new and confused, sorry if this is long

[KatM]

hi all. i''ve been reading for a while and i really think that people give a lot of good advice here. i''d really appreciate some perspective on my situation....

my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 2 years now. he''s never talked much about the future, but i would have been scared off if he had tried to move too quickly. i have a painful childhood history and because of that he was the first person that i ever dated, kissed, etc. he knows my history and has been supportive. we started dating when we were both in grad school. he graduated in may and moved back to his hometime, ~400 miles away. since then we''ve been doing the long distance thing. it hasn''t been settled yet, but the tentative plan is that i''ll move to him when i graduate in may. he''s a great guy. i love him, he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, there''s no one else i''d rather be with, etc.

the problem is that he is terrified of any talks about the future, even just minor ones. we are going to have a talk in december, but even that took months to set up. at first i had to point out that it would be a good idea to have some sort of discussion about what we want for the future so that i could decide where i was going to be next year. he agreed that it was only fair to me to have this discussion. he freaked a little, so i dropped the conversation. about a month later (in august) i approached him to ask him when he thought would be a fair time to have this discussion. he freaked again and said that it didn''t have to happen for a long time. we agreed on december and haven''t talked about it since. just to give you an idea of how much this guy is scared, we had to have several conversations about having a conversation.

i know he loves me, and he says "i want you in my future." in my heart i feel that he''s serious about me and isn''t just staying in the relationship because it''s convenient.

the problem is that because of my history, because of my general personality, i need to feel more stability. i feel terrified, just floating around with no clear view of where i''m headed. he knows this and says that i''m not randomly floating, but at this point i don''t feel reassured. i simply feel like i''ve been given the brush-off.

i don''t know that i will be able to move 400 miles from my hometown without feeling more secure. i want to be with him, but the anxiety is becoming overwhelming. i honestly don''t know where to go from here. i don''t even know what i need to hear when we have our conversation in december. has anyone here moved to be with someone before they were engaged? does anyone have any ideas about where i should go from here? i feel very lost....

 

[BELLA9280]

aww i want to reach out and give you a big HUG!!

the best thing i can say is ALWAYS FOLLOW your heart and do whats going to make you happy!!
good luck

 

[Independent Gal]

Hiya Kat,

It''s wonderful to hear that you found a man that makes you feel so safe and happy!

Unless you see yourself married SOON, I don''t think it''s NECESSARILY a bad idea to move there without a commitment, but it depends of a few things. If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself two questions: what would I be doing if I didn''t move to town B (where bf lives)? and what WILL I be doing if I do move there? The thing is, you have a whole future, not just the part that is him. So, you should be thinking about how your career might unfold, how your social life might be, etc. If you think that you could build a whole life in Town B, with him forming part but not all of it, then that''s a great start. You should also consider what you''ll give up if you leave Town A. Are there opportunities there it would be horrible to miss out on?

The key thing is to know in your heart that you won''t resent him if it doesn''t work out. You should be able to say, if that''s the sad eventuality, that you were living and enjoying so that no time was ''wasted''. Know what I mean?

This is especially true because it sounds like this guy has some things he needs to work through. It''s unhealthy to be so afraid of the future like that. And to be successful as a couple, it is absolutely critical that you be able to make plans together, think through eventualities, etc. It will be a disaster if you can''t talk about the future together, and deciding to get married is near the BEGINNING of those talks, not the end. You''ll have to continue to have them for the rest of your lives.

So, he''s going to need to work through that before you can have a healthy marriage.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[poptart]

Date: 9/24/2007 10:07:47 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hiya Kat,


It''s wonderful to hear that you found a man that makes you feel so safe and happy!


Unless you see yourself married SOON, I don''t think it''s NECESSARILY a bad idea to move there without a commitment, but it depends of a few things. If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself two questions: what would I be doing if I didn''t move to town B (where bf lives)? and what WILL I be doing if I do move there? The thing is, you have a whole future, not just the part that is him. So, you should be thinking about how your career might unfold, how your social life might be, etc. If you think that you could build a whole life in Town B, with him forming part but not all of it, then that''s a great start. You should also consider what you''ll give up if you leave Town A. Are there opportunities there it would be horrible to miss out on?


The key thing is to know in your heart that you won''t resent him if it doesn''t work out. You should be able to say, if that''s the sad eventuality, that you were living and enjoying so that no time was ''wasted''. Know what I mean?


This is especially true because it sounds like this guy has some things he needs to work through. It''s unhealthy to be so afraid of the future like that. And to be successful as a couple, it is absolutely critical that you be able to make plans together, think through eventualities, etc. It will be a disaster if you can''t talk about the future together, and deciding to get married is near the BEGINNING of those talks, not the end. You''ll have to continue to have them for the rest of your lives.


So, he''s going to need to work through that before you can have a healthy marriage.


Hope that helps a little.

Kat M, listen to this lady because she knows her stuff!

IG, I agree completely!

I also think that you need to be ready for that talk coming up in December... meaning that you need to figure out what your needs/wants/hopes are, both including him, and just for yourself, no matter where you end up. It sounds like you know that you want to be together, but what about beyond that? I think figuring out these things about yourself may also help in the talks with him because you will have a better idea of where you are going.

*M*

 

[yarrmatey]

Personally, I would never move 400 miles for someone that wasn''t my fiancee/husband. But that''s just me. I would want a "stronger" assurance than just words that he meant business about me and I wasn''t moving across the country to get my heart broken. I think that it is fair to ask for that before you uproot your life for him.

 

[princesss]

If you decide to move the 400 miles then you need to be completely comfortable with that choice no matter what happens. If you get there and (for some unforseen reason) things don''t work out, are you going to be okay living there? Would you be able to wait to find a job in another city, would you be okay there on your own, or would you want to drop everything and leave? Moving is a big commitment, not just to him and your relationship, but to any job you get and to yourself.

(Reading IG''s post, I just posted a very wordy "Ditto".)

Best of luck, and I hope that he gets more comfortable with the idea of this conversation. I am concerned that he''s freaking out over a conversation about the future/commitment, but I hope that it passes and that things go well for you two.

 

[KimberlyH]

I dated my hubby for 1 year long distance before I moved 500 miles to be near him. I made the decision knowing that I would be perfectly happy whether we worked out or not (I had a job not a career and my family was scattered...I still miss my friends every day). Neither of us was ready to commit to anything permanent at that point, because our relationship was like one big vacation. I did tell him I wouldn''t move if he wasn''t marriage-minded, but that didn''t have to mean he wanted to marry me, because it would have been impossible to tell at the time (see my comment on vacation relationship!), I just needed to know that the possibility of getting married was realistic to him. He was, I did, and we celebrated our 1 year anniversary in August.

But my story doesn''t garuantee that yours will be similar, and it sounds like you''re looking for reassurance. I can tell you it is possible, but not definite. Only you know what your head and heart say is right for you to do and how much unsurity you can stomach.

 

[risingsun]

I was divorced and living independently when my, then, BF asked me to move in with him. We made all of our plans and then I became concerned about where we were headed with the relationship. We had already had several talks about the future, but they were a bit vague. I finally told him about my feelings. We agreed that we would become engaged shortly after moving in. Much to my suprise and delight, he proposed several months prior to the move. He said that he realized that I was giving up a lot to move in with him and he wanted me to know that there was a commitment behind it. I would want a good sense of what to expect of a relationship, before uprooting myself. If your BF panics just thinking about talking about the future, he appears to have issues that need to be resolved. I would proceed with caution.

ETA: This October, we will be married for 12 years

 

[iheartscience]

I definitely wouldn''t move 400 miles away for a boyfriend who is so terrified of commitment he can''t even talk about it. If he''s out of grad school I''m assuming he''s at a reasonable marrying age, right? I think it''s just kind of ridiculous that he can''t even talk about a commitment and that you had to schedule a talk about a commitment 3 or 4 months in the future.

Now, I''m with the others who have said that if you move not knowing exactly what''s going to happen, and you''re okay with it not necessarily ending in marriage for you and your boyfriend, then go for it. However, judging by how terrified he is of committing, I can''t imagine him proposing anytime soon. I think you need to decide how long you''re willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants before you move on.

And not to assume too much, but especially because of your history you mentioned, it may take you longer than most to start dating again, etc. if you two unfortunately did break up. Just something to keep in mind if you think you two may not end up married.

I''m not the type of person who thinks every relationship has to lead to marriage or it''s a waste, but if you want marriage and are ready for it and he can''t even talk about it, I do think you should move on as soon as possible so you can find someone who does want to get married.

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/25/2007 1:08:11 AM
Author: thing2of2
I definitely wouldn''t move 400 miles away for a boyfriend who is so terrified of commitment he can''t even talk about it. If he''s out of grad school I''m assuming he''s at a reasonable marrying age, right? I think it''s just kind of ridiculous that he can''t even talk about a commitment and that you had to schedule a talk about a commitment 3 or 4 months in the future.


Now, I''m with the others who have said that if you move not knowing exactly what''s going to happen, and you''re okay with it not necessarily ending in marriage for you and your boyfriend, then go for it. However, judging by how terrified he is of committing, I can''t imagine him proposing anytime soon. I think you need to decide how long you''re willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants before you move on.


And not to assume too much, but especially because of your history you mentioned, it may take you longer than most to start dating again, etc. if you two unfortunately did break up. Just something to keep in mind if you think you two may not end up married.


I''m not the type of person who thinks every relationship has to lead to marriage or it''s a waste, but if you want marriage and are ready for it and he can''t even talk about it, I do think you should move on as soon as possible so you can find someone who does want to get married.

Ditto. If it so freaked out by just having a conversation about committment, then it sounds like he may not be ready to commit anytime soon. It sounds like he''s more afraid of committment than you are. Scheduling a ''committment talk'' 3-4 months in the future? I do think that sounds a bit strange. Also the part where he says the talk "doesn''t have to happen anytime soon" is telling, in my view.

 

[KatM]

you all have a lot of good advice, i''ll definitely be thinking for a while! where he lives there are more job opportunities for me. socially it''ll be a bit hard, but i think i could do ok. i do like the city, but i''m not a fan of moving in general.

he does have some issues that he needs to work on, for sure. i guess i just figured that because we''re both young (24-25), and i wasn''t trying to get married immediately, that i could hang in there for a while to see where things would go. and i do want to marry him. not out of desperation, but because in every other area things are going really well. he''s someone i can see myself with many years from now.

and thing2of2, you''re right. i don''t think i would date for a long time, if at all, if this doesn''t work out. i''m not trying to make this work for that fact alone, but it does make me want to let this run its course too see how things go.

 

[anchor31]

Hi KatM, welcome to Pricescope!

You moving 400 miles away from everything you know for him is a huge commitment. Yet, your BF freaks out at the very idea of talking about commitment... To me, that doesn''t seem fair for you. The situation is very comfortable for him, is his hometown, you moving in with him, not having to make commitments or sacrifices...

Wanting stability is absolutely normal, and apparently warranted in your case. I''m like that, and I don''t have as much history as you seem to have. I refused to move in with my SO until we were engaged, and I didn''t even have to make a 400 miles move for that. If asking for a commitment on his part before you make yours is what you feel you need to do, ask for it. It''s not selfish and it''s not manipulation. It''s pretty obvious that he would need time for that though, and if you''re okay with waiting and doing the long-distance thing (I know it''s hard, I did it too), then it''s ok. If not, some kind of compromise will need to be made...

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, the ostrich in me who loves to roam free and have adventures says 'Hey! If there are exciting new opportunities in Town B that you don't have in town A, if you're not anxious to get married as soon as possible, if you're well aware that your guy has some real issues to work out, and that it might NEVER work out between you because of them, then why not have a new adventure?'

The disaster would just be if you moved expecting something that seems remote and possibly unlikely. But if you move with your eyes wide open about the possibility that this could go nowhere, because it's a great adventure and you love to be with this guy and it's good for your career anyway, and you're willing to just see what happens. Then do it.

If you still live in your hometown, then this could be just the excuse you need to learn another corner of the world, experience something new, make new friends, be exposed to new things, and cultivate yourself and your career. Having your bf there is gravy.

ETA: I might be biased because I once moved to be with a boyfriend 1500 miles away, changed colleges and everything. We broke up a few months later, but that move changed my life in so many great ways.

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/25/2007 1:08:11 AM
Author: thing2of2
I definitely wouldn''t move 400 miles away for a boyfriend who is so terrified of commitment he can''t even talk about it. If he''s out of grad school I''m assuming he''s at a reasonable marrying age, right? I think it''s just kind of ridiculous that he can''t even talk about a commitment and that you had to schedule a talk about a commitment 3 or 4 months in the future.


Now, I''m with the others who have said that if you move not knowing exactly what''s going to happen, and you''re okay with it not necessarily ending in marriage for you and your boyfriend, then go for it. However, judging by how terrified he is of committing, I can''t imagine him proposing anytime soon. I think you need to decide how long you''re willing to wait for him to figure out what he wants before you move on.


And not to assume too much, but especially because of your history you mentioned, it may take you longer than most to start dating again, etc. if you two unfortunately did break up. Just something to keep in mind if you think you two may not end up married.


I''m not the type of person who thinks every relationship has to lead to marriage or it''s a waste, but if you want marriage and are ready for it and he can''t even talk about it, I do think you should move on as soon as possible so you can find someone who does want to get married.

Agree with everything written here! If you want to move anyway then maybe try it, but the fact that he won''t even have a talk about the future sends warning flags to me, especially as it''s not like you''re telling him you want to get married now. Best of luck!

 

[Picos]

I dont think "moving in" together requires an engagement or marriage. What it does require is that both people are supporting themselves. If the other person dies/leaves/gets kiddnapped by aliens can you still afford where you''re living? That way, you won''t have to be worried when things dont work out.

Although, your situtation is different becuase you''re moving cities. I''ve moved loads of times (and continents) and each one was a different reason. I returned to the States on the idea that me & an ex would be in the same country. It didn''t work out but it didnt really matter because, well, I moved for other reasons as well. The ex wasn''t THE reason, just one of the many.

I moved from one small town to a big city so I could be a friend''s roommate; it worked out well eventhough I knew no one in the town & at the time had no job prospects! That was one scary month, but it worked out fine and I lived there for a few more months and it was blast.