is anything you could do to make the night better (i.e. prepare a meal for them ahead of time)

- Move your day off to another day when he is off and do a romantic night than. The pro is that you would save lots of money. If you are sentimental about New Year''s this may not work

Just try to keep the lines of communication open, and find out if there is a middle road that can keep you both happy.

 

[swingirl]

I like the idea of doing both. First some alone time with just the 2 of you; dinner and sex. Then go over to the buddy's place, let them drink and play GH. It's a compromise but it would take into consideration what both you and your guy want to do. Believe me, if he's going to stay home with you but be mopey and dull you'll get into a squabble and then no one will have had fun.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 12/29/2008 8:49:27 PM
Author: swingirl
I like the idea of doing both. First some alone time with just the 2 of you; dinner and sex. Then go over to the buddy''s place, let them drink and play GH. It''s a compromise but it would take into consideration what both you and your guy want to do. Believe me, if he''s going to stay home with you but be mopey and dull you''ll get into a squabble and then no one will have had fun.

I think this is a fair compromise. Gives you two some alone time but also enables him to see his friend.

 

[purselover]

sorry but it sounds like he''d really rather spend new years with you and his friend and not just you, so if I were you I''d probably voice my frustrations but agree to hang out with his friend and try to make the best of it. If I was his friend and alone on new years I''d want a friend to hang out with and then if he tried to bail on me because his girlfriend was mad, well that''s just not very nice. If you''re really that serious you''ll have a lifetime of new year''s eves

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 12/29/2008 10:38:02 AM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
Unfortunately their idea of a good time is drinking and playing video games,

Video games on New Years Eve??? Sorry, no dice!
Perhaps you need to find yourself another (very goodlooking!) date!

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

It''s not that it''s the only New Years that we''d get to spend together, it''s that it''s our first and we didn''t get to spend a single holiday together for the last 7 months. Spending time away from each other has been rough and I took off because I thought this was a good opportunity to have a great night together and start the new year off right. The possibility of one of us getting deployed is very real, so I cherish the time we get to spend together. I feel incredibly guilty for asking to keep our plans of our alone night. I don''t feel great about making him blow off his friend, but should I sacrifice one of the only nights we''ll have in who knows when as well as my happiness just so he can have a drunken night with his friend? He has New Year''s Day to get drunk with his friend and I won''t even be here. I know that he wants to spend the time with me and his friend, I just don''t see how that could happen successfully. I keep running the scenario in my head, and i''m just scared of what might happen.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

You can''t assume that he knows that spending the time alone is important to you, and you can''t assume that it would be important to him if he really cared for you. Some people have different ideas of "quality time" and I really think there are men out there that count sleeping time as alone time.

Calmly and sweetly tell him how you feel and what you are thinking. Tell him that yo uwere really looking forward to this night alone - a romantic evening together on NYE. Then leave it up to him. YOu won''t enjoy the evening alone if he resents you for it, so it has to be his choice. Plus, he might not even know it''s a big deal to you, so you have to tell him, sooner rather than later.

As long as you approach the situation calmly and avoid negative words or a guilt trip, the choice he makes will tell you a lot about his idea of your relationship and your future together. In my opinion, a man who takes into account his girlfriend''s feelings about a special night is showing that he has a future with her on his radar.

That being said, I probably would have made a compromise to do something alone and then something together, or made a deal where I get to pick what we do if the friend comes along. I actually really like having his friends or a "third wheel" around when we go out because it adds a bit more socialness to the evening and makes an interesting dynamic. That''s just my personality though, so if I wanted to be alone with FI, I would tell him!

 

[LaraOnline]

There is no way I would be sitting around in a loungeroom with video games and empty beer bottles, just the three of you.
Look, if that''s how it turns out, well make sure you''ve got some drinks YOU like!
And then spend that time thinking about how you want the next few years of your life to go with this guy...

Better than that, make that call to your best girlfriend NOW, video games? Where''s your posse? Pfffft.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Being a woman in the military has its ups and downs, and unfortunately one of the downsides is that there are very few women to befriend. I have one friend here in the area, but she has to work not to mention she has a 10 month old son. It''s really depressing sometimes because I have friends that I''ve made along the way, but they''re not in the area. It''s very lonely at times and I think that''s why I get so possessive of his time. I would hang out with him AND his friends if I could and if I felt like we spent enough time together otherwise. As much as I didn''t want it to, this issue has created a huge fight with him left being pissed off and me devastated. When he got off this morning he told me he wasn''t coming home because he was mad. Of course me being me, I begged him to come home and he did. Let''s just say things didn''t go well and now he''s off to his friends house till who knows when. I should have known better than to choose this battle. Who knows how the night will go now and it''s all because of me. I couldn''t let well enough alone.

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh sweetheart, I feel so bad for you... sheez, we all have these kinds of crapola experiences from time to time, I''ll be thinking of you (on the other side of the world)
it''s new year''s for me now, so I''m off... Happy New Year!!! Just remember that things often work out for the best (when the smoke clears)

L.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/29/2008 2:44:51 PM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
So I managed to get him to agree to a night alone, but he doesn't seem very happy about it.

Yikes.

I hope it wasn't too disappointing, for either one of you. It's never fun to have a "celebration" that is simply "agreed to" and that one party isn't "very happy about."

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Well, things sucked and the night was pretty much a bust. I think the night was doomed from the beginning because of his mood. It ended up okay, but we ended up having a huge fight on Friday and agreed to take a break. I''m not sure what''s going to happen. We both agree that we want to stay together and make an effort to work things out. Hopefully this is just a rough patch and we can get things back to the way they were. Thanks to all of you who posted and sent well wishes. I really had hoped that the night would be better, but I expected too much. Hope all of you enjoyed your New Year''s.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/31/2008 6:45:36 AM
Author: Cosmo_Gal
When he got off this morning he told me he wasn''t coming home because he was mad. Of course me being me, I begged him to come home and he did. Let''s just say things didn''t go well and now he''s off to his friends house till who knows when.

Sorry. This guy sounds like my ex. Five years of moodiness, hassles, and brooding. Where''s the love, support and understanding?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Sorry, but a man who's supposedly in love with you is NOT going to choose to spend time at a "friend's house" on NYE (or pick a fight with you about it, and/or get into such a nasty mood that he doesn't come home), instead of with the woman he loves...especially with the lack of time together.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

 

[decodelighted]

IMHO you're making too many excuses for HIM and blaming YOURSELF for everything ... "boy I really messed things up" "should have left well enough alone". Honey, blow ups like this are just waiting to happen. You can't postpone them forever by being a needless wonder. Tiptoeing around confrontations. Trying to be the perfect girlfriend. Though that's what soooooo many young women do (until they wise up after being burned.)

Unfortunately you're now seeing that some of the problems spending time together aren't just "the schedules" but HIM WANTING TO. That is a WHOLE different shebang. Guys who want to spend their first New Years Eve with a friend rather than their girlfriend who TOOK OFF WORK to be with him ... what does that say about that guy? Really. What would you tell a friend of yours, or your sister. Men will tell you who they are & what's really important to them. You just have to watch their ACTIONS, not their words. What's he telling you with his ACTIONS. Who took the day off ... for whom? Who didn't want to come home? This is all going to look clearer through the rear view mirror.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/29/2008 5:51:39 AM
Author:Cosmo_Gal
Luckily I was able to get New Year''s off and was very excited about it up until a few days ago. None of his friends were going to be in town, so I was looking forward to spending some time alone with him and actively trying to make plans for us.

Thought the way you said this was very telling also ... you only were able to HOPE to spend one-on-one time with him over NYE because his friends weren''t going to be in town??? So when his friends ARE in town they automatically take precedence??? OH H*LL NO.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

I''d like to see our situation as one with a "light at the end of the tunnel". This schedule is not permanent and the particular friend i''m not fond of is leaving in a week and a half on a permanent basis. I''m spending the weekend at home with my parents and giving him some time to brood. Not to mention, he has to work, I don''t and my mom just had hand surgery, so...it''s not just to give him space. I''d rather he enjoy the time he has left with his best friend and get it all out of his system. You see, it''s only this friend that is needy like a girlfriend. His other friend has 2 small children and other priorities. I agree, he shouldn''t EVER blow me off for his friends, but he also shouldn''t abandon all of his friends just because of me. I want him to spend time with his friends and realize when it''s important to spend time with me too. I just want to be hopeful and optimistic right now rather than be down. I believe there''s hope for us.